The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (65 page)

How do you know when an elephant has been screwing in your garden?

The flower beds are crushed and you are missing a bin liner.

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?

A dead poodle with an eighteen-inch diameter arsehole.

One day a female elephant was walking through the woods and she got a thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help her get the thorn out.

The ant asked, “Okay, but what do I get in return?”

The elephant replied, “I’ll do anything.”

“Anything?” said the ant. “Will you let me fuck you up the arse?”

The elephant thought to herself, “What’s this little guy going to do anyway?” So she replied, “Anything – just get this thorn out of my foot!”

So the ant got busy taking the thorn out. When he finally got it out, he looked up at the elephant and said, “Okay it’s out, are you ready?”

The ant climbed up and started to work away. Just then a monkey overhead dropped a coconut on the elephant’s head.

“Ouch,” said the elephant, “that hurt!”

The ant responded, “Yeah, yeah! Take it all, bitch!”

What’s big, red and slimy?

An inside-out elephant.

How do you make a dead elephant float?

You hire a large fatbed truck, put about half a dozen dead elephants on top, decorate it, add a sound system and some dancers.

How can you tell that there are two elephants in your fridge?

You have to put the partly eaten and dismembered body parts of your infant daughter in the freezer instead.

What do elephants use as tampons?

Sheep.

Why do elephants have trunks?

Because sheep don’t have string.

An elephant is walking through the jungle when, all of a sudden, he falls into a deep pit. The elephant realizes that there is no chance of him being able to climb out and he is going to die there, so he starts to shout for help.

By chance a passing chicken hears the elephant’s cries and decides to investigate. He sees the elephant stuck in the pit and shouts down to him: “Don’t worry, elephant. I am going to save you.”

The chicken then calls on the King of the Jungle. The King of the Jungle promptly arrives in his Red Porsche. He throws a rope from the Porsche into the pit, the elephant ties it around his waist and the King of the Jungle pulls him out of the pit.

The elephant is so grateful to the chicken that he promises him that he will one day do the same for him if the chicken should ever be in mortal danger.

As chance would have it, a couple of weeks later the elephant is walking through the jungle minding his own business when he hears the sound of a chicken in distress. He wanders over and sees that his friend the chicken is stuck in a pit. The elephant shouts “Don’t worry chicken, I will save you.”

The elephant throws his tail into the pit. Unfortunately, the tail is too short and the chicken can’t reach it. Undeterred by this, the elephant throws in his trunk. Alas, the trunk is also too small. As a last desperate effort the elephant throws in his penis. Hurrah! The chicken grabs the elephant’s enormous dong and climbs out to safety.

The moral of the story: if you have a big dick you don’t need a red Porsche to pull a chick.

What’s an Englishiman’s idea of foreplay? Half an hour of begging.