To Love Again (26 page)

He considered it thoughtfully. Nine and a half.

Then you're forgiven.

Thank God.

They walked slowly to the door and he kissed her again as they said good night.

I'll call you tomorrow. She smiled at him happily. And what about our walk? May I join you tomorrow?

I think that might be arranged.

When she woke up the next morning, she was horrified at what she'd done. She was a widow. In her heart she was still a married woman. What was she doing kissing him all night on the den floor? Her heart pounded each time she thought of it, and she felt sorrow mixed with unfamiliar guilt. When he called her, she hid in her office and told Natasha in a brusque voice through the door that she was too busy to take calls from anyone, even him. But it wasn't his fault, she reasoned, as she tried fruitlessly to lose herself in her work. It wasn't his fault at all. She had been as eager as he for those kisses, as surprised as he at her responses, and much more so at what she felt stirring deep in her soul. But Amadeo ' Amadeo. ' It was true then. Amadeo was not coming back again.

Where are you going? Natasha looked at her in surprise as she hurried toward the front door.

I'm going for my walk early. I have too much work to do tonight She glanced nervously at Natasha, and her voice was sharp.

All right. You don't have to get so uptight about it. I just asked.

She was back at five o'clock, but still shaken, still nervous, still shocked at what she'd done. Then, suddenly, as she came up in the elevator she realized that she was being a fool. She was a grown woman, she was lonely, and he was a very attractive man. So she had kissed him. So what? But when she opened the door to the apartment, she jumped when she saw him standing in the middle of the room. As usual the children were playing around his legs, and Natasha was sprawled out on the couch, surrounded by books and papers, trying to chat with Corbett in spite of the din.

Hi, Isabella. How was your walk? Natasha called out.

Fine.

I hope it did something for you. You were in one rotten mood when you left.

She nodded, and Corbett grinned. But there was nothing too familiar, nothing possessive or uncomfortable about the look in his eyes.

Did you have a rough day?

She nodded again, trying to smile at him, and she relaxed a little at the continued look of comfortable friendship in his eyes. Maybe she had made too much of it. Maybe he wouldn't pursue it after all. It had been the brandy, the music, but it could still be forgotten; it wasn't too late. And then she found herself smiling and sprawled like Natasha in a chair. Natasha was yelling for Hattie while the boys and Corbett played. Hattie appeared a moment later, and Natasha waved the boys away.

Jesus, I love them, but sometimes they drive me nuts.

Corbett relaxed in a chair, let out a sigh, and grinned. Don't you two ever play rough with them? They've got more energy than brand-new box springs.

We read them stories. Natasha looked at him in amusement. And play games.

Then buy them a punching bag or something. No, come to think of it, I guess they don't need one. They have me. His eyes met Isabella's, this time with a more pointed look. You already went for your walk?

She nodded. Yes.

Okay. Then show me what you did in your office today. You promised yesterday, remember? And before she could object, he had taken her hand and pulled her to her feet. Not wanting to make a scene in front of Natasha, she walked quickly to her office. Corbett closed the door.

Corbett, I

Wait a minute before you say anything. Please. He sat down in a chair and looked at her kindly. Why don't you sit down?

She did so, like an obedient schoolgirl, relieved only that he hadn't swept her expectantly into his arms.

Before you tell me what you're thinking, he went on, let me tell you what I already know. I've been through this. I know what it's like. And it's awful, so at least let me share what I learned. If I'm not entirely crazy, I left here last night and you were as happy as I was. But sometime maybe last night, maybe thus morning, maybe not even till tonight, though I doubt that you started thinking. About your husband, about what used to be, about still being married. You felt guilty, frightened, crazy.

Isabella stared at him in amazement, not saying a word, but her eyes very wide.

You couldn't even understand why you'd done it, you could barely remember who I was. But let me tell you, darling, that's natural. It's something you have to go through. You can't run away from it now. You're lonely, you're human, you didn't do anything terrible or wrong. And if you had been the one who'd been kidnapped, your husband would be going through exactly the same thing right now. It takes about this long to feel again, to thaw out, and then you've got all the same feelings you've ever had before and no one to share them with. But now you've got me. You can either try it, very, very slowly, or you can run like hell and hide in your guilt and your feelings of still being married for the rest of your life. That's not an ultimatum. You may just not want me. I may not be the right one. If that's what you're thinking, I'll understand it. But don't run away from what you feel, Isabella' You can't go back. He stopped then, almost breathless, and Isabella looked at him, stunned.

But how did you know?

I went through it. And the first time I kissed a woman I felt as though I had defiled Beth's memory, as though I had betrayed her. I was torn apart. But the difference was that I didn't give a damn about that woman. I was just lonely and horny and tired and sad. I care about you, though. I love you. And I hope to hell you can care about me.

How do you understand everything like that? She looked at him in amazement from across the room. And he smiled at her, lovingly, easily, straight from the heart.

I'm just very smart.

Ah, and humble! She was suddenly smiling again, and enjoying teasing him.

In that case, we happen to be evenly matched. Is that why you went out walking without me?

I wanted to run away from you. To have finished my walk before you got here.

That was smart. But he didn't look hurt by it, nor did he look amused. He simply understood.

I'm sorry.

Don't be. Do you want me to leave now? It's all right, Isabella, I'll understand.

But she shook her head and held out her hand. He walked to her and took it, looking down into the bottomless black eyes.

I don't want you to go. I feel stupid now. Maybe I was wrong. She clung to him as the children did, and gently he took her hands and knelt beside her, holding them in his own.

