Authors: Joey W. Hill
Vampire Trinity (58 page)
When she rose for the evening, she found Gideon had fallen asleep on the couch. She’d wanted to slide onto that lean body, twine around him, hold him close to her heart, but she couldn’t bear it. She’d gone up top upon rising, with Daegan, to do rounds. She’d worked upstairs, cognizant of Daegan’s presence, his watchfulness, and then she’d asked him for privacy when she went back down to face what she had to do.
So here she was. She’d come back in, heard Gideon in the shower, taken a seat in her wing-backed chair. Allowed herself to slide into his mind fully for the first time in three days and almost sobbed at the pleasure of it. Experiencing the roll of water down his body, watching his hands rise to slick the hair back from his skull. Feeling the loneliness in his mind warring with irritation and anger at her treatment of him, the confusion and apprehension.
He always sensed her in his mind, so it spoke keenly of his state that she’d startled him when he stepped out of the bathroom.
She knew what he saw. A Mistress in full regalia, no softness to her. A corset and snug skirt, high boots, hair slicked back. She’d greeted some high-dollar clients tonight, introduced them to the staff members who would pleasure them, but that wasn’t why she’d dressed this way. Gideon reacted to her remote and tempting appearance, his barely leashed irritation rising again, a cloak for more jagged emotions.
He knew, as she did. Except he thought there was something to fight about, but there wasn’t. She wished there was. There was nothing to change or fix.
“What do you mean, I need to choose?” He spoke stiffly.
When she let her gaze course down Gideon’s bare chest, the arrow of hair that disappeared into the towel, she heard his hopeful, hungry thought that maybe she was ready to make up, ready to take him into her body, use his as she wished. It made him despise himself, made him feel like he had no pride.
It made her despise herself, because of how desperately she wanted to accept less than what they both deserved, so she wouldn’t have to face this moment.
“Sex is the great anesthesia, isn’t it?” She cocked her head. “For men at least.”
His brow furrowed. She felt him reach out to her on instinct, but she kept that wall steady between them. She was becoming better at making her screen opaque, possibly a cumulative effect of Brian’s serum. She wanted to celebrate how much control she was reclaiming for herself, but not only was Gideon a cornerstone of that control; she actually missed the intimacy of giving him easy access, letting him share her thoughts, something she’d never thought she’d appreciate with anyone.
“Anwyn, what’s happening?” His voice stayed wooden, though, his expression already closing against her.
“I’m letting you go, if that’s what you want,” she said. “I don’t care about the Vampire Council, what they say about not releasing a servant. As far as they’re concerned, I’ll just say you travel for me a great deal.”
He reached for the jeans he’d left over a chair, yanked them on and tossed away the towel with a jerky movement. It gave her only a second to enjoy bare flesh, though she was hypercognizant that he put no briefs on. Only thin denim separated her from him. Thin denim and a chasm only he could cross. And wouldn’t.
“I guess I knew this was coming.” He shrugged. “Whatever.”
Anwyn rose, her eyes on his face, though he wouldn’t meet her gaze. Didn’t he know she could read everything in his mind, feel his pain and betrayal rising to the forefront to tear him apart, even as he used it as his only defense?
“You’re not listening, Gideon. You have two choices, and neither one is wrong. I’m not angry with you, I promise. This was never your decision, becoming a servant.” She pushed aside her own anguish. “While becoming a vampire wasn’t mine, it’s one I can live with.”
“I’ve been here. I’ve been fucking doing what a servant is supposed to do. I haven’t asked you to be different—”
“Do you know what I notice about you?” she interrupted quietly, stepping forward. He pulled on his shirt, raked his hands in his hair, and rocked away from her, avoiding her outstretched hand. Anwyn dropped it, firming her lips. “You won’t refer to yourself directly as my servant, except when necessary for the perception of others. You close your eyes when you feed, when I feed, because you can’t handle seeing yourself feeding or being fed by a vampire. At the Coffin, you couldn’t accept the part of me that would have forced those girls to feed Daegan. You considered it a great and noble sacrifice to offer Daegan your blood, because it was still something you were deeply reluctant to do. When he refused, it angered and hurt you, but there was relief as well.”
