The Night Off (15 page)

Right now, this easy intimacy didn’t panic her nearly as much as it normally would’ve. She had no idea how she’d feel after she went home. How quickly she would forget how natural everything felt with Nat and remember how terrifying it was to need this companionship from someone who would probably just let her down in the end.

Emily didn’t want to forget. She didn’t want to leave.

“Thank you,” Emily murmured, snuggling into Nat’s embrace. “For this weekend. For everything.”

Nat hugged her tight. “Thank
you
.” She held Emily against her chest for the span of several breaths, seemingly reluctant to let her go. Finally she swallowed, took a deep breath, and said, “May I see you again?”

Here it was, the moment Emily had feared only yesterday. But now that it had come, her heart urged her to say yes while her mind struggled to come up with reasons why she shouldn’t. She didn’t want to never feel this way again. Being with Nat made her happy—something she hadn’t been in a very long time, if ever. So maybe she would get hurt. Perhaps it was worth eventual pain to experience this kind of bliss, even briefly. Besides, walking away now meant guaranteed suffering. She wasn’t ready to experience that loss yet.

Still, she didn’t know what she had to offer Nat, who deserved the very best. Aware that Nat might interpret her hesitation the wrong way, she said, “I’d like that, but—”

Nat stiffened, easing away so she could meet Emily’s gaze. “But?”

A pang of regret tore through Emily’s chest at the barely concealed anguish in Nat’s eyes. She knew Nat was waiting for rejection—that this sexy, handsome butch hovered on the verge of genuine heartache, over
her
—and she also knew that delivering a rejection would hurt them both. Which made it an extremely foolish thing to do.

Taking a deep breath, Emily tugged Nat back into her arms and kissed her cheek. “But I can’t make any promises with my schedule. Like I said, I only have a few months before Colleen leaves. As long as you’re cool with just getting together when we can, you know, and keeping it casual…”

Well, that wasn’t exactly what she’d wanted to say. But it made sense, she supposed, and gave her an out if she did think better of the whole thing later.

Nat nodded, rubbing her hands over Emily’s bare back. “I’ll take whatever I can get.” She paused, then said, “I really like you, Emily. I’ll try not to ask for more than you can give. I just appreciate having the chance to get to know you.” Her lips curled into a leer. “And fuck you some more, hopefully.”

Emily grinned. There was nothing wrong with having a friend with benefits, right? Having an outlet for her sexual desire would be a dream come true, and having a confidante, well, that really might be worth the risk of being disappointed one day. Emily drew her finger down over Nat’s pinup-girl tattoo, raising goose pimples in her wake. “I
can
promise plenty of fucking.”

Nat bit her lip. “Do you have time for one more round before you go?”

“No, I don’t think so.” Emily frowned. Sometimes being responsible sucked. “But if you give me your phone number, I’ll call later tonight to wish you sweet dreams.”

Nat accepted with a darkly seductive nod that made Emily wonder how she would ever find the strength to actually get out of bed. “Deal.”

Emily exhaled shakily. They’d both gotten a hell of a lot more than they’d bargained for this weekend, and Nat had been the brave one as far as taking chances. She owed it to Nat to take one of her own now, no matter how minor. “Hey, Nat?”

Nat held her hand. “Yes, sweet girl?”

“I really like you, too.”

When Emily arrived home an hour later, having crammed a quick shower, a passionate make-out session at Nat’s door, and a frantic drive to Colleen’s favorite pizza joint into a seemingly impossible amount of time, Colleen greeted her with an annoyed sigh from her spot on the couch. “Took you long enough.”

Emily kept her face impassive as she walked across the room and set the pizza box and two bottles of soda on the coffee table. “I told you I had some errands to run.”

“Well, I didn’t realize you’d be gone so long. Where were you? San Francisco?”

Willing her face not to redden at Colleen’s innocent interrogation, Emily glanced around, then sighed. “Did you get us plates and silverware?”

“Just eat with your hands.” Colleen flipped open the cardboard box, choosing the closest slice of pizza and taking a healthy bite. “You know, like a normal person.”

“How long have you known me, Colleen?” Emily walked into the kitchen, grabbing a plate, utensils, and napkins for both of them. “When have I ever been normal?”

“Good point.” Colleen watched her return to the living room, frowning. “Are you okay, Em? You’re walking a little funny.”