I told you we'd go slowly. I'm not in a rush.

I'm glad. And with that she put her arms softly around his neck and hugged him, childlike. They held each other that way for what seemed like a very long time, and this time it was Isabella who moved her hand slowly, touched his chin and his eyes and his lean, handsome face. It was she who took the first step this time and whose lips sought his, gently at first then hungrily. And it was she who trembled when they stopped.

Take it easy, darling.

But she was smiling again. What was it you said about rape?

If you rape me, I'll punch you. He looked like offended virtue itself as she laughed. Then he was smiling again. Want to go for a drive? He looked hopeful, but he didn't want to push.

You brought the car?

No, I was planning to steal one. Of course I did. Why?

Then I'd love it. She paused. What will we tell Natasha?

That we're going out for a drive. Is that so wrong?

She looked at him sheepishly. I still feel guilty.

But he smiled gently at her. Don't worry about it. Sometimes so do I.

They bid Natasha a casual au revoir and went out for a drive, down to Wall Street, to the Cloisters, and then through the park. Settled against the plush upholstery, sitting close to him, she felt protected from the world.

I don't know what happened to me today, she said.

Don't worry about it, Isabella. It's all right.

I suppose so. Do you suppose I'll ever be sane again? She looked at him, smiling, half in jest, half in truth.

I hope not. I like you like this.

She smiled at him tenderly. I like you too.

But Isabella knew that she more than liked him two weeks later when Natasha was away for the weekend with the boys.

You mean they just left you? He looked infinitely sorry for her when he came by on Saturday afternoon for tea. He had planned to sit with her for a few hours and maybe go for a walk, and he had been hoping that perhaps Natasha was going out. He enjoyed his time alone with Isabella, but it was even more precious to him because it was so rare. They were always surrounded by children, or Natasha, or even Hattie, the maid. Where did they go?

Isabella smiled in amusement as she handed him a cup of Earl Grey. Just to some friends of Natasha's in Connecticut. It'll do the boys good.

He nodded slowly, but it wasn't the boys he was thinking of as gently he reached for her hand. Do you realize how quiet it is here, and how seldom we're alone?

She sat there thinking, and slowly her mind drifted back to Rome. She had had so much space in her home there, so much room to herself, so many hours of her own time. I wish you had known me then. She said it dreamily as he watched her eyes.

When, Isabella?

In Italy' . She said it softly and then looked up at him with a soft blush. But that doesn't make any sense, does it? In Italy, in the good days, she had been married. Corbett would have had no place in her life.

But he understood what she was thinking. It was normal that now and then she should long for her home. Do you have a wonderful house there?

She smiled and nodded, and then told him about Alessandro's Christmas carousel as her eyes danced. She looked so lovely as she told him that he put down his cup and took her in his arms.

I wish I could take you back there ' take you home, if that's what you want. And then he spoke very softly. But maybe one day home will be here? But she didn't really think so; she couldn't imagine spending the rest of her life anywhere except Rome. Do you miss it awfully?

She shrugged and smiled. Italy is ' just Italy. There's nothing like it anywhere in the world. Crazy people, crazy traffic, good spaghetti, wonderful smells' . As she said it she found herself thinking of the narrow back streets not far from San Gregorio, of women nursing babies in doorways and children running out of church, of the birds singing in the treetops in her garden ' just thinking of it brought tears to her eyes.

And as he watched her Corbett felt sympathy for her tear at his heart. Do you want to go out for dinner tonight, my love? It was the first time he had called her that and she smiled, but slowly she shook her head.

You know I can't.

But he thought for a moment. Perhaps you can.

Are you serious?

Why not? His eyes danced with mischief now. He had a plan. There's a funny little Italian restaurant I used to go to, way downtown. No one respectable' ever goes there. He grinned. We could probably dash in for a quick dinner, and no one would have any idea who you were. And it's so Italian that it's bound to feel like home. For a moment he wondered if that would make things worse, but he had a feeling that wouldn't be the case, and he was going to see to it that she had a marvelous time.

Like a fellow conspirator he waited in the living room while she got dressed. She emerged giggling, in black slacks and sweater, with a black Borsalino fedora pulled low over one eye.

Do I look mysterious? She was laughing, and so was he.

Very much so!

He even had the Rolls parked a few doors away, and they slipped unnoticed into the restaurant, where they gorged and Isabella chatted happily with their waiter as they drank inexpensive Roman wine.

Promise you won't tell Natasha! She'd kill me for this. Her eyes sparkled, and he agreed.

I couldn't tell her. She'd probably kill me first. But he didn't feel nervous about Natasha. He knew that Isabella was safe, and when they had had their fill of pasta and the simple red wine, they drove slowly home with a brief detour through the park. Happy? She nodded and settled her head against his shoulder. She had put her hat on the seat beside her, and her raven hair lay softly against his coat. He touched it gently, and then her cheek with his hand. And his eyes never seemed to leave her as he and Isabella went slowly inside.

Do you want to come in for coffee? She looked at him invitingly, but it wasn't coffee either of them had in mind.

He nodded and followed her inside, but once in the hallway, Isabella never bothered to put on the lights. She found herself instantly in Corbett's arms and in the darkness felt herself throbbing with a passion that she had long since forgotten, as Corbett pressed his mouth down on hers. Breathlessly they walked hand in hand to the bedroom, and without turning on the lights, Corbett undressed her and she him, and their bodies joined at last. It seemed hours later when she turned on a small light and smiled at him as he lay in her bed. She looked around the room at the debris of their clothes, and she started to laugh.