Virtue & Vanity (6 page)

Without a warning, he took my virginity in one sudden, rough move and I screamed from the pain of the intrusion. A shockwave ran through my body and my back arched from the sharp ache that tore up my insides. He stilled for a moment and I froze. There was no tenderness, no mercy, and no reassurance. Slowly, he pulled out from me and panic gripped me when the next thrust was more painful than the first. It felt like I was being cut open, but he wasn’t paying attention to my display of pain. I muffled my heavy sobs and allowed a silent stream of tears to fall down my face. I was crying more than I had ever cried in my life but it wasn’t doing me any good, because he couldn’t have cared less about my tears. I opened my eyes and stared out the window at the night sky, blocking the terrible ordeal Sebastian was putting me through. Looking at the dark, starless night skyline, I let my thoughts sink into its blackness. As I drifted away, he leaned closer and my skin was grazed by his breath. The scent of his cologne engraved itself in my fragile mind.

His movements became more rapid, until he finally collapsed on top of me, panting loudly. His weight pressed on my lungs and I couldn’t breathe. He had stopped moving, but he was still inside me, prolonging my embarrassing discomfort and the unbearable pain. His loud breathing echoed across the room until there was nothing left—nothing but the excruciating silence. Tears kept falling down my numb face but I didn’t make a single sound. Deep down I knew, in all sincerity, that I would never heal from what had just happened to me. Slowly, his breathing returned to normal and he pulled out in one swift move, causing my head to lift up in a sob that was filled with sheer panic and painful agony. Without a word, he got up and went to the bathroom.

In complete shock, I feared that he would return any moment to hurt me again. My violated body was too weak to move and all I could do was silently cry and bite the fabric of the silk sheets. Cold. I was so cold, like I had been left to die in the middle of the blizzard. I wanted to die, and a heroic part of me hoped that he would kill me, because the excruciating pain and humiliation was too much to bear. I cringed when I heard him come out of the bathroom, and I trembled in fear while he calmly put on his clothes. On the verge of a panic attack, I winced and started breathing heavily when I heard him move towards the bed. More tears surfaced in my eyes because I knew he was staring at my wretched body. The fear that he might want to torture me more, made me black out, and as I was losing consciousness, I heard the sound of the door closing behind him.

Chapter Nine

After what may have been minutes or hours, I woke up in a daze. At first, I didn’t realize where I was, but when I tried to move and felt the burning pain, the terrifying reality sunk in. I had cried my eyes dry, but my inner sadness was still immense. As I tried to get out of the bed, I noticed the sheets were smeared with blood. I felt dirty and was appalled by the gruesome sight in front of me. Bile rose from my stomach and I had to hurry to the bathroom if I didn’t want to suffer through yet another humiliation and throw up all over the bed. But it was easier said than done. The moment my feet touched the floor, I collapsed from the pain and weakness. I felt my stomach spasm and I knew I couldn’t give up, so I crawled to the bathroom, using all of the remaining strength in my broken body. My breathing started getting heavier and I was sweating as I fought the urge to throw up. Determined to reach the bathroom door, I moved inch by inch, tearing my knees on the hard carpet. Unfortunately, when I reached my target, it was too late for me to get to the toilet and I vomited all over the bathroom floor. Empty and broken beyond repair, I leaned on the tub wall and just sat there while the time stood still. All my internal clocks had stopped ticking. The only emotion I had left was shame. All I wanted was to clean myself up and never have his hands touch me again. I shuddered at the thought of him hurting me another time and shook my head with my hands on my ears to make the images disappear from my mind. Frantically, I turned on the faucet and somehow managed to get into the tub. I closed my tired eyes and let my thoughts sink into the pool of warm water. Immediate temporary release drifted over my body and mind. Sadly, it was short-lived. Violent shivers took hold of me again and I couldn’t stop myself from sobbing. What a pathetic apparition I must have been.

When the water covered my body, I turned off the faucet and realized that Sebastian was right there, leaning against the bathroom door and staring at me intently. His eyes darted towards the vomit on the floor and then he looked back at me with an unfathomable look on his face. Traitorous tears ran down my cheeks yet again and restless waves—caused by my uncontrollable shaking—started forming in the water. Terrified that he would punish me because I had vomited all over the floor, I curled into a ball and rested my head on my knees. I had no intention to move from that position. He exhaled deeply and I heard him approach me. The loud pounding of my heart punctuated each step he made as I repeated the mantra in my head. 
Please no. Please no.
He knelt next to the bathtub, and having him only inches away from me made the already overwhelming panic even more unbearable. His breath sent shivers down my spine as it lingered on my skin. My own breathing became rapid and I panted nervously; I had no idea what he intended to do to me. As his hand cupped my face, I jerked under his touch and my muscles convulsed when he lifted up my chin and made me look at him. Too ashamed to return his gaze, I tried to look away, but his grip tightened and he succeeded at fixating my eyes on his.

