TRI-SEXUAL (31 page)

I sat there and listened to him stating his case and pouring his heart out to her making me feel even worse. All I heard was “I won’t do it again. I promise I will get help just give me another chance. Don’t do this to me. I know it was wrong, but don’t leave me. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to save this marriage. It was a big mistake that will never happen again. Just let me prove it to you. I know I will have to suffer for this and that it will be consequences for my actions, but I don’t care as long as I have you in my life. I know I’m a complete idiot, sick, sadistic bastard whatever you want to call me. I can change baby as long as you don’t leave me. We can work it out and I know that our marriage is worth saving. We can make it work baby if you just agree to help me” he said.

After all of his begging and pleading she decided right then and there that she was going to take him back. I know she did it out of spite just because she didn’t want me to have him. She was being cruel just to fuck with me. Damn that bitch she held all the power of my future with him in her hands. Now I was thinking damn I should’ve said something when I saw her in the window at the restaurant now I just fucked myself. She looked at him and said “On one condition.” Her condition was that he could never talk to me again.

Without even looking back at me and contemplating on it for a few minutes he agreed. I couldn’t believe him. He was dead wrong for the way he was treating me. I guess at the time he felt as if he was making the right decision. She looked at me and said for me to find my own way back home. After he displayed himself as a weak spineless ass nigga there was nothing more I could say. He couldn’t even be man enough to look me in the eye. He just walked off with his head down low without so much as glancing in my direction.

Shit since I was currently stuck there with no ride home I stayed to clear my mind. When my vacation was over I took a cab back home. That was one high ass cab, but whatever money was no object for me. Getting and keeping my man was my only problem. When I got home I started feeling really sick. I started having morning sickness and my period was late. I know it could have only meant one thing. I was pregnant.

That bitch didn’t hesitate to spill the beans. Within a week she had called every family member she knew of and told them everything. They started calling me harassing me and I know they did the same to him or at least I assumed so. They were showing up at my door step left and right to curse me out. They told me how they didn’t want to have anything to do with me. All of my cousins, aunts, and uncles bombarded my house like the swat team. They decided they were going to gang up on me.

They were prepared to fight me like they were going to beat it out of me or something. Had I not told them that I was pregnant they probably would have fought me. The fact that I was pregnant made them more furious, but as mad as they got they couldn’t touch me. Neither of them wanted to go to jail for murder for killing my baby so they settled for verbal abuse. They even spit in my face like I was lower than dirt. I was every name in the book from freak to bitch to hoe to slut.

“We are not fucking Jerry Springer guests what the fuck is wrong with you? You act like you straight out of the trailer park or something. You weren’t raised in a damn trailer yet you acting like some fucking trailer trash tramp. All these men in the world that you can have and you want your own cousin” they said to me.

“Yeah that’s right I want him and I’m pregnant with his child and guess what else I’m keeping it. I almost forgot and you know what else fuck who don’t like it. Y’all stated y’all peace now please get the fuck out of my house. None of y’all don’t pay my bills, buy my clothes, or put food on my table and the last time I checked I was a grown ass woman. I do what the fuck I want to do. I don’t need any instructions or manual on how to live my life” I said.

“I don’t fucking need y’all I make my own money; I have my own home and my own car. I have a successful career now tell me what the fuck do I need y’all for? Get the fuck out. I’m not about to stand for y’all bashing me coming up in here disrespecting me up in my shit. I don’t give a flying fuck if y’all don’t want to talk to me anymore kiss my ass. Let me live my life the way I want to live it” I said.

I had a mouthful of shit to tell those motherfuckers. I can admit it did hurt a little bit that they disowned me and didn’t support my decision. Even my own parents didn’t even call to discuss it with me. I assumed they felt the same way as the rest of the family. Oh well I was willing to lose everything and everyone as long as I could have him. Call me crazy, but that’s just how I felt.

I tried contacting James when I got back, but I guess he meant what he said. He wasn’t answering any of my calls. He was avoiding me. He had totally erased me from his life. It was hurtful yeah, but I wasn’t about to give up on him. I knew he loved me. He was just the one to let the reality of it all get the best of him. I myself chose to live in the fantasy world. I didn’t care how long it was going to take. I was going to keep trying until I got through to him. It was truly fucked up.

He treated me so wrong, but I knew it was all a front. I knew he was just scared of what society would think of him. No matter how distant and mean he was being to me I knew he would come back. He always did. Still no words could explain how I felt. I knew deep down in my heart that it was killing him. No one knew him better than me. I called James because it was just too much on my heart I had to get off.

I left him a long drawn out message. “James I know that you are blaming me and holding me to responsible for the problems in your marriage. I know you are currently trying to work on your marriage that I supposedly single handedly destroyed, but you don’t have to treat me like this. I am not going to apologize for loving you. I fell in love with you when we were kids and I know you felt the same way. Since then my love for you has continued to grow stronger. I am pregnant James with your child and this time I’m keeping it. I just wanted to let you know. I’m not going to let anyone stand in the way of how I feel” I said.

“I know it’s not right. I know we’re related, but none of that can change the way I feel about you. It doesn’t matter to me. We are perfect for each other as we have always been. I don’t know why you continue to let people get in the way of true love. I don’t care what you do to me and how long it takes. I am willing to cross the ocean, climb Mt. Everest, go any distance and any depth for you. We can get through this together please call me back so we can talk” I said concluding my message.

One of my cousins Dave was the only one who wasn’t disgusted by my relationship with James. After I had been getting so much flak from everyone else in the family he showed up at my door. I opened up the door and immediately started lashing out at him. “What you want?” I yelled. “Nothing I just wanted to let you know that I’m here for you. I don’t feel any different about you” he replied. That made me feel good that at least one person didn’t think I was an alien. After the one person I thought would have my back turned his back on me. It was nice to have some support.

