Undercover Alice (15 page)

I couldn’t keep Jen down for long, however, and she
turned up at my house that evening with a bottle of wine and a large bag of
marshmallows.

‘I have good news,’ she announced, setting the wine
down on the table.

‘Oh?’ I said, glumly. I wasn’t sure such a thing
existed any more. The world seemed grey.

‘I might have found you a job,’ she said, beaming.
She was obviously expecting a slightly more enthusiastic response, and she
rolled her eyes at me when I couldn’t even muster a watery smile.

‘Oh?’ I said, feigning interest. I didn’t feel like
I ever wanted to leave my house, or change out of my pyjamas, again.

‘It’s a great opportunity,’ she said, popping a marshmallow
in her mouth. ‘It’s with an online magazine; they’re pretty up-and-coming but
they’re looking for someone to write features and of course I bigged you up.’

That did sound interesting, I had to admit.

‘I’ll never get a reference from Barry,’ I said and
Jen perked up, obviously sensing she’d piqued my interest.

‘Oh yes you will,’ she said, mischievously.

‘Jen? What have you done?’

‘I just gave him a little call and suggested that if
he didn’t want his wife to find out about that tart I caught him with at least
year’s press ball, he’d write you a glowing reference saying the sun shines out
of your arse.’

I laughed, despite myself.

‘You didn’t?!’

‘I certainly did,’ Jen said, proudly. ‘He sent it
over within the hour. I forwarded it on to the magazine people and they said
you sound great, they want you to come in for a chat.’

‘When?’ I asked.

‘Tomorrow,’ Jen said, beaming.

‘Tomorrow? I can’t…’ I trailed off.

‘Why? Have you and your pyjamas made plans?’ Jen
asked, sticking her tongue out at me.

I sighed, resignedly.

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘But I’m not wearing a bloody
skirt.’

***

I pushed my trolley through the aisles, looking for
something that looked appealing and didn’t require too much effort. Before Jen
had left, she had insisted that I get dressed and take myself to the
supermarket after she had rummaged disgustedly through my empty shelves.

I turned into the milk aisle and froze. I’d
recognise that tall figure and perfume ad suit anywhere. It was Matt. I stood,
my mind racing. Should I go and say hello? While I was deliberating, he took a
bottle of milk off the shelf and put it in his basket. Then he turned and saw
me.

We stared at each other. My stomach lurched. I
started to raise my hand to wave – I didn’t know what else to do – and he
turned round and walked away.

I felt like I’d been slapped. I dropped my basket on
the floor and fled the store, tears pouring from my eyes.

***

‘He didn’t even acknowledge me,’ I wailed down the
phone to Jen.

She made a tutting noise of sympathy.

‘It was like I didn’t exist.’

‘He’s just hurt, Alice. Maybe he just needs time.’

I shook my head.

‘You weren’t there, Jen. I’ve never seen him look so
cold. It was like he didn’t know me. God, how could I have messed this up so
badly?’

Jen sighed. ‘This is life, chick. It sucks sometimes
and people disappear from it; sometimes people we don’t want to. I don’t know
what else to tell you, except you’ll feel shit for a while but it
will
get better. Just don’t ask me when.’

‘I’m ready to feel better now,’ I said, miserably.

After we hung up, I crawled into my pyjamas. I’d
lost my appetite entirely, so I curled up on the sofa with a cup of hot
chocolate and watched ridiculous television to make myself feel better. It
didn’t really work. I thought about the nights Matt and I had spent together.
We hadn’t even watched television, taking far more delight in each other’s
company. I wondered what he was doing now. Had he felt anything when he saw me?
Was he reading
Pride and Prejudice
alone?

When I could stand the hurt no longer, I clambered
into bed, but it was a long time before I fell asleep.

***

The interview was surprisingly good. The magazine
was young and trendy, and so were many of the staff. The young woman
interviewing me had purple streaks in her hair and introduced herself as Diana,
the online editor.

‘We’re a bit of an odd mix,’ she said. ‘We’ve got
some older, more experienced journalists, some of whom are still a bit
sceptical about the whole online thing. And then we have the younger
journalists, who are so keen but lacking a bit of world experience. Everyone
gets on well together, though; it’s a really nice environment.

‘That sounds nice,’ I said, thinking of Matt and how
hard he’d worked to make his own company welcoming and a nice place to work.

‘I guess what I’m ideally looking for,’ Diana said,
looking at me shrewdly, ‘is for someone who can just hit the ground running. We
need to get really good content on there as soon as possible, some really big
and interesting stories.

‘Well…’ I said, ‘I had been working on something
about the city bypass. There’s been some row over cash, apparently, and they
might end up short in the budget.’

Diana nodded enthusiastically.

‘That sounds great,’ she said. ‘The bypass is a
really big issue here, and everyone loves it when the council bodge a job.’