“Doesn’t sound like there’s a choice anywhere in there,” he said gruffly.
“If you wish to stay with me, you accept three things. You accept me as a vampire, not as a victim of one. You accept yourself as a servant, with me as your vampire Mistress. If I see in your mind that you can accept that right now, then you can stay.”
“Fine, I accept it. That’s only two things.”
She arched a brow at the obvious lie. “You accept Daegan. Feed him tonight, and let him take you to his bed, without me.”
He stepped backward involuntarily, though he tried to catch himself. “See?” She nodded with a sad smile. “Your mind rejects all those requirements, Gideon, perversely because your heart and soul
don’t
. It’s exactly what they want, but your mind is the guard at the prison gates. You won’t free yourself until you’re ready.” Her emotions spiraled upward, like there was a geyser in her heart, needing to release pressure, but she fought it back down, kept her voice steady. “Remember that first session between us, when I walked out because you wouldn’t give me your real name? This is that, all over again. I need you to admit what you really want, surrender that to me.”
don’t
. It’s exactly what they want, but your mind is the guard at the prison gates. You won’t free yourself until you’re ready.” Her emotions spiraled upward, like there was a geyser in her heart, needing to release pressure, but she fought it back down, kept her voice steady. “Remember that first session between us, when I walked out because you wouldn’t give me your real name? This is that, all over again. I need you to admit what you really want, surrender that to me.”
“That isn’t a choice. And this is bullshit. You’re just ready to be done with me and choosing a chickenshit way to do it. Hell, Anwyn, it hasn’t been that long. I can’t just change overnight—”
“No, you can’t. But I can’t change at all. You were right, what you saw in my mind in the Coffin. I am a vampire, Gideon, and that will continue to grow stronger inside me. I hope it won’t change certain things about me, but it has changed other things, and will continue to do so. Gideon, I need a true, dedicated servant.”
I need you.
Though she held that yearning thought back. “A servant is my link to my humanity, to the values and beliefs that have guided me throughout my life. I’m going to need those. I need to hold on to some of what I am, figure out what parts are really, truly me. I need a servant to help me do that, but one who will, at the same time, accept whatever I’m becoming fully.”
I need you.
Though she held that yearning thought back. “A servant is my link to my humanity, to the values and beliefs that have guided me throughout my life. I’m going to need those. I need to hold on to some of what I am, figure out what parts are really, truly me. I need a servant to help me do that, but one who will, at the same time, accept whatever I’m becoming fully.”
She took a step forward, holding him in her gaze, suffering, wanting to hold his rigid, angry body in her arms, soothe all those tense muscles. “When a person gives another time to change, Gideon, it’s because they
can’t
see into their head. They’re just nursing hope that something about that person will alter. I can read your mind, your thoughts. Hating and killing vampires, seeing their excesses and violence, is something trapped so deeply inside of you.”
can’t
see into their head. They’re just nursing hope that something about that person will alter. I can read your mind, your thoughts. Hating and killing vampires, seeing their excesses and violence, is something trapped so deeply inside of you.”
“And what about those gremlins in your head? You know I’m the only one—”
“I’ll manage. I have serums to help, and Daegan will help. I don’t need you for that.”
His features tightened as if she’d struck him. Anwyn swallowed the pain with the lie, tried to steady her voice again. “I could give you more time, both of us more time, but my heart won’t take it. I already care so much for you. It may be selfish and cruel of me, but as you said, that’s what vampires are. I don’t want to wait. I want it all, and I want it now, or I want you gone. If you come back, you come back to me forever, with full commitment to those three things, no matter what. I know this hurts.” Her voice quavered, despite her best efforts, and his gaze snapped to hers. She was going to die inside in another few moments. She managed the rest in a whisper. “But doing this now will be less cruel, to both of us.”
“Fine. If you want me out, I’m out. Go back upstairs with Daegan. When you come back down, I’ll be gone.” He stepped forward, but she shifted, moving in front of him.
“I’m not done. I need to say something else to you, something I think you need to hear.”
“I don’t need your psychoanalysis,” he snapped. “Just get the hell out of the way.”
“No,” she said, her tone becoming even softer. “When I’m done, I’ll move, but you’ll hear me out. I know you, Gideon. You won’t strike out at me.”
