Trouble (13 page)

Gran nods again and pours the milk in the cups then adds the tea. “You don’t take sugar.” More a statement than a question, but Mum still waves it away.

“Ivy, I don’t know where to start…” Mum stalls, revs up and tries again. “You should have come to me right away.”

“Paula, dear, you know I shouldn’t.”

Mum has no reply to this. I’m not surprised. I don’t either.

“Hannah’s the one who’s to make these decisions, not me.” She flickers a piercing gaze up at Mum. “Not you.”

“She’s only
fifteen
! What were you thinking? She needs help and support for a decision like this. This is something that changes not just her life, but the lives of everyone around her.”

I feel like asking Mum not to talk about me as if I’m not here, but perhaps it’s better this way.

“Hannah didn’t make this decision lightly, did you, love?”

I shake my head and stare at the floor.

“I can’t believe I’m hearing this. Do you know how irresponsible it was to let her do this?”

“Do what, exactly?” Gran’s voice is sharp and it stops Mum short. They look at each other and I glance from one familiar face to the other, looking for something that seems obvious to everyone but me.

“You know what,” Mum mutters.

I’m confused. “Er, Mum?” I say. “
I
don’t…?”

Mum turns to me as if she really had forgotten I was there and the look she gives me isn’t one she’s practised a thousand times on a thousand troubled teenagers. It’s a look that seems to come from the saddest part of her soul.

“Hannah. I don’t think you should have decided to keep it.”

There’s a stillness in the room. Of course, I know that this is what she thinks. I’ve known it all along. But I never thought she’d
say
it. Not now. Not once I’d decided.

I stare hard at the floor, forcing back the tears that loom. A hand rests on mine and I turn my palm up to close my fingers around Gran’s. I hear a creak of a chair, feel the mattress bounce as Mum sits next to me and tries to put a comforting arm around me. The arm is there, but it brings no comfort.

“I’m sorry, Hannah,” she whispers. “I will never say this again. But please, are you sure this is what you want? Are you sure you want to keep the baby?”

I feel Gran’s hand in mine, feel a little squeeze of the fingers. She has never asked me this, never doubted that I know my own mind. She knows me so much better than my own mother does.

Then I nod, just once, before finding out what it feels like to have my mother sob on me instead of Robert.

SUNDAY 27
^TH
DECEMBER

HANNAH

When Dad rings off after I call to thank him for my Christmas cheque, the handset informs me our conversation lasted three minutes and twenty-three seconds. Mum, who is standing over me, shakes her head.

“Let me guess, he’s working?”

I nod and she lets out an angry huff.

“Is he coming over soon?”

I nod again. He’s got a meeting with some producers later this month. Or early next month. I know how it is when pitching a script to the bigger players. Which I don’t. I’m fifteen. I know about handing in your homework on time and worrying about your bra size. But Dad doesn’t know how it is with me.

“Tell him when you see him. It’ll be easier face-to-face and another few weeks won’t make a difference.”

I try not to notice the little dig she got in there.

FRIDAY 1
^ST
JANUARY
NEW YEAR’S DAY

AARON

“I got you something,” I say to Neville as we sit down, the harsh winter light glinting on the frosted lawns outside the dining-room window. Hannah and her gran are out there walking arm in arm, careful steps across the salted paving.

I put a book on the table. It’s tied with brown string around the cover and there’s a piece of paper tucked under the string that says,
Time to learn some new tricks
,
old
dog
MAN
.

Neville pulls the string off, grunts at the note then looks at the cover of the book.

Chambers Card Games

He looks at the note again and laughs.

HANNAH

We sat with Aaron and Neville at lunch. It was nice. Things at home are worse than awful – Mum can barely look at me, Lola’s throwing proper epic tantrums that even I can’t charm her out of and Robert’s fuming. Jay should have come home after his ski trip, but his mum dropped him at Imogen’s instead. Robert blew up at Jay about it and now they’re not speaking. The pair of them are so stubborn I’ll be surprised if we see Jay before
next
Christmas. Robert hasn’t told him what’s going on with me. I guess he wanted to do it in person and that’s why he went postal over the Imogen thing. Yet another problem I’ve caused.

