The Guide to Getting It On (48 page)

Pre-Cum Jitters

Some women who are giving oral sex experience a brief paralysis or mini-dread right before the penis ejaculates. If this keeps happening, try to talk to your partner about it. Maybe he can give you plenty of warning before he’s going to come so you can stop sucking and start pumping by hand. Or maybe it will help to put a condom on his penis while giving blowjobs, or perhaps you can switch into the position that was illustrated earlier in the chapter where you bring him off with your lips but the wad doesn’t go in your mouth. With time and experience, it’s likely any dread will go away.

Hands on Your Head

Men will often put their hands on a woman’s head when she is giving oral sex. For most guys, this is a loving gesture which can also be used to let a partner know what feels good and what doesn’t. However, some men will put their hands on a woman’s head in an attempt to forcibly push it down onto the penis. This is rude, and you need to tell him to stop.

Counterpoint:
One woman says, “It can be particularly exciting, when a man pushes my head down on his penis. But I would never have sex with a man who I didn’t love going down on. Also, you make a joke out of it when a woman grabs a man’s head and pulls it into her crotch in the other chapter, but call it assault when a man does this to a woman. You present a double standard that says we women are either more fragile than men or more easily offended when it comes to sex.”

Research Findings

One of the more interesting research findings of all time is in an article about the hazards of oral sex. It was written by a group of dentists and published in a medical journal (Bellizi, Krakow and Plack,
Military Medicine
145 (1980):787—honest, his name is Dr. Plack and he’s a dentist). The article is titled “Soft Palate Trauma Associated with Fellatio.”

The article tells about the daughter of an officer who was taken to the base hospital because she discovered a black-and-blue blotch in the back of her mouth. Several dentists eventually converged on the mystery blotch, trying to discover its origin. After eliminating all other possibilities, the dentists finally asked the officer dad to leave the room and then popped the big question: “Gotta boyfriend?”

In the back of the mouth near where the tonsils hang is a highly vascularized mass of tissue (highly vascularized means lots of small blood vessels). An erect penis hitting against this sensitive tissue can cause a bruise.

This isn’t a common injury. It goes away like any other bruise, but it is a reminder that the woman, and not the man, should control the level of movement during a blowjob. It’s fine if she wants a lover to thrust in and out of her mouth, but the choice needs to be hers.

Ejaculate-Related Sinus Infections

When some women give blowjobs, they like to create a slight to moderate vacuum around their lover’s penis. Men who enjoy this kind of sensation find it to be heavenly. However, a problem can occur when a man comes with the head of his penis in the back part of a woman’s vacuum-pulling mouth. The vacuum can sometimes draw ejaculate up into the woman’s sinus cavities, creating what might be a cum-related sinus infection. If this is the case, the woman and her partner need to work on keeping the head of his penis in the middle part of her mouth when he is coming. Another solution is for him to wear a condom.

Lasting Shorter (as Opposed to Lasting Longer)

“Why is it when you are giving men head, they take forever to come, but are so much faster when having intercourse?”
female age 29

During vaginal intercourse, most guys make an effort to last as long as their partners want, sometimes successfully. While this might be a noble gesture during intercourse, it is not appreciated nearly as much during oral sex. That’s because oral sex tends to tire out the mouth of the giver. So if the purpose of the blowjob is to get the man off, he shouldn’t try to hold back his climax to show what a stud he is. On the other hand, some guys love oral sex but can’t come from it. The best course of action is to discuss this matter with each other. If the male is one of those lucky guys who can pretty much orgasm at will, he and his partner might devise a signal for when she’d like him to come. For the rest of us, the woman can ease up if we are approaching orgasm too fast, or she can try some of the measures listed in “The Vicissitudes of Mercy Sex—Making a Man Come Sooner” section of Chapter 5:
On the Penis
to speed us up if her jaw is about to drop off.

Things a Guy Can Do to Help a Woman Who Is Trying to Give Him Oral Sex

To help a partner give you the best blowjobs, you might start by reading earlier parts of this chapter about bruising in the back of a woman’s throat, how she can prevent gagging, and how it can be nice when a guy doesn’t last quite so long. Read this chapter with your partner. The key to really good blowjobs is being willing to explore and give each other feedback.

Also, keep in mind that most women won’t go down on guys who smell rank. Whether you are going out on a first date or have been married for twenty years, here are a few things to remember: #1: Shower at least once a day, unless you are seriously into grunge or are a holdover from the court of Louis XIII, in which case bathing is irrelevant. #2: Don’t wear the same socks or underwear for more than one day without washing them. If everyone including the dog and cat runs out of the room when you take your shoes off, use foot powder or spray. #3: While not particularly popular with the organic crowd, deodorant can be a wonderful thing. #4: Brush and floss your teeth often, as kissing often precedes and follows a blowjob. #5: If you wear cologne, ask your partner or a woman friend how she likes the smell of it, as well as how much you should use. Some guys smell great from just bathing alone. On the other hand, she might like you marinated with a bit of citrus or spice.

Uncut?
If you haven’t noticed by now, this Guide abhors circumcision. However, all good things have their downsides, and smegma is one of the downsides of having a healthy, intact penis. Why not establish a pre-blowjob routine where you go to the bathroom, retract your foreskin, and tidy up a bit around it? And if you buy the sometimes silly theories of evolutionary biologists, anything they write about male smells being important in attracting females, they are referring to intercourse, and not when she has your penis in her face.

