Trust Me (Finding my way) (10 page)

“You bitch,” she screeches.

I watch dazed as Sam makes his way towards me with a slight smile tugging at his lips.
“Oh, this is going to be interesting,” he says with a humourless laugh.

I don
’t really know what happens next and I can’t explain it. It’s as if a force has taken over me; he lunges towards me but I move out of the way making him bump into my mom, they stumble and land on the floor. I laugh and grab the first thing that’s within reach and heavy looking; I swing it and make contact with his side, making him grunt. I can feel the tears running down my face as I keep swinging the lamp. I’m vaguely aware of the bulb smashing and the lampshade crushing; I’m also aware that my mom is no longer on the floor next to him, but cowering by the sofa.

“
Brooke?” Phin’s worried voice breaks me out of my spell and I drop the lamp. Looking down at Sam who’s led on the floor in the fetal position; covered in glass and speckles of blood on his t-shirt from where I smashed the glass into his side. I shudder as a wave of sickness comes over me, and run back out to my car.

Not realising where I’m headed, just trying to concentrate on the road through my tears, I pull up at the graveyard gate. I crawl out of the car and stumble over to my dad’s grave.

As soon as I
’m in front of it, I collapse and years of abuse, neglect, and bullying overtake me.

Memories flash through my mind in a sort of twisted slide show; every slap, every kick, every punch, and every smile Sam ever sent my way.

It switches to Sophie and Matt, but I’m not in this one. I watch amazed as all their moments of affection flash before my eyes, every hug, touch, and kiss.

I curl over and watch as it switches again to me and Tucker; all the laughs, all the smiles, every joke, the nights on the sofa, the classes with the notes we send back and forth, the weekend away, him holding my hand in the car, him throwing me on his shoulders at the concert, then finally, him and Beth together; it ends with her slapping me at the bar and whispering my own secret nightmare back to me. I cry out a strangled scream and let the tears, pain and heartache overtake me.

I
’m woken by droplets hitting my face; I slowly pull my eyes open to see the sun is coming up. I’ve slept in a graveyard all night. I feel completely empty and drained both physically and emotionally.

Warily, not sure I have the strength, I struggle to my legs, actually surprised that they work; apart from being a little stiff, I seem to be fine.

Numbly, I drive back to the university and head to my room, ignoring the blatant stares I’m getting from the early risers around the car park and inside the building. As I walk past a window, I catch sight of my reflection and feel nothing. My hair has grass in it, I’m soaked through; my eyes are red and puffy from all the crying, my lip is swollen and there’s dried blood around it from where the cut must have started bleeding again at some point in the night, and I have dirt streaked across my face. My eyes look as empty as I feel. I lean towards the window to get a closer look; they no longer hold the shadows of my past, there isn’t an ounce of fear in them, no happiness and no determination or strength. If anything the only thing they hold is defeat.

Looking down, I notice my hands are covered in scrapes and cuts; there
’s dried blood on them as well.

As I make my way to my room, a few people greet me, a few others ask a question or two, and the ones who are bold enough, make a comment about how I must be just getting back from being with Todd. I ignore them all and as soon as I
’m in my empty room, I give up and crawl into bed.

The nightmares don
’t stop; I no longer fear them though, even in my sleep I seem to just go through them showing no emotion. They still have the power to wake me though. Looking around the room I notice it’s only a half hour until lunch. Standing up and stretching I make the decision to finish the rest of my classes for the day. Once I’m showered and dressed, I head out of the room and make a mental note to buy a new phone later.

As I walk into the café that I’ve already decided I’m not going to sit and eat in, a silence falls over the whole room. I look up and around to see almost everyone staring at me; Sophie turns and as soon as she catches my eye, she starts to stand up. I shake my head at her and make my way to the food line.

I hear my name being whispered a few times, but ignore it as I look over the food and pick out a sandwich. When I go to walk forward, everyone in the queue has stopped and is looking at me as if they
’re waiting for something.

I feel someone poke me in the side and turn to see Beth smiling at me.

“Well?” she demands.

I don
’t reply, just take the time to study her silently. She has dark brown eyes, and I can see the anger building up in them. She’s a little pale as if she hasn’t eaten enough; she’s taller than me by about four inches. Her hair is pulled back into a tight bun, and she’s wearing a pink summer dress. Vaguely, I realised I’ve gone back to wearing baggy clothes, as if unconsciously I’ve just decided to give up on everything.

“
Don’t ignore me,” she snaps at me, bringing me out of my fog.

I try to turn around and back to the line, but she grabs my arm. I slowly turn around and fully face her but not taking my eyes off the hand she has on my arm; I make no move to get out of her grip. I feel her lean in as she digs her nails into my arm.

“What’s the matter? It finally dawned on you how unwanted you are?” she whispers in my ear, smugly.

