What Fools Believe (2 page)

Shoulders drooping, his swagger ebbed outside Olivia’s door.

“Joshua,” she said. “Come in. You remember my sister, Rebecca, don’t you?”

The two Norman women sat across from each other on twin sofas separated by a low coffee table. Joshua hovered by the door, trying to focus on Olivia instead of on her sister, even though that would be a perfectly normal thing to do in such an instance. “I do,” he said. “I didn’t mean to interrupt. I just wanted to share some good news with you.”

“Well Jaime Lincoln called me last night, so I know that’s not what you came to boast about.”
 

She gave him
that
smile. The one she brandished whenever an upstart associate tried to woo her with some irrelevant fact not cataloged on their CV. In return, Joshua flashed her a confident grin, pushed his shoulders back and stepped inside. Right away, Olivia perked up. The wordless exchange communicated miles of understanding. He and Olivia shared an ease that fostered a tight partnership of their own. She recognized they were similar people and started mentoring him after his first year, grooming him for this eventuality.
 

The opposite of her sister in so many ways, a connection like the one he had with Olivia could never exist between him and Rebecca. Bored by these sorts of discussions, Rebecca stirred her tea and gazed into space.
   

“George Kemp has agreed to sign with us, principally speaking. On one condition.”

“And what condition would that be?”

“Nothing,” he paused, “I can’t take care of.”

He glanced at Rebecca. Still stirring her tea, still unimpressed.
 

Olivia smiled. She set down her teacup and saucer onto a heap of slick marketing packets with charming brick buildings or glittering hi-rises printed on the covers. “That is good news,” she said and sashayed over to her desk.

Rebecca’s eyes followed her sister, avoided him. Bolstered even more by his boss’s glee, Joshua sat down on the sofa. Olivia planted the phone receiver over an ear and he glanced down at the brochures and asked, “Has your number changed?”

Rebecca looked at him then. “You still have it?”

Ignoring her question, he said, “A friend of mine is trying to offload one of his properties. I can have him give you call. It’s on a quiet street. Back yard. You’d like it.”

“I would?” she asked. His eyes roved over her face, settling on her red lips. Rebecca drew a breath into her mouth and said, “Have him give me a call.”

He looked up to meet her gaze. Olivia hung up the phone and took to her feet. “So, Joshua, was there something else?” she asked, retaking her seat across from them.

“Ah, no,” he said then stood up. He turned to Rebecca. “It was nice to see you again,” he told her and extended his hand out. The touch transported him to lazy afternoons lying in bed, drenched in the subtle warmth of winter suns.
 

He didn’t want to let go.
 

THE YELLOW TAXI pulled up to the curb. From the backseat, Rebecca gaped at him then she handed money to the cabbie. The old man grinned when she refused her change. A light breeze blew down the street, whipping around her dress and hair as she stepped out of the car. Joshua smelled the aroma of the city and the change in the season. In a few months another infamous Chicago winter would blanket them in snow and freezing temperatures, but the autumns were pleasant and softened the city’s rough image. He supposed that was why he preferred this time of year the best.

Rebecca tiptoed up to the sidewalk and asked him, “What are you doing here, Josh?”

“Proving the old adage that no good deed goes unpunished.” Joshua tried not to smile. “Adam’s away on business and he doesn’t have an agent so he asked me to walk you through the place. Trust me, I don’t want to keep seeing you unless I have to.”

“Why even bother then?” she asked, swinging her arms out from her sides. “I can reschedule. I’m not in any rush to find a place.”

“Well, my friend’s in a hurry to sell and since this was my idea, I felt obligated to help him out. Not everything is about you, Rebecca.”

“I never said it was.”

“Do you want to see the place or not?” he snapped.
 

He was still so angry. But from which time? Over what offense? It seemed ironic since when he and Rebecca were together, they never argued. Not once. Not even on the day she left. Every moment of their liaisons so precious, they treated each minute as if it could be their last.
 

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry for what happened between us. What else do you want from me?”