Visiting Gran was a break from all that, or it was until Aaron asked me what I did for New Year.

“Did you have fun with Katie and the others when you went out last night?”

I told him I stayed at home with Lola, which is true. When I last called Katie she said she’d let me know if anything exciting came up, which totally opened it out for a joke about her and Rex. After end of term at the park they went back to hers, but she’d just started her period so nothing happened. On the plus side, it finally pushed Rex into manning up and actually asking her out. Katie’s enjoyed making me eat my words – going on about dates at the cinema and dinner at Nando’s. I’m pleased for her. Really. And it makes a nice change from hearing her boast how fast her Katie Coleman Special works, not that she’s had much chance to try it out with her brothers crowding out her house and Rex’s parents being more than a bit weird about him having girls over. Ten weeks. That’s got to be a personal best for Katie – I’m surprised it hasn’t grown over.

When I didn’t hear from her I assumed she’d had the chance to celebrate New Year with a different kind of bang.

But Katie didn’t stay in with Rex. They went out, Aaron said.
With the others
.

So the question is, why didn’t Katie ask me along too?

AARON

I watch Neville slide his present onto his bookshelf amongst the history books I used to think were for show. When he limps over to the wardrobe I think about asking how his leg is – it looks stiffer than it did two weeks ago – but he’s riffling amongst his clothes, muttering to himself, then he’s grumbling at the hanger he’s trying to get hold of, until he finally pulls something out.

“Try this.”

“What is it?”

“What does it look like? It’s a leather jacket.” Neville shakes the garment at me. The dark leather is soft as I take it and look at it, running a thumb over the sleeve. I’ve always liked the smell of leather, there’s something warm and organic about it, appetizing for senses other than taste; for touch and smell. I pull it on and shrug my shoulders into it, reaching out to see where the cuffs fall on my wrists.

It’s a perfect fit.

Neville makes a “turn around” gesture and when I turn back to face him, he’s nodding. “Thought so.”

I don’t want to assume anything – it seems impudent to think Neville is going to let me borrow a jacket that makes me feel much cooler than I really am.

“Merry Christmas,” Neville says with a nod. “It’s yours if you like it.”

“What?” I look up from posing in the mirror. “Mine? I thought maybe you’d let me borrow it…”

“Nah. It’s a gift. I bought that jacket when I was your age. Wore it all the time, even after I settled down to be a lecturer and I was supposed to be dressing respectable. My wife liked me in it.”

Wife?
I look up sharply, but that’s not where this conversation is going.

“Neville…”

“It looks good on you, kid.” He gives me a wicked smile. “And, to be honest, you could do with a few fashion tips.”

HANNAH

On the way home I check every folder I’ve got in my phone, trying to convince myself that Aaron’s got it wrong, or that somehow I missed a message. Who am I kidding? It was New Year. My phone was on
all night
– there’s no way I missed anything.

The scrape of the handbrake nudges me out of my head and back to reality. It’s starting to snow and once I’m standing on the drive I stick out my tongue to see if I can catch a falling flake, promising myself a wish the way I did when I was little. Back then I wished for my parents to stop arguing, for a new bike with pink handlebars and white tyres, for a rabbit or a hamster or even a goldfish to care for.

These days I’m the one causing the arguments, I couldn’t ride a bike even if I had one and my sister’s the one with the rabbit.

“Hannah?” Mum’s standing by the front door. “Come on, it’s freezing.”

Robert’s in the sitting room with his laptop and Lola’s sprawled on the floor concentrating on copying a rabbit from her
How To Draw Animals
book. I mean, I say “rabbit” but, to be honest, what she’s drawing looks more like a donkey.

“Did you speak to him?” Mum asks, but Robert shakes his head. “For goodness’ sake, Robert, you’ve got to tell him sooner or later.”

“Don’t tell me what to do with my own son, Paula.”

