Thoughtless (17 page)

I sat on the step and hung my head in my hands. Tears came again and I had the odd desire for Kellan to come home. I just wanted my friend to put an arm around me and tell me it would be okay. That I hadn’t just made a monumental mistake last night in breaking up with Denny. Okay, two monumental mistakes. Kellan… I don’t know what had come over me last night. Well, tequila certainly, but was that all it was? Rita would love this bit of gossip, not that I ever intended to tell her. There had been so many warnings, and I had ignored them all. It was literally written on the wall that he was kind of a dog, who routinely slept around. And then there had been the…misunderstanding with his ex-roommate, Joey. Apparently, it
was
a pattern with him.

Great, now, not only am I completely alone, but like Joey, he’ll probably ask me to leave. I’ll be homeless too. That didn’t seem quite right in my head. I had never seen him be anything but nice to people. Well, he liked to tease me relentlessly, but not in a cruel way. I couldn’t see him just ruthlessly chucking me out, with nowhere to go. But he could make me so uncomfortable that I would want to leave. I wanted to leave now… The thought of his surely smug, amused smile had my stomach in knots. One more notch in his bedpost, I thought glumly. Where was he anyway? Was seeing me so horrible to him, that he was purposely keeping away?

I’m such an idiot. I vowed to never drink tequila again.

Finally, I picked my wallowing body up and got the glass of water that I was so desperately craving. I ended up drinking three. I plugged the phone back in and stared at it for a good twenty minutes. I desperately wanted to call Denny, to tell him that I needed him and I’d made a huge mistake last night – an even bigger one than Denny was aware of. I couldn’t though. My guilt was too great to talk to him. After another five minutes of blankly staring at the stupid thing, I forced myself back
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upstairs and into the shower, thinking I could wash away my despair. It did nothing for me though. Afterwards, I lay down in my bed, staring at a picture of Denny and me on his nightstand, and cried, yet again.

Eventually, I had to move on from my despair, into a brand new one. I had to go to work. Numbly I dressed, arranged my hair into a loose, messy ponytail and threw on some makeup. I looked horrible, I felt horrible, but at least the room had stopped spinning and my stomach had stopped turning. Now if only I could do something about my heart…

I arrived at Pete’s late and hurried past Rita. I didn’t need her inferring anything about my looks right now. My stomach was in knots as I threw my jacket in the backroom. I had no idea if Kellan would come in tonight or not? Would it be weird seeing him…after seeing so much of him? That thought made me blush as I walked back into the bar. I swept an eye over the tables, but he wasn’t there, none of the band was. I took a deep breath and forced all thoughts of Denny and Kellan to the back of my mind.

I managed to make it through half of my shift in a calm sort of numb-ness. I only lost it when Jenny pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong. The tears immediately started falling as I repeated the conversation Denny and I’d had last night. She swiftly gave me a hug, which brought even more tears, and told me that everything would be fine.

That Denny and I were perfect for each other and things would work out. She smiled at me so reassuringly, that I felt a tiny spark of hope that maybe things would be okay. Then I remembered the second part of that evening. As Jenny gave me one final hug, I considered telling her.

“Jenny…”

She pulled back and looked at me sweetly, waiting. Her face was so open and honest. She was the best sort of person, and I began to feel even more horrid looking at her. She probably wouldn’t understand…she would look at me differently. Maybe she would even think the worst of me and stop being my friend. A part of me doubted that she would judge me that harshly, but I felt pretty harsh on myself at that minute, and didn’t want to risk anyone else thinking that way about me.

No, I couldn’t tell anyone about Kellan.

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“Thank you for listening.”

“Anytime, Kiera.” She smiled and hugged me again and we both continued on our shifts.

About an hour later, a sound came through the front door that made me stop breathing. Evan walked through the door with his big, booming laugh. Matt followed quickly behind, ducking through the door and past Evan, laughing just as much. Numbly, I watched them. Two down…two to go. Griffin came in a few seconds later, looking really pissed off. He glared at Evan and Matt, who were still laughing…apparently at him.

Flipping them both off, he turned and headed for their regular table. I stared stupidly at the door while Evan and Matt followed Griffin, still laughing. One to go. I kept staring at the door, but nothing happened.

