To Summon Nightmares (16 page)

"I suppose that's true. Too kind."

"Maybe a little." Cohen laughed.

Niall turned to face Cohen, and pressed their lips together in a soft kiss, devoid of any of the desperation of earlier. This one lingered, sweet, as if he didn't want the moment to end. Finally it did, and Niall took Cohen's face in his hands. "I don't know what's going to happen to me," he said. "But I want you to know that I think you're brilliant. And I hope..." he broke off, but Cohen thought he knew what he'd been going to say.

"I hope so, too," he said. "I'm glad I met you."

They fell asleep at last, with Niall's arms locked around Cohen. Cohen's dreams were a confused mixture of excitement and desperation and fear, held at bay only by the warmth of Niall next to him and the memory of his hot, fervent kisses.

Chapter Eight

Cohen woke earlier than Niall, and he slipped out of bed quietly, careful not to wake him. The spells that Niall had set up seemed to be able to tell whether or not he was sleepwalking, because they let him leave the room without incident. He made a stop at his suitcase to grab the little black case, and headed to the bathroom with it. He was supposed to do his shot tonight, but he couldn't wait any longer.

He pulled the syringe out and began the process, drawing the thick clear liquid into the barrel, and then switching the needle for a long, thinner one. He remembered the first few times he'd done this, he'd been shaky and unsure. Now it was second nature. Pulling off his pyjama trousers, he sat on the toilet lid in his briefs and wiped the spot on his thigh with sterilizer.

Drawing in a deep breath, he positioned the long needle directly over his leg, and, with a long exhale, stabbed downwards. The needle slid in effortlessly, and Cohen forced himself to stay relaxed. There was a bit of a sting, and the inevitable reaction of confusion and upset from his body. The light above him was a little too bright, and his heart was beating fast. Taking another long breath, he gripped the barrel and slowly pushed the plunger down. He wanted to do it quickly, to get it over with, but he forced his hand to move slowly and surely. When the needle was empty at last, he pulled it out of his leg with a swift motion, and set it down on the counter next to him.

Done
. He was good for two weeks. The relief washed through him. He knew it wouldn't be taking effect yet, but he already felt better. He cleaned up, wiping everything down with more sterilizer, and disposing of the needles in the special bin he'd brought, before pulling his trousers back on and then heading back into the bedroom.

Niall was awake when he returned, sitting up and watching curiously as Cohen returned the case to its place amongst his clothes. "Are you going to have to do that for the rest of your life?" he asked.

"Probably." Cohen sighed, slipping into the bed with Niall. It had been cold in the bathroom, but Niall had kept the bed nice and warm. "Which is a pain, because I want to travel, and live in different countries. I don't like being limited to where I can easily access my meds."

Niall leaned over him and kissed him lightly. Cohen took a deep, shaky breath and kissed him back. Niall's warmth was slowly pushing the shivers and cold away. "Where do you want to go?" asked Niall.

"I'm not sure yet," Cohen admitted. "I know I want somewhere I can be independent. My parents don't know it, but this trip was sort of a test run, to see how I could handle living on my own, to figure out exactly what I wanted."

"What have you figured out, then?"

"Hm," Cohen snuggled in closer to Niall, thinking. "Well, I know I don't want a small town. I think I'm a city lad at heart. I wanted to go somewhere no one knew who I was, but I think you get more anonymity in a big city. And I..." He paused. He'd wanted to be alone. He'd felt put upon, with his family, like he never had any privacy or space. But he was with someone now, and he didn't feel that way at all. "I thought I wanted to be alone, but... maybe I was just waiting for the right person."

"Cohen..." Niall sounded apprehensive.

"Seriously Niall, think about it." Cohen let his imagination run wild. "I could buy a place somewhere far away; there must be places that the Guild doesn't have much influence. And then once I'm settled in, you could come live with me. No one would know you were there, and you wouldn't have to work or come up with a fake ID or anything."

Niall's face was blank. Cohen looked up at him waiting for him to respond. "Niall?"

"I don't want to think about it," said Niall. "I'm sorry Cohen, but I don't want to hope for that sort of thing. If the Guild catch me again, and they take me back there..." He shuddered, and Cohen felt it pass through him as well. "I don't want to have that hope taken away from me. It would kill me."

