They Told Me I Had to Write This (15 page)

‘He was using Kevlar protection!’ I yelled. I jumped up and bounced the palms of my hands against the window. I wanted it to break, but was glad it didn’t. I turned around to look at the Rev. ‘I was already hurting and the teacher chose me so he could hold up my hurt to protect himself. And whenever I started to go off about that teacher he would say I was still hurting over my mum and everyone believed him and not me.’

‘I think you’ve got it,’ said the Rev.

Something changed when he said that. Everything outside went quiet. I could feel my heart beating inside my chest. My eyes started to give me up and I crumpled into a chair while the whole universe slowed down. I sat like that for ages. Eventually I said to the Rev, ‘Can you say a prayer for me?’

And he said OK and didn’t even close his eyes.

‘Hey God . . .’ he said, which was so disrespectful and I looked at him shocked and was going to say something but he said, ‘Hey God, where do you want to be working in Clem’s life?’

His prayer was over and the chronology stopped and I found out how risky it is to be a kinesthetic.

I was in a flashback up above the trees and looking down at a tree house and a boy who should have been at a funeral except he was waiting for a door to open.

This time I knew what I had been thinking up there in that war zone of a tree house when Dad came to get me.

A dangerous feeling crept up inside me and it was this thing called grief which is about sadness and loss, but is also about being angry and it’s about terrible fear. That dangerous feeling was very scary for me.

The grief with its anger and its fear must have been sleeping pretty lightly coz it came awake easy when the Rev said that prayer.

The tree house dissolved and I was standing in the same backyard, a lonely little boy who wanted a mum but there wasn’t one for him. And I could see myself crying there in the backyard. Then the grief hit me and my crying really started.

Not crying like has happened before in session, but crying from waaay waaay back that went on as if it was never going to end. Crying like a flood that breaks the banks of a river and spreads out over the country. This crying was like being in the path of a flooding river.

The river started washing things along with it. The crying was washing away those old lonely feelings. My life was full of empty places where memories should have been and it had this hollow sound of longing and loneliness and the flood took it all and cleared it out. And it went on until I got washed out to sea and was floating there in peace at last.

I don’t know how I survived that flood of grief it was so strong and that is the honest truth. Don’t even know how long I was crying. Never cried so much or so long and it was about my mum who I never met.

The crying steadied up and the flood drained away but the floating out to sea stayed for a while and I was on the floor and couldn’t stand up for a long time. When I could move again I was aching all over. The Rev was looking at what was happening and he was OK to just let it happen until I could get into a chair again.

That prayer by the Rev came straight from outer space and that is how I got to be cleaned up by that river and that is the amazing truth and I am still a bit weird about that crying, and more than a bit I can tell you.

I like the way it has left me and I don’t have to blame myself for my mum dying any more. And it all came about coz I thought I was safe but the Rev asked that shocker of a question about ‘Why me?’

I lost an hour of my life in that flood on the Rev’s floor but the chronology has started up again and there’s a new life coming.

Love,

Clem.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 24
MEGA-APOLOGELATO - HA HA

Dear Gram

I feel like I’ve been knocking forever on some door trying to get into my own life. But when the door finally opened I found that I’d been knocking from the inside. The world’s a different place.

There’s a birthday on my mind which is coming closer every minute. Yeehar! Dad gave me my bike even before my birthday and now he’s planning something else.

‘Can you handle a little surprise in a few days?’ he said and I said, ‘OK,’ with a big grin. It’s getting like I need wider cheek bones.

Got home from school on Friday arvo and Dad and I have been looking at each other and grinning ever since. It’s as if we both know what’s coming up but not telling. Well, I don’t know what, but something sure is cooking, I can tell by his eyes.

I am burning up inside about this birthday and the Screamin’ Demon is waiting as much as I am. That bike has a happy heart. We both only have to wait until tomorrow.

Violet and her mum and dad came for a BBQ today. I had a rubber chicken sitting there and I gave it to Mr Carter. ‘You can do the cooking,’ I told him. Violet started giggling and I could tell her mum was trying hard to hold it in as well.

Mr Carter said with a big grin, ‘It looks like we are all going hungry.’

I said, ‘I am mega apologelato about that,’ and grinned back.

‘Mega what?’ he asked.

‘I am mega apologelato, which is Italian for being so sorry that I will buy everyone an ice-cream.’

Well, Violet got the giggles so bad she couldn’t stop. Violet laughs like a waterfall in the mountains and I just want to dive right in. I love that.

We got the cooking done and Dad and me were being fully funny talking with each other across the table.

Dad said, ‘I’ve been thinking. Clem. Thought I’d get myself another bike so we could go riding together. What do you reckon? Been a long time since I had a bike.’

‘That’d be good.’ I added, ‘Think you could handle the track at school?’

‘Easy.’

‘What about down the gully?’

‘A mate of mine is the gully-master. I’ll get him to teach me.’

‘That means you’ll have a better teacher than I did.’

Violet was giggling again and I nearly cracked up.

‘I’ll have to get proper riding shirt and pants. That sound OK to you, Clem? I’m not too old for proper riding gear am I?’

‘What if I help you with the shopping? You can pay me commission.’

‘What about a crash hat? I like the one Ned Kelly used to wear.’

‘With a head like that you need a crash hat?’

And we were talking like that with each other and with Mr and Mrs Carter laughing along with us and Violet giggling all the way. Dad and I had the funnest time ever.

But tomorrow is the day.

Love from Clem.

A NEW DAY

Dear Mum

It’s October 25th, and we know what that means.

‘Happy birthday, dear Clem.’ You would want to say that to me, I know it. It’s been a long time coming, but I was born for days like this.

Got up early coz I didn’t want to miss anything today. Dad was getting breakfast already. How did he manage to cook up a bunch of toast without waking me up? You sure picked a special bloke, and am I glad.

He said, ‘Happy Birthday, Clem,’ and we gave each other a big hug. That’s not the usual but we both just did it. Felt good, too, and I couldn’t help but think of you.

I thought he might say something about buying his new bike so we could go riding together, but he pulled out a big parcel instead.

That parcel was heavy and gnarly and there was no telling what was in there. But inside were pants like Robocop and a tag with Dad’s work logo on it. They were thick and industrial and definitely not mountain bike pants and inside those pants there was this yellow layer of Kevlar protection.

I said to Dad, ‘These are funny bike pants,’ and he said, ‘Here is the next parcel.’

And inside the next parcel, which was just as lumpy through the paper, there was this jacket and I could see straight off that it was a wicked motorbike jacket and it had his logo on the sleeve and I looked at Dad and he said, ‘Come and see my new toy.’

Dad stood up and I had to hurry to catch him up. He went quick to the shed and turned on the light and there was this madaz Aprilia Pegaso 650 Trail. There were two helmets there on the seat and he gave me one that had Ned Kelly painted on it and said, ‘This helmet is for you, Clem. Happy birthday.’

I was standing there in shock and Dad’s eyes were sparkly out there in the shed and he said, ‘There’s a pillion seat and room for a passenger and I will be full-on careful with you on the back.’

And that is the honest truth fully straight-up I can tell you.