“
Actually, I was thinking about all the tetanus jabs I’m going to have to get now that you, the walking STD, has put her hands on me,” I whisper back in her ear.

This time I
’m expecting her slap. I knew it was going to happen; I did nothing to stop it or block it, however. I just accepted it. I think I was hoping that she could make me feel pain or some sort of emotion. She goes to slap me again or maybe punch me; now she knows a slap won’t get a reaction, but her hand is pulled behind her. We both look back at the same time to see a guy older than us, hold her back.

I frown at him and he watches me in confusion.

“Want me to get her out of here?” he asks me.

I shake my head at him still frowning, not sure why anyone would do that and stand up for me. He does anyway and ignoring the silence and stares again, I move forward and pay for my food.

A few people call out to me as I walk across the room to the table Sophie is sitting at with Matt, Tucker, and Luke. I continue to ignore them all and stop next to Sophie’s chair.

“
Are you staying?” she asks, pulling out a chair for me.

I shake my head at her.
“I just wanted to say sorry for snapping at you like that last night. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you,” I say softly to her; my voice sounds strange even to my own ears. I guess through all the crying last night, I finally lost my voice.

“
Don’t worry about it, I was worried about you,” she admits.

I reach up to rub my forehead and stop when I hear a collective gasp; she stands up and takes my hands in her own examining them.

“What happened to your hands?” she asks, softy searching my eyes for some sort of explanation.

“
They fell into the door to my past,” I whisper, staring at the cuts on my knuckles.

“
Brooke, where did you stay last night?” Matt asks softly tucking a stray bit of hair behind my ears.

From the gesture, I
’m transported back to my early years, remembering how my dad used to tuck my hair behind my ears after he dried it when I got out of the bath. I feel the tear running down my cheek as he lifts his hand to do it to the other side and close my eyes. When I open them Sophie is watching me, waiting for an answer.

“
With the only person who has ever really loved me,” I reply sadly.

Sophie pulls me into a hug and brushes the tears from my cheeks. 

“You didn’t go to see Tucker or Beth last night, did you?” she whispers in my ear loud enough for only me to hear. I shake my head at her.

She lets me go and takes her seat at the table again.
“You didn’t do anything stupid did you?” she asks me, while glaring at Tucker.

“
Probably,” I nod my head at her. “Too late to change that now, though,” I admit with a small smile. “It was worth it anyway,” I wink at her for making me smile again, even if she has no idea why I’m smiling.

“
I’ve just heard the worst rumour yet. That you did the walk of shame this morning, soaking wet, covered in grass and dirt and bleeding,” Katie says happily rolling her eyes as she joins the table, oblivious to the silence that she walked in on.

“
That one’s true,” I admit; although it wasn’t quite a walk of shame.

“
Must have been one hell of a night,” she sighs at me, making me smirk.

“
You could say that,” agreeing more with the hell than she could ever understand.

A voice behind me catches my attention and I turn to watch as Beth is telling a table of people about Todd and me kissing at the bar, then leaving together, and me not returning home till this morning.

I turn back to see Tucker watching me, his eyes full of remorse.

“
Seeing as though we had an eventful night last night, I’m guessing I should walk you to class,” Todd whispers in my ear; seemingly appearing out of thin air.

“
I guess you should,” I agree, tearing my eyes away from Tucker’s, turning to leave.

“
Oh! I don’t have a phone anymore as I guess you know, so I’ll be getting a new one as soon as my classes have finished for the day. Leave your number on the notice board in our room and I’ll send you my new one,” I tell Sophie as I walk away from all the stares and whispers.

Todd accompanies me to the rest of my classes and acts as a human wall between me and Tucker. As he walks me back to my dorm after shopping for a new phone, I finally gave in to all the gossip.

“So what did I miss; what did we get up to last night?” I ask reluctantly.

“
Well, some say we were all over each other at the bar and couldn’t wait till we got to a bed, so just had the taxi stop at the park on the way home and fell asleep in the grass,” he smirks. “And the rest think that we made it back to mine, but then you had some sort of breakdown and got drunk in the park,” he smiles sympathetically at that one.

“
Great,” I sigh defeated.

“
And now everyone’s talking about how you and Beth are fighting over Tucker.”

“
You’re not serious?” I ask a little too loudly, causing a few heads to turn. “Out of all the rumours, that one’s definitely the most farfetched.” He raises an eyebrow at me and I guess my reaction probably falls under the ‘does protest too much category’. But no one else knows what he told her apart from Sophie and Matt. “Trust me, we’re just friends,” I stress.

* * *

The next five days go by in a blur; I’m physically here but not mentally. I get through my days going from class to class, nodding in the right places and taking down the notes. Today is the first day I have sat down with the group and had lunch; normally, I just walk around campus in a daze. Beth has stayed away from me; in fact everyone has stayed away from me, just letting me get on with it. Every now and again, I catch Sophie watching me looking worried and Tucker watching me as if he’s struggling with something.