Pube Tug:
Tug on your pubic hair ahead of time so you’ll pull out the strays that might end up in her mouth. It’s now the height of straight male fashion to trim pubic hair as well. A few years ago this would have been considered weird.

Arrogance:
Don’t assume that a woman automatically wants to suck on your penis just because it’s there. Never take blowjobs for granted, and be thankful whenever you get one, even if your partner loves doing it. Tell her how good it feels. Also, it never hurts to ask yourself, “What have I done lately to deserve a blowjob?” Did you give your partner a long lingering body massage? Did you help her with a project she’s been struggling with? Did you do your share of the housework? Did you respond kindly in a situation where most men would have been jerks? Are you a loving partner and good friend?

Talk Is Not Cheap:
Oral sex requires a doer who is willing to accept helpful feedback and a receiver who is willing to give it. If words don’t come easily, pick up a book like Violet Blue’s
Ultimate Guide To Fellatio
or Saddie Allison’s
Tickle His Pickle
and go through it together.

Mutuality:
Never, ever cop an attitude such as “My last girlfriend blew me really well. Why can’t you?” There are reasons why you aren’t with your last girlfriend. With enough mutual caring, love and experimentation, the chances are good that you will soon be receiving oral sex, but don’t expect it to happen magically.

The Deep-Throat Fantasy:
A throat is not a vagina. Any extra thrills you might get from this are mostly psychological. Besides, why would you encourage your partner to do something that might trigger a natural gagging reflex? If she gags on your penis, do you really think she’s going to be excited about putting it in her mouth again?

He Who Gives, Gets:
A fine way to get great oral sex is to give great oral sex. This assumes that the rest of your relationship is in good shape. Do not expect that being a great lover will make up for being a selfish person. Some women will overlook bad manners and social lunacy for a good lay, but women who are so inclined tend to have their own emotional problems and will find other ways to make your life a living hell.

Asking vs. Not Asking

Every once in a while you might have a horrible day and are totally frazzled and in desperate need of a blowjob lest you further decompensate and have to be hauled off to the loony bin. If you don’t abuse the privilege and have a loving partner who hasn’t had an equally hideous day, she will usually do the mercy blowjob even if she’s not particularly into it. For this type of situation, it is fine to ask or beg for a blowjob. However, in the course of normal lovemaking, it might not be such a good idea to routinely ask for oral sex. That’s because some women don’t take well to being pestered for blowjobs. Granted, they might love blowing you and will do so often, but only if it’s on their own initiative. Of course, there are other women who are just fine with being asked. Why not ask about asking?

Improving the Way Your Ejaculate Tastes

Some people claim that vegetarians, both male and female, taste better than their carnivore brethren. However, it is likely that this is just propaganda from the cows and chickens. It has also been said that dairy products make ejaculate taste bad, but not nearly as bad as asparagus. Smoking and/or drinking coffee might cause a guy’s ejaculate to taste strong or bitter. Perhaps Starbucks can formulate a new blend of beans and call it “Sweet Tasting Wad.” Regardless of their impact on semen, the combination of smoking and drinking coffee makes for bad-smelling breath. (Ejaculate, like cow’s milk, can definitely take on flavors of what the beast eats, including its favorite vices.)

One woman said that her partner’s ejaculate tasted good unless he was under a lot of stress at work. Then it would start tasting bad. This makes sense. It could be that adrenalin and other high levels of hormones associated with stress might cause semen to suck.

One common suggestion for improving the taste of male ejaculate is to eat celery or fruit each day, especially pineapple and apples. The sugar in the fruit is supposed to give a guy’s ejaculate a sweet taste. Perhaps this is useless folklore. However, if this is what a partner requested before doing more blowjobs, most guys would go to work each morning munching on stalks of celery and finishing their lunches with slices of fruit. Either way, if your partner is willing to be the taster, why not experiment with different combinations of food? Does ingesting a little cinnamon make a difference in the way you taste? What happens if you drink less coffee or eat less broccoli or garlic?

If your partner says that your ejaculate is really bitter, consider seeing a urologist to screen out the possibility of an infection in your prostate or other glands of sex. Although you might not be feeling any pain, it’s still possible to have an infection. Unfortunately, in this day of HMOs, you will probably need to see a family physician or internist first, and it might be embarrassing to say, “Heather claims my cum tastes bitter. Can I see a doctor?” Urologists, on the other hand, see genitals all day long, and it’s usually easier to say something like that to them. In either case, rather than telling the receptionist or nurse the exact reason for the appointment, you might say that you’d like to rule out a prostate or urinary-tract infection. Then tell the physician the real reason once you see him or her in private. And under no circumstances should you take antibiotics unless tests have been done and they show a problem. Antibiotics are not breath mints for the prostate gland.

Readers’ Comments

“I am certain that women would give more blowjobs if they didn’t feel like they had to swallow.”
female age 43

“Cum is not a gourmet treat, but not unpleasant. I’d rather be eating mocha-chip ice cream, but getting there isn’t half as much fun. My partner’s orgasm is often a total turn-on for me, and occasionally just a relief that the blowjob is now over with.”
female age 47

“If he smells bad down there, it’s a turn-off for me.”
female age 34

“If I’m in the mood it’s really sensual. If I’m not it’s like a job.”
female age 43

“It is a major power trip for me if he comes in my mouth. I like knowing I have the ability to take this big strong man and turn him into a sack of Jello.”
female age 37

“I used to tell my partner that I was semen-intolerant.”
female age 26