I knew when I left the interview that I’d got the
job. Diana had pretty much told me on the spot. I was looking forward to being
able to write again, and being able to write about things I wanted to. But, it
wasn’t enough to drown the disappointment that I hadn’t heard from Matt. In my
heart of hearts, I didn’t expect to; but I still was living in hope. I couldn’t
imagine how hurt he was, though, and I felt so miserable when I thought of it.
I remembered that night in the hotel, where he’d taken me into his confidence.
He’d trusted me, more than he’d trusted anyone in a long time, I knew, and he
must have thought I’d thrown it back in his face. I had toyed with sending him
an e-mail, but I knew he’d just delete it when my name popped up.

As I suspected, my phone rang just as I was going
through the door; it was Diana phoning me to offer me the job and discuss a
start date and terms.

When I hung up, we had arranged that I would start
in just a couple of days’ time. It would provide a distraction I sorely needed,
and I jumped at the chance; although the idea of sitting around in my pyjamas
was incredibly tempting.

I texted Jen to let her know and she just replied
with, ‘Wooooooooooop!’

***

Diana met me on my first day, and whisked me through
all the various departments, introducing me to all the staff. Everyone seemed
friendly and the office was smart and modern. I had my own desk (not my own
office, of course) and sat with the other features writers: Drew, who
introduced himself as the token gay man of the office, Linda, an older woman
who smiled at me kindly, and Helena, a statuesque blonde woman from Sweden, who
turned out to be one of the funniest women I had ever met.

I threw myself into work, chasing down my city
bypass story with dogged determination and, when I finally cajoled the head of
the council into admitting that the budget could be left short, Diana was
delighted. The story was posted as the lead story on the site, and she
excitedly told us all at the weekly briefing that it was our most successful
yet.

I quickly discovered that losing Matt hurt less if I
kept myself too busy to dwell on it. At the end of the week, Diana took me into
her office for a debrief.

‘You’re doing really well,’ she said, smiling at me.
‘But I’m worried you’re working too hard.’

I shook my head. ‘I love it here,’ I said.

Diana was perceptive: you don’t get to do her job
without being able to read between the lines.

‘There’s something else, isn’t there?’ she said. Her
voice was so kind that I was horrified to find myself in tears. She crossed
round the desk quickly and hugged me.

‘Oh I’m so sorry,’ she said. ‘I shouldn’t be nosey.’

‘It’s ok,’ I said, sniffling. ‘I just…I’ve really
hurt someone I care about.’

‘A boy?’ she asked, sympathetically.

‘THE boy. I loved him. I love him.’ I wrung my
hands. ‘But I treated him awfully and I can’t even explain to him how I feel.
He couldn’t even look at me when he found out.’

Diana patted me on the shoulder.

‘Is there no hope?’

I shook my head. ‘Let’s just say that if I was him,
I’d never want to speak to me again either.’

Diana didn’t probe any further, thankfully, and she
switched the subject back to work. I pulled myself together and pitched some
ideas I had had for stories, which she loved.

‘Now please don’t stay late,’ she told me. ‘Go
home.’

Reluctantly I did as she asked, and headed home at
around 6ish.

The cupboards were still bare after my hastily
aborted shopping excursion – I’d been surviving mainly on snacks from the
vending machines at work – and I called for Chinese takeaway.

I settled on to the sofa and started reading a
magazine, but was surprised to hear a knock on the door. That was quick, I
thought. I’d only ordered 15 minutes ago.

I opened the door and, to my shock and amazement,
Annie was standing on my doorstep.

I looked at her, my mouth agape. What the hell was
Annie Westwall doing outside my house?

‘Well?’ she said, tapping her foot impatiently. ‘Are
you going to let me in?’

Wordlessly, I stood back and let her enter. My mind
was spinning. Was she here to tell me how awful I was? I didn’t think I could
cope with that. I was telling myself that every day anyway, I didn’t need
someone else to join my sad little party.

She turned to face me, looking stern.

‘I suppose you know why I’m here.’

I found my voice.

‘I don’t, actually,’ I said. ‘But if you’re here to
tell me what an awful person I am, and how badly I’ve treated your son, then I
don’t need to be told. I feel terrible.’

Tears welled up in my eyes.

Annie softened a bit, but she still looked angry.
And rightly so, I thought. Matt was the only thing in her life now that Leila
and Bertie were gone, no wonder she was protective of him.

‘How could you have done that to him?’ she asked,
taking a seat on the sofa. ‘I saw the two of you together when you were over in
Spain. I could tell there was something going on, and I was glad. Matt hasn’t
had a girlfriend since before Leila…’ She paused.

‘I know what happened to Leila, and I know what
happened to Matt.’ I said.

Annie looked surprised.