Shaking my head and feeling a little stupid, I realized he wasn’t coming, he wasn’t here. Was he avoiding me at the bar too? Somehow, that seemed worse than him avoiding me at home. I could feel the tears reforming.

Jenny came up to me, putting a hand on my shoulder. “You don’t look so good…you alright?”

I blinked back those tears. “Yeah, I’m fine.” The roller coaster of recent emotions was taking its toll - I was exhausted.

Jenny seemed to see that. “Go home, Kiera.” I shook my head, I could do this. “I’m fine, Jenny…just a long day. I’ll get through it.”

She started turning me towards the backroom. “Go, its dead tonight…I’ll cover for you.” She kept her hands on my shoulders, until I reached the hallway that led to the back.

“Jenny, really, it’s not necessary.”

“I know, I know…you’re tough, you can stick it out…” She smiled at me mockingly. “Just go home…you can cover for me tomorrow, if you want, and I’ll leave early.”

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I laughed a little. I was suddenly very tired and it sounded like a great idea. “Yeah…fine, okay.”

I don’t remember the drive home; one minute I was in the parking lot saying goodbye to Jenny, who said she’d check on me tomorrow, and the next, I was approaching the driveway, looking over at the empty spot where Kellan’s car usually rested. Still not home. That irritated me a bit, then it made me sad, then it made me even more tired. I drug myself into the house and up into my room. Hastily, I changed into my pajamas and collapsed into bed. A few more tears leaked out, before I finally faded in-to sleep.

Light footsteps on the stairs woke me, what felt like seconds later. Kellan must finally have come home. I looked over at the clock - 11:10pm.

Maybe he figured I was safely asleep by now and he wouldn’t have to see me. I fought back the sudden tears of loneliness stinging my eyes. I should have stayed at work…

Oddly, the door to my room quietly cracked open. Great, he is going to ask me to leave, and he’s going to do it now. Well, that’s just a perfect end to my perfect day. Here Kellan, my heart is already broken, can you please rip it into tiny shreds for me? Maybe he’ll go away, wait until morning, if he thinks I’m sleeping. The thought gave me a sliver of hope and I held perfectly still, making sure my breathing stayed slow and even.

It wasn’t going to work. Now he was sitting on the bed beside me.

Jerk, I thought, irritated. He seriously can’t wait to crush me until morning? I resisted the urge to sigh and tell him to go back to his room. That I would leave tomorrow. That I was not going to inconvenience him by staying. But I was still hoping he’d go away, so I kept up my fake-sleep.

His hand rested on my shoulder and I had to strongly resist jerking my body away from his touch. “Kiera?” An all too familiar accent pierced my dark thoughts.

Shock opened my eyes and turned my body around to the figure sitting next to me on the bed.

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“Denny…?” Tears were in my eyes immediately. Was I still sleeping?

Was he real?

He smiled, his warm eyes glistening as well. “Hey,” he whispered.

“What…why…how…?” I couldn’t quite form a coherent question in my confusion.

He put his hand on my cheek and brushed away a tear. “You’re my heart,” was all he said.

Sobbing, I sat up and threw my arms around his neck. “Denny…” I brokenly tried to speak, “I’m so sorry…” In my head, I was more sorry for Kellan, than for our fight, but I wasn’t about to tell him that.

“Shhhh…” He held me close, rocking me gently and stroking my hair.

“I’m here…it’s okay.”

I pulled back to look at him, tears on his cheeks now too. “You came back…for me?”

He sighed and brushed a lock of hair behind my ear. “Of course…did you think I wouldn’t? That I would let you slip away? I love you…” His voice broke a little at the end.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Your job?” He sighed again. “I told them no.”

Sudden despair for my selfishness overwhelmed me. Two years…it had seemed an eternity last night, but with him now in my arms, it seemed like a ridiculously short amount of time. “I’m so sorry. I overreacted. Of course you should take the job. Call them back! Two years – it’s nothing. This is your dream…” Panic was leaking into my guilt.

“Kiera…” He stopped me softly. “They offered it to someone else already.”

“Oh.” I bit my lip. “Your internship?”

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He sighed once again. “No, they gave that to someone else when I took the job.”

