Under Ground (3 page)

Walter and I always take the
upper-class train. The entire ride is spent in awkward silence, and
when we reach our destination, he walks me to school even though
it's located only seconds away from the station. Then he reminds me
that he’ll be picking me up from the platform at four p.m., as if I
would forget our daily habits.

My school is an old institution
located twenty miles from my house. It’s ranked as the best
establishment in the state, which is a good sign for me, I guess.
The property is a huge estate. Most of its students come from
different counties to be boarded here all year. My friend Melissa
is one of them. I, however, do not board here since I have the
“extreme privilege” of living nearby. Mother always reminds me how
lucky we are to have me go to the best school for girls in the
state without me having to leave home. I personally would have
enjoyed very much the autonomy that comes with boarding, but luck
did not strike me that way.

When I reach the gate, I give my
ID to the guard, walk through the schoolyard, climb the stairs
leading to the entrance of the main building, and find my friend
Melissa waiting for me there. Melissa is taller and prettier than
me. She has light freckled skin, crystal blue eyes, and long wavy
blond hair. I haven’t opened my mouth yet, but she’s already
shooting questions at me. Her smile radiates happiness, the burden
of this life never weighing on her shoulders the way it does
mine.

"When are you picking up your
dress?" she asks.

"Next week," I reply, slightly
apathetic.

"I am
so
excited for you."
She claps her hands and jumps for joy as if marriage were the best
thing a girl could ever wish for.

I try my best not to sigh at her
enthusiasm. After all, she’s only trying to help me focus on the
positive aspects of the alliance. She knows that this coming
weekend is the official meeting with William's family and that I've
been stressing out about it.

Melissa and I walk to our lockers
as I recount my visit to the store. We grab our books and head to
class. We always start with cultural studies, a course focusing
mostly on the history of matrimony—a subject meant to remind us
that our system is the best there can possibly be and that girls
should rejoice at their fate, their lack of freedom, and the
opportunity to be chosen by a man at all.

“Guess what?” Melissa startles me.
She's fidgeting as if she’s about to reveal some big secret that
might change the world.

“What?” I reply with feigned
enthusiasm.

She doesn’t catch on to my sarcasm
though; she just giggles. “I received my engagement ring on
Saturday.”

Melissa is lucky enough to have
been promised to a boy she knows well, someone her age. He’s the
son of her parents’ best friends. For some reason, they didn’t try
to match her to a higher position. They simply looked for someone
who was familiar. Melissa is carefree because she knows her match
is assured. She knows her mate will not back down or turn her
away.

"We also set a date for our
prenuptial night," she continues.

My stomach flips when she mentions
the dreadful topic. The pre-nuptial night is something I never want
to discuss, but Melissa always forces the subject upon
me.

"In a month from now," she
continues. "How about you? Will you set the date when you meet
William?"

I squirm.
Can we please stop
talking about this?

"I don't think we'll be discussing
that yet," I reply.

At least, I hope not!

"I really can't wait," she
adds.

Well, that makes one of us. I
could wait forever and never be ready for it, but I keep my snide
remarks to myself, not wanting to spoil her good mood.

Chapter 3

No one ever
cared to stop
and wonder
if William
might be to
my
taste. Not once! No one gives credit to a
silly girl’s feelings. I know nothing about William. I may end up
never loving him. Love is a taboo, a mere fantasy, a concept too
vague to ever take shape in reality. Only the luckiest girls may
get a glimpse of it—girls like Melissa.

Today, I am to meet William and
his parents. I'm relieved that the meeting is finally happening,
but the tension inside me has become unbearable. My anxiety has
risen to the point where I’m nothing but a nervous wreck.
What
if William turns me down?
I’m not that special. He could find
someone better than me quite easily. I’ve heard dreadful stories
about girls who’ve been rejected and what it means for their
families. Most of those girls end up homeless because their parents
disown them and kick them out once they’ve become useless. A chill
runs down my spine. I don't want to end up in the streets. I want
my existence to have a meaning. But the game that is my life has
already begun and the dice are definitely loaded.

For our meeting, we’ve invited
William’s family to dinner at our house. This is common practice.
It gives the groom's parents a chance to assess our assets and see
if we are a good match for their son or not. Mother has gone all
out with the preparations. All day long, the staff has been
cleaning the place. Each cushion, each sculpture, each painting had
to be dusted and placed in the perfect spot, to create a sense of
harmony and beauty. I’ve rarely seen my mother in such a state.
Every second threatens to bring on a nervous breakdown. Every word
coming out of her mouth is a snap, as harsh and cold as
ice.

My hair has been washed, dried,
and styled this morning. I now need make-up and my dress. I have to
be the epitome of perfection. I’m shaking from all the stress. I
need to calm down, but Mother keeps pacing around, walking in
circles, trying to catch the smallest details that may have escaped
her scrutiny. She’s driving me crazy. I want to shake her into
standing still, at least for a moment, so I can find my breath. But
this pandemonium lasts all day long.

Sounds of pans and dishes pour in
from the kitchen—the staff rushing around the house, whispering my
name. They are either trying to obey my mother's orders as
precisely as possible or avoid her as much as possible. No one
wants to be the object of her wrath.

At six o’clock, everything’s
ready. The table is set with the nicest china, crystal glasses, and
silver candelabras. Each cushion is in its place—or at least in a
spot satisfying enough for my difficult mother. Everything’s
perfect, and we still have a full hour to wait. This is going to be
the longest hour of my life.

My brother Lance asks if I'd like
to play card games, but he gives up on the idea when he sees the
look on my mother’s face. Her eyes pierce through his like daggers.
We are to sit on the sofa and wait so as not to disturb the air,
not move a thing.

