The Memory of Midnight (33 page)

‘Aye, that is all any mother wants.’ Anne thought that she was talking to her. She turned from the cradle, smoothing down the small blanket over her arm. The maids were busy
downstairs, the neighbours had gone, and for now there were just the two of them together.

Anne hesitated. ‘Do you think you can be happy now in this marriage, Eleanor?’

‘Happy?’ Nell considered the question as she looked down at her sleeping baby. Once she would have said ‘no’ instantly, but now there was Meg. ‘I can be happy with
my daughter,’ she said.

‘It is easier when you have a child.’ Anne settled on a stool by the bed, still absently stroking the blanket.

It was the first time they had talked like this. Is this what motherhood does? Nell wondered. Did having a child of her own make her a member of a secret guild of women? She was one of them now.
She knew how it felt to carry a babe inside her. She knew the wrenching, tearing pain and the wonder of giving birth. She knew what only another mother could know.

It was the first time, too, that Nell had wondered what it was like for Anne to be married to her father.

Anne kept her eyes on the blanket. ‘I have seen the light go out of your face since you were married, Eleanor. I had hoped that you would deal well with Ralph, but I fear it is not
so.’

‘There is a darkness to him,’ Nell said in a low voice. ‘A viciousness that no one would ever guess. He shows a courteous face to the world, but when we are alone . .
.’

‘I am sorry for it,’ said Anne, still without looking up. ‘I urged the marriage. Your father . . . he hates to see you so unhappy. I was the one who said you must agree. I was
wild with worry about what would happen to Harry and Peter. They were so young. I did not know what would have become of us if Ralph called in the loan. For myself or your father, I could have
borne it, but not for my boys.’

‘
Nell
.’ It was that voice again. ‘
Nell, tell me what you fear
.’ It held an edge of impatience this time, and Nell frowned it away. She was talking to
Anne. This was women’s time. She didn’t want to stop and answer to a man’s voice.

She stroked Meg’s downy hair. ‘Mother,’ she said. ‘May I ask you something?’

‘If you wish.’

‘If I had been your child, and not just my father’s daughter, would you still have pushed me into marriage with Ralph?’

‘How can I know? I knew you disliked him, but I didn’t understand why. I thought it would be a good marriage for you. It is only since I have seen the shadows in your eyes that I
have wondered . . .’ Anne lifted her shoulders and let them collapse in defeat. ‘Well, it is a woman’s lot to be handed over to a man who may treat her as he wills. We all know
this.

‘But I am sorry for your unhappiness, Nell,’ she added with difficulty after a moment. ‘You had such spirit as a child. I hate to see you crushed.’

‘I am not crushed.’ Nell’s chin went up, and she pushed aside the voice nagging in her head, demanding that she go somewhere else, be someone else. No, this time she would not
do as she was bid! The voice was urgent, and somewhere she knew that it was important to listen, but her stepmother’s words had stung.

‘I am not crushed,’ she said again. ‘I endure. I
will
endure. I have Meg to think of now.’

‘Nell! Tess, can you hear me? I’m going to count to three, and when you hear “three”, you will wake up and you will feel relaxed and happy. One, two . .
.’

Nell ignored the voice. She was thinking about Meg. She was thinking about being strong. She was thinking about how much she could endure if she had to.

There was an odd light shining through her eyelids. She stirred and mumbled a protest, turning her head aside from the light. Her neck was stiff and she hunched a shoulder as
she tried moving it tentatively from side to side. ‘Ouch!’ The jab of pain brought her abruptly awake, and she squinted through still blurry eyes to see Luke jumping to his feet.

‘Tess! Thank God!
Ambrose!
She’s awake.’

Ambrose came hurrying back into the room, wiping his hands on a tea towel. ‘I’m very relieved to see you awake,’ he told Tess. He leant over and peered anxiously into her eyes,
one after the other. ‘How do you feel now?’

‘Okay, I think.’ Tess rubbed her sore neck. She must have been sleeping with her head at an unnatural angle. ‘What happened?’

‘It was fine at first,’ said Ambrose, standing back in relief. ‘You were talking about how happy you were with your baby, but when I tried to contact Nell directly, she just
closed down. I’ve got to admit I panicked a bit, and did my best to wake you up, but you wouldn’t respond, and after a while it seemed as if you’d fallen asleep for real.