I couldn’t say anything else as the facts settled in my brain. He gave up all of it…for me. The dream internship, which had been our reason for moving here, the once in a lifetime job, that no intern had ever been offered. All of it – gone, because I couldn’t wait two short years, and he wouldn’t let me go.

The tears of grief and guilt assaulted me again. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Denny. I’m sorry…” I repeated it over and over while he held me to his shoulder. When the tears over my selfishness finally subsided, the tears over being with Kellan last night during our “brief” time apart, broke me down again.

Denny simply held me, telling me over and over that everything would be okay, that we were together and that was all that mattered.

Eventually, and more to distract me than anything I think, he lightly grabbed my chin and pulled me in for a long, sweet kiss.

The warmth, the familiarity, the comfort in that kiss silenced my guilt-soaked brain for a moment. Then as his lips parted and his tongue lightly found mine, another section of my brain woke up. Desire flooded me and I kissed him eagerly. I couldn’t stop the last few tears that rolled down my cheek though and he tenderly brushed them away with his thumb.

He lowered me back onto the pillows and kissed my lips, my jaw, my forehead, all the while still stroking my cheek. I ran my hand through his hair, down his cheek, along his jaw - the familiar hairline soft under my fingertips, across his lips. I couldn’t believe he was actually here.

I pushed the grief and guilt and horror at what I had done last night to the very back part of my mind. I would deal with it later - this moment was all I could concentrate on now. I pulled his wandering lips back to mine and kissed him fiercely. He made a pleasant noise in the back of his throat, his breath quickened.

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I pushed him back a little bit and pulled the covers away from me. He had been too far from me for too long. I needed him much closer. “Come here.”

He stood up for a minute and smoothly undressed then crawled under the covers with me, wrapping his arms around me. He nestled in to kiss my neck. “I missed you,” he breathed across my skin.

My breath caught and I blinked away a quick tear. Later, I reprim-anded myself. “I missed you, so much, Denny,” I sighed, bringing him back to my mouth. It was as if his lips were oxygen and I was suffocating, I couldn’t stop kissing him. It was all I wanted. All I needed was his soft lips on mine, his tongue lightly brushing mine. My mind started relaxing into him, slowly stopped thinking.

His hands started pulling down my pants, slowly, gently. I sighed and kissed him harder. He slipped them off and started back up for my underwear. My mind snapped awake as I suddenly got scared that he would somehow know. That he would have some sixth sense that told him I had been unfaithful to him. But he pulled my underwear off without hesitation. His lips never left mine, his breath was still heavy.

He didn’t hate me, he still wanted me.

His fingers slipped inside me and my mind completely shut off - I didn’t care anymore.

I took off my tank top, needing to feel all of my skin pressed against his. His lips finally left mine and trailed down my neck, down my chest.

His lips teasing and nibbling my breast, his fingers sliding along my wet skin, raised my desire for him and I moaned his name. “Denny…” He stopped swirling his tongue around my nipple and looked back up at my face. I pulled him back up to my lips. “I need you…” I whispered.

I meant it in every way those words could be interpreted.

Gently he moved over me and his fingers were replaced with something far more satisfying. I gasped and closed my eyes as he slid in-to me. A shudder passed through my body as he began to move. The ache of my loneliness over the past weeks crept up on me unexpectedly and one tear escaped my eye. “God, I missed you…”
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He bent over to my ear. “I love you,” he whispered raggedly.

All too soon, my desire for him rose along with his. I couldn’t hold back the sounds, I didn’t want to. For that perfect moment, I didn’t care where I was or who else was there, I only cared that Denny was here with me, finally. We finished together and afterwards, he held me in his arms for a long time, stroking my hair and kissing my temple, until sleep eventually took him.

I, however, was suddenly wide awake.

The room, filled only with the sound of Denny’s light breathing, was suddenly suffocating to me. My guilt, my grief, that I had somehow managed to push away from me, was springing back. Not wanting to wake Denny, not wanting him to question my despair, I quietly tossed my clothes back on and left the room, shutting the door as smoothly as I could behind me. Not looking at Kellan’s door, I made my way down the stairs. I made it all the way to the living room, before the first tears started to fall.