The Way I Used to Be (40 page)

“It wasn't that far. I felt like walking anyway.”

“I don't like you in there,” he mumbles.

We walk in silence to the parking garage.

“I should probably drive, huh?” I ask, watching him sway back and forth.

“Here,” he says, tossing his car keys to me.

After I adjust the seat and mirror, I decide to light a cigarette—no more secrets. He looks at me like he's about to chide me, his kid sister, but then he looks forward and says, “Can I bum one?”

I feel myself grin as I hand him mine and light up another.

He tries to smile at me. We drive home, finishing our cigarettes in silence.

I park the car in the street. “Edy, wait,” he says as I start to get out.

“Yeah?”

Uncomfortable, he does one of his half-shrug-head-shake gestures and opens his mouth, taking a few extra seconds for the words to come. “I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Edy.” He looks me in the eye. “I'm your brother. And I love you. That's all. I don't know what else to say.”

I think that's really all I ever wanted to hear from him. “You'll stay with me when I tell Mom and Dad?”

He nods. “Yeah.”

He holds my hand as we walk up the driveway. It feels like it's a million miles away, like it's taken a million years to finally get here. But it gives me a chance to think. And I think: Maybe I'll explain this to some people. Maybe Mara. Maybe I'll apologize to some people. Maybe Steve. Maybe I'll try a real relationship someday, one without all the lies and games. Maybe I'll go to college, even, and maybe I'll figure out that I'm actually good at something. Maybe he'll get what he deserves. Maybe not. Maybe I'll never find it in my heart to forgive him. And maybe there's nothing wrong with that, either. All these maybes swimming around my head make me think that “maybe” could just be another word for hope.

Though this book is a work of fiction, I recognize the millions of real-life teens who have, in some way, shared Eden's experience. Unfortunately, theirs are not new stories, but they are ones that need desperately to be told. Over and over and over.

If you need to speak with someone, there are people who will listen. There are people who will help. For free, confidential, secure support, visit the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network at
rainn.org
or call the RAINN hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE.

I must acknowledge the tenacity, passion, and extraordinary work of Jessica Regel, who helped to shape this book in ways that far exceeded anything I could've ever imagined or expected from an agent—thank you, Jess, for believing in this book and fighting so hard to make sure it saw the light of day!

Sincerest thanks are also due to my editor, Rūta Rimas, for being such an incredible partner on this journey, for taking a leap of faith on a new author, and most of all, for your sensitive, thoughtful, and discerning work on this book—thank you for being one of those rare people who just
gets
it.

And an extended shout-out to all the wonderful, dedicated, and talented people at Margaret K. McElderry Books, Simon & Schuster, and Foundry Literary + Media, who have helped to turn what was once a dream into reality.

I am infinitely indebted to my family, to my inspiring and supportive friends, and to Holly, my best friend and the brave soul who graciously served as this book's first reader way back when.

Lastly, I am grateful for life's many mentors and guides, for the good and the bad, for the never-ending ebb and flow.

MARGARET K. M
C
ELDERRY BOOKS

An imprint of Simon & Schuster Children's Publishing Division

1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, New York 10020

www.SimonandSchuster.com

This book is a work of fiction. Any references to historical events, real people, or real places are used fictitiously. Other names, characters, places, and events are products of the author's imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or places or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

Text copyright © 2016 by Amber Smith

Jacket photograph copyright © 2016 by Kevin Twomey

All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form.

M
ARGARET
K. M
C
E
LDERRY
B
OOKS
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Book design by Debra Sfetsios

The text for this book is set in Minion Pro.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Smith, Amber.

The way I used to be / Amber Smith. — First edition.

pages cm.

Summary: “After fourteen-year-old Eden is raped by her brother's best friend, she knows she'll never be the way she used to be.” — Provided by publisher.

ISBN 978-1-4814-4935-9

ISBN 978-1-4814-4937-3 (eBook)

[1. Rape—Fiction. 2. Emotional problems—Fiction.] I. Title.

PZ7.1.S595 Way 2016

[Fic]—dc23  2015003952