The Guide to Getting It On (114 page)

These researchers would want you to remember that there’s way more to being a good lover than how long you last. (Consider this book: only one out of almost ninety chapters is on intercourse. That should tell you a lot about how much more there is to sex.)

Parallel Parking and Premature Ejaculation

Another problem with defining premature ejaculation based on the clock alone is that it doesn’t speak to the speed and intensity of the thrusting. For instance, 2% of the men who were part of a huge study said they consistently ejaculate in under a minute. However, almost 10% of the men in this same study said they ejaculate within ten thrusts or less. If the ten-thrusts-or-less men honestly lasted for more than a minute, that’s at least six seconds per thrust. (“One Mississippi, two Mississippi, Three Mississippi, Four Mississippi, Five Mississippi, Six Mississippi” for each in and out.)

In addition to slow-motion thrusting, some men might have to think about dead animals or when they dropped the winning touchdown in a championship game in order to last longer. This makes sex less fun for them and for their partners.

Most men are able to get control by stopping for a bit or pulling out and changing positions. They don’t have to slap a governor on their sexual excitement from start to finish. Doing so is one of the burdens of having PE.

Female partners will often still their hips and mute their excitement in an attempt to help their men last. They throttle down their sexual excitement, which results in their being less satisfied sexually.

The Grim Reaper of Sexual Fun

For most men who come in less than a minute, premature ejaculation feels like a joke that their body plays on itself. Their penis suddenly feels like it’s had an hour’s worth of hard thrusting before their partner barely has her panties off. As much as they would love to have intercourse, they start to dread it because they feel like losers who can’t please their partners.

Unfortunately, some women feel that premature ejaculation is “his problem,” so he’s the one who needs to fix it. However, a man with PE can no more will his wad to wait than he can will world peace.

Erections don’t fare well in an environment of dread. So a lot of guys with PE not only have to worry about coming too soon, they also worry about not being able to get it up. And for men with PE, orgasms are not always as enjoyable as for men who have better control.

There are plenty of men with PE who fear new relationships or avoid them altogether rather than having to face the embarrassment of PE.

Is Premature Ejaculation Inherited?

According to the latest research, there seems to be a genetic influence that impacts some men who have PE. So it is possible that a man with premature ejaculation may have more in common with his father and brothers than meets the eye. Or maybe not.

While genetics might be a factor in PE, there is not a specific gene for premature ejaculation. To quote one of the top PE researchers, “PE is influenced by many things, most of which are not understood. The genetic influence on PE is likely to be indirect.” This means that the genes that effect PE are likely to influence countless other things first, such as your mood, appetite, emotions, and temperament—things that may or may not have an effect on your ejaculatory control.

So it’s a long and winding trail from what’s happening in your genes to what’s happening in your jeans. Saying that genetics can influence whether you have PE simply means the chances are greater that you will come sooner than someone without that particular gene configuration. Beyond that, we do not have enough knowledge about PE to be more specific.

If you are the partner of a man with PE, it’s best to leave the genetic research to the geneticists. Do not succumb to the temptation of asking your lover’s mother, “Mrs. Snappy, does your husband come as quickly as your son does?” But in case you do, be sure to let us know what she says.

El Prematuro Loco

There are a lot of men who are sure they’ve got PE when they don’t. A recent study found that the majority of the men who described themselves as having premature ejaculation did not have anything close. So when a man assumes he has PE but doesn’t, we say he has a case of
El Prematuro Loco.

While someone with a real case of premature ejaculation can hardly last a minute, a man with
El Prematuro Loco
can go for several minutes during intercourse while thrusting at a satisfying clip for both he and his partner. He is within the range of average for the majority of guys on the planet. Being able to last that long would make a man who really does have premature ejaculation think he had died and gone to heaven.

Fortunately, education, reassurance, and sometimes counseling is usually enough to help a man with
El Prematuro Loco
stop focusing on what he perceives to be his short-comings, and to work instead on finding ways to give his partner extra pleasure besides just thrusting. So if you are a man who feels he has premature ejaculation, why not start by talking to your partner about your concerns? It could be she wants something different in bed than a guy who lasts longer.

If you can already last for a few minutes and you and your partner feel that lasting longer would help increase your intimacy and pleasure, you’ve got a lot more wiggle room to teach yourself to improve your hang time than if you truly had PE. The squeeze technique mentioned later in this chapter might work better for a guy who can already last a couple of minutes, and drugs that delay ejaculation work better if you can last longer to begin with. One reason for this is that you might not have to be fighting your body’s genetics or neurology in order to last longer.

A reality check is also in order for today’s porn-savvy couple who might assume that every guy can thrust like a robotic sex machine for endless amounts of time.

Control Issues

Surveys have shown that 50% of men feel they can control when they ejaculate during intercourse. This is beyond the comprehension of a man who has premature ejaculation. Unfortunately, research also shows that the partners of men with PE often believe that a man can control it if he really tries. For most men, especially those with lifelong premature ejaculation, this is simply not possible.

While some women blame themselves when a partner has erection problems, they tend to blame their partner when he has PE. Think of how much more fun couples would have if they stopped pointing fingers and learned to share sexual pleasure that’s based on more than the performance of a penis. Having fun acting out your secret sex fantasies will make your sex life way more exciting than most.

Lifelong vs. Acquired

Most men who have PE have had it from the time of their first intercourse. This is known as lifelong premature ejaculation. However, there are some men who have decent control until the PE Fairy waves its wand of quickness over their crotches. So if you were okay to begin with and then start to ejaculate rapidly, you might have what is known as acquired PE.

