The Unlikely Hero of Room 13B (10 page)

“Come on!” He waved from across the street and saw them as Father Rick would see them. Thor, at six foot three, wore a black T-shirt and black ripped jeans accessorized with multiple piercings and sleeve tattoos. Captain America, Robyn and Adam wore their various school uniforms. His looked the least superhero-like, since both the
jacket and pants were now so pathetically short that he was solidly into dork territory. So was Robyn’s skirt, but that just looked supremely outstanding. Iron Man looked like page 23 of the boys’ section in the Sears catalogue, and Wonder Woman wore a too-tight pink hoodie, which was nicely balanced by a too-short blue jean miniskirt. Snooki wore those legging things and a massive floaty top that was kind of see-through. Okay, not just kind of. Green Lantern was the most regular-looking guy in the whole group, but then it was a pretty low bar.

“It’s okay.” Adam waved them closer. “I’m clear now.”

He held the door open. He’d done it. Adam had done a ritual in public and the world hadn’t ended. Good to know. It seemed that he had crossed more than one threshold. Big breath in, big breath out.

“Let’s go, guys!”

“Holy shit!” said Captain America as soon as they got into the vestibule.

Snooki smacked him in the arm. “You can’t say
shit
in a church, right, Batman? Especially the Catholic kind.” Snooki spoke with unassailable authority because the entire
Jersey Shore
cast was of good Italian-Catholic stock.

Adam nodded. His stomach constricted to the size of an acorn, giving the fear more room to roam around.

“Okay, sorry,
Jesus
,” said Captain America, rubbing his arm.

She smacked him again.

“Wow!” said Robyn and Iron Man at the same time.

Even the vestibule was designed to inspire awe, hinting at the Gothic arches to be found inside. Adam took it in as if for the first time.

“What are those?” asked Wolverine pointing to the two receptacles on either side of the entrance to the nave.

“The fonts for the holy water,” explained Adam.

“Holy water? Now that
is
righteous. How much can we take?” asked Wolverine.

“Uh, you don’t, uh,
take
the … I’ll show you in a sec.”

“When do we kneel? Do we kneel here before we go in?” asked Iron Man. “I know Catholics are big on kneeling. That’s what my mom always says.”

“No. You don’t have to kneel everywhere.” What
had
he got himself into? Adam was now deep into free-form sweating. “You just kneel before the Eucharist.”

“Ohhh,” they all said, still completely clueless.

“Batman.” Thor leaned over to him and growled, “Kid, you gotta get new pants; those are going to be shorts by next week.”

What was it with this guy? No one knew he had a voice for months and now he was a fashion maven?

“Okay, so quick one before we go in, guys? Guys?” Much to his surprise, they stopped pointing and asking and touching long enough to turn and face him. “Right. So, Robyn, those receptacles with the holy water?” She nodded. “It’s the same deal as for the sign of the cross, except you dip your forefinger and middle finger first.” Everyone turned to Robyn. “Uh, maybe do it out loud so the rest of the, uh, of us can hear you.”

“Okay.” Robyn floated over to the font and followed his instructions.

“Like this guys, watch.”

Everyone rushed to the receptacle, eager to give it a try. They followed her movements exactly, but crashed around on the actual words, which came out more like one long mumble:
Nameyourfatherhasasonandhisholyspiritsamen
.

“Close enough,” said Adam. “Let’s go in.”

They formed a double line of three behind him.

“Wow!”

“Holy shit! OW! Sorry already!”

“Man, catch those windows!”

Their tight double line disintegrated about halfway up the nave as everyone fanned out taking in different wonders.

The church, praise the Lord, was empty. A miracle in itself, since there was usually a smattering of little old ladies in the pews doing the rosary or waiting for a glimpse of Father Rick.

“Wow, look at that, will ya!” Adam walked right into Snooki’s pointed finger. Everybody stopped. Everybody looked.

High above the marble altar and well in front of the hundred-year-old stained-glass window was a massive suspended bronze Christ nailed to a wooden cross.