“D-don’t. P-Please don’t. I-I’m sorry,” I shouted in desperation, choking on my tears and begging him not to do whatever he was intent on doing.

“I won’t,” he said in a cold voice.

“I’m s-sorry,” I kept stuttering.

“Stop apologizing.” His ruthless voice warned me that it would be in my best interest to shut up.

Moments of deadly silence passed by with neither of us doing or saying anything. With an empty mind, I just stared at the restless water, silently humming a lullaby my father used to sing to us when we were children. My mind tried to escape into a happy place—back when I was ignorant of all the wickedness that ruled the world. Back to the time before my father became a nasty alcoholic, when I was protected and innocent. I tried to think about anything else but Sebastian’s threatening closeness. At that moment, I would have rather been in the ninth circle of hell than trapped in that bathroom with him. I would have rather been tortured by the devil than by Sebastian’s cruel gaze.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?” His unexpected question broke the silence.

I shivered and swallowed hard with the emergence of a fresh memory. It didn’t make any sense. Why would I tell him something he already knew? He couldn’t have possibly been that ignorant. I wanted to say something but the words were stuck in my throat.

“Are you sick?” he asserted after I didn’t answer his first question.

Anger surged through his face and I could tell he was annoyed by my unremitting silence.

“Answer me, Isabelle. Don’t make me force it out of you.”

Excruciating dread emerged within me at the sound of the threat uttered by his upset voice.

“N-No, please. I... I thought you knew.” I trailed off.

“And what made you think that? It wasn’t exactly written on your face.” He wasn’t even remotely touched by my distress.

I was absolutely sure he was toying with me, but even though he tried to hide his inner turmoil with his cold and dominant demeanor, his eyes gave it away.

Through tears, I whispered the only words I could tell him. “T-the examination... b-before the wedding.”

He gazed at me without saying anything, his eyes cold and distant. A curse filled with emotion crossed his lips before he ordered me to get out of the tub and make myself ready, because he had some important business meeting he had to attend. Suddenly, the bitter realization that I had no clothes to wear hit me. I lowered my gaze and addressed him.

“Sir…” My voice cracked.

“What?” he snapped.

“I d-don’t have anything to w-wear,” I barely stuttered the words through my sobs.

He rolled his eyes, preparing to spill his venomous words again.

“And what do you want me to do about it? You have your wedding gown, don’t you? I’m sure you’ll enjoy putting it on one more time.” He mocked me.

“P-Please, I c-can’t.” I couldn’t stop stuttering and I dreaded the mere thought of wearing the dress that represented all of my misery.

“I don’t have time for this nonsense. It’s already well past noon and I have things to do.” He arched his eyebrows and took a sharp breath, revealing presence of agitation that seethed through his impatient voice. “There’s nothing else to wear so get out of that tub and get dressed.”

I knew it was in my best interest to obey him, but the thought of him seeing me naked again troubled me deeply. His menacing gaze was more than I could handle at that moment so I hugged my knees even tighter and remained in the bathtub.

“Isabelle,” he warned me.

He cursed once more and then shook his head at me. “Do you want me to leave?” He’d read my mind and I nodded, hoping he would grant my wish.

“A husband and wife don’t hide from each other. You better get used to being naked around me because it will be happening. A lot.”

A small part of me hoped he would grant me that small shred of dignity, but even after what he had done to me, I still naively underestimated the depth of his hatred. It seemed as though he enjoyed humiliating me, and nothing I did or said could evoke even a bit of compassion in him. I closed my eyes and tried to collect some of the near non-existing courage within me to stand up. I tried to be brave. I swear I tried, but too many bad things had happened to me in a matter of a few hours and instead of getting out of that bathtub, I broke down whimpering in front of him again. He made me look into his murky eyes and I expected him to force me to stand up, but he didn’t. For a while, I felt I was being studiously inspected by his dark gaze and my teeth began to chatter when I saw he was about to speak. 

“You have exactly fifteen minutes to get ready while I go down to reception and talk to them about the little accident that happened here.” He glanced at the dirty bathroom floor and I looked away in shame. “Think of it as a favor that will be repaid later.”

