VITTORIO'S LOVER (Vittorio Series) (29 page)

“Because you haven’t said anything to make me think otherwise
,” she replied evenly. The impulse to kiss the injured look off his face was so overpowering, Jenesa pulled away from him to keep her treacherous body from giving her away. “You’ve told me you couldn’t stop thinking about me and how much you desired me. You say our time together was special and claim to have feelings for me, and yet you hide behind the excuse you don’t know what a real relationship is so that you don’t have to define those feelings.” 

The wild fluttering of a hummingbird’s wings couldn’t have kept pace with her racing
heart at that moment. It was a gamble to goad Raffaele into acknowledging his love for her, but what else could she do if the man was too thick headed to see it for himself? Even now, when he’d made such a huge effort to bring them back together again, he couldn’t say the words she knew with undying certainty were imprinted on his heart.

“I’
ll make this easy on you,” she told him, carefully maintaining her distance. “I’m going to tell you what my life has been like since we met so you understand why I don’t want to start over. Those few days on the island with you were the scariest and happiest of life. You made me feel feminine and sexy, but you also made me feel intelligent and interesting and that terrified me because I didn’t think it was possible to undo all lies and still feel the same for each other.”

“You
are
all those things, carissima.”

“
Was
,” Jenesa corrected. “I
was
all those things, but only when I was with you, Raffaele. I wanted to believe everything would work out, that we would forgive one another for all the subterfuge and share this beautiful fairytale life together. For those few precious moments after you asked me to marry you, I
did
believe. And then it all came crashing down.”

“It was
my fault, I should have…”

“No,” she shook her head. “I am responsible for e
verything that happened. I should have let Jillian deal with it in her own time instead of jumping in to fight her battles for her. I should have told you I knew who you were in the gardens instead of agreeing to go away with you. And I shouldn’t have put off telling you the truth until it was too late. I don’t blame you for believing the things Luca told you. He’s your brother, and you’d only known me for a short time, it was only natural that you put your faith in him.”

“Jenesa…I didn’t mean any of the
horrible things I said. My pride had just taken some pretty heavy blows when you walked in and I reacted without thinking.”

“
I understand that now, but it doesn’t erase the endless weeks of misery I endured afterwards. For the first few days I was incapable of doing anything but crying my eyes out. And once I did return to work, I was impossible to be around. I growled and snapped at my co-workers and bit the head off anyone who looked at me sideways.  The days seemed to drag on forever, and yet I stayed at the office until my brain could barely function because I couldn’t bear to go home and be alone with my thoughts.” 

“Jenesa, I…”

“I’m not fishing for an apology,” Jenesa interrupted. “Please, I need to get this out before I lose my nerve. When I finally
did
go home at night, I picked at my dinner and usually ended up throwing most of it away before trudging off to bed. Numb from exhaustion but unable to sleep, I would lay awake and stare at the ceiling, doing everything I could to keep from thinking of you, but somehow the memories crept in anyway. 

That was when it hurt the worst. I’d remem
ber how good we were together; the mind-blowing sex, the stimulating conversation, strolls on the beach and playing chess.  I missed the bantering and the laughter and the joy of
sharing
with someone I cared deeply about.”

Jenesa wrapped her arms around her waist as an all too familiar sense of loss enveloped her.
Thankfully, Raffaele didn’t say anything as he waited for her to continue.  It was killing her to witness that same haunted look in his eyes that she’d seen each morning when she looked into the mirror. 

Sheer desperation spurred her on
.

“Every day was the same; an infinite loop of misery that ripped me to shreds and left me bleeding inside.
I’ve learned a lot about myself over the past six months. I found out I’m much stronger that I thought I was. I survived. It wasn’t easy, but I did it, and in doing so I discovered something else. I discovered that I could live without you.” 

Jenesa went to him then, tears misting her eyes at the despondent expression lining his face. “I could live without you,” she repeated, slipping her arms around his neck, “but I don’t want to. I love you, Raffaele Vittorio.
I’m talking about the forever after, heart and soul, marriage and babies and growing old together type of love. I’m crazy about you and I know you feel the same for me. Like it or not,” she drew in a deep breath, “you’re madly, passionately, deliriously in love with me and I’m not moving from this spot until you say it out loud and beg me stay because you know you can’t possibly live through another day without me in it.”

                                                    ***

Raffaele’s brain ceased to function. A complete and total lockdown that left him floundering for a response.

“I don’t…”  He paused and raked his fingers through his hair.  “I…” he started again, but words failed him once more. 

Jenesa held her ground, a mutinous tilt to her chin, defiant eyes flashing, her flawless skin flushed, chest rapidly rising and falling as if she’d just run a mile and couldn’t catch her breath. 

“You love me,” she insisted.

Did he?
Raffaele’s gaze swept over her beautiful face as he considered everything she’d said. His life had run a similar pattern; he’d been a holy terror to everyone he crossed paths with over the past few months and had spent his days and nights in a constant state of agitation. Jenesa didn’t have to tell him she’d experienced the pain of their separation just as he had; it was evident in the shadows beneath her eyes, the gaunt cheekbones, the way her clothes no longer fit because of all the pounds she’d shed. Her curves were no longer softly rounded, her breasts not nearly as full and lush as they’d once been. Even so, Raffaele still longed for her in the most primal way a man could want a woman.

But did he love her?