Leave it to Colleen to notice her gait, of all things. Emily couldn’t exactly tell her the truth—that a weekend of rough, passionate sex had left her satisfied but undeniably sore—so she took the path of least resistance and lied. “I got up to use the bathroom last night and ran into my dresser in the dark. Not a big deal, but I’m a little sore today.”

“Sorry.” Colleen chewed pensively, scanning her up and down as she sank onto her end of the couch. “Do you want me to get you some ibuprofen?”

Emily smiled. There was the kind, compassionate girl she knew and loved. “Thanks, but I’m okay. Really.”

“All right.” Colleen shrugged and reached for a second slice of pizza. “So did you have a chance to read the essay I wrote for that scholarship contest you wanted me to enter? It’s due tomorrow. I really want your opinion before I turn it in.”

Emily’s stomach sank. Damn. She’d forgotten about the essay Colleen had left on the kitchen table on Friday morning. Part of their deal about college was that she would pay for as much as possible as long as Colleen applied for as many scholarships as she could. Colleen’s grades had never been stellar, so they’d decided that essay contests were the way to go. Writing came naturally to Colleen, a fact that stirred Emily’s pride. She’d always made offering feedback on Colleen’s work, fiction or otherwise, her highest priority. That Colleen had a special talent—one she actually seemed interested in developing—meant the world. A talent could save a person, give them something to focus on. Focus was exactly what Colleen needed.

That’s why the realization that Colleen’s essay was probably still on the kitchen table, sticky note on the front page and all, horrified her. She had intended to read it when she got home Saturday. Instead she’d spent the weekend in bed with an escort, never sparing a thought for Colleen’s deadline. So much for being a good big sister.

Colleen snorted. “I’ll take that as a ‘no.’”

“I’m
so
sorry. I’ll read it after I eat. I just…lost track of time this weekend. I meant to read it, yesterday actually—”

“It’s okay, Em. Thanks for reading it tonight.” Colleen tilted her head, studying her curiously. “What
did
you do this weekend? You left the laundry in the dryer, my essay untouched on the kitchen table…” A slow grin spread across Colleen’s face. “Did you discover Internet porn? Get addicted to an online game?”

Colleen could be eerily astute at odd times, but Emily wasn’t worried about her guessing how she’d really spent her weekend. She’d never talked about her sexuality with Colleen, no matter how hard her sister tried to nudge her, so as far as Colleen knew, she was a nun. “I may have rewatched too many episodes of
The Golden Girls
on Saturday. And then again this morning.”

Colleen groaned. “God, Em, that’s pathetic. You need to get out sometime. Go pick up some guy at a bar. Let him put a smile on your face. When’s the last time you had an orgasm you didn’t give yourself?”

Emily nearly choked on her pizza. “Colleen!”

“Seriously. What are you going to do when I’m at college? How am I supposed to have fun when I know you’re sitting at home alone like a pathetic spinster?”

Emily battled a pang of guilt for allowing Colleen to think she was truly an eternally sexless hermit—a heterosexual one, at that. It was probably ridiculous to keep that part of her life so secret, but since she’d never gotten serious about anyone, she hadn’t had a reason to share. She still didn’t. Nat wanted to see her again, and she wanted to see Nat, but it was far too early to involve her sister in something she didn’t yet understand.

Poking Colleen in the side, Emily said, “You’re not supposed to have fun at school. You’re supposed to swear off sex and frat parties, study every night, and live the virtuous life of a woman who will one day be an accomplished author.”

Colleen scoffed. “Authors need life experience—including sex and the occasional frat party. Otherwise what would they write about?”

“Getting good grades?”

Colleen swallowed her last bite of pizza and slouched so she could put her feet up on the coffee table. “I’ll get good grades, don’t worry. Believe it or not, I
do
want you to be proud of me.”

“I am proud of you.”

A wistful look passed over Colleen’s face. “I want you to trust me.”

“I do trust you.” Aware that Colleen knew that wasn’t exactly the truth, Emily sighed. “I just want to see my little sister grow up and be happy. That’s all.”

“Well, I’d like for my big sister to be happy, too.” Colleen pinched her elbow, making Emily squeak and pull away laughing. It was a familiar move, one that Emily never managed to anticipate. “That’s why I think you need to get laid. If you don’t want cock, I’m sure there are plenty of lesbians who’d be thrilled to do you.”

