The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (40 page)

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to see your wife from the pulpit and when she falls asleep I will give you a signal. When I give the signal, you stick the hatpin in her leg.”

The following Sunday, Mrs Smith dozed off once again in church. Seeing this, the preacher put his plan to work.

“And who, pray, made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mr Smith.

“Jesus!” Mrs Smith cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the hatpin.

“Yes, that’s correct, Mrs Smith,” said the minister.

Before long, Mrs Smith nodded off again. Once again the minister put his plan to work. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mr Smith.

“God!” Mrs Smith shouted out, as she was harpooned again in the leg.

“Correct again,” said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mrs Smith again dozed off. This time, however, the preacher failed to notice and as he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few hand motions that Mr Smith incorrectly interpreted as signals to stick his wife with the hatpin again. The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?”

Mr Smith poked his slumbering wife, who cried out, “You stick that motherfucker in me one more time and I’ll break it off and shove it up your ass!”

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple visit a parish church for the first time. The vicar says, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for two weeks.”

A couple of weeks later the vicar goes to the elderly couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The old man replies, “No problem at all, vicar.”

“Well done,” says the vicar. “Welcome to the church.”

He goes to the middle-aged couple and asks, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

The man replies, “The first week wasn’t a problem. I confess the second week was a struggle but, yes, we made it.”

“Well done. Welcome to the church,” says the vicar.

The pastor then addresses the newlywed couple. “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

“Well, vicar, unfortunately we failed.”

“Oh dear,” says the pastor. “That is disappointing.”

“Well we tried our best. We went twelve days without sex but then one day my wife was reaching for a can of beans on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I had to fuck her up the arse.”

“Oh dear,” says the vicar, “we don’t much like that sort of thing in here.”

“We understand, vicar,” says the young man. “They’re not too happy about it in Morrisons either.”

A man and his wife are enjoying a nice afternoon in the cinema. After half an hour or so she leans over to her husband and whispers: “The man next to me is having a wank.”

“Just ignore him,” he says, engrossed in the film.

“I can’t,” she replies, “he’s using my hand.”

A man took his dog to the cinema. At the end of the film the dog applauded.

“That’s amazing,” said the usherette.

“Yes, it is,” said the man. “He thought the book was crap.”

Sir Cliff Richard went to an old people’s home to perform a concert but was disconcerted to find that none of the residents recognized him. Puzzled, he took an old lady aside and enquired, “Excuse me, but do you have any idea who I am?”

“Sorry, dear,” said the old lady, “but if you ask one of the nurses, they’ll tell you.”

Sir Cliff is performing live in Japan on the last leg of his world tour. The audience go wild as Cliff asks them if there is anything he can sing especially for them.

“Tits and fanny!” scream the audience. “Tits and fanny!”

Cliff is shocked. “I can’t sing that,” he says. “I’m a devout Christian.”

“Tits and fanny!” scream the audience. “Tits and fanny!”

“Oh, come on . . . please!” Cliff pleads. “What about ‘Devil Woman’ or ‘Livin’ Doll’, at least something I know!”

“Tits and fanny!” scream the crowd.

“Okay, okay,” says Cliff. “But I don’t know how it goes.”

“Tits and fanny,” . . . sing the crowd in unison . . . “how we don’t talk any more.”

A man had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months and all the while his wife kept vigil at his bedside, every single hour of every single day. One day, while conscious, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes filling with tears. “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I lost my job, you were there for me. When my business failed, you supported us both. When I got shot, you nursed me back to health. When we lost the house, you endured living in a shabby rented flat.

“Now my health has started failing and you are still right by my side. You know what?”

“What dear?” She softly asked, choking back the tears as she gently rubbed his forehead.

“I’m beginning to think you’re a jinx, so why don’t you just fuck off.”

My father is in a coma. He’s just living the dream.