The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution: Gentle Ways to Make Good-bye Easy from Six Months to Six Years (7 page)

those problems that
you
feel are problems. Every family views separa-

tion anxiety issues differently. Just because there is a chapter about

how to help your baby accept a babysitter, it doesn’t mean you have

to hire one. If you are happy taking your baby along with you on

your night out—then go right ahead and do that. Just because there

is a chapter about how to help your child adjust to daycare, it doesn’t

mean that every child should attend daycare; it means that
if
your

child is struggling in this area and you’d like to help him adjust and

become happy in the situation,
then
I will provide you with ideas to

help you make that change. On the other hand, if you decide that

it’s best to pass on daycare for now and simply keep your child at

home with you, then that may be
your
best solution. Many children

bypass the daycare experience—and some even bypass the preschool

experience—yet go on to be perfectly well-adjusted and happy kids

with lots of friends once they begin kindergarten. I know because I

had one of those children!

18 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Braedon, six months old

As part of the process, consider why you feel the issue needs to

be solved. Is this truly something that must be addressed for your

child’s emotional growth? Is this situation the absolute best one for

everyone in the family? Are you considering changes because of your

own memories of childhood, input from outsiders, or worries about

potential problems, or is this something that is truly affecting your

child and must be addressed now?

There’s a fl ip side to outside infl uences as well. It comprises the

other half of the population, who feels you are making the wrong

decision when you address your child’s anxiety by doing what’s neces-

sary to move her forward. Once you have decided it’s time to let your

child take a separation step, whether it’s going to camp, a playdate,

or daycare, you should never accept guilt-infl icting comments that

encouraging your child’s separation is a bad thing or that you are

being selfi sh or neglectful! It is a wonderful thing to help your child

become more independent. And it’s great to be able to go on a date

night, take a class, go to work, have lunch with friends, or use the

bathroom all by yourself, and leave your child in the care of another

All About Separation Anxiety in Early Childhood
19

loving, competent adult. Your child can blossom while in the care of

someone other than you. There is an added benefi t for your child—

the value of learning how to interact with many different kinds of

people outside your immediate family.

There are no cookie-cutter solutions to any parenting problem,

including separation anxiety. I will provide an assortment of ideas for

you to choose from for each situation. Pick one, pick two, or combine

a variety of ideas to create a personalized plan for your child. Then

adjust and modify your plan as you go until you fi nd the right solu-

tion. That’s how the process of raising children works best.

With this important concept in mind, let’s start with a crucial

principle that I urge you to keep as a guiding light throughout the

rest of this book—and for that matter, the rest of your life. This con-

cept can be applied to almost any parenting decision you’ll face from

now through grandchildren, and even your
great-
grandchildren.

The No-Cry Process for Peaceful Problem Solving

There are no absolute rules about raising children and no guar-

antees for any parenting techniques. Raise your children as

you choose to raise them in ways that are right for you. Within

the range of your comfort zone, modify your approach for

each of your children based on their needs, personality, and

temperament.

Address only those problems that you believe are true

problems, and don’t create or imagine problems because some-

one else thinks you have them, no matter if that person is family,

friend, or expert.

Keep your problems in perspective and take ample time to

plot the best course of action. Solve your problems by analyzing

possible solutions and choosing those that are right for you and

your family. Know that there is rarely one right answer, and often

you must take multiple routes to get to the best destination.

Read, listen, and learn constantly, but always sift what you

learn through the strainer of your own personal beliefs and par-

enting philosophy.

20 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Mother-Speak

“Luke was a mega-attached baby. I couldn’t leave him with a

babysitter, couldn’t leave his side at the park, or couldn’t leave

the room without him melting down. Heck, I couldn’t even

use the bathroom without having him by my side! People told

me I was being oversensitive to his needs and I should let

him grow up—which seemed ridiculous to me. Since when is

it necessary for a baby to be in a rush to grow up? Especially

when so much of what I’ve done in his life has been to create

a strong bond between us. That bond is worth its weight in

gold to me.