I found myself thanking him when I really wasn’t supposed to be grateful. After all, he did tell me that I would have to pay for his small gesture of mercy and I was sure I had just made a deal with the devil. When he left, I got up fast, fighting the pain in the process. The adrenaline rushed through me and all I could think about was that I had to get dressed as quickly as possible. When I returned to the room, I noticed that the blood-stained sheets had been thrown on the floor and a heavy stone of shame settled in my chest. I knew he had been the one who removed them. The urge to throw up returned to my stomach, but I fought it with all my will, because I knew I was running out of time. I turned towards the white pile of my wedding clothes—which was still lying on the floor in the exact same spot where I had been humiliated by him—and I jerked as a scary flashback returned to haunt me. I took a deep breath and decided that I had to pull myself together. I quickly managed to put on my underwear, but putting on that dress turned out to be much more difficult. When I managed to put it on, I thought I was going to pass out. I was sore all over as it was, and the corset of the dress was pressing on my lungs, making it hard to breathe.

I walked up to the balcony door and observed the city panorama. My fingers ran along the white dress and images of the wedding preparations the day before flashed before my eyes. There was no point in analyzing what had transpired, but I couldn’t help it. The questions kept coming to my mind. 
Why was I so weak? Why had I let my mother control me? Why hadn’t I run away? What could have been different? 
There were thousands of questions and not one single answer that made sense. The physical and emotional pain was growing and despite having taken a bath, I still felt dirty. I needed to get away from that room because everything reminded me of what I so badly wanted to forget.

The door squealed signalizing Sebastian’s return and the moment I heard it, my arms were protectively wrapped around my middle.

“I hope you’re ready.” I turned around when I heard his voice. “We’re going home.”

The realization that this ‘home’ was now my home, hit me. I wondered where that home was and though I didn’t want to go with him, I knew I had no choice, because he was my husband. I nodded and marched toward the door. Walking was a big struggle and once we were in the elevator, a wave of dizziness hit me. The walls seemed to be closing in on me and a claustrophobic feeling clawed at me. Sebastian kept looking at me, watchfully following my every move and it made my uneasiness even more obvious to him.

“Are you hurting?” he asked with a cold, serious expression on his face, but his voice was softer this time.

My cheeks turned red as I bit my lower lip and chose not to answer his question, focusing on my dizziness instead. He seemed upset by my reaction, but didn’t respond on it. Once the elevator door opened, I tripped on my way out and ended up kneeling on the floor, completely disoriented. Sebastian was helping me up when the security guard approached us.

“Can I help you with anything, Sir? Is the lady alright?” The man was curious.

“I’m fine,” I said when I was back on my feet at last. “J-Just a bit dizzy,” I mumbled.

The man’s curious eyes wouldn’t look away from me. Then I noticed that all of the few people in the lobby stared at me with suspicious expressions on their faces. My eyes were focused on the floor when Sebastian grabbed my elbow and walked me out of the hotel. It seemed that I would feel eternally embarrassed. I was sure everyone in that lobby knew what he had done to me the previous night. Tears of shame burned my eyes even though I was so tired of crying.

He helped me into his car and didn’t talk to me for the most of the ride. I looked outside while tears blurred my vision and I tried to pretend that nothing around me was real.

“Pull yourself together. We’re in public and I don’t want a picture of my upset wife in the newspapers tomorrow. You can cry all you like when we get home.” He was agitated.

He’d said it again
. Home. 
Wherever it was that he was taking me, I knew it would never feel like home.
 
I tried my best to muffle my sobs and stop the tears that annoyed him so much. I noticed he was upset because he started speeding way above the limit again. The tremendous speed made me feel even more uncomfortable, but I didn’t dare to ask him to slow down. Instead, I clenched my hands around myself, fighting the numb pain. After a long time that stretched in frigid stillness, we passed the very outskirts of the city and reached the remote area of the fancy neighborhood where, by the looks of it, only tremendously rich people lived. He pulled up into one of the driveways and used his cell phone to open the gates. I was awestruck by the beautiful lawn, huge garden and the mansion that was apparently going to be my golden cage. I knew I wouldn’t fit in there as a maid—let alone as his wife.

“This is it,” he informed me when we pulled up in front of the mansion.

He got out of the car without saying anything else and I followed him to the door. I stood by the entrance, not knowing whether I should go after him or wait for someone else. To my surprise, everything inside seemed to be even more luxurious than what I’d seen at his parent’s house. He stopped by the stairs and turned to me with an irritated look on his face.

“Come. Quickly.”

He started climbing the stairs and I followed him to the first floor and through the hallway, until he led me to the one of the many doors.

“This is one of the guest rooms.” He opened the door and we walked in. “All of your things are already here.” He motioned towards the small pile of bags and boxes. “One of the maids will show you around later.”