Unbearable (the TORQUED trilogy Book 2) (19 page)

Tyler snorts out a laugh, his head shaking back and forth as he flops his arm over his face.

“We have absolutely no communication other than you calling when you need me or texting me that your wang misses his muff. What does that tell you about our relationship? Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? Maybe I can understand where you’re coming from. It’s not like we just met, I can tell there is something going on with you, aside from us. Let me in.” My eyes burn, and I keep blinking, hoping he won’t see the tears coming. The thought of him knowing how he truly feels is frightening.

Hearing the nervousness in my tone, he removes his arm, staring at me, his eyes consumed with emotion. There’s a scorching pain and anger just below the depths of his pupils but he gives me nothing verbally.

“I have to go,” I say, twisting to find my clothes on the floor. Tyler reaches for my hand and when I go to move, he stops me.

His hand closes on my upper arm, his gaze intent on mine. “Why does it have to be like this? You knew I couldn’t give you anything more than my friendship and sex. Why does it have to change now?”

“Tyler, I just don’t get it. Why can’t we have more?” My voice shakes with each word. Flinging my arm up, it breaks his hold on me. I want to punch something, maybe him at how selfish he’s being.

His jaw snaps closed and his eyes go wide with surprise question. Then he looks at the wall, the muscles in his jaw clenching. He doesn’t say anything, but it’s the answer I need.

“This is why I need to go.” I reach for my jeans on the floor, but he grabs my arm again.

“Damn it, why do you always do this?” His voice is louder than I’m expecting.

Digging out my cell phone in my bag near my jeans, I move to show Tyler the picture Rawley sent me of him and Berkley, a reminder of
why
I’m not good enough and should leave before this hurts my heart even more. I’ll admit, I’m a little self-conscious. What girl isn’t? Even if they tell you they’re not, I believe they are in some aspect of their life. Like it or not, because Tyler says he’s not in a position to love me, I’m constantly comparing myself to Berkley. Maybe I’m not the type he wants, Lord knows she and I are completely different.

“This is why….” And then I show him the picture.

“Are you with Berkley?”

A thickness forms in the air, one that has me wanting to take a deep breath for relief. “No,” I say under my breath, but I don’t know why. I don’t need to lie to her. There’s nothing and never will be anything between Berkley and me again. “Where did you get that?”

She stands, her bag on her shoulder now like she’s going to leave with those words. No fucking way. “Does it matter?”

Is she serious?

She is.

“Yes, it fucking matters.” Ripping the sheet away, I stand, her eyes roaming over my naked body. Bending over, I pull my shorts from the floor on. “Who took that?”

“Rawley.” Her voice is timid, as if she didn’t want to tell me, but did.

Anger rushes through my veins. My hands shake as I run them through my hair just before yanking my shirt over my head. “What is he, in high school again? What the fuck?”

“He’s only looking out for me,” Raven mumbles, turning to walk into the living room.

“Yeah, and he’s fucking my ex. He’s looking out for himself is what he’s doing,” I yell, following her.

She stops at the door, but doesn’t face me. I hate that she’s thinking of walking out after accusing me of this shit. “What were you doing talking to her then?”

“She keeps trying to talk to me says she wants to be friends and I told her I didn’t want to be her goddamn friend,” my words are rushed and damn near pleading despite my anger for the situation and fucking Rawley, “she showed up at the bar to ask again.”

She turns now, her eyes on the floor, refusing to meet mine. “What did you say?”

“I told her to fuck off. I don’t need any more friends.” I snort once the reality of this argument sinks in, simmering below the surface. “And you know, it kind of pisses me off that I’m having to explain this shit to you.” I fling my hand up in the air. “Do you honestly think I’d go back to her after everything she did to me?”

Her back meets the door, still no eye contact. “I don’t know. I barely know why you guys broke up. And you can’t give me more than sex. What am I supposed to think other than she still has your heart?”

“All you need to know is that we broke up. It doesn’t fucking matter anyway. It’s not like I’m getting back together with her. I’m done with her.” I take another step back hoping with the movement, she might look at me. “I’ve never given you a reason to think I would and just because Holden’s a cheating bastard doesn’t mean everyone is.” I hate mentioning Holden, I do, but I do it so she sees I’m nothing like him.

She doesn’t say anything. We both know I’ve avoided her real question, if only she knew. But I can’t open up to her. I can’t be who she needs me to be.

