Uptown Girl (17 page)

Kate spun around in horror. ‘Is that part of your research, too?' she asked. ‘If that's a requirement we may as well go home now. Bina already made it clear that she's not going to sleep with that man.'

‘I thought I didn't have to go to bed for this to work,' Bina whined. ‘I love Jack and don't…'

‘Although I can't be certain, evidence leads me to believe that neither the repressed lesbian nor the nun-to-be had intercourse with Billy Nolan,' Elliot informed them.

‘I can't believe you!' Kate exclaimed. ‘How do you…'

‘Oh, calm down both of you,' Elliot interrupted. ‘Not laid, LAID. L-A-I-D,' he spelled. ‘God, I hate acronyms. They're so military and butch. Lick, Arouse, Ignore and Disturb.'

‘What am I supposed to lick, Elliot?' Bina asked him, her voice very tentative.

‘Your lips,' Elliot answered.

‘And that's all you lick, Missy,' Kate added, like a disapproving mother.

‘And that will arouse him?' Bina asked.

‘I can't guarantee it would work on me,' Elliot said, ‘but, yes, it appears that most straight men are aroused when their dates lick their lips.'

‘I know
I
am,' Brice offered.

‘And what do I ignore?' Bina wondered, missing the joke.

‘Him!' Elliot answered, as if to say ‘Uh, duh!'

‘And why?' Kate demanded, not liking this acronym at all. She was only afraid that Billy would ignore Bina and the entire plan would fall apart, Bina along with it. ‘Why should Bina ignore him?'

‘Because he obviously has intimacy issues,' Elliot explained, turning to Kate with exasperation. ‘God! You're the shrink, not me.'

‘I don't get it,' Bina admitted.

‘If you ignore him, he won't be afraid of you,' Elliot said, turning back to her and speaking very gently, as if to a child. ‘And if he's not afraid, he'll ask you out – and maybe even again after that. We just have to get past the two point seven month requirement.'

‘Fine,' Bina said good-naturedly, ‘I've licked, I've aroused, and I've ignored. What was next?'

‘Disturb,' Elliot answered.

‘That should be easy,' Kate told them. ‘Just tell him why we're doing this. I think Billy Nolan would find this whole idea very disturbing.'

‘But not
too
disturbing,' Elliot told Bina, pointedly ignoring Kate's comment. ‘Try to be just disturbing enough to be a challenge, but not challenging enough to be a turn-off. You get it?' he asked.

‘I think so,' Bina stammered, obviously trying to sort out all of the advice, keep the acronym in order, walk on the broken sidewalk and keep a smile on her face.

‘Well, come on, kids,' Brice said as he flagged down another cab. ‘The Bitches and Billy are waiting!' He looked them over and started to laugh. ‘This is a little like the Osbournes visiting Sesame Street.'

The cab pulled up to the subway stop at Bedford Street, where they had all agreed to meet. Bev and Barbie were already there. Bev was looking
very, very
pregnant while Barbie appeared to have raided the closet of a fifteen-year-old girl without regard for the difference in size.

‘I haven't had a night out with the girls in I don't know how long,' Bev squealed.

‘Me, either. Biological girls at least,' Elliot said, looking lovingly over at Brice, who had immediately gotten into a ‘deep' conversation with Barbie about hemlines.

‘We're going to meet Bunny at the bar,' Bev told them.

‘Isn't she newly married?' Kate asked in disbelief. ‘They're barely back from their honeymoon. Doesn't she want to spend her weekend with Arnie?' Once the words were out of her mouth she realized how her new culture was colliding with her old.

‘Hey, she just got married to him and finished
their honeymoon. How much do you expect?' Bev asked. In the darkness Kate had to smile. The gang had a very split but pragmatic view of marriage: that it was necessary to have but easy to ignore. The girls hung with the girls and the guys hung with the guys.

Kate, looking at her motley crew, was having serious doubts about the whole expedition. Even if the outfit and hair were great, Bina looked very uncomfortable. Kate quietly pulled her away from the rest of the group. ‘Bina, you don't have to do this,' she said in a near whisper. ‘I know you really love Jack and I really believe he loves you. This is just a momentary aberration.'

‘Is that Manhattan for “fucking around”?' Bina asked bitterly. Apparently the new look also put a slight new edge on Bina's personality.

They continued to walk down Bedford, which looked more and more disreputable.

‘He probably regrets what he said,' Kate said, trying to talk her out of the whole thing. ‘He'll call.'

‘Kate,' Bina began. ‘After I've dedicated six years to him he wants to explore his singleness. Who does he think he is? Ponce de León?' She looked over at Bev. And more specifically, Bev's swelling belly. ‘Neither of us has found the fountain of youth. Don't you worry about your biological clock?'