For a second I think she’s going to say something, but Mum just turns and walks out. As she passes me in the doorway I can see she’s crying.

“Mum—”

“Don’t, Hannah. Just … don’t.”

My family is falling to pieces. It’ll take more than a snowflake wish to put it back together.

TUESDAY 5
^TH
JANUARY

AARON

Rex and Katie are official. This means that instead of reserving their lust for the privacy of their houses or the dark of the park on a Friday, they’re comfortable with multiple
very
public displays of affection. It’s against school rules, but anyone doing it out of view of the staffroom gets away with it.

“Gross.”

Someone verbalizes my thoughts. I turn to see Anj next to me, looking, yet trying not to, at Katie and Rex. She bites her lips together when she realizes I’ve caught her out.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to say it out loud.”

“You only said what we’re all thinking,” I say, as I notice someone standing in the doorway. It’s Hannah. She’s glancing at the happy couple over her shoulder as if there’s somewhere she’s meant to be. Presumably with Katie.

Anj asks if I’d like to sit with her in Maths.

“Can I do that?”

She shrugs. “New term, new desk buddies.”

“Choose wisely, Miss Ojo,” I say with a smile. “You may live to regret your decision.”

“No more than I regret the one I made at the start of last term.” She rolls her eyes. “Seriously. The girl I sit with at the moment keeps copying my answers,
without even hiding it
.”

“I promise you won’t know I’m copying.” As I grab my bag, I see Katie walking on ahead of us. She’s talking to Marcy and one of her friends – Nicole – and the three of them start laughing about something as they walk through the door. Right past Hannah.

HANNAH

I stay in the toilets. No one’ll notice I’m missing. I’ve skipped lessons before and only once have I got into proper trouble.

No one’ll notice.

Not even my best friend.

The way she looked at me…

Like I wasn’t even there.

Like I’m not the person who’s held her hair while she’s puked up in my bathroom. Like I’m not the person who lied to her parents when she was out all night with some guy she met at a club so that I got into trouble instead. Like I’m not the person who’s shared her secrets and my secrets until they became
our
secrets. Like I’m not the person who’s always there when she needs me.

I think about the fight we had on the phone at the weekend. The one where I found out that she’d gone out with Rex and his friends – and his friends’ girlfriends.

“You mean Marcy was there?”

Silence.

“You went out with Marcy without telling me?”

“Because I’d knew you’d be like this about it.”

“Only because she’s such a bitch!”

“Come on, Han. It’s not like you haven’t given her a reason…”

My turn to be silent. I couldn’t believe she’d said that. It doesn’t matter what excuse your worst enemy has to hate you, your best mate should
always
take your side. Shouldn’t she?

My mascara’s all over the place and I have to dab at my eyes with toilet paper to try and sort it out. I don’t want Katie to know I’ve been crying because she’ll know why. I don’t want to be the weak one. The bell goes for the end of first period and I hear a group come in. If I was in a movie this would be the point that I’d hear them bitching about me across the cubicles without realizing I was here. I hold my breath and listen, but my life isn’t a movie and they’re not talking about me. They’re talking about boys. As if they’d be talking about anything else.

Katie avoids me during morning break, arriving late for Citizenship stinking so strongly of smoke that I can still smell it, even once she’s shuffled to the far corner of the table. I try to catch her after, but I get picked on to collect the stupid textbooks and by the time I’m back at our form room, Katie’s gone. Determined to be strong, I refuse to ring her to find out where she’s gone and head to the canteen instead.

I hardly ever come here so I have no one to eat with. I think about chickening out, but I’m starving and at least the food is hot and cheap. I get a tray load of chicken, “chipped potatoes” and beans, then look for a seat.

There’s an empty table at the back that I practically sprint for. I slam my tray down at exactly the same time as some half-height kid in the year below.

“Hey! I got here first,” he says, annoyed at me as I sit down.

“And? There’s five other seats.” I sweep my fork around at them.

“Billy no mates, are you?” he sneers. “I’m here with FIVE friends, so we need your seat.”