Violence Begets... (28 page)

I still had my head bowed, hands pressed
into the wall, when I heard the garage door shut behind him. I had to work on easing
myself back into my body just as much as I had to work on getting out of it when
the beatings started. Slowly I pulled myself into an upright position, adjusting
to the soreness. With calculated breaths, I cleaned the drying blood and added bandages
to the deeper lashes. After putting my previously discarded shirt back on, I left
the house. I couldn’t risk him finding me at home. I’d made plans to chill at Brett’s
house most of the day. I didn’t drive. My father assumed I took the bus to the job
I told him I had secured for the summer—even though there was no job. As much as
I would’ve liked to take the spare car, I knew that leaning against the seat after
a beating would be outrageously stupid. Not to mention the lack of explanation to
my father for the additional mileage. As I walked past Rick’s I saw him out of the
corner of my eye, walking out his front door. I pulled up short and almost turned
back to my house but then felt like kicking myself in the ass for even considering
running away from him. My anger flashed at the fact that he was up and going for
the day. He never got up early unless he had a reason to, and I knew he hadn’t found
a job. The whole reason I was walking past his fucking house was because he wasn’t
supposed to be around. Again, I wanted to kick my own ass. It didn’t matter what
the fuck he was doing. I reminded myself that he was dead to me.

 I felt him watching me as I kept my
pace confident, easy and steady. My eyes burned with the need to glance at him,
but I knew I’d end up wanting to knock his teeth out, and he wasn’t worth it.

By the time I got to Brett’s, I was
still rattled. It had been less than an hour since my father had been raining blows
onto my back with a taut leather belt. Then I had the fucking misfortune of running
into Rick. And to top it off, I had to walk into Brett’s house like I owned the
goddamn place.

 “Wow, what happened to you?” Brett
said, creating the distraction I needed, obviously commenting on the split lip and
healthy bruise forming on my cheek from the night before.

“You should’ve seen the other guy.”

“I’ve been the other guy,” he quipped.
I narrowed my eyes at his sudden show of courage.

“Yeah, you got off easy.”

“What’d he do?”

“Pissed me off.” I couldn’t very well
tell him that it was my thirteenth fight in the last few months and that I went
out several times a week just looking for some asshole to fuck with.

“So, there’s this party this weekend
for the 24
^th
…” Brett began.

“And.”

“And,” he hesitated. “Well, we were
talking—”

I interrupted him. “We?” I asked, just
‘cause I felt like being an ass.

“Yeah, Jeremy, Mike, you know.” When
I didn’t say anything, he kept going. “So yeah, there’s a party and we were thinking…”
he stopped.

“Thinking what?” God, sometimes it was
painful to watch him squirm. I knew I wasn’t helping him spit it out, but, Jesus,
he could be so ridiculous.

“It’s at a guy’s house from Olympus.
Maybe we should go,” he managed to say just as a good song came on his radio. Without
responding, I turned up the music and ignored him. I sprawled out, stomach down
on his couch, and buried my head in my arms, leaving him to wonder if I was pissed
or just bored. I wasn’t really either. Mostly I wanted to hit him, and I knew that
probably wasn’t the best answer.

By late afternoon, Jeremy and Mike had
shown up at Brett’s. Part of me wanted to go ballistic and just fuck them all up,
but after Charlie it had taken me a long time to regain my footing with them. I’d
dished out a lot of free booze and drugs in the weeks that followed, and I didn’t
want my investment to be wasted. Once I felt comfortable with my position again,
my patience had started to return to that of a fucking two year old. I found it
easier to keep myself from completely going off by clamping my mouth shut.

It wasn’t until I was ready to go home
that I brought up the party.

“So, I heard about a party this weekend,”
I said, narrowing my eyes at Brett. I waited to see if he’d step up and say something
about the fact that it had been his idea. I almost wished he would. I really was
itching for an excuse to pound him. “I was thinking we should go,” I continued,
smirking, trying to bait him.

“Sound’s good,” Mike said, looking at
Brett. It would appear that Brett had drawn the short straw and had been sent to
talk to me about the party. Their obvious confusion made me feel a little better.
Just fucking with them kept my mind busy.

I knew I pushed all of them more than
normal without Rick around, but I wasn’t stupid. I kept the weed and beer in good
supply. I personally made it through each day by taking downers or fucking pain
pills, trying to keep my temper in check. When I didn’t spend time at Zarahemla
or one of their houses, I was out cruising the closing of the bars, looking for
some hopped-up meathead to fuck up.

Rick

“I don’t know how I ever let you talk
me into this,” I called out from the bathroom.

“Come on, Rick, you’ve been locked in
this house for months. You need to get out. Besides, it’s a state holiday for the
Mormons. What better reason to go get trashed and light off some fireworks?”

I grabbed a comb out of my drawer and
ran it several times over the bruises on my upper arm. I wasn’t sure the trick actually
worked, but it didn’t hurt to try. “Yeah, but a party with a bunch of people I don’t
know?” I said as I pulled the door open. Jessica leaned against the wall right outside.

“That’s the point, you won’t run into…”
She stopped. We didn’t talk about Kevin, not since she had asked me about him in
the hallway at school. I wondered if she thought I might have stronger feelings
for him, but she never pushed it. “I mean. It’ll be a nice change of crowd.”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Hey, did I tell you? I got my acceptance
letter from ASU.”

“Seriously? That’s great, Jessica. Congratulations.
Does Derek know yet?”

She looked absolutely beautiful when
she laughed, “Of course he does. We’ll both be attending.”

“Wow, look at you settling down into
monogamy,” I said, giving her a hug. She really did deserve such a great guy. He’d
been chasing her for years, and she'd finally realized how amazing he was.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” she smiled,
but her eyes saddened a little.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I asked.

