The Vampire Blog (6 page)

‘Yeah, just wait until my mum and dad
get back,' I said grimly, ‘and I can thank them properly.'

5.45 p.m.

‘Hey, Mum,' I said, when she finally turned up from wherever she'd been hiding. ‘Thanks so much for finding Karl with a K for me.'

And she thought I was being serious. ‘Well, it was a bit of luck actually because we'd really lost touch with your Aunt Kate and Uncle Chris as they travel around so much …'

‘Er, Mum, actually …' I began.

But I couldn't stop her burbling on. ‘And I knew Karl would be the person to help you – so I wrote to them at the last address I could find for them. Your uncle and aunt are away again, but Karl had to stay behind as he's revising for an exam. And when he read my letter he just sped over here, which is wonderful, as we can't have seen him for years.'

‘Mum!' I practically shouted. ‘Do me a favour, will you? Send Karl home again now because he's without doubt the most annoying person I've ever met.'

‘What's wrong with him?' demanded Mum.

‘Where do I start? He's astonishingly bigheaded—'

‘No, he's not,' interrupted Mum.

‘Mum, have you actually spoken to him? He thinks he's the greatest vamp the world has ever seen; also—'

‘Oh, honestly, Ved,' interrupted Mum, sounding both exasperated and upset. ‘You can be so difficult sometimes. Karl has come a long way just to help you. Can't you be grateful?'

‘No.'

‘Well, we're all going out tonight.'

‘And where exactly are we going?'

Mum hesitated for just a moment. ‘We're going to the local graveyard, actually.'

11.30 p.m.

Yeah, that was our cheery destination. It was a very cold night, so the place was deserted, apart from us and a few bats.

‘Just feel this wonderful atmosphere,' said Mum. ‘It's so peaceful, isn't it?'

‘That's because everyone here is
dead
, Mum,' I said. ‘So they're not exactly
going to be making a racket, are they?'

Dad put a hand on my shoulder. ‘Just stop the jokes for a few minutes, Ved. Now, doesn't this place make you feel wonderful?'

‘No, sorry, but it really doesn't.' Mum and Dad were so disappointed at this answer that they both had to look away.

‘I know what'll change his mind,' said Karl. He slowly and proudly put on his vampire cape. ‘I am Count Karl,' he said. ‘And I am proud to be a vamp.' Then, before I knew what was happening, he'd put back his head and let out the most gruesome, grisly, bloodtingling howl you've ever heard.

‘Now, what about that?' asked Dad.

‘I thought it was only werewolves who howled,' I said.

Mum, Dad and Karl all looked very shocked now. ‘Werewolves are amateurs compared to us,' said Dad firmly. ‘And whenever you hear a strange howling noise in the middle of the night, that's bound to be a half-vampire.'

‘You can't hold me back when it comes to howling,' said Karl. ‘I practise every single night.'

‘Noisy or what?' I said.

‘OK, Ved,' said Karl. ‘You're looking at me and thinking: I can never be as good at howling as him. And you probably can't. But practice is the key that opens the door of opportunity, so start practising now, Ved.'

‘We brought your cape,' said Mum. And she handed it to me, almost shyly.

‘Put it on then,' said Dad.

I flung on the cape. Felt so stupid in it, as if I were at a fancy dress or something. But Mum and Dad made ‘Oh don't you look smart' noises, and Karl said, ‘You'll grow into it in time.'

‘Now, just howl as loud as you like,' said Dad.

‘Really make our skin crawl,' said Karl.

‘You can copy me if you like,' he added.

And I did try. I mean, I didn't want to be a half-vampire. But I wanted to show them – well, Karl mainly – that I could be one of them if I wanted. So I concentrated hard and then out of my mouth came the sound a startled guinea pig might make, only not so scary.

There was a shocked silence. ‘That was terrible, wasn't it?' I said.

‘You were nervous,' said Mum.