‘I don’t mind telling you we had a few anxious moments, but you were breathing and you didn’t seem distressed, so we thought we’d better leave you. I had to forcibly
restrain Luke from shaking you awake. Being wrenched from one plane to another before you’re ready puts a terrific strain on the heart.’

‘I don’t remember falling asleep.’ Tess pushed herself upright in the chair. ‘But I’ve got an impression of ignoring a voice in my head . . .’ She looked at
Ambrose. ‘That was you?’

‘I’m afraid Luke was quite right to say “I told you so”,’ he admitted. ‘Nell is a very strong presence. I couldn’t get past her and through to you at
all. But this time, you don’t seem as disorientated as you were before.’

‘No, I know exactly where I am.’ Still rubbing her neck, Tess looked around her. I think perhaps I fell asleep in the past so there wasn’t that sudden transition coming back to
the present.’

‘Do you remember anything that happened after Meg was born?’

‘Of course,’ said Tess, surprised. ‘Meg’s six now.’

‘Six! Have you made such a big jump in time before?’

Tess tried to think. ‘Not quite so long, perhaps, but it’s not as if that time is blank. I remember all of it.’ She smiled. ‘I have a son now too. Hugh, named after my
father.’

‘Nell’s father,’ said Luke and Tess blinked, taken aback by the sharpness of his tone.

‘Yes, I mean Nell’s father, of course.’

Ambrose shot Luke a warning glance. ‘How old is Hugh?’

‘Three.’ Tess’s face softened. ‘He is very dear to me. Such a sunny-natured child. He has a smile that lights up a room. Everybody loves Hugh.’

‘Even Ralph?’

Her expression hardened. ‘Ralph is glad to have a son. That is all that matters to him. But he does not know his children. He does not know how quick Meg is with her fingers or how she
loves to dance. He does not recognize Hugh’s laugh. His children are to be shut away until he is ready to barter them for gold or service.’

‘And what of you?’ Ambrose asked carefully with another warning look at Luke. ‘Does Ralph beat you still?’

‘Sometimes.’ Tess shrugged. ‘But I have found a way to survive. I submit without protest. I let him do what he wants with me, and I have ceased caring. It is just one more
thing to endure. And because I do not hate it any more, it is no pleasure for him. Even the chest has lost its horror,’ she told Ambrose. ‘One night when he dragged me by my hair
towards it, I didn’t even struggle, and he threw me aside in disgust.’

She smiled grimly. ‘I deny Ralph hate and fear and pain, and it unmans him. He takes his fists to me sometimes just because he can. He might come to my bed and pinch and slap me until he
is aroused, but I can blank my mind off, so most of the time he takes his pleasure elsewhere. I have closed my mind to where he goes and what he does. I cannot think of that. I can only look to my
children and keep them away from him as much as possible.’

‘So you are happy?’

Tess considered the question. ‘I am content,’ she decided eventually. ‘My children are safe and well fed. That is enough for me.’ She frowned and shook her head, and when
she looked at Luke, her eyes were clear once more. ‘Sorry, that was Nell . . . but it’s so strange, I remember all of it.’

Luke was still looking grim and she tried a coaxing smile to lighten the mood. ‘You see, I was fine! I didn’t die in childbirth after all.’

‘Nell died sometime, though, didn’t she?’

Darkness breathed on the nape of Tess’s neck, and slithered down her spine.

‘Yes, of course, but . . . yes, I know what you mean, but for now, when I’m her, she’s okay. You heard what I – she – said. She’s content, and maybe
that’s enough. Maybe that’s it. She’s told her story and she can leave me in peace.’

‘Do you really believe that?’ asked Luke with a sceptical look.

No, of course she didn’t. Tess chose not to answer. She looked at her watch instead.

‘Oh my God! It’s nearly four o’clock! How long was I asleep?’

‘A couple of hours.’

‘I need to get back.’ Tess jumped to her feet. ‘I left Oscar with Mum –’ Oscar! She broke off and clapped a hand to her mouth, aghast to realize that she had been
so involved with Meg and Hugh that she had forgotten her own son.

The colour rushed into her face, and the eyes that met Luke’s were stricken.

‘I rang your mother,’ he said brusquely. ‘I told her that you’d had a touch of food poisoning and were lying down, so you’d be a bit late to pick Oscar
up.’