Rage bubbled up inside him. “That’s not fair,” he said. “Things didn’t just fall apart. You gave up on us because I needed more time. We loved each other. We could’ve been happy if you’d been willing to give our relationship an ounce of the respect it deserved.”

It felt good to voice what he bottled up for years. To free it from its prison inside his head and heart and unleash it into the universe, finally. Rebecca pressed her lips into a thin line and folded her arms.
 

“And there it is. You have nothing to say to me. Tell me this though, Bex. How was the marriage? Were you happy with Spencer for even a second? You wanted the commitment I couldn’t give you so badly so you had to run right to him and like the reliable dope he was, he handed you what you told him you wanted. But it didn’t work, did it? I bet this never crossed your mind, but have you considered that maybe you’re the one with the problem?”

She nodded and he felt vindicated until she said, “Yes, I was happy with him. I was happier with him than I ever was with you and I didn’t leave because I wanted to marry you and you couldn’t marry me. Josh, I left you because I loved him and I still do. And, no,” she said, shaking her head, “I’m not sorry for that.”

Rebecca’s declaration hit him like a heavy weight fighter’s punch to his gut, knocking him back, and the air out of his body. His chest shrunk, collapsing around his heart. Thinking he might choke, Joshua forced himself to suck in a breath. He didn’t believe her. She wanted to wound him because he lashed out at her, so she lashed out at him with the worse insult she could think of out of spite.

“Are we all squared now, Josh? You still want to show me the brownstone for your friend’s sake?”

“You’re trying to get me angry? Fine. You win, but you’re a liar.”

She laughed, an astounded look on her face. Rebecca backed away. “Tell your friend it’s a nice place, but it’s not for me.”

COULD HE HAVE imagined it all?

Joshua found the old box with Rebecca’s name written on the top. He sliced open the taped seam and took out the contents, placing them on the floor in front of his folded legs. Movie ticket stubs from an all night horror flick marathon, a U of C hoodie she wore once, the heart-shaped pendant she lost in his sofa cushions, some pictures developed from camera phones. He compared the two in his hands. Rebecca was smiling up to her eyeballs. Was that just her way?
 

No.
 

She couldn’t fake the passion he saw in her eyes when they kissed. When they made love, she was there with him. With
him
. Not fantasizing about another man or another life.
 

After going for a long walk, Joshua needed a beer. He drank several then graduated to Tequila. The afternoon wasted away. People sat down and departed from the stools beside him. Stumbling out of the bar after ten o’clock, he shivered. Joshua stuck his arm out and flagged down an approaching cab. He gave it up to a group of twenty-somethings, giggling and flirting. They urged him to join them, but he politely refused and walked to the corner of the block where he hailed another taxi. A few blocks into the drive, he told the cab driver to go to a different address.
 

Joshua banged his fist on room 1919 until Rebecca yanked the door back and his arm swung and hit nothing. Without protesting, she welcomed him inside. That was as far as they got. She didn’t budge from her spot by the door. Falling back against the wall, he said, “Twenty-seven million.”

“What?”

“That’s how much I’ve personally brought to your sister’s firm this year alone. I’m going to make partner.”

“I’m very happy for you.”

He leaned his head against the wall and stared up at the ceiling. His eyelids, heavy from drinking, slowly shut. “You know what makes me a good lawyer, Rebecca?” He opened his eyes, lowered his head and answered his own question. “I know people. Early on I made it a habit to watch them. I study their habits, their quirks. I try to learn what makes them happy or sad or scared or distracted. I see the tiny specks of emotion they try to hide and other people miss because if I don’t then the other guy wins. And every lawyer hates to lose. I’ve gotten better at it since I saw you that day.”

Rebecca wrapped herself in her cardigan, holding it tight across her body. “Why are you telling me this?”

“You loved me.”

“Josh—”

“Shut up!” She recoiled and he thought she might punch him in the face. “I didn’t come here to listen to any more of your lies, Rebecca.”