"We could go right now," said Cohen. "We could leave tonight."

"We can't," said Niall. "And you know that. I have to stop Jacky."

Cohen sighed, and settled back into Niall, his fantasy dissipating like mist in sunlight. "Well, it was a nice thought."

"I'll go talk to Jacky tonight," said Niall. "After work. I don't know if I can change his mind, or even get through to him at all, but I have to try. I can't stop trying."

"I'll go with you," said Cohen.

"No!" Niall shook his head violently. "You can't. It's too dangerous. And, anyway, Cohen, listen." He put a hand to Cohen's face and kissed him again. "If..." he whispered, "If that plan of yours is going to work out, it's imperative that the Guild not find out that I'm involved with you. Otherwise they'll use you to get to me. Do you understand?"

"I do," said Cohen. He did understand. But he also knew that there were more important things at stake than their future together. That was why they couldn't leave right now, not until Jacky was stopped. And why, if it came down to it, he would have to sacrifice everything to stop him. "But I couldn't live with myself if something bad happened, and I did nothing to stop it."

"You don't need to do anything," said Niall. "Just keep yourself safe."

*~*~*

Cohen pushed the small white button firmly and listened as the doorbell echoed throughout the house within. A few seconds later there was a thumping from indoors and the door flew open.

A teenage girl stood there, her eyes alight. She stared at Cohen for a few moments, then lunged forward and embraced him with a squeal. "Oh my god, it's you!" she squeaked. "I'm your biggest fan!"

"Um." Cohen was torn between the desire to disentangle himself from her long skinny arms and not wanting to offend her. "I guess you're probably Myrna's daughter?"

The girl jumped back and straightened her bobbed black hair nervously. "Yeah!" she squeaked again, breathless. "I'm Kelsie. Sorry." She wrung her long fingers together and then Myrna's voice boomed from inside the house.

"What are you doing, Kelsie? Invite him in." She appeared at the doorway behind her daughter a few seconds later, looking disgruntled and holding a newspaper. "Glad you could make it," she said with a small smile. "Sorry about my daughter."

"It's okay," said Cohen, trying to smile at Kelsie who was still wringing her hands and staring at him in awe. "It's nice to meet a fan."

At that, Kelsie's forced reservation dissolved once again, and she pounced on him for another hug.

"Kelsie," said Myrna in a warning tone, and Kelsie backed away.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" she fluttered. "It's just I never met another trans person before!"

"You probably have and just didn't know it," said Cohen, a smile creeping onto his face.

"Yeah, but you're the first person I knew about," she said, her face now taking on a slight pink tone. "You're so amazing!"

"I'm not that amazing in real life," Cohen warned her. "I'm just normal."

"Well now, you're slightly amazing," laughed Myrna. "All right, Kelsie, back off and let your sister say hello."

Cohen hadn't even noticed there was another person in the room, a little plump girl with the same frizzy red hair and stern face as Myrna. "Hello," she said solemnly, holding out a hand for Cohen to shake.

Cohen shook it, unable to keep from smiling. "Hello, I'm Cohen. What's your name?"

"I'm Noleen," she intoned. "It's nice to meet you. Kelsie made me watch all your videos."

"Shut up, Pinky!" said Kelsie, looking quite mortified considering the shameless abandon she had displayed a moment ago.

"Well you did!" said Noleen, sticking her chin out.

"Girls," said Myrna firmly, "go and check on dinner, please."

The girls skittered off to the kitchen, and Myrna gave Cohen a long-suffering look. "I'm sorry about Kelsie," she said, beckoning Cohen into the sitting room. "You see I couldn't
not
invite you to dinner, there'd be a mutiny."

"I understand," said Cohen. When Myrna still looked apologetic, he continued. "It's really okay, I've met other young people like her; I guess I sort of accepted the mentor role when I came out publicly."

"You didn't really have a choice though, did you?" she asked as they sat down.

"Well, I suppose I could have gone into hiding," joked Cohen, and then a little more solemnly, "I suppose I
have
."

"I'm sorry to drag you out of it," said Myrna apologetically. "But I promise you'll get nothing but support in this house."