Every night I wait for Sophie to fall asleep and then sneak out of the room, go to my dad
’s grave and cry myself to sleep there. I haven’t heard from anyone back home, but then I don’t expect to; I know when
he
wants to see me he will. To be honest, I am really worried about what he will do to me when he eventually comes to see me. I know it is going to be a lot worse than anything he has ever done before. I’m going to have to be strong to pull through because I know he might just try to kill me. I can’t. No, I won’t let him. I have to be strong enough to fight through it.

“
Damn it, Brooke!” I focus my eyes and frown at Matt who is shouting at me. Everyone is watching me and Matt leans over and takes the fork out of my hand. I look down and see blood trickling onto wrist. I had been digging the fork into my palm. I didn’t feel a thing.

“
Umm…sorry,” I mutter more to myself than anyone else.

“
What were you thinking about to get you so angry?” Sophie asks me, throwing a pointed look at Tucker who pales slightly.

I
’m too focused on the fact that I just cut myself with a fork and didn’t feel a thing; how can I hurt so badly and not feel it? I need to be able to feel it to know when I can’t take anymore; otherwise what use will it be?

“
I hurt him,” I say to no one.

“
You hurt who honey?” Sophie asks softly.

“
I hit him…and I couldn’t stop.”

“
Who?” Sophie asks, sounding a little worried

I turn to look at her.
“I made him bleed,” I whisper horrified.

“
You went back there?” The look she sends me tells me she thinks I’m beyond stupid.

“
He was bleeding and I couldn’t stop, I was so mad.”

“
It’s okay, try not to think about it,” she assures me, wrapping a protective arm around my shoulder.

* * *

As I pull on my jacket and pick up my keys, a feeling of dread comes over me. It’s not bad enough to stop me going though; I always get a feeling like this when I sneak out at night, but tonight it seems to be a bit stronger.

“
Brooke?” Sophie’s quiet voice calls out to me.

“
I’m just going for a walk Soph. I won’t be long, go back to sleep,” I say softly to her.

“
I know you go out every night; can’t you just tell me where you go so I know you’re safe?” she asks, breaking my heart a little. I shake my head and walk out the door. I don’t want anyone to know where I spend my nights; they won’t understand and will try to stop me from doing it.

My thoughts briefly drift to Sophie and what a good friend she has been to me since we first met as I make my way through the graveyard. I
’m stopped dead on my feet by a figure bent over my dad’s grave. I frown and squint my eyes trying to see who it is; it’s a man, he’s tall and he hasn’t heard me coming or if he has, he is just ignoring me. Something in his hand catches the light; and I feel the blood drain from my face as I watch him swing the hammer in his hand above his head then bring it down quickly, hitting the headstone. Instinct takes over and I’m running.

“
Noooooo!” I scream so loud my chest hurts.

The man swings around startled and I watch as my step dad throws his head back and laughs at me. I don
’t stop running towards him; not taking my eyes off the headstone to see how much damage has been done. So when I reach him and he puts out an arm in front of me, I’m not expecting it and I fall straight to the ground with a crash, knocking the air out of me.

I try to get back up, but he sits on top of me straddling my stomach. I watch amazed at how calm I am when he raises a fist and it crashes into my face.  Blood flows from my nose and I scream out. I try to struggle against him, but he
’s too strong. I swing my arms about at an attempt to hit him, but he grabs them and pins them above my head using his own.

“
I’m going to enjoy watching you struggle. And I’m going to take you on top of you’re fathers grave so he can see what a whore you really are,” he laughs down at me. He grabs my breast through my top and squeezes it hard making me whimper. He shoves his mouth onto mine and I turn my face to the side so he gets my cheek. He bites me and lifts his head up.

“
Look at me,” he shouts down at me. I turn my face to look him in the eye. I don’t know why I do it but I spit at him, it goes in his eye making him swear and close his eye. Just as his head reaches down I hit it with my own, wincing at the pain that flashes above my eyes.

He stumbles back off me and I struggle to stand, but he
’s quicker than me and kicks me back down. The kicks keep coming and I try my best to block them, but my body starts getting tired. When another kick doesn’t immediately follow, I look up to see he’s picked up his hammer. He can see me watching him horrified and laughs again. I close my eyes and wait for the blow; the one I know will end it all.

It doesn
’t come; instead I hear a loud grunt. I gingerly open my eyes to see Tucker on top of Sam, throwing punches and from what I can make out, not missing one.

“
Stop!” I shout, not knowing how far Tucker will go. He stops and seems to be trying to catch his breath. I shake my head at him wiping away the tears from my face, but they don’t stop falling.

“
He’s not worth it … stop.”