“No, you just showed up, sticking of booze, to tell me how I’m supposed to feel. The whole world has to bow down to the great Joshua Phillips and his feelings because that’s the only way he could ever cope with being the narcissistic asshole he is. My marriage is over and all you can think about is yourself.”

He chortled. “Your marriage. Your marriage.” His voice hardened. “You want to know what I spent the entire afternoon doing after your bullshit stunt today?”

“No!”
 

She stormed off and this time he followed her.

“Well, I’m going to tell you anyway, Rebecca Norman,” he shouted to her back as she picked up the phone. “I looked at all our photographs together. I stared into your face. For hours. And I remembered everything.”

His voice faltered. Joshua collapsed against the wall. He slammed into his elbow hard. Sliding down to the floor, he sat waiting for the pain to subside and his legs to return to life, to hear the next sound in the room that might crack in his ears. Far from resounding, it was the soft patter of Rebecca’s bare feet padding across the room. She crouched down beside him and he said, “I swore I’d never think about those days again. Then you were back and I… I didn’t invent these feelings. I’m not the kind of guy that makes shit up that isn’t there. I charge people like that hundreds of dollars an hour every day, but I’m not one of them. I don’t believe you don’t love me and I won’t ever believe it, Bex.”

He brought his hands to the top of his head, laced his fingers together and leaned forward. His mouth watered. Beads of sweat pricked his flushed skin. Joshua retched, but tamped down the nausea. Rebecca smoothed her hands over his back and down his arms. She held him close, her chin resting on his shoulder.
 

He sighed and told her, “I’m just drunk.”

“You want to lay down for a while?”

He nodded, swallowed and closed his eyes.

A WEAK LIGHT shined in from the hall, illuminating the far side of Rebecca’s hotel room. The bed crumbled under him at his back. Joshua rolled over. A sharp pain pierced the backs of his eyes, but Rebecca’s perfume tickled his nose, adding to the aromas already lingering around him and soothed the pain. She slumped into the pillows and held her head straight, crossing her legs at the ankles.
 

“I don’t know what happened,” he said.

“You’re probably so overworked.”

He glanced at the large diamond ring on her finger. “Why are you and Spencer getting a divorce if you still love him?”

Rebecca moved closer and Joshua pushed himself up by the elbows to level his eyes with hers, presuming she would ever look away from the wall.
 

“He doesn’t love me anymore,” she said. “So, we’ve separated. He’s leaving politics and he’s leaving me.”

“So you really don’t want to divorce him?”
 

“I’ve been in love with Spencer since I was five, Joshua. Of course I don’t want to divorce him,” she said, chuckling. “Doesn’t that make me a complete fool?”
 

His eyebrows shot up. “I knew you liked the guy, but…” He shook his head. “No. No, it doesn’t make you a fool.”
 

She told him about Spencer, but everyone had someone from their past, an old flame they clung to in some way or another long past the expiration date. It didn’t concern him. In all that time though, he never considered himself as the rebound guy. Women fell for him. They pursued him, mostly.
 

Rebecca sighed. It broke into his musing. She stood up and Joshua expected her to abandon him, but then he remembered he was in her space. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and anchored his feet on either side of hers.
 

“You can spend the night on the couch, if you want.”

“I want to spend the night here with you.”

Rebecca inhaled. She placed her hands on his shoulders and began massaging her fingers into them as she gazed down into his eyes with a lovely smile parting her lips. She located the tight tissues deep in his muscles and expertly kneaded the knot loose. Joshua groaned and one of his hands clamped around her leg. He traced two fingertips up and down her thigh, inching under her dress, then lower where he drew circles into the back of her knee.
 

“I’ve missed you.”

“You never wrote me. You kept my number for seven years and you never called.”

“I hated you too much for too long,” he said.

“I didn’t know you felt so strong about us.”

That resembled the truth. They talked about a lot things in those days. The future seldom entered their conversations. Joshua pulled her close and smothered his face into her midsection, planting kisses above her navel. He grew stiff inside his pants.

“Did you think of me?” he asked.

He wanted to see her face, but settled for listening to the inflections in her voice, content just breathing into her belly.