Elliot, having heard the entire conversation, chose this moment to interject. ‘Like every modern girl,' he said, putting his arm around Kate, ‘Kate
has had her eggs frozen for future reference.'

‘You have?' Bina said in awe.

‘Really?' Barbie joined in.

‘Don't listen to him. He's crazy,' Kate told them as if his nonsense didn't embarrass her although a telltale blush had pinked her cheeks. ‘Anyway, where the hell is this place?' she asked, diverting the attention away from her frozen eggs and on to the task at hand.

Bev looked down at the piece of paper in her hand. She had to squint because of the near darkness. ‘I think we turn down at the next corner.' She indicated a side street. Kate was very grateful for the company of Brice and Elliot now. ‘Bunny gave me these directions. I know it's here somewhere,' Bev said. They turned the corner. ‘There should be a barber's pole…'

‘A barber's pole?' Kate asked, raising her eyebrows.

‘Yeah, it's a converted barber shop!' Barbie informed her.

‘There it is!' Brice pointed down the block to a barely visible red, blue and white striped pole.

‘How did you ever notice that? It must be because you're a Taurus. They are very talented at acquiring sight,' Bev said.

‘Oh, honey. It's not the stars,' Brice said with a smirk. ‘If there is a pole, I can find it!'

‘Since I'm supposed to meet Billy here, I'm buying.' Bina's voice cut through Kate's thoughts. ‘What's everybody drinking? Beers?'

‘Not for me, beer gives me gas,' Bev said, ‘and no alcohol for the baby. You know, sometimes, alcohol that the mother drinks can affect the baby,' she said, patting her swell.

‘Really? I would have never thought,' Elliot said, not bothering to conceal his sarcasm. ‘Beer for everyone and a Shirley Temple for the mother-to-be,' he told Bina.

‘Okay,' she said, ‘so now what do I do?'

‘I'll help,' Kate offered. ‘The rest of you see if you can find us a table. And if we're not back in ten minutes, send a search party.'

Kate led Bina through the crowd to the bar. ‘Try to get Billy's attention,' Kate said. Kate could see Billy Nolan down at the end of the bar. His white shirt emphasized both his wide shoulders and his tan. Kate wondered, briefly, if he was so vain that
he went to a tanning parlor, but there wasn't time for much reflection. ‘Call him,' Kate told Bina.

‘Call him what?' Bina asked.

Unfortunately, at that moment an older man, balding and with a beer belly, came at them from the other end of the bar. ‘What will it be, ladies?'

‘Ohmigod!' Bina whispered to Kate. ‘That's not him.'

‘Great pick-up line,' Kate told Bina. Then, turning to the bartender, she said, ‘Thanks anyway, we're just looking.'

‘Okay, Red. But if you're looking for a guy to buy you a drink, look no further.'

Kate hated it when anyone called her ‘Red' or ‘Carrot Top' or ‘Freckles' or any of the names she'd lived with in her childhood. Anyway, her freckles had faded and her hair had darkened into what she liked to think of as auburn. But what dumb bartender would offer a drink to ‘Auburn'?

‘Don't worry,' she told Bina, ‘we'll get to him.'

Kate did a quick scan of the crowd at the bar. It was clear that it was far busier at Billy's end, and that a gaggle of girls had monopolized the stools, while she could barely see Billy. She grabbed Bina and pulled her through the crowd to the other end of the room, and then, mostly by pushing and a couple of shoulder moves, got the two of them right up to the bar again, this time at the right place.

As she waited to be served, Kate had time to look around. They were almost crushed at the
packed bar. She sighed. She felt way too old for the bar scene. Did that mean she was getting old at thirty-one? At least this place was a little more imaginative than most, she had to admit that. The old barber chairs, obviously restored, were still screwed into the black-and-white marble floor, and the bar, a dark mahogany, was backed by what must have been the original mirror and shelves of the barber shop. Among the vodkas and malt Scotches lined up, there were also antique shaving cups and old bottles of hair tonic, aftershave and the like. The place had obviously been expanded from the original shop. Aside from the bar and the row of chairs where people were clustered, there were banquettes along the far wall, and tables and booths in the back.

Above the noise she heard a middle-aged bartender holler, ‘Hey, Laurie! Long time no see. What you been up to?'

‘I found a real man, Pete,' the Laurie person's voice told him. ‘Meet Ralphie.'

Kate had to smile. She, like Ralph, would have an ‘ie' added to her name. It must happen when you crossed Court Street, because it wasn't the case in Brooklyn Heights.

‘You owe me a drink at least,' Laurie said.

‘How about champagne?' the bartender offered. ‘You used to like it when I popped your cork.'

‘Well, this time you can pop it up your ass,' Laurie told him.

‘Ah, the wit of the boroughs,' Elliot murmured
in Kate's ear, making her jump. ‘See. I knew this would be fun,' he said.