Tess slumped in relief. It wouldn’t be too hard to pretend that she had been ill. In spite of her eagerness to be with her children in the past, she was shaken by how powerful Nell’s
hold on her was. In the space of an afternoon she had given birth twice. No wonder her insides felt jumbled and knotted, her emotions stretched raw and brittle. She felt sick and empty, exhilarated
and guilty, all at the same time. Convincing her mother that she had picked up some bug wouldn’t be difficult. She couldn’t tell her the truth, anyway, that was for sure.

She tried to thank Luke, but he brushed her aside. ‘We’d better get back if you’re feeling up to it.’

He was monosyllabic in the car and after a while Tess gave up trying to make conversation. Her fingers were aching, and flashes of scarlet pain were shooting up her arm and behind her eyes
without warning. She held her hands curled upright in her lap, as if making an offering. She was glad she didn’t have to drive, but when she tried to say as much to Luke, he snarled at her
and told her he was trying to concentrate.

They were on the A1, one in a long queue of cars passing a truck. His jaw was tense, his hands rigid on the wheel, and he cursed as a car cut in front of him without indicating.

‘Fucking BMWs.’

‘You’re angry,’ said Tess.

‘I should never have taken you there.’

‘I’m glad you did. Now I can think of Nell as happy with her children.’ A smile tugged at the corners of Tess’s mouth as she remembered the warm weight of Hugh on her
lap, brushing the tangles out of Meg’s hair. How could she regret precious memories like those?

Except they weren’t her memories, were they? Her smile faded, and Luke noticed.

‘Exactly,’ he said, savagely changing gear. ‘I thought Ambrose would be able to help you, but as far as I can see, he’s just made things worse. Nell’s hold on you
is even stronger now.’

Tess swallowed. ‘Perhaps, but Ambrose still helped. You were right. It was good to talk to someone who didn’t immediately assume that I was crazy. Ambrose made me feel
normal.’

‘You think it’s normal to forget about your own son? I know you did. I could see it your face.’

Forget Hugh? Never! As if she could. Tess was outraged before the realization hit her like a blow. He meant Oscar.

She had forgotten Oscar.

The queue of red tail lights ahead blurred before her eyes.
Oscar, forgive me.

‘No,’ she said in a low voice. ‘No, of course I don’t.’

‘What do you think it was like for me to watch you lying there?’ Luke demanded. ‘Christ, Tess, you were . . .
gone
. You were nothing, and instead there was this dead
woman in your body, using your mouth, smiling your smile . . .’ The gears scraped as he shoved at them again. ‘We couldn’t get you back. I thought we’d have to leave you
stuck in the sixteenth century, and how would I have explained
that
to Oscar?
Sorry, Mummy’s busy with some other babies that have been dead for four hundred
years
?’

‘I’m sorry.’ Tess pressed her fingers to her temples and then regretted it as pain jabbed through the guilt churning inside her. ‘I didn’t think.’

Helplessly, she dropped her hands back in her lap. Luke had been so understanding up to now. She didn’t like him being angry with her. She wanted him to understand this too. ‘You
haven’t had a child, Luke. Maybe only another mother would understand. It was just so
strong
, the need to get to my baby. It was like I didn’t have a choice.’

‘Oh, don’t pull that you-can’t-possibly-understand-if-you’re-not-a-woman crap,’ said Luke. They had laboured past the truck and he jerked the car into the inside
lane behind a lumbering tanker so that the car behind could flash past in a blur of sleek lines and bright headlights. ‘You’d rather be with some dead kid than your own.’

‘What’s it to you anyway?’ Guilt soured Tess’s voice, made her lash out. ‘You’re not Oscar’s father.’

‘No, right, I’m just the joiner.’ Swearing under his breath, Luke moved out again to pass the tanker. ‘All right, all right.’ He gestured in the mirror to the car
that was powering up behind him, headlights blazing. ‘God, I miss my bike,’ he muttered as he pulled in again. ‘This car’s a heap of shit. That’s what you get for
trying to grow up and do the right thing.’

Tess made herself take a breath. She was baffled and hurt by his reaction, and it made for an unpleasant mix with the guilt and shame curdling in her stomach.

‘Look, I’m sorry,’ she said in a different voice, turning in her seat to face him. ‘Really. I’ve been so consumed by Nell, and so desperate to try to hold things
together that I haven’t thought about what any of this has been like for anyone else, and that’s not fair. I don’t know what I would have done without you, Luke. You’ve kept
me sane and tried to help, and driven me all the way to Lincoln and stayed with me, and I’ve just taken it all for granted. I’m sorry,’ she said honestly.