How Psychology Can Impact Biology

Consider the case of Bill, who is a general contractor and who scheduled an appointment with a urologist to deal with his premature ejaculation. Bill rarely had trouble with his ejaculation until recently.

If Bill’s urologist had been too busy to ask about Bill’s relationships, he would have missed that Bill recently started dating Jenni. Jenni is a corporate CEO. She is high-powered and white-collar, while Bill is hard-working and blue-collar. Bill has felt inadequate from the start with Jenni given that she’s drop-dead gorgeous and makes about six times as much money as he does. Bill’s premature ejaculation started soon after he began dating Jenni. Get the picture?

Bill got his PE along the way as opposed to being born with it like most men with PE. What Bill needed were some sessions with a therapist to help him deal with his conflicted feelings about being in a relationship with Jenni. (Thanks to sex therapist Stan Althof for providing this example.)

Possible Risks for Acquired vs. Lifelong PE

If you have recently started to ejaculate rapidly and no earthshaking life changes have occurred that might explain it, such as finding your wife in bed with the teenager who mows your lawn, then it is a good idea to have a complete physical exam.

However, before assuming PE has a physical cause, be aware that there has been little evidence to support a medical or psychological cause of premature ejaculation. As of press time, the best that can be said is more and better studies need to be done.

To date, one study found that between 50% and 70% of men with a hyperthyroid have PE. After receiving successful treatment for their thyroid problem, the rate of PE dropped from 50% to 15%. On the other hand, there was not a single case of hyperthyroidism in a study of 620 men who have lifelong PE. So while any man with acquired PE should get his thyroid checked, it’s unlikely that thyroid is the cause of PE in a man who’s always had premature ejaculation.

There are some indications that prostate infections might be a cause of acquired PE and perhaps some cases of lifelong PE. The trouble with these studies is they aren’t particularly sound from a scientific point of view. Until we have studies with more scientific rigor, prostate infections are something to be aware of regarding PE, especially PE that is acquired, but that’s about it.

There’s a high association between premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction in men who have diabetes, and a moderate association between PE and erectile dysfunction in general. Early ejaculation has also been reported as a side effect of withdrawal from SSRI antidepressants. Even some recreational drugs could be PE-causing suspects. However, one shouldn’t ignore the possibility of acquired PE being situational or psychological.

Aside from genetic influences, one study suggests that a short frenulum could help trigger PE in men who have lifelong premature ejaculation. Theoretically, having a shorter frenula could cause excessive tension in the area of the glans corona, which is one of the most sensitive and nerve-filled parts of the penis. However, controlled studies need to be done regarding the short-frenula theory before any guy with PE should ever consider having surgery done on his penis.

In time, it’s possible that physical causes of PE will be discovered. So if you have PE, keep an eye out for new research. Currently, the data is limited and sometimes contradictory.

Your First Time vs Youthful Exuberance

In a recent study in Finland, a lot of men who don’t have PE reported that they came in under a minute the first time they had intercourse. Many of these men ejaculated before their penis got its first feel of their partner’s vagina. But there’s a big difference between mastering the anxiety, excitement, and inexperience of your first couple of times and coming quickly for the rest of your life.

Research shows that in men who have lifelong PE, ejaculation-control doesn’t improve with increased age, where most guys who come rapidly their first few times seem to get over it. In most cases, premature ejaculation gets worse as relationships get longer. That wouldn’t be the case if time and experience were the cure for premature ejaculation.

A Reality Check with Your Partner

Women often assume their male partners are not concerned about having PE when the man himself might be an anxious mess. At the same time, researchers have found that there is often a major disconnect between what a man thinks his partner wants and what she really wants. He might think she wants him to last longer, when she might want something else.

So if either of you is concerned about PE, the first thing to do is to talk about it together. She might prefer that he spend more time kissing, caressing, or sharing oral sex. Maybe she wants him to be more of a take-charge kind of guy when it comes to sex. Or she might want him to last longer, but hasn’t let him know because she’s been afraid of hurting his feelings. Either way, talking it over is the first step any couple needs to take when one or both of you is concerned about premature ejaculation.

Myths To Fry

In trying to understand more about PE, it is helpful to look at what people used to believe caused it. Believe it or not, some sex educators and therapists still adhere to these myths:

Holy Goat Gonads!
Premature ejaculation was first described in medical literature in the late 1800s. That’s when PE, impotence, and just about everything that could possibly go wrong with a man’s mind or penis was blamed on masturbation or “self-pollution.” Having intercourse more than once a week was also a concern among some of the anti-ejaculation fanatics of the day. To help revitalize and rejuvenate the body, more than a thousand men were given testicular grafts from sheep, monkeys, goats, deer, and other men.

Vasectomies to Prevent the Spilling Seed:
In the late 1800s and early 1900s, there was so much concern about losing semen that men would get vasectomies to keep their sperm inside their bodies. That’s how vasectomies originally became popular—not for birth control, but as a way of returning a man’s “masculine essence” into his own body. Even Freud got a vasectomy when he was 67, clearly not for birth control.

Being Pissed Off:
In the 1920s, a psychoanalyst by the name of Karl Abraham suggested that PE resulted from a man’s unconscious anger at women. Rapid ejaculation was a man’s way of symbolically peeing inside of his partner’s vagina. How charming. We have since discovered that men with PE aren’t more angry at women than men without PE.