Kate couldn't help herself. She had to see what kind of people could be so vulgar in a public place, even if it was a bar. But when she turned her head to look, she was surprised to see that Laurie and Ralph didn't look a whole lot different from her and Michael. She thanked God that she had chosen not to bring him, despite his hurt feelings.

‘You must have picked up those moves in Manhattan,' Elliot commented on her push through to the bar.

‘There are a lot of things I've picked up in Manhattan,' Kate replied.

‘Now, get to work,' Elliot whispered urgently, and hurried away back to the others.

Bina looked behind Kate. ‘Ohmigod! It's really him.'

Kate kept her back to the bar, facing away from Billy and toward Bina. ‘Yep. Elvis has not left the building. Get on my left and get his attention,' she commanded and hoped it would work.

‘What comes first?' Bina whispered desperately. ‘Was it the lick or the annoy?'

‘Just call his name and order our beer,' Kate demanded, turning toward the bar to help her. Billy, his teeth as white as his luminous shirt, his hair more golden than Kate remembered, finished pouring a drink for another customer. ‘Say something,' Kate whispered and gave Bina a hard elbow.

‘Billy! Here,' Bina gasped. Perhaps he heard her urgency because he came right over to Bina.

‘What'll it be, ladies?' he asked, flashing his perfect Crest commercial smile. Kate turned away but it was too late. Billy looked straight into her face and she didn't think it was her imagination that she saw his eyes change in recognition. She elbowed Bina again.

‘Two pitchers of Shirley Temples and a beer,' Bina sputtered, and then flushed bright red.

‘Better line, but not effective,' Kate said softly to Bina, who had apparently frozen with an exaggerated smile, her eyes bulging.

Billy narrowed his eyes for a moment and searched Kate's face but Kate was careful to keep hers perfectly blank and slightly behind Bina's, hoping he wouldn't remember her. ‘Is this for a whole table of designated drivers and one drunk?' Billy smirked. He ignored Bina's embarrassed giggle and looked directly at Kate.

‘It's two pitchers of beer and one Shirley Temple,' Kate replied, not as amused.

Billy wouldn't take his eyes off Kate. ‘At the risk of sounding like a cliché,' he began, which sounded like a cliché in itself to Kate, ‘have we met before?'

‘I think you met my friend, Bina. At Bunny and Arnie's wedding,' Kate said. ‘Bina, this is Billy.' Kate noticed how Billy did not even look at Bina, but rather kept his gaze on her. Her face felt hot under his stare.

‘Nice to meet you,' Billy said to Bina without so much as a nod in her direction. ‘But you and I,' he said, still looking intently at Kate, ‘we met…'

‘Bina lives here in Brooklyn, too,' Kate interrupted, pulling her eyes away from him and focusing on her friend.

‘Oh, yeah? Nearby?' Billy asked, glancing over at Bina for the first time.

‘Well, kind of. In Bensonhurst,' Bina replied, much too anxious.

Billy began to pour the two pitchers of beer. ‘Hey, there's a big difference between Bensonhurst and Williamsburg, Reina.'

‘Bina, her name is Bina,' Kate said. Who did this guy think he was anyway?

Billy shrugged and handed over the tray with the drinks on it. Kate took the tray and hustled Bina to the table where the rest of the group was sitting.

‘That was him!' Bina exclaimed.

‘Who?' Elliot said slyly.

‘HIM!' Bina squealed.

‘Mel Gibson?' Bev asked, playing along.

‘Bill Clinton?' Barbie joined in.

‘If so, honey, tell him if he comes back to be our president he can have all the interns he wants,' Brice said. Brice didn't exactly feel positive about what he called ‘the Bush league' and was verbal about it.

‘It was Billy,' Kate said aside to Elliot, ‘but he didn't have the ightest-slay interest-ay.' Elliot grimaced at Kate's ridiculous Pig Latin message.
Bina was going to need all the help she could get. ‘Well, here are your pitchers, ladies,' Kate said, handing over the tray. ‘I'm going to run to the bathroom.'

Kate made her way through the crowd to the tiny one-stall bathroom. It was surprisingly clean. Kate had just entered when she heard two voices outside.

‘Hey, did you see the way that redhead looked at me?' one voice said. It was that bartender, the middle-aged guy named Pete. ‘Man, she's hot! Did you see the eyes on that girl? And she had two other beautiful things.' Evidently, he was talking about Kate.

‘What redhead?' Kate recognized Billy's voice immediately.

‘The one who carried off those two pitchers of beer,' Pete said.

‘She wasn't looking at you,' Billy said, thinly veiling his contempt of Pete's illusions.

‘You know,' Pete grunted, ‘you do all right for yourself but sometimes you miss the subtleties. She wants me.'