‘He told you? Everything?’ I nodded and she sat
thoughtfully for a moment. ‘What happened with Leila broke him, Alice. It broke
Bertie, but it broke Matt too, even though he won’t admit it. I used to go to
see him every week in that place. Have you any idea what it’s like to visit
your son in prison, with your daughter murdered and a husband who refuses to
accept what’s happened?’

I shook my head.

‘It was hell, Alice. Utter hell. He was so
miserable, I began to worry that he’d do something stupid in that place. And
when I got the phone call to say he’d been stabbed, I thought that was it. I
thought the call was to tell me my son was dead.’

Her voice wavered and then strengthened again. She
was a strong woman, Annie.

‘He got released and he was wishing his life away.
Drinking, no ambition, no zest for life. I was glad he was out of prison, but I
still wondered if I might lose him.’

I couldn’t imagine how awful it had been for her to
see her son and only child throwing his life away.

‘I had to do something. I couldn’t see my family
completely destroyed. So I got on a plane and turned up at his door, just like
I did with you tonight. He stunk of alcohol when he opened up. He was filthy,
and his house was a pigsty. I marched right in there, and threw him in the shower.
I threw away all the bottles of booze and the empty food wrappers and, when he
came out of the shower, I sat him down on the sofa. I told him I wouldn’t let
him throw his life away; that losing Leila was enough for any mother to bear
and I couldn’t stand back and watch him do that same. That Leila would be
horrified to see her big brother like this.’

She spread her hands on her lap and looked down at
them.

‘Something I said got through to him. He started to
clean his act up, and when he showed us his business plan for his own company,
Bertie insisted we give him most of our savings to help him start up. I was
glad to, to see him so happy and back to his old self again. But something was
missing. And then Bertie died, and I didn’t know how to go on. But then, you
arrived, and I saw you with Matt, and I knew there was something there. And I
felt hope, hope that he had found someone he could trust, someone he could be
with.’

I hung my head, ashamed.

‘He called me the other week. I could tell right
away something was wrong. He calls me a few times a week, and the last few
calls had been all about you. He was planning on taking you on holiday, you
know, back out to Spain. We had planned stuff for you. We were both so excited.’

I felt the tears well up again. This was even worse
than I’d feared.

‘He was distraught, and said he’d been a fool. When
he told me what had happened, I was furious, Alice. Totally furious. I booked a
flight out here straight away, and I phoned the newspaper you were working at
and got your address from someone called Harry. I just had to come and see you,
to hear what you had to say about it.’

She looked at me, clearly waiting for an
explanation.

I shook my head. What was I supposed to say? I had
behaved appallingly and hurt Matt and his mother. There was no excuse.

‘I don’t even have an explanation,’ I said,
miserably. ‘My editor called me in and said he’d heard from a friend of his in
Spain that the boss of this big new IT firm had been in prison for something.
He said an exposé would make our sales soar, and I might even win a journalism
award. I’ve always been passionate about journalism, I’ve wanted to write ever
since I was a little girl and it seemed like a great opportunity. I assumed
that because he’d been in prison, he wouldn’t be that good a person. I was
wrong.’

I wiped away the tears that were trickling down my
face.

‘He’s the best person I’ve ever met, Annie. He made
me feel so alive, and I was never going to write that article. I told my editor
I hadn’t found anything out, even after Matt had told me about Leila and what
he did to Miguel. Please believe me, I never would have written that story.’

I was crying properly now, fat tears rolling down my
cheeks.

Annie sat, stoically, but I felt she had softened
towards me a bit and even felt a bit of sympathy for my obvious distress.

‘Why didn’t you tell him?’

‘I should have, I know. But I didn’t know how, and
he had trusted me with his secret. How could I throw it back in his face? And
it was going so well, I dared to hope we might have a future. Oh god, I love
him, Annie. I love him and I messed it all up. He hates me.’

I buried my face in my hands and wept. I was
surprised to feel Annie place an arm round my shoulder.

‘You’re a silly girl,’ she scolded, gently. ‘But he
doesn’t hate you. Quite the opposite, I’m sure. But he’s hurt and he doesn’t
know what to do.’

‘I don’t either,’ I wailed.

Annie sighed. ‘And of course, there’s the
unfortunate matter of the story.’

I jerked my head up. ‘I’m not going to write the
story,’ I said. I thought I’d said that a few minutes ago.

‘I know. But your editor called Matt the other day –
apparently one of his sources in Spain managed to dig up the dirt himself. The
story is running in tomorrow’s paper.’

I let out a fresh wail.

‘What are we going to do?’ I couldn’t believe Matt’s
dirty laundry was going to be aired in public. ‘I don’t work for the paper
anymore, I can’t stop it.’ I shook my head in despair.

Annie looked at me, thoughtfully.

‘Are you working somewhere else?’

‘Yes, for an online magazine.’

Annie had a shrewd expression on her face.

‘I wonder…’