He planted his feet, his face hard as granite. “Fine. Say it so I can get the fuck out of here.”
It almost stole her breath, the vicious anger in his voice, the fact that for a moment, he
had
wanted to hit her, strike her down, knowing she’d get back up without a mark on her, because a vampire couldn’t be wounded, not by a lowly human. The shadow creatures in her head stirred restlessly, anticipating. Soon he would be gone, and the battle to fight them would be hers and Daegan’s alone. They could do it. They would have to, because she couldn’t bear this.
had
wanted to hit her, strike her down, knowing she’d get back up without a mark on her, because a vampire couldn’t be wounded, not by a lowly human. The shadow creatures in her head stirred restlessly, anticipating. Soon he would be gone, and the battle to fight them would be hers and Daegan’s alone. They could do it. They would have to, because she couldn’t bear this.
She made herself pull out the harder edge of the Mistress she knew she could be. He needed it now, but more than that, it was the only way she was going to get through this without breaking down.
“It isn’t that vampires repulse you, or that you can’t let go of what happened to Laura. The largest part of it isn’t about that anymore. It’s because you
want
to be my servant. You want to belong to me, and more than that, you want to belong to us. Both of us. It scares the shit out of you. The only way you can handle that is to keep acting like a foster kid forced to be part of a family he knows he really can’t do without. So he pisses and moans about how he hates them, even as he hopes they’ll always be there.”
want
to be my servant. You want to belong to me, and more than that, you want to belong to us. Both of us. It scares the shit out of you. The only way you can handle that is to keep acting like a foster kid forced to be part of a family he knows he really can’t do without. So he pisses and moans about how he hates them, even as he hopes they’ll always be there.”
His jaw flexed and he crossed his arms over his chest, walling himself off to her. Deliberately, she curled her fingers over the rigid forearm on top, felt the quiver of reaction. “Surrender is your choice, Gideon. That’s the thing you want the most and can’t accept. If you ever accept it, you come back to us. But until then, we’re done playing Mommy and Daddy to you.”
“Go to hell.”
Anwyn thanked all the years she’d had to practice a neutral expression in volatile circumstances, because she had to draw on it as she never had before when the venomous words pierced her. His mind was pure roiling emotion. She could handle all that, the usual rage and fury, but not the sudden panic beneath the anger. He was realizing that she really meant it. Except he believed she truly
wanted
him gone, because his mind wouldn’t accept her words.
wanted
him gone, because his mind wouldn’t accept her words.
Oh, Gideon.
He recoiled from her touch. “I was around when you needed a nursemaid, or a big brother, or a quick fuck to scratch your itch,” he spat. “I was your babysitter for Daegan. Now all you need is each other. You don’t get to make yourselves feel better by telling me it’s for some fucking magnanimous reason. You’re tossing me out of the nest because that’s what you want, what’s easiest for you both. Well, you didn’t have to come up with some sentimental excuse. I told you I’d eventually leave.”
She moved in again; he moved back again. One more step, and he had nowhere but the corner, unless he wanted to knock her down. She lifted her chin so their faces were inches apart. His body was vibrating with fury, and a heartbreaking need to reach out, to offer something to her to change her mind. She visualized herself encased in solid ice, and was glad Daegan wasn’t here, because she didn’t think she could handle any acknowledgment of the pain she was feeling.
“I wanted to do the same thing. Rationalize it, tell myself to give you more time, the time you say you need. It was a comfortable idea. You’ve lived your whole life under one belief system, and it’s difficult to change. You’ve never doubted your instincts as a hunter. It’s what you know best. This transition threw me off, but somewhere along the past three days, I remembered that, as a Mistress, I never doubted my instincts. And I shouldn’t have forgotten that. You’re ready to make this decision, Gideon. This is a thorn that has to be drawn out immediately, no matter how much pain it causes. Leaving it in, hoping it will work itself out, will only lead to festering, infection. For all of us.”
He was staring at the ground to the left of her body, closing himself off to her. But she could tell from the cock of his head, the thrumming tension of his body, he was listening to every word. Probably looking for a way to change her mind, refute her logic, but he’d remember the words later. She hoped.
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