Since shortly before her eighteenth birthday, Colleen’s favorite pastime had been to say provocative things to try and elicit a reaction. She clearly thought Emily was beyond conservative and seemed to delight in making her uncomfortable. Usually it worked. But memories of sex with Nat made it hard not to smile at Colleen’s comment. “You think so? Thanks.”

Colleen’s eyebrows shot up. “So does that mean you like chicks? I knew it!”

Wow. Emily realized with a start that she’d just initiated the perfect opportunity to come out to her sister. Clearly she was still riding high on her emotional awakening with Nat, because suddenly intimacy felt easier with Colleen, too. Confirming her sexuality didn’t require disclosing details, and this conversation was probably long overdue. “I do like women. But I don’t have any interest in picking them up in bars. I appreciate your concern, though.”

Clearly stunned at receiving confirmation, Colleen blinked. “You’re a lesbian.”

Emily fought back the satisfied smirk that threatened to escape when she thought back to the sex she’d had that weekend—in the bathtub, on her hands and knees, riding on top, bent over the arm of the couch. “Definitely.”

Mouth dropping open, Colleen squeaked, “Like, you’ve slept with a woman?”

Heat rose on Emily’s cheeks. This really wasn’t where she’d intended the conversation to go. “I’m not going to talk about this anymore.”

Colleen gasped as she made the mental leap Emily had feared she might. “Wait,
this weekend
?”

So much for honesty. Emily had to lie. How would she explain how she’d met Nat? What if things didn’t work out between them? What if she regretted the entire episode tomorrow? “Of course not. I’m just telling you, so you know…if I wanted to meet someone, it would be a woman.”

“Okay.” Colleen studied her for a moment, then folded her arms and giggled. “Well, well, well. Who knew? Mild-mannered accountant by day, ravenous rug-muncher by night.”

Torn between disgust and amusement, Emily decided to go with disgust. She really didn’t want to talk about her sex life with Colleen right now. Not when she still ached from Nat’s fingers and cock. “That’s my cue to excuse myself and go read your essay.”

“Hey, you know I’m just kidding, right?” Colleen caught her arm before she could stand up. “It’s cool that you’re a lesbian. Thank you for telling me.”

“You’re welcome.” Emily hesitated, then gave Colleen a tentative hug. “Thanks for thinking it’s cool.”

Colleen hugged her back, tighter than she would have expected. “It’s probably the coolest thing about you.”

Laughing, Emily gave Colleen a playful shove as she extricated herself from their embrace. “Nice.”

“Well? You’re an accountant. An accountant who spends her weekend watching
The Golden Girls
. Need I say more?”

“No, you’ve said plenty.” Emily moved to stand up again. “Let me go get your essay—”

“I thought we were going to watch a movie.”

Uh-oh. Colleen’s tone had turned petulant. Emily raised an eyebrow. “But you said you wanted me to read the essay.”

“Can’t you do that after? I don’t want to watch this movie alone.” Colleen gave her a mischievous smirk. “It has that actress in it—you know, the one with the boobs? I’m sure you’ll enjoy that.” She paused as Emily chuckled, then said, “Please, it’s still early. I want to hang out with you.”

Emily took a deep breath and reprioritized. She’d wanted to read the essay now so she’d have plenty of time to call Nat before bed. But Colleen had to come first. She always came first. If she was up too late helping Colleen, she would just have to choose between calling Nat and getting a full night’s sleep after an exhausting weekend. Unfortunately, Nat would probably win.

This was exactly why she’d always sworn off relationships—she didn’t want any distractions from her responsibilities. But she supposed it was too late not to want what she’d already found. She just needed to make sure Colleen’s needs remained her number-one focus. The rest of it, she could sort out later.

Sighing, she settled back against the arm of the couch and gestured at the television. “I
do
kind of love boobs.”

Colleen guffawed. “Em, you’re awesome. You crack me up.”

Emily didn’t bother to hide her happiness at the sudden warmth between them. Even if Nat was a distraction, she was also a magnificent catalyst. Without Nat and their transcendent weekend, she wouldn’t have come out to Colleen just now. They wouldn’t be sharing this closeness, wouldn’t be luxuriating in the sisterly bond that seemed harder and harder to find these days. Without Nat, she wouldn’t be nearly as content as she was in this moment.