“This is what I was afraid of, Raven.” I take a step toward her, hoping she might let me touch her. “You’re overthinking it. Yeah, we’re not in a relationship by the definition
you
want, but when I’m with someone, I don’t fuck around.”

Raven sighs, shaking her head when my hand cups her cheek. She leans into it; she wants it there. “Tyler.” I can hear the dejection in her voice. “I don’t want to fight with you.” She smiles softly, but the action doesn’t touch her eyes. It’s more of a reflex, forced. “We used to have so much fun and I don’t know why that ended.”

“I’m sorry I overreacted.” Bringing her into my chest, I wrap my arms around her, my chin resting on her head. “I have a lot on my mind and when I’m with you, I’m able to relax. I just get mad when you question my intentions here and don’t give yourself enough credit. Whether you realize it or not, you’re one of the most important people in my life.”

She nods, her posture weakening.

I draw back, my hand under her chin. “Are you hungry?”

She nods again.

“Come on, I’ll make you something to eat.”

I FIX HER some eggs and toast that morning but there’s a nagging sensation clawing at my chest, I ask, “Are you mad I didn’t call? Is that what all this is about?”

She can’t look at me, her eyes are focused on her plate as she pushes the eggs around with her fork. Part of me doesn’t want her to look at me because I don’t want her seeing my guilt for not calling.

She shrugs.

Stepping around the counter, I turn her to face me on the stool. My left hand reaches to tuck a loose strand of her hair behind her ear.

Leaning in, her scent clouds my judgment. “I don’t know why I didn’t, Raven. It’s not that I didn’t want to, it’s just I’ve got some messed-up shit in my head. It’s not you though. It’s never anything you’ve done.” My answer is real and just as raw as the pain hitting my chest because she won’t look at me. I can sense she’s distancing herself, protecting her heart from me and I get it, I do, doesn’t mean I like it.

Raven doesn’t say anything and I know what’s happening. She’s shutting herself down emotionally because she thinks I’m going to break her heart.

In some ways, I’m glad she is. In others, it hurts to know I’m willingly doing it. It’s the last thing I ever intended to do.

I’m trying my hardest not to react. I know I need to just be friends with him and not hope for more. I know I should tell him what’s going on between us is bullshit. I should tell him I deserve better than what I’m getting from him but the truth is, he’s giving me exactly what he always has. It’s me who decided it’s not good enough all of a sudden. If someone is going to have to change, it’s me and I know deep down that’s just not going to happen.

I guess in some ways it’s easier to play ostrich and bury my head in the sand to avoid the inevitable because the alternative is not having him at all. I can’t take that.

Finishing my eggs, I ask, “How’s work been going?” I’m trying to change the subject and I think he appreciates it.

Tyler laughs, taking the pan of eggs and placing a spoonful onto his own plate. He then sits next to me at the kitchen island. “Well, since Red found out about us, I’ve pretty much been handed every shit job imaginable but I can’t say I wasn’t expecting it. I changed oil for an entire week.”

Setting my fork down, I wipe my mouth with the napkin beside my plate and then fix my fork because it’s a bit lopsided. “Sorry, he’s a bit possessive.”

“Oh, I know.” He nods, his eyes on my fork, finding entertainment in my obsession for order. “I saw him when Holden broke your heart.”

My brow furrows. “You did?”

“Yeah, we paid him a little visit over the summer.” Tyler grins, as though he had fun doing it.

“What? I never knew about that!” And then I feel bad because that’s how strong their relationship was. Tyler and Red did everything together before he found out about us. Had I destroyed that? “I’m sorry, I put a strain on your relationship with your best friend.”

He holds up his hand to shut me up. “Raven, I was there too, with you, in that bed when it started. If I thought it’d destroy my relationship with him, I would have stopped. But give him more credit than that. He may not
like
it, but it’s really not up to him, is it?”

“It’s not.”

But it’s not up to me either
.

I don’t say that and I know I’m a fucking idiot because despite everything he’s said, I know I should leave but instead, it makes me want to wrap my arms around him and give him whatever it is he’s willing to take from me.

Incredibly stupid on my part given my history.

“Well.” I stand. “I should get going.”

He sets his fork down and does the same. “You coming home this coming weekend?”

“I think so.”

He pulls me in for a hug, his arms wrapping around my waist and drawing me tight against his hard chest. “See you then?”

I try to control the rapid beat of my heart by pulling in a deep breath. “Okay.”