"I still need it here," sighed Cohen, thinking of how the people in town had treated him. He'd been afraid to go into town today, preferring to lock himself up at home and attempt to distract himself. Niall had left for work shortly after their conversation and Cohen had spent the day writing. He'd given up on writing the next book in his series, instead letting whatever came to him flow out. Nothing amazing had come of it, but it felt good to be doing it again. And it was the only thing that had kept the anxiety he felt over Niall at bay. Niall must be done working by now. He was probably talking to Jacky. What if he was in danger?

Cohen felt cold dread shoot through him at the thought, despite the warm comfort of Myrna's sitting room. "Sorry," he said, realising that he'd trailed off.

Myrna was looking at him strangely. "Has something happened?" she asked. "I mean, besides what you told me?"

"Nothing," said Cohen. "I mean, I saw Niall again last night, but nothing bad happened."
But something horrible might be happening right now
.

"Hm." Myrna looked a little less than impressed. "I'm still not sure I trust that man."

"Oh, I trust him," said Cohen. "I just..." He thought about what Niall had said, that it was better if no one knew about the fact that they were together. He should change the subject. "I was wondering something."

"What's that?"

"It's just a hypothetical question," said Cohen nervously. "Like, for my writing."

"All right," said Myrna, "go on."

"Well it's about... morality, really. I mean, I know most people would sacrifice themselves to save other people, right? Especially if it were to save, like a
lot
of other people."

"Well yes," said Myrna. "It would be difficult to live with yourself otherwise, wouldn't it? Most people don't even feel they have a choice."

"Right," said Cohen. "That's easy. But what about when saving the lives of a bunch of people depends on you... killing someone else. I'm asking, basically, if you could live with killing one person in order to save the lives of many others. Would it be right?"

Myrna raised her eyebrows. "Your next book is going to be a bit different from your other ones then, I suppose?"

"Maybe a little," laughed Cohen, still nervous. "I am an adult now."

"Of course," said Myrna. "Well, the answer to that's not simple. It depends on the person. Of course I would do it. But," she shrugged. "I'm a police officer. It's part of our—or at least my—creed. We give up the luxury of a clear conscience, give up our own moral purity, as it were, for the well-being of other people. It's a sacrifice I chose to make when I joined the police force."

"I guess not everyone's cut out for that," said Cohen, thinking of Niall's reluctance. His softness, the way he was so kind and gentle still, after what had happened to him.

"Certainly not," Myrna agreed. "And it's best that way. It... breaks a lot of people, you see. That's why so many officers are corrupt. Having to do bad things for the sake of the greater good, it can..." she paused. "It can make you forget what the greater good is, turn good men into shadows of themselves. So many of the officers in the city were like that. It's one of the reasons I moved out here."

"When did you move?"

"After my husband died," said Myrna. She said it very matter-of-factly, but Cohen thought it was too much so. The lack of emotion in her voice gave it away. "He was a Garda too," she continued. "We worked together, and at one point we got in over our heads, involved in a drug conspiracy. He was killed, and I..." she sighed, and her eyes were distant. "I thought it might be better to bring the girls out here. Simpler. But I don't know now if I was just being selfish. I think Kelsie might need the city. Of course I can drive her into the doctor's there, but she's rather alone here. There's no one else like her."

"Well," Cohen swallowed. "I understand that, but I also understand wanting to get them out of that kind of environment."

"It
was
mostly for my sake, though," said Myrna, glancing at the door to the kitchen. "I thought it would be peaceful here, that I could heal, and that would be better for them. But of course it's turned out to be just as difficult here, what with the murders."

Cohen thought of Niall again and the lump in his throat was back.

"And now Kelsie's gone and gotten herself a boyfriend here," said Myrna with a small laugh, turning away from the kitchen to look at Cohen again. "So she'd kill me if I tried to move her now."

*~*~*

They had a nice dinner of potatoes and roast beef. It was a loud, chatty affair that reminded Cohen of being back home with his family. Kelsie talked about her boyfriend, and Noleen interjected occasionally to correct her on insignificant details. Noleen also told Cohen, a little shyly when pressed, that she wanted to be a writer when she grew up, and that she liked his books quite a bit.