“Yet I still found I wanted to have a dinner out with adults

or go for a jog without pushing the stroller. I didn’t know how

to achieve this without Luke crying. So I fi gured I’d go to the

No-Cry expert for advice, and I’m so glad I did!

“Since I’ve been working on the ideas you gave me, I’ve

changed my approach. I’ve been patient and responsive to his

cues, but I’ve also started giving him space when the opportu-

nity presents itself. We’ve played the separation games. I have

taken things step-by-step, with lots of reassurance. I carefully

present him with new situations, explain them beforehand,

and then ease him into them gradually. I recently gave Luke

his very own Magic Bracelet when he went overnight to his

grandmother’s house, and it was truly magic. They had a great

time—with no crying!

“I have to tell you that Luke is so secure now that he’s count-

ing off the days until preschool starts on the wall calendar,

and he happily goes off to the health club daycare—and any-

where else, for that matter, anytime he’s invited. He’s become

quite a social butterfl y. Now I’m the one having separation

anxiety!”

—Gloria, mother of four-year-old Luke

2

No-Cry Solutions for

Babies and Toddlers

From the time that babies become aware of the world around

them, they begin to form important relationships with the people

in their lives. They quickly learn that certain people are vital to their

happiness and survival. Babies and toddlers don’t have the ability to

understand how the world works, so they don’t know what makes

these people appear or disappear, and when they are out of sight, the

little ones have no way of knowing if their beloved people are gone

forever. Babies and toddlers crave the nearness of those they love, so

to protect themselves from potential loss, they use the only methods

they have available to them to express their feelings: they cry and

they cling.

Try to embrace separation anxiety as a positive sign. It’s perfectly

okay—even wonderful—for your child to be so attached to you and

for her to desire your constant companionship. It’s evidence that the

bond you’ve worked so hard to create is holding. So politely ignore

those who tell you otherwise.

Over time, your little one will learn that when the two of you

are separated everything is just fi ne and other people are capable of

meeting her needs. She’ll also learn through experience that you

always return eventually. It will take time, however, for your child to

mature enough to reach this point. Until then, to help her learn to

understand, accept, and deal with separation, try some of the follow-

ing ideas.

21

22 The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution

Alex, nine months old

Play Peek-a-Boo with Objects

This time-honored game is a great way to teach your baby an impor-

tant concept that will allow him to begin to understand the founda-

tion of separation: things exist even if he can’t see them, and when

they go, they come back. This will be helpful when it’s
you
that is

gone and cannot be seen. Take an opportunity during playtime to

hide toys under blankets or containers and then pull them back out

again with a fl ourish. When you put something under a blanket, you

can sometimes let your baby feel it from the top to show that the

object is still there. Or put something in a jar and rattle it around,

then slowly pull it out little by little. Let your baby have a turn with

the toy hiding too, and then you can fi nd it with a joyful hurrah.

A great variation on this game is to use a toy house and toy people

and show them going in and out and around. Get creative here and

show them driving off in a car, going to the offi ce or grocery store or

wherever you go when you leave the house. Always have a pleasant

good-bye and a happy moment when they arrive back home. Play the

game often for the best learning effect.

No-Cry Solutions for Babies and Toddlers
23

Play Peek-a-Boo with People

Parents seem to play this game instinctually, and it’s more than just

for fun, it’s an important lesson for your baby. One step beyond peek-

a-boo with toys, this game actually demonstrates that people still

exist even when you can’t see them—and that they do return and it’s

fun when they come back.

There are many ways to play. You can hide your face behind your

hands or a blanket, or even behind your baby’s legs during diaper

changes. Stay hidden for a few seconds, and then you might ask,

“Where’s Mommy?” Pause while your baby processes the question

and then pop out and cheerfully announce, “Peek-a-boo! Here I am!”

Over time, hide more of your face and then hide for longer periods of

time. You can also use an object to cover your baby’s face (“Where’s

Baby?”) and then let
him
be the one to pop out.

Father-Speak

“I discovered that the games we have been playing with Mad-

die are working. I went out to the store for an hour, and when

I came back, she bounced up, threw up her arms, and yelled,