‘You need to take a few more deep breaths,' said Dad.

‘Maybe I was too good – and put you off ?' suggested Karl.

I was determined to do better, so this time I took three very deep breaths, and after each one came a sharp hissing sound. Now I was warmed up and ready to roar. So then I released my second howl. And if a butterfly ever burped – well that's exactly what it would have sounded like.

It was beyond pathetic.

I tottered back in shame. No one spoke. Dad was staring down at a freshly dug grave, looking as if he'd quite like to jump right inside it. Mum had a fixed grin seemingly stuck on to her face.

Finally Karl said, ‘I think you're going to need a lot of help, Ved.'

Back home Mum said to me, ‘We know you did your best.' I don't think people should ever be allowed to say that, as it only reminds you of how rubbish you've been.

Then Mum left me to read a book about vampires (‘It just might help you,' she said hopefully) while she, Dad and Karl whispered in the doorway.

I heard Karl say, ‘I've seen vamps as bad as Ved.' And then, after a slight pause, ‘No, actually he's the worst vamp I've ever seen.'

Now, I should be pleased by what happened tonight, as I don't want to be a vamp, or anything like Karl. And believe me, I am. But I'm also more than a bit ashamed.

Tuesday 9 October
12.45 p.m.

All over the school posters have sneaked up saying: ‘M.I.S. RULES' and ‘I DRINK YOUR BLOOD'. No wonder Townley has been stomping around in a furious mood. But when I congratulated Tallulah she gave me a really icy stare and said, ‘I'm waiting for you to try and say something funny now.'

‘No jokes at all,' I said. ‘Just congratulations.'

She stared at me for a long moment before saying, ‘Oh well, thanks.'

4.30 p.m.

Mum's just told me Karl had to rush away to sit his exam. This is the best news I have had for ages. Only he has threatened to return.

Still, I had two more visitors waiting for me tonight – I tell you, I've never had such a busy social life. It was the doctor again. Only this time he'd brought his chum with him: a thin unsmiling woman clutching the biggest clipboard you've ever seen. The moment the doctor started talking she was off, scribbling away.

Mum hovered nervously in the background (Dad was away for the night at a conference) while the doctor said in his breezy way, ‘I hear you're having a few problems. Still, we mustn't be down-hearted, must we?' Then he produced a magnifying glass and started peering at me through it. ‘Now, I don't want you to worry at all. I'm just going to look into your right eye.'

‘I've got a left eye too,' I said. ‘In fact, they're what you might call a matching pair.'

‘Now, just relax and forget all about me,' he said. Then he started saying weird numbers like C6 and B7 the way dentists do
sometimes, while Little Miss Sunshine wrote away furiously on her clipboard.

‘No, nothing to worry about there,' he said.

‘How are your bowel movements?' asked the woman suddenly, gazing intently at me over the clipboard.

‘They're very well, thank you. How are yours?'

‘Are you constipated?' she snapped.

‘No, my name's Marcus Howlett,' I said.

‘And I don't know anyone called constipated. Bit of a strange name really.'

‘Stop trying to be funny, dear,' murmured Mum, ‘and answer the questions.'

I said, ‘OK, my bowel movements are just fantastic – in fact, you can watch them any time you like.'

‘Now, young man,' said the doctor, ‘remember we're here to help you overcome a few tiny problems. So would you open your mouth and give us a lovely, loud vampire call?'

‘What! Here? Now?' I said.

‘Yes, please.'

‘In front of Miss Clipboard?' I went on.

‘Come along now, nice big howl,' urged the doctor.

Well, my heart was thumping as I was still a bit upset about my dismal howling yesterday. And I couldn't believe I was going to do any better in the sitting room with an audience gawping at me.

‘Do it, please,' urged Mum.

‘Oh, all right,' I said. I closed my eyes and tried. Honestly I did. But I sounded exactly like a field mouse gargling. Then I opened my eyes to see three very depressed faces. ‘That wasn't any good, was it?' I said. ‘In fact, it was total rubbish.'