“Nothing.”

“Come on now. You can tell me,” I insisted.

“It’s you, Rick. I wish you were coming
too. You’re like my best friend, and I don’t want to leave you here alone.”

I almost blurted out that I wasn’t alone,
but I stopped myself. There was no point lying to her. “I’ll be fine. If you haven’t
noticed, I’m kinda stubborn that way.”

“Have you heard back from anyone yet?”

“No, not yet,” I lied. I’d been accepted
at NYU, IU and Berkeley, but part of me couldn’t imagine leaving Kevin to deal with
his dad on his own. In reality, I knew I couldn’t actually do anything for him,
yet I hadn’t accepted admission at any of the schools. “So, whose party are we going
to?” I asked as we headed out the door.

“Mason.”

Kevin

“Where the fuck is this guy’s house?
What’s his name again?” I asked, tapping my fingers irritably on the steering wheel.

“Mason, and it’s just around the corner,”
Mike said from the backseat of my car.

“What the fuck kind of name is that?”

“It’s there.” Mike’s hand appeared from
the back, pointing out the front window to the left. The street was already lined
with dozens of cars.

“Looks like a good one,” Jeremy said
when he got out of my car. As we headed to the house, we came alongside some girls
dressed in next to nothing.

“Well, hello ladies,” I drawled out,
running my hand through my hair and flashing a half smile. They giggled, and I almost
gagged. “Going to Mason’s, I assume?” The name still sounded fucking idiotic to
me. I held out my arm to the hottest girl of the group. “May I?” I asked her. She
glanced excitedly towards her friends and laced her delicate hand, fake nails and
all, through my arm. She told me her name, which I filed away for use if needed,
but I didn’t think I’d actually need to remember it. She was all for show. A few
kisses, some dancing, wandering hands and people would be satisfied.

I noticed another car that looked familiar
drive by and park down the street. It was too dark to make out all the details,
but I made a note to pay attention to see if I knew anyone else at this lame-ass
get-together.

 My first goal was to find alcohol.
The discarded beer bong on the table seemed to fit in perfectly with my plan.

“Hey, Jeremy, why don’t you do the honors?”
I said as I motioned towards the bong. It was a hell of way to start out, one of
the quickest and cheapest ways to get fucked up, and I planned on all four of us
getting hammered. At his hint of hesitation, I said, “Fuck, if you’re not man enough,
get that shit ready for me.” I pulled the high-heeled, tight-ass-shirted blonde
behind me. “Would you like to go first?” I said with a smile. It was never a good
idea to be a complete ass to a female.

“I’m okay.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Don’t mind if I do. Put two in there,”
I said, turning back to Jeremy. As he poured, I got down on my knees and put the
end of the hose in my mouth, thumb over the hole. As soon as the beers were loaded
and bubbles tapped out, I released the pressure and felt it shoot down my throat.
I had no problem swallowing. I’d long since rid myself of my gag reflex and the
beers sailed down smoothly. The crowd around me cheered.

Rick

“Looks like they got the beer bong going,”
Jessica said as we walked past a crowd of cheering people. “Wanna try?”

“Nah, not tonight. You?” I said, barely
glancing at the group.

“No, not really. Got a joint? I could
use a hit.”

“Yeah, let’s go out back,” I said, spotting
a patio door off the kitchen.

After several hits, she turned, grabbed
my arm and put it around her, nestling into my chest. It wasn’t the first time.
She was a touchy person, but it always made me uncomfortable. She’d move or twist
the wrong way, and I’d have to concentrate on not flinching as she hit a sore spot.

“Are you gay?” she asked, suddenly.
I choked out the smoke I was holding in.

“What the…?” I coughed and stalled.

“I don’t care if you are. I just want
you to know that I’m okay with it, you know, if you are.”

“I’m not,” I finally said, and she remained
silent. Strangely, as my mind reeled with panic, I thought it weird that she’d ask
about me being gay before she asked about the bruises. Going back to what Kevin
had said once, it just confirmed that people didn’t want to believe there was a
monster living next door. After the shock of her question wore off, I considered
answering her. It’d be nice to have someone to talk to about Kevin. But when it
came down to it, I didn’t even know if I was gay for sure. “I mean...” I stopped.
She had shared so much with me and had never asked anything in return. “Why do you
ask? I was with you.”

After several moments, she offered,
“I’m not sure, just a feeling.”

“Do I act gay?” Dread settled in. God,
if she suspected, then I wondered who else might have guessed.

“No, not at all,” she said, wrapping
her arms around me.

I settled on, “I don’t know,” because
I didn’t have an answer for her. I didn’t know if it was just Kevin or if it was
me. I hadn’t had those feelings before him, not like he described. And at one point
I had been attracted to, and turned on by Jessica.

“Have you ever kissed a guy?” Again,
I considered answering her, but I knew this was a loaded question, and Kevin’s secret
was not mine to share. I trusted her not to tell anyone, but I just couldn’t risk
her putting things together.

“No,” I lied and she believed it. She
was always far too trusting of me.

“Do you want to?”

“I’ve thought about it. Does that make
me gay?” I replied honestly. “Have you ever wanted to kiss a girl?”

“Yeah, I guess. I’d be willing to try
it.”

“Does that make you gay?”

“Huh. Hadn’t really thought about it
that way.”

“I think it’s different for girls. I
mean, it’s hot to think about girls like that.”

“Maybe you’re not gay,” she laughed,
and I knew I had effectively steered her clear of my secret and of Kevin.

With the joint done, I had no reason
to hide outside anymore. Luckily, I was able to find a beer and a room of people
playing video games. Hiding behind a game controller was almost as appealing as
hiding behind a joint. I sent Jessica off to find Derek, and sat cross-legged in
front of the couch, tuning out the people around me.