“Christ!” said Iron Man.

“Exactly,” said Wonder Woman.

They were riveted. The scarred and protruding ribs,
every perforated wound, the nails fixed through his hands and feet, the crown of thorns, and the excruciating, silent pain rose off the warm bronze to greet them.

“Come on, guys, this way. I was going to take Robyn to the candles. They’re on the far side of the sanctuary.” No one moved. He might as well have been speaking in Latin. “Guys? You can drop some coins into the slot, but it’s not a requirement. And you can light a candle for someone you loved and cared about who is no longer here.” They nodded but didn’t move, still hypnotized by the suspended Christ on the cross.

“Awesome,” said Green Lantern. “I swear he’s breathing.”

“I feel like I’m going to cry. Am I having a religious experience? Is this what that’s like?” asked Wonder Woman.

“Naw,” said Wolverine. “You just cry a lot.”

That broke the spell. They tore themselves away from the Christ to take in the sweeping Gothic arches, the marble and the majesty of all those stained-glass windows.

“Are we going to need a lighter?” asked Captain America. “I got a lighter for my doobies. I got a lighter. Do we need a lighter? In fact, I hate to break it to you, man, but there is a distinct aroma of doobieness in here.”

“That’s incense,” said Adam, and he was reminded that a thousand things could go wrong here. Actually, he was pretty much counting on it, but trying not to
count
on it.

“I’m just going to run back to the water thingy for a sec,” said Wonder Woman.

“No! I mean, no, you don’t need a lighter, and no, sorry, but you can’t go back and use the holy water to wash up.”

“I so was not—”

“Yeah, you
so
were,” said Snooki.

“Let’s just go over to those candles, okay?” Adam did a quick three-sixty—still safe: no priests, no nuns.

The stand of candles was under an incandescent statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary. The stand itself was about four feet by two feet—four votive candles deep and twenty-four long, for a total of ninety-six candles. This was unbearable, of course, so he immediately removed a votive and placed it under the stand. The superheroes said nothing. They assumed that he had just performed some Catholic ritual that was necessary before non-Catholics could start lighting stuff.

“It’s so, so pretty!” said Robyn somewhere behind him.

Adam nodded. He was lost in counting out the lit candles. Thirty-three. That was okay, and whatever the number was after they were through, he would come in and correct the outcome. Yes. And that calmed him: thirty-three flickering lights. Thirty-three was good.

Robyn was still gushing. “Proletarians don’t have this stuff, I’m sure of it. I’m definitely signing up.”

Adam turned in time to see Wolverine smile at her. Wolverine made a big show of reaching into his pocket and pulling out a ten. “I’ve got this covered for all of us, so long as Robyn goes first and has her pick.”

Adam felt like hurling.

“Thanks, Wolverine. That’s so sweet.”

Sweet my ass. Who does he think he is?

Each superhero lit at least one candle, Snooki lit seven, and they each executed the sign of the cross with varying
degrees of success. Adam’s head buzzed as he tried to track the number of candles lit as well as where Wolverine was in relationship to Robyn at any given moment.

He had no early-warning system. The voice came out of nowhere and everywhere, all at once.

“Can I help you?”

Father Rick. Damn.

“Adam Ross, is that you? Adam, how great to see you!”

Led by Thor, the superheroes instantly and as one knelt on the granite floor and executed the world’s messiest signs of the cross.

“Well!” Father Rick stopped cold. “Well?” He looked to Adam and back to the seven kneeling superheroes. “What are you guys doing?”

“Batman said Catholics kneel when they see the Eucharist,” said Iron Man helpfully. Except for Adam they were all still kneeling.

Father Rick turned back to Adam, who threw up his hands because he honest to God didn’t know what else to do.

“How’s it going, Father?”

You could tell that the priest was sucking back a smile. He waited, seeming to gather himself. “Please get up, guys. I’m flattered, but I am not the Eucharist. I’m just a normal man who happens to be a priest.”