Dave, I believe was infatuated by the whole ordeal. He came out and gave me the scoop on all the family’s dirty little secrets. We had uncles fucking nieces, aunts fucking each other’s husbands and they had the nerve to be shining the light on me. They were a bunch of fucking hypocrites. I wasn’t the type to be kissing asses the only ass I kissed was James. If they didn’t want to fuck with me that was fine, but they didn’t have to worry about me spreading rumors and causing drama. It just wasn’t my style I had more important things on my mind. He and I were never really close, but we were cool. He was being very nice and understanding something I really needed at the time. He came in watched some T.V and had a few drinks.

He started visiting me more frequently checking up on me and making sure that everything was ok. He made sure I had everything I needed. He became the only person I had other than the baby growing inside of me. I had no intentions on fucking him, but the opportunity just so happened to present itself. I wasn’t even the slightest bit attracted to him. He was not my type at all for one, for two I didn’t like or love him, and three he was my cousin. I was just blinded by his kindness and naive.

I had fallen asleep on the couch watching T.V and he carried me to my bedroom. Instead of you know letting me sleep he decided he wanted to sample the goods. He knew very well that I was vulnerable and didn’t have anyone else so basically he used that to his advantage. He took that information and ran with it. He was good because he managed to get me all the way naked without waking me up. Once I woke up he was already on top me dick in hand and in position to put it in me. He slid himself inside of me and as I looked at him on top of me and I was so disgusted.

I pushed his ass off of me and on to the floor where he belonged. He had the audacity to get mad. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he asked. “What you mean what the fuck is wrong with me? the question is what the fuck is wrong with you? Who the fuck do you think you are coming up in here trying to take my pussy?” I asked. “Oh so you can fuck that nigga James, but you can’t fuck me though right” he said. “First of all I don’t have to give you a reason as to why I don’t want to fuck you. If you must have one. I’m carrying his child, I’m in love with him, and to be brutally honest I don’t even like you. So what you thought just because I’m fucking James I would fuck you too. Get the fuck out of my house” I said.

“James don’t want you he is not about to leave his wife for you. How about we just have a threesome then?” he said. “Ok well that’s my problem not yours. Better yet what you can do for me right now is walk your ass through my front door. Please don’t ever come back here again” I said. That motherfucker had some nerve trying to get close to me for some ass like I’m some fucking hoe or something. And then for him to ask me to have a threesome that nigga was out of his mind. I don’t know what the fuck made him think that just because I was fucking James and he was in the family that I would fuck him too. James was the only exception. It’s not like I would fuck all of my relatives.

My stomach was steady growing and growing. I was still reaching out to James and getting no response. I was lonely and hadn’t even spoken to anyone in my family. Whenever I would go to the doctor I would call and talk to his voicemail. I had become best friends with his machine. That was the only way I could hear his voice. I wanted to keep him updated with everything that was going on with our baby. I didn’t know how things were going in his marriage, but things weren’t looking good for us.

I was almost to the point where I didn’t care anymore. I was about to give up on our love that I seemed to be the only one fighting for. I wanted us to raise our child as a family, but it just didn’t seem like it was going to happen. I had started to set myself up for the worst mentally because reality had begun to settle in. I guess he had really left me and this time it was for good. Eventually I just stopped calling. It was a hard thing to do, but it had to be done. I had to let go for the sake of my sanity.

My 6, 7, and 8th month flew by like a breeze. James was still missing out on sharing a lifetime experience with me. I have to admit being pregnant and not having anyone to assist you with daily tasks was hard and depressing at times. To not have someone there to tell you a joke or rub your stomach was even hurtful at times, but I held my own. I had my own baby shower for just me and the baby. I went out and bought everything he or she could possibly need. I bought all neutral colors because I was waiting to be surprised about the sex.

I read to my baby and sung beautiful songs to him or her all day and night. I wanted nothing more than to share the experiences with James. I mean after all he was the father. I even had to take the parenting classes all on my own. I tried to prepare myself for being a single mother as best as I could, but I just hated the idea. The last month of my pregnancy I had a lot of things to accomplish. I walked very frequently to help me dilate and to keep my body intact.

I didn’t know how I was going to deliver this baby on my own. Luckily I was at home when my water broke. I called the ambulance to take me to the hospital. I was in no shape to drive myself nor did I have anyone else to take me. I was having contractions and was excited at the same time. I was so ready for my little baby to come out so I could see what I created. Before the ambulance arrived I had two more calls to make. First I called my parents after not speaking to them throughout my entire pregnancy. Although we weren’t on speaking terms I felt like I should at least give them the opportunity to be there if they wanted to. After all it was their first grandchild.

My mom answered the phone and I told her what hospital I would be in. She didn’t say whether or not she was going to be there. She just said ok and that was it we hung up the phone. I then called James. I knew I wasn’t going to have better luck with him because he wouldn’t even answer the phone. Just as I thought I got his voicemail as usual. I told him the same thing as I told my mom giving him the same opportunity.

Once I arrived at the hospital I was more than ready to have my baby. They took me into the room and I didn’t know how, but my parents and James were already inside waiting. I broke down in tears. I was very emotional and it was also comforting knowing that I had some support. James held onto one hand and my parents held onto the other one. When presented with the option to have and epidural I gladly declined. At that moment I had everything I could possibly want. Even if it was only for that moment. I didn’t want to be drugged. They had somehow given me the strength I needed so I wanted to have a natural birth.