Kate heard Billy groan and the two were quiet for a moment. Then Billy's voice broke the silence. ‘Susie was in earlier.'

‘Shit!' she heard the other man curse. ‘And I missed her. She was so fucking hot. Why did you dump her?'

‘I dunno,' Billy answered. ‘Anyway, she comes in and tells me that…'

‘Don't tell me,' the other guy interrupted, ‘she's engaged, right?'

‘How did you know?' Billy asked.

‘Billy – buddy, look. I don't know what it is that you do to these women, but once you date them they become like marriage roach motels. Other guys check in but they don't check out.'

Kate was finished, and she really didn't want to hear any more of what they had to say, but even as she flushed, washed her hands, and hit the dryer button, she could still hear the men talking.

‘Usually it wouldn't bother me,' Billy said, ‘but I was at Arnie's wedding a few weeks ago and I realized that I'm like the last single guy out of all my friends.'

‘You're a bartender,' the other guy said. ‘Bartenders are supposed to be single. You're not the marrying type. Besides, what's happening with Tina?'

Kate didn't need to hear any more. She was just glad that Elliot wasn't there to listen. She opened the door quickly, hoping to get back to the table before Billy and his friend were finished with their break, but she was moving too late. Just as she stepped into the passage beyond the restroom door, she found herself face to face with Billy Nolan.

‘Whoa! Slow down, Red,' he said as Kate tried to continue on her way without speaking. She ignored him. Then he actually reached out and touched her arm. ‘We met at the wedding, didn't
we, Doctor?' The hallway was narrow and a guy pushed past them and nudged her up against Billy. He steadied her with a hand on each shoulder and looked at the passing customer. ‘Hey, watch it,' he shouted. He looked again at Kate. ‘
Je pense
…' He stopped.
‘Je n'oublie pas,'
he said, slipping back into French.

What was it with this guy and French? Kate wondered. ‘I haven't forgotten you either,' she admitted, but as a throwaway line.

‘Right. We discussed existential issues. I always like to combine Sartre and weddings,' he added, and Kate couldn't resist smiling though she tried. This guy was impossibly self-assured. How could she entice him to date Bina? ‘So what are you doing on this side of the river?' Billy asked.

‘Having a drink with my friends in that corner,' Kate said, pointing to their table. Just then the big-bellied bartender tapped Billy on the shoulder from behind.

‘Yo, Bill,' he said. ‘Forget the conquest. I can't carry the bar by myself.'

Kate blushed against her will, angry at the thought of being considered ‘a conquest'. As if. ‘See ya,' she said. And forced herself to give him an enticing smile.

Kate returned to their table and hoped the hook had worked. Sure enough, just moments after their glasses were empty and Barbie had refreshed Bina's lip gloss, Billy appeared at their table, a pitcher of beer in each hand. ‘Welcome,' he said
and put the pitchers down. He smiled at Kate. ‘So, you weren't lying about your posse at the wedding.'

All eyes at the table focused on Kate. She hadn't mentioned their little
pas de deux
on the terrace to anyone. Now, she regretted that. Across the table, Kate saw Bev dig an elbow into Bina's side.

‘Hey, Billy,' Bunny said, ‘business looks real good.'

‘You gotta pretty full crowd,' Bev said approvingly. ‘And dancing.'

‘Yeah,' Billy said and then looked back at Kate. ‘We do a little “Hokey Pokey”.'

‘Don't you get a night off?' Bev asked.

‘Usually Saturdays. But one of my guys called in sick. Lucky I was here and got to see all you beauties,' Billy said.

Above the general noise, the middle-aged bartender bellowed, ‘Yo, Billy! This ain't a one-man band. Where's Joey?'

Billy didn't turn around. Bunny, clearly desperate, grabbed his hand. ‘This is my friend Bina,' she said. ‘You two ought to get together.'

Billy looked at Bina blankly for a moment. ‘Yeah. Nice to meet you.' He turned back to Kate who felt desperate herself.

‘How about bowling with Bina and me next Wednesday?' she asked.

He blinked, then smiled. ‘I wouldn't have guessed you for the bowling type,' he said.

Barbie, always prepared, pushed Bina's phone
number scribbled on a piece of paper into Billy's hand. ‘Here,' she said. ‘Give Bina a call to set it up.' There was another yell from the bar and this time Billy turned.

‘Coming,' he said and gave the group another dazzling smile before he disappeared into the crowd.

‘My God,' Brice said. ‘He's gorgeous. Can I come too?'

Elliot gave Brice a look, then turned back to Kate and gave her a more searching one. Before he could say anything Bev began to high-five everyone at the table. Next, Kate thought, they'd do The Wave. ‘Nice work,' Barbie said, slapping Kate's palm.

‘Good save,' Bunny agreed.