The doctor knelt down in front of me. ‘Ved,' he said.

‘Oh, that's me, isn't it? I keep forgetting.'

‘I've examined you carefully and you're as bright as a button, in tip-top health. So the only problem is here inside your head. Your emotions are in a whirl right now. Don't fight the vampire side of you.'

‘I'm not,' I said, which I admit was a lie.

‘It's just, well, you heard that howl. I haven't got a vampire side.'

‘Oh, yes you have,' said the doctor firmly. ‘Go on resisting and you're turning your back on your destiny.'

‘Wow,' I muttered. ‘Big stuff. But answer me this, Doc: what happens if my howl doesn't improve?'

And then something else flashed into his eyes. It came and went so swiftly. But for a moment I'm certain terror looked out at me. He quickly recovered though and said, ‘Your howling will improve and those all-important cravings will come. The only block is you: you're choked up with fears and anxieties. So come on, relax and let your special-ness come through.' He stood up. ‘Well, I shall look in on you again soon.'

‘Groovy – and make sure you bring your friend with you, won't you?' I said, nodding at the woman still writing away on her clipboard. ‘As she's great fun.'

10.15 p.m.

Well, the doctor's right about one thing: my emotions are in a whirl. I feel confused and all churned up inside and there's nobody I can talk to about any of this. Not one person – apart from you, blog.

But it comes down to this. I don't want to be a half-vampire and call myself Ved. And
surely I should be allowed to choose. No one else.

JUST ME.

Wednesday 10 October
6.05 p.m.

Dad's gone totally mad now. He shouted at me tonight, ‘We've been very patient and tried to understand, but enough is enough. Start co-operating – or else, no TV or computer games for a week.'

‘By co-operating … you mean, what?'

‘I think you know,' interrupted Dad. ‘It's time you were pulled into line. And that punishment is just the start.'

‘Dad, you can't bully me into being a half-vampire, you know.' And I stormed upstairs.

6.35 p.m.

Dad's just called me downstairs. Air was quite dark, I can tell you. And I was ready to say all sorts of stuff, I was so worked up. But instead, Dad stared at the ground and said, ‘I'm very sorry for what I said earlier tonight to you. It was wrong. I want to help you, but
not like that. Will you please accept my apology?'

‘Well, I don't think you'll make that mistake again,' I said. (I've always wanted to say that to an adult.) ‘So yes, I will accept your apology.' And then we shook hands for several seconds.

9.50 p.m.

Neither Dad nor Mum has said another word about cravings or half-vampires all evening. I'm not sure why they've suddenly clamped up. They keep whispering away in the kitchen though.

Thursday 11 October
11.15 a.m.

There are stickers in just about every room in the school now saying: ‘M.I.S. RULES'. Tallulah has organized this operation really well. And Joel tells me there's now a waiting list of people who want to be M.I.S. members.

8.30 p.m.

Karl is back. He pretended he'd just dropped
by. But really he was here to give me a pep talk. Mum and Dad melted away as soon as he appeared.

He swaggered around the sitting room. ‘So what's happening … what's new?' he asked. Before I could answer he leaned over me and hissed, ‘You still haven't had your cravings?'

‘No, I haven't.'

He shook his head. ‘And the doctor's called?'

‘Oh yeah, he's round here nearly as often as you are,' I said.

‘I'm going to be honest with you, Ved,' he said, suddenly stern. ‘You're becoming a bit of an embarrassment. In fact, do you know what you remind me of ?'

‘Amaze me,' I said.

‘A little kid who's at the swimming pool and he sees all his mates and his mum and dad in the water, but he can't jump in with them because he's too scared. So he runs around the pool saying, “Ooh, ooh, I don't want to get into the water because I'm frightened.” That's how I see you right now.'

‘Just one thing,' I said. ‘I can swim.'