The Guide to Getting It On (128 page)

For starters, what about not having to worry about an unwanted pregnancy? It could also be that certain pills help even out premenstrual mood issues for some women, and help decrease bleeding and cramping. This might explain why some women prefer pills that pack a higher dose of estrogen: because they might result in a greater decrease in bleeding, cramping, and premenstrual mood fluctuation.

Some pills help decrease zits. This might be enough to help some women feel more sexually attractive. It could also be that certain types of progesterone in some pills can actually create an increase in sexual desire.

A Pre-Pill Inventory

You might ask yourself some of these questions before taking the pill. This kind of record can be especially helpful in six months or so, in case you’re thinking something has changed but can’t quite put a finger on what.

• About how many times a month are you masturbating? Masturbation reflects sexual interest that is generated from within your body and mind, so it might be helpful to see if the pill has an impact on that.
  
• Life events can have a big impact on how you feel about sex. So jot down a few things about how your life is going besides love and sex. How are things at school, at work, with your friends and roommates? How do you feel about yourself? Do you like yourself?
  
• Take a screenshot of your Facebook or Whatever.com pages. This might help you recall your mood before you started taking the pill.
  
• For a lot of women, the state of your relationship could be the biggest single factor in determining how much you want to jump a guy’s bone. So if you are hitched, take a pre-pill inventory of your relationship, including what’s going right, and what’s not.
  
• If you have a partner, are you aware of his scent? Is it a turn-on, neutral, or a turn-off?
  
• If you’ve been having sex, write down how many times a month and how satisfying it is or isn’t.
  
• Are there times of the month when you feel especially horny? See if it changes after you start taking the pill.
  

It’s perfectly normal for couples to feel less horny over time, which has nothing to do with the pill.

Different Formulas for Different Feelings?

There are many different pill formulations. There are triphasic pills, diphasic, and monophasic pills. This refers to whether they have progresterone and estrogen, or just progesterone. There are also different kinds of estrogen and different kinds of progesterone, Some researchers feel that certain kinds of progesterone might make some women more horny rather than less.

Just because the first one might not be the answer to your birth-control prayers, there are plenty of others to try.

More Reader Comments

“I was on the shot, the ring and the pill. The shot made me bleed for 6 months straight, the ring gave me headaches so bad that I threw up, and the pill made me cry all the time. I noticed a decrease in sexual desire. My next adventure in birth control will be the diaphragm.”
female age 26

“I use the NuvaRing, and I love it. I haven’t noticed a change in sex drive, but I have noticed that I seem to be constantly wet. I suspect that it’s a side effect of the Ring, but I’m not completely sure.”
female age 19

“On the pill, it’s harder to maintain your weight and tone even when you are eating right and exercising regularly. It fluctuates your hormones which fluctuates your water weight and feeling of attractiveness which can affect your desire for sex.”
female age 22

“I’m on the combined pill. My sex drive has dipped a bit, but that may be because we have been together for six months and the initial lust-driven ‘we must have sex every night’ has died down a little. Of course, staying at his parents house for two months didn’t help.”
female age 21

“I think my sex drive is lower. But it is something that happens gradually, so it is hard to be sure. It definitely makes my discharge thicker, which sometimes makes it a little harder to have sex. I am not as wet and we have to use lube sometimes. I used to be on Ortho Tri-Cyclin Lo, and that had a huge effect on my sex drive. I was extremely depressed and did not want sex at all.”
female age 26

“I was on Mirena for 3 years, and I sunk into a period of low sexual drive. Also, in my 3rd year, it made me have my period every week for 3 weeks at a time. Now that I am on Ortho Tri-Cyclin Lo, I have increased sexual energy, and less problems.”
female age 28

“These days I am so horny, that I don’t think it’s affected me!”
female age 33

“I used to be on the pill. I feel like I have tried them all and I hate the pill. Makes me a total bitch.”
female age 25

“I used the pill in college—went through three different brands and had so many side effects. I had very little desire for sex for the most part when I was on the pill. Now I just use condoms and feel like my horny self again.
female age 25

“When I was on the pill, both combined and pop, I found that my desire definitely waned.”
female age 40

“The pill has totally suppressed my sex drive. I have hardly any desire.”
female age 22

“I use the NuvaRing. I absolutely love it! I no longer forget to take pills, it is more reliable, and my partner doesn’t feel it.”
female age 21

Thanks:
Little research has been done on this important subject. We owe Cynthia Graham and John Bancroft a big measure of gratitude for being among the few who are trying to do this kind of research in spite of a pharmaceutical industry that seems adamant that these questions not be asked.

CHAPTER

60

Trying To Get Pregnant

D
ear Paul,

My wife and I have been trying to get pregnant, with no luck. They want me to get a sperm count. Do you know anything about this? —Hank from Thunder Bay

Dear Hank,

If personal experience is of any use, here’s the skinny on getting a sperm count. First, a sperm sample needs to be less than an hour old in order for an accurate test to be done. In fact, the fresher, the better. That’s why they may want you to produce the sample on location—where you go for blood tests.

