The Graduate (19 page)

“Are you going home?”

“No,” he said. He closed the top drawer and opened the next one to feel inside it.

“Well, where are you going.”

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“I said I don’t know!” he said. He closed the middle drawer and opened the bottom one. When he had finished feeling inside it he closed it and returned to his desk. He opened each drawer again to feel inside it.

“Well what are you going to do.”

“Excuse me,” Benjamin said. He walked out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom. He washed his hands off under the faucet, then dried them on someone’s towel beside the sink and walked back and into the room. “What?” he said, shutting the door.

“What are you going to do.”

“Elaine, are you deaf?” he said.

“What?”

“I do not know what I am going to do,” he said.

“You have no idea.”

“No.”

“Not the faintest idea.”

“That’s right,” Benjamin said. He looked at her a moment longer, then returned to his closet and pushed the door open again so the lightwould come in. He took a hanger down from the bar and bent over and began scraping one end of it back and forth across the floor of the closet through the dust. Then he dropped it and walked back into the room.

“Well what about tomorrow,” she said.

“What?”

“Don’t you even know what you’re going to do tomorrow?”

“No.”

“But will you get on a bus or