Yeah, right
, thought Adam. He watched his crew rise, confused but eager for the next test.

“Adam?”

Okay, how to explain? “These are my …” Adam was so nervous he couldn’t remember anyone’s Christian name
and he couldn’t very well introduce everyone by their superhero handles. “They’re my friends.” And in the saying, it was true. “So this is uh … um—”

“Hi, Father. I’m Robyn!” Robyn leapt up and curtsied. “Adam’s helping me to be a Catholic!”

“Is he, now?” said Father Rick, who to his credit did not look the least bit surprised.

“Yup, and I’m loving it so far—love, love, love!” she gushed. “The holy water was great, by the way, and I’m big into the rosary thing and the sign of the cross, of course. I’ve also got one of your pamphlets with, like, the top ten Catholic prayers on it. So I’m pretty much there, right?” Father Rick looked faintly alarmed. “Oh look, I know I’m going to have to take classes or go to Rome or something, but I’m getting ready to sign up for the whole deal.”

The priest nodded encouragingly at his potential new congregant.

“Real nice place you got here, Father.”

“Thank you, Mr.…?”

“Wolverine,” said Wolverine, extending his hand.

“Wolverine,” Father Rick repeated. “Mr. Wolverine. If I may, for just a moment …” He extended his arm toward Adam and led him away from the still semi-kneeling superheroes.

“I’m happy to see you branching out in your friendships, son.” He glanced back at the group. “Do you still see the Jewish boy? I liked him. When you were little, you two were joined at the hip.”

“Ben? Yeah, sure. Stones and me, we’re still tight. He’s just moved and he’s definitely not so little anymore. You
wouldn’t recognize him. I’m, like you said, just branching out a bit.”

The priest smiled and frowned at the same time. It was a signature Father Rick expression.

“They’re my
Group
. Capital G, you know? We, uh, help each other. Weekly.”

“Oh, got it! Sure. That’s good, fine. Excellent.” The priest glanced back at them. “And how’s your mother doing?”

Okay, welcome to my landmine
. He
could not, would not
betray his mom. But this was Father Rick! Adam was a pretty fair liar, maybe even a gifted one, but he would lie to nuns only when there was no other choice, to priests only in extreme emergencies and to Father Rick never. To lie to a priest, especially to the priest who you made your First Communion with
and
your Confirmation
and
who used to hear your confessions even as they started to go whack … well, that could land you some awesomely serious time in Purgatory.

Adam looked at his feet. “So yeah, Dad’s real good, Father, and … Look, we paid for the candles. Wolverine, the guy you talked to? Well, he stuck a tenner in the slot. You can check.”

“I see. I think.” Father Rick blew out of his lips in a way that made his cheeks flutter. It was one of his best tricks. It used to break Adam up at mass. “Well, I like your new friends, Adam. They’re … eager. My door will be open whenever
any
of you need it to be. You’re welcome here is all I’m trying to say. Whenever and always. Welcome back.” He nodded at Adam before heading back to the sacristy.

Adam felt lonelier as soon as the priest turned around. He missed this: the candles, Father Rick’s weirdo way of knowing stuff without being told.

Didn’t matter. Not important. He started for the candles.

“Okay, guys, have you had a chance to say a prayer for whoever? There’s an evening mass, so folks will start coming in soon.” Most of them seemed to be reluctant to leave.

“He was real sweet, your padre,” said Snooki. “I thought Catholic priests were … I don’t know, way scarier. Have you ever seen
The Devil Inside
or the far superior cult classic
The Exorcist?
”

“Uh, no on the movies and, yeah, he can be major decent.” They were almost at the doors by the time Adam’s body realized that they were near the doors. And there it was. No! That hardly ever happened.
Not going
out
too? Not here
,
not with them. No!
Adam stopped short.

Snooki caught it. Confused at first, she crooked her head this way and that. Her earrings swatted her shoulders. “Okay,” she said brightly. “So we’ll meet you outside, right?”