Unfortunately, your sperms don’t suddenly appear for roll call and that’s that. There’s a whole procedure that needs to be followed. Like handing the proper authorization form to a total stranger in a white coat who will automatically yell in a loud voice, “Whadda ya here for?”

That’s when you will become acutely aware of just how many people are sitting in the crowded waiting room less than five feet behind you. There will be a mom with a couple of kids, two teenagers, an older gentleman, and maybe even a nun—all waiting to hear your answer just like the people before them waited to hear theirs. You will clear your throat and say as quietly as possible, “I’m here for a sperm count,” after which the person in the white coat will immediately say in the loudest voice possible, “SPERM COUNT?” as if for some reason you were really there for a barium enema, but said sperm count just for the heck of it.

The person in the white coat will then yell to another person at the other end of the lab, “Louise, where are the specimen cups for doing a sperm count?” at which point Louise will yell back “WHAT?” to which the person in the white coat will respond even louder, “I NEED A SPECIMEN CUP FOR THIS GUY TO GIVE A SPERM SAMPLE.”

Now maybe Louise will yell back, “Top shelf in the cupboard on the right.” Or maybe she’ll yell “WHAT?” once again, and the person in the white coat will look up at you shaking her head, expecting you to offer a sympathetic nod.

Eventually, they will find the correct cups and hand you one. If you are lucky, they will open the door and direct you to a bathroom down the hall. Otherwise, they will tell you to have a seat in the waiting room, where twelve sets of eyes will be staring at your face and then at the plastic cup that’s in your sweating hand. And then the little five-year-old, who is sitting with his mother, will ask, “Mommy, what’s a spurn count?” and the woman will glare at the child with her most intense “Don’t-ask-me-that-now—OR EVER!” stare, and the little boy will protest, “But that man has to have a spurn count. Is something wrong with him?”

I am still not sure what the correct response should be when the person in the white coat finally summons you to the bathroom down the hall. Do you smile, make eye contact and say, “Thank God!”? I marvel at the man with gumption enough to look at the specimen cup and ask, “What do I do with this?” or better yet, “It won’t be big enough.”

Of course, if you are anywhere near to being a normal guy, harvesting your own sperm in a locked bathroom is nothing you need instructions for. On the other hand, when you are producing sperm for an official sample, thoughts may enter your mind that never have before. For instance, “How long should I take?” You don’t want to return in two minutes, deed done. On the other hand, you don’t want to take half an hour, because you know that Louise and the person in the white coat will be giving knowing glances to each other, as if they aren’t already.

To top that, no one has ever given you a grade on what actually came out. This time, not only are they scoring you on the number of sperm you’re about to produce, but your wad will be graded on how well your sperm swim and on how full you fill the cup. So suddenly you’ll be asking yourself, “Is there some way I should be doing this for optimal results? Should I be squeezing my testicles at the moment of truth? How do I get the most out?” I don’t know what to suggest, except if you want to save yourself the embarrassment of scoring in the lower percentile of men who have ejaculated in plastic specimen cups, save up for a couple of days. You’ll never believe how large a specimen cup looks when you are trying to fill it with sperm.

Finally, when you are done, you might smile inwardly and walk down the hallway looking for the person in the white coat. That’s when you discover she is drawing blood and you’ll need to hand the cup to Louise. Oh God. During your entire lifetime there may have been dozens of different ways that you’ve delivered sperm to a woman, but never in a plastic cup and never has she held it up to the light and swirled it to inspect its contents, and never has she stared so blankly and never have you felt quite so strange.

Anyway, Hank, that’s what I know about spurn–uh, sperm counts. Good luck to you and your wife.

P.S. If a couple is trying to get pregnant, it takes an average of eight months before hitting conceptual gold. If a couple is not trying to get pregnant, it only takes one night.

Dear Paul,

I’ve heard that couples who are trying to get pregnant are not supposed to use synthetic lubricant, and I’ve heard that saliva can kill those little guys who are trying to get the job done. I don’t lubricate very much naturally. Are there any options that you know of besides using egg whites (eewww) as a lubricant, which I’ve been told might help?

Getting pregnant has not been as easy as I thought. Funny how many years you can spend trying to avoid it, then how many months you can spend taking your temperature, watching your body, etc., with no results! Sex has become a drag. I don’t want to add “dry” sex on top of that. Do you have any tips to keep sex fun, after months of carefully monitored frolicking? —Mary in Virginia

Dear Mary,

It’s amazing how sex can become such an unpleasant chore when you and your partner start having a menage a trois with a basal thermometer. My wife and I went there for a couple of months and decided to give it up. We became foster parents and eventually adopted.