He recalled the way his heart leapt when she’d walked into the room, how the sight of her awakened emotions he thought had died during those long, lonely months without her. Dating other women had become a thing of the past, although it wasn’t for lack of opportunity because there had been many. Raffaele simply hadn’t been interested. For the first time since hitting puberty, he’d neither sought out female companionship nor had any desire to subject himself to the flirtations that inevitably led to a sexual encounter. And that’s all they had ever been – sexual encounters that offered temporary pleasure and, ultimately, the need for something more.

“You love me,” Jenesa said again, her voice as soft and warm as her smile.

Madre di Dio
, how she do it? How did she stir such powerful emotions without even trying? There was nothing provocative about the way she was touching him; her arms were loosely looped around his neck and there was minimal body contact, and yet every muscle, tissue, and fiber vibrated with awareness. Was it her eyes? Dove gray mirrors to her heart that relayed the depth of her feelings as loud and clear as if she’d shouted. Or was it her lips? Soft, delicate, perfectly shaped lips that begged to be kissed and promised a taste of honeyed bliss.

No,
Raffaele dismissed each physical attribute one by one. He could appreciate a woman for being beautiful and wholly kissable, he could even experience genuine affection because of it, but admiration and a case of the warm fuzzies hardly equated to love. Her mind then. Jenesa was an intelligent woman with an amusing sense of humor and an underlying innocent nature that he found extremely charming. She was easy to talk to, and equally enjoyable to be with when conversation dwindled to a comfortable silence. 

“Oh, Raffaele,” she laughed, “I can almost hear the wheels
spinning inside that brilliant mind of yours! This is not something you can
think
your way through with logic and sound reasoning. Believe me, there is nothing rational about love. Analyzing it won’t do anything except muddy the waters and drive you crazy in the process.”

Raffaele’s pulse jumped when she let one hand slip from around his neck to rest against his chest. “
Let me put it another way,” she said. “That last morning on the island, you told me you didn’t expect to feel me
here
, deep in your heart. The million dollar question is…
were you telling the truth?
”

Raffaele remembered that morning well. He’d replayed it often enough to recite their entire conversation verbatim.
They had just made love and he’d gone to take a shower because he needed time alone to decide what he was going to do. Their stay on the island was coming to an end and he was suddenly swamped with a deep seated sense of desperation. At the time, he deceived himself into believing that what he was about to do was because of his love for Luca. He had to protect his brother at all costs, and if that meant asking Jenesa to marry him, then he was prepared to do it

Except…it wasn’t Luca he was thinking about when he proposed to her.
Jenesa’s cheeks were still flushed from making love and he’d marveled at his own foolishness for imagining he could ever quench the insatiable need to be inside of her. He’d envisioned her walking towards him in a wedding gown with that dreamy smile she often wore when she looked at him. No woman had ever made him ache that way before, as if…as if something vital to his life would disappear forever if she left him.

Salvaging his brother’s happiness was the last thing on Raffaele’s mind
when he leaned forward to cup her face in his hands.
I love you
, he’d told her,
and that is the only reason I want to marry you. If we conceived a child, then it was done so out of love, but I want you as my wife regardless.
The tension that had been building since he’d made up his mind about marrying her dissipated in a rush of exhilaration when Jenesa said yes. Deep down inside, a strange, alien sensation sprang to life, feeding off her radiant smile and filling Raffaele with its warmth and incandescent light.

Fantasizing about the wedding, telling Jenesa he loved her, the fiercely protective
feelings evoked by the idea she could very well be carrying his child…what a phenomenal job Raffaele had done of convincing himself it was all part of the charade. He’d been so successful in fact, that he never even questioned how any of those things factored into the master plan to shield Luca from the fallout of his brief affair.

Fully comprehending the significance of his thoughts and feelings
should have happened at that moment as he’d held Jenesa in his arms. But it didn’t. It should have occurred to him some time during those excruciatingly long months when he’d refused to acknowledge how much he missed her. But it hadn’t. At the very least, Raffaele should have figured it out the second he began plotting to intercept Jenesa before she left for her date with Grady. Secluded behind a wall of wounded pride, he’d been blind to everything except his own misery.

But
it was crystal clear now; Jenesa had dismantled the wall, brick by brick, and forced him to open his eyes. 
I love you, and that is the only reason I want to marry you
, he’d told her.  And he’d meant it.

“Do you remember the talk we had about soul mates?” he asked.

Jenesa’s smile wavered. Obviously not the response she was hoping for, but she seemed to understand there were things he needed to say first. “Yes.  I said I believe there’s only one true love we are destined to be with.”

“
You also said there was an instant connection; something special about the other person you have never felt with anyone else which creates a strong bond before you even share a relationship.
Maybe your heart already knows
, that’s what you told me. For a woman, this may be true, and that is why some people never find the person they are destined to be with.”

“I don’t think I understand,” Jenesa said, looking utterly lost.

“I believe a woman’s head and heart are much more in tune with each other than a man’s. She does not have to ask herself what the strange new emotion invading her body is, because heart and mind are united. For a man, it is different. His emotions are kept separate from his intellectual side so it takes longer to make the connection and define what it is he feels. And it is even more difficult if he has not loved before. After all, how can his heart recognize an emotion it has never known?

What I am trying to say is that I didn’t know there were so many dark, empty places in my heart and my life until you filled them.
You can’t miss something you never had, so I had no idea how…incomplete I was. For awhile after we parted, I was too consumed by rage and the pain of betrayal to acknowledge what I had lost. I didn’t understand why this damnable hollowness inside wouldn’t go away.”