Lance is twenty-five years old. He
got married four years ago to a girl named Marie. Mother invited
them both today to expose our family at its fullest for the Foxes
to evaluate. My brother inherited my mother’s good looks and my
father’s dirty brown hair. He's my mother’s favorite child, and she
has always treated him like he was the eighth wonder of this world.
No matter how spoiled he's always been, I've never seen Lance be
cruel to anyone, and especially not to his wife. I hope William
will be just as kind and understanding with me. I don’t dare trust
that he will, though. Keeping my expectations low will probably
save me a lot of disappointment.

By the time the doorbell rings,
everyone is quite on edge. I'm dizzy with chaos filling my brain
and thoughts spinning over and over again inside my mind:
How
should I behave in front of William? What would happen were I to
trip on my long dress? And who had chosen such a difficult gown to
walk in anyway?
Ah yes, I remember; it was Mother. Only
she
would choose such an uncomfortable dress for such an
emotional event.

The air has left my lungs, and my
heart is pounding hard, pumping blood all the way to my ears. I
have to hold onto the couch as I stand up, for fear I may fall
over. The corset of my dress is so tight that I’ll be lucky if I
don’t faint by the end of dinner. Mother thought of everything
really except how to keep her own daughter at ease on the most
significant night of her life.

We stand in the house's entrance
hall. Walter opens the door and William’s parents walk in. Their
eyes dart all around first; they couldn't care less that it seems
more than slightly rude. After all, they are here to judge whether
my family is a good enough match for theirs or not. They don’t even
acknowledge our presence. They just step in the doorway, take in
the room around them, and act as though we are mere statues
standing in their way.

“Good evening, Mr. and Mrs. Fox.
It’s quite a pleasure to meet you again,” my mother says, a bit too
eagerly.

Mrs. Fox finally seems to realize
that we are here. She glances at my mother with a stiff upper-lip
and a slight look of contempt in her eyes. This woman definitely
knows her family’s place in society. She seems proud and arrogant
about it, too. I try to catch a glimpse of William, but he’s hidden
by his wide-framed father. When Mr. Fox walks into the house, he
holds out his hand to my father. Somehow, both men are more relaxed
than their wives. This situation is but a mere case of tradition to
them, while to both women, this is a matter of pride and
prestige.

I stand on my tiptoes, hoping to
finally see William. My behavior is both rude and indecent. It's a
sign that I don’t know how to restrain my curiosity, a flaw one
does not wish to see in a wife. I should be more discreet about it,
but I can’t help myself.

When William’s father finally
moves to the side, he turns to the door, puts his hands on his
son's shoulders, and pushes him forward. William comes into view;
he is so handsome that I forget to breathe. He's even more
attractive than I remembered. He’s still tall—incredibly so—but
more mature, with blond locks falling in curls over his forehead
and green eyes scanning the room with intensity.

I don’t know what to do with
myself. I want to run and hide in a mouse-hole. For sure, William's
parents will turn me down as soon as they spot me. They must have
forgotten how plain I look compared to their gorgeous son. William
is the first one to put his eyes on me though. When I meet his
gaze, his grass green eyes are arctic cold. He looks me up and down
for just a second before his eyes shift to the house. He sizes it
up, with more interest than he gave me. I’m vexed that he doesn’t
consider me significant enough to look at any longer. But of
course, I don’t exist as a person. I’m just here as a formality.
I’m not pretty enough to trigger interest in anyone—not even in my
future husband. It must be quite a burden for him to marry someone
like me. I'm sure he knows what a good match he is. He probably
wonders why he should settle for someone so ordinary, and if that's
how he feels, the wedding could be called off at any time. I
shudder at the thought.

My parents lead the Foxes inside
the house, straight to the living room. I follow them, all the
while looking at William, who's avoiding my eyes.

His family sits down on the couch
and faces my parents while I simply stand there. I’m not allowed to
sit down right away. It's protocol for the family to see me
standing so they can size up my frame to see if I will be a good
child-bearer—as though one simple glance would suffice to tell
whether my genes are good enough to transmit to our potential
offspring.

I am nothing more than a racing
horse being thoroughly checked out before its purchase. Knowing
that my thighs are being evaluated for childbearing makes me
nauseous, and a drop of sweat rolls down my hairline.

William’s mother, especially,
looks me up and down, with spite and maybe cruelty in her eyes. The
corners of her lips are turned downward as if I have a foul
odor.

She's a gorgeous blonde. Her hair
is long, reaching her shoulders. She’s tall and thin. Time seems to
have passed her by miraculously. She has remained untouched by the
years. Looking at her gives me no indication of her age. She could
be in her early thirties as far as I can tell.

She stands up and comes to me. I
lower my eyes. Looking back at her would be disrespectful—a clear
sign of insubordination. I am to submit to the will of both my
husband and his parents, and I have to play the game from the very
beginning. I stare at my feet, but I can feel her eyes on me,
assessing my whole body, as she walks all around me.

She faces me, lifts my face to
hers, and looks me in the eyes while frowning. Then her gaze shifts
downward as she opens my mouth. I try to hold back a breath of
shock, but I can’t help gasping. I didn’t expect her to inspect me
like an animal, though I knew she would be examining me. She looks
at my teeth with scrutiny. Now, I know for sure that I’ve turned
into a horse somehow. I try to be serious though the situation
feels more and more grotesque. I don’t know if I should laugh or be
mortified.

She nods her approval, and a tiny
freezing-cold smile appears on her face. Then she goes back to the
couch and sits down. Her husband witnessed the whole scene, but he
didn’t care to participate. I exhale in relief. I’m not sure I
could have taken any more of this humiliation. My eyes shift toward
William, shyly. He has watched the whole thing too, but he didn’t
come to me either. He's just looking at me with a blank stare on
his face. I can’t read him at all, and it unsettles me.