The Guide to Getting It On (174 page)

The next thing you need to know when dating a single mom is how kids can suddenly spike temperatures or start throwing up, especially when they don’t want their mom to go out. And you won’t believe the nasty array of colds, coughs and flus that kids bring home from school. So you will need to have the patience of Job, and a strong hand that you can go home to jerk off with. No matter how important you might be in a woman’s life, you are not going to come between her and her kid’s viruses. And if you do, then you might wonder about her character and take heed.

Until you’ve been dating for a while, think twice about getting super-expensive tickets for events. It will just make her feel like crap if she has to cancel at the last minute, and it will bother you more than if the casualty were only dinner and a movie. If she suddenly has to cancel because of Jun-ior’s croop, you won’t be anybody’s chump if you leave a bouquet of flowers at the door with a note saying how much you look forward to seeing her soon. Yes, some women are flakes and will use their children as an excuse, but you’ll be onto that soon enough. Plenty of women without kids are flakes as well.

Do not try or expect to meet her kids for a long time. It’s not fair to them if they become attached to you and you suddenly end up out of the picture. But you can still help. If time and money are in short supply, ask about the things her kids like to eat. The 12-box carton of Mac’n’Cheese and frozen chicken-pot-pies from Costco might be calling. At the end of a date, ask if she needs to stop by the grocery store on the way home. If that’s the last thing she wants to be reminded of when she’s out with you, she’ll let you know. If you do meet the kids, don’t go sticking your tongue down their mom’s throat when they are around. Don’t try to buy them off with gifts. Your friendship and concern about them is more than enough. Do introduce yourself as one of their mom’s friends, but nothing else. From their experience in school, they will understand that some friends stick around and others move away. And if the two of you start having sex, keep in mind that you’ll need to become logistical wizards. It’s that way when kids are around. And don’t assume she remembered birth control just because she is a mom.

CHAPTER

89

Rape & Abuse — Good Sex after Bad

S
ome kinds of sex are wicked. Some sexual acts are uninvited and forced, leaving confusion in their wake, especially when the person involved is and otherwise kind and important figure in your life. This chapter looks at the aftermath of rape and abuse with an eye on learning to have good sex after bad. The information it provides is a small drop in a large and sometimes difficult bucket. There is no shortage of information for people who have been raped or abused and hopefully you will seek it out. Some is recommended in the pages that follow.

While sexual assault is not unique, you are. What works for someone else might not work for you. Be diligent in finding information that is helpful and be cautious when self-described experts tell you what you should do instead of giving you a wide platter to choose from.

The first part of this chapter assumes that the person who experienced the assault or abuse is female and that the perpetrator is male. That’s how it usually is, but not always. The last part of the chapter is for straight guys who have been raped by other men, although gay men get raped as well. If the person who abused you was a woman or if your situation is not described here, rest assured you can find plenty of material on it with the right search terms.

Rape Versus Abuse

Rape and abuse are often lumped together, as if the experiences are the same because they are both sex crimes. Depending on who you are and what happened, this may or may not be true. Let’s consider two women whose only similarity in life is that both had sex forced on them.

The first woman grew up in a safe and loving home. Her parents were there for her from day one. The men she chose for lovers were respectful and decent. The chemistry in her relationships wasn’t always the best, but the problem was not because the men lacked character or concern. In times of stress and tumult, this woman’s family was a resource she could fall back on. When she was raped at age 24, her family and friends circled the wagons and stood by her. When she was trying to rebuild her sex life after the assault, she had the memory of many satisfying nights with loving men to help her recall that sex could be wonderful as well as wicked.

The second woman had a very different family and childhood. The man her mom remarried had sex with her from the time she was 8. When her grades began to drop and she started to become isolated at school, her mom chalked it up to “growing pains.” Signs that a less-chaotic parent would have picked up on went ignored. While the house was well-maintained and she was fed, clothed and clean, home was not a safe place. As the little girl grew into a young woman, her choice of sexual partners reflected the chaos she grew up in.

In telling about these two very different women, it might give you a sense that the challenges that sexual-assault victims face are not the same. For the second woman, there is an emotional abandonment that’s part of the mortar that binds her entire psyche. She has no memories to fall back on of sex being wonderful and loving. That is very different from the first woman’s challenge regarding her rape, which is to deal with the kinds of issues that one might address after a terrorist attack.

There is also no way of predicting which victims of abuse or rape will have sexual and relationship issues. Some of it has to do with a person’s temperament and constitution. It might also have to do with whether she had something good that she could hold onto in her mind.

Sexual Confusion in a House of Abuse

For some women who experienced childhood abuse, the times they were abused might have been the only times they were treated with tenderness. Talk about confusing! For other women who experienced childhood abuse, the family member might have otherwise been an important and loving part of her life. This can make sorting out thing incredibly difficult and confusing.

Equally difficult are situations in which the girl’s own mother was jealous of her, as if she were competition for the woman’s husband or boyfriend. Imagine if you grew up in a household where you got treated better for being “daddy’s favorite” and your mom was jealous? The idea of having sex for intimacy and enjoyment would be as foreign as wearing a burka would be for a girl who grew up in a beach town with a closet full of bikinis.

Non-abused sons who grow up in situations where a girl is being abused can find it just as difficult to process what is unfolding around them. Some are isolated and depressed. Others grow up finding it a challenge to respect the sexual rights and emotions of others.

Learning to Have Good Sex After Bad

Women who have been raped or abused sometimes report that their bodies are betraying them. Perhaps it’s just that their bodies are trying to protect them, and the nerves and muscles beneath their skin have no way of knowing that the danger has passed.

Think of what happens in your body when the man of your dreams is tenderly kissing the sides of your neck. As you are becoming sexually aroused, your heart beats faster, you breathe more quickly, and your skin starts to perspire. You might not be consciously aware of it, but your hearing and vision also become more acute.

A woman with no experience of abuse might experience these body sensations as a sign of the good things to come. But for a woman who has been assaulted or abused, her body is apt to confuse these signs with danger. Far from trying to betray her, her body is most likely trying to protect her. Her nerves and muscles are still preparing for combat rather than for relaxation and pleasure. The retraining process can be slow. So one of the first things a woman might do is to become aware of sexually-charged situations that cause her body tone to go from “Oh boy!” to “Yikes!” or those that make her feel numb or disassociated.

For one woman, the trigger might be a quick, admiring glance from a man in a restaurant. Another woman’s body might be totally into having sex until she feels her lover’s penis on her outer labia.

As a woman begins to recognize these triggers, she can take any number of actions. One woman might find it helpful to stay with the bad feeling and observe how it unfolds within her. Another might remind herself the situation isn’t the dangerous one that her body is confusing it with. If it happens during lovemaking, she and her partner might have a signal so they change positions or automatically stop. A woman might find it important if her lover says something to her, or maybe they switch on a light so she can physically see his face in addition to hearing the sound of his voice. It might also be helpful for her to have environmental cues going on from the start of their lovemaking, such as certain music or a particular light, or having a special object that she can feel or grasp—a good transitional object that helps her feel safe enough to stay in the here and now.

“Initially, my now-husband had to learn how to stop and comfort me when I had flashbacks during sex. Thankfully those no longer occur. I really need to have music on, or something to concentrate on that adds to the sex. If it is silent, or we have relaxing sex without music or awesome satin sheets or something that provides other sensations, then I will have a lot of trouble not disassociating.”
female age 27

Masturbation to the Rescue

For some women who have been sexually abused or assaulted, masturbation can provide an important bridge to healthy sexual enjoyment. When she masturbates, she can retrain her body to associate a good sexual outcome with the increased breathing and faster heart beat. For a woman who has never had a good sexual experience, masturbation can be the first step in learning how good sex can feel. For a woman who has had good sex in the past, it can be a safe way for her to remember how good it used to feel.

If she has a trusting, loving relationship with a partner, it might be a huge step for a woman to pleasure herself while he holds her. Hopefully, he can understand how big of a step this can be for her, and not to feel like she’s rejecting him because the site of his hard penis throws her into a panic. All things in good time.

Her partner will also need to be comfortable with masturbation himself, as there might be times when she suddenly needs to put the brakes on during lovemaking. While this might be her need, it could feel like punishment for him. He needs to have the option of getting himself off by hand. Hopefully they can talk about this, and she can appreciate and respect his need to get off, and he can appreciate and respect her sudden need for space.

“Masturbation had lost a lot of its fun. Isn’t that terribly sad? I’m finding it again now, and it makes me proud of myself.
female age 27

“I was a frequent masturbator before the rape, but for a while after I didn’t really want any sexual things at all. But masturbating helped me to start enjoying my body again.”
female age 19

[After being raped at age 12] “I was 14 and my older friend was telling me about how she could have orgasms in the shower. I tried it, and the experience was so amazing and so all-my-own that I began to feel a lot better about what sex and sexuality should be.”
female age 18

“Fantasy men were always nice to me—patient, kind, concerned about me, etc. Not like in real life. In a weird way, it taught me what and who to look for in real life.”
female age 30

What Some Women Have Found Helpful

There isn’t a right way or a wrong way to have sex after you have been raped. There are many different options, and only you can decide what’s right for you. Here are some things that other women have found to be helpful:

Setting Limits & Feeling Safe:
If the places and situations where you used to date and have sex no longer feel safe, see if it helps to treat yourself like the nervous parents of an attractive and sweet 15-year-old. Set the kinds of limits you would for yourself that they would for her. Should you be home by 10 or midnight? What about only double-dating with a trusted friend? Don’t go to a party without a friend. If you are in a social situation and start to feel unsafe, don’t stick around. Go home. If a guy you like asks you to have a beer, there’s no reason why you can’t say, “No, but brunch on Sunday would be really nice. I know this fun (and really crowded...) restaurant.” Decide ahead of time how much physical contact you are going to allow—a handshake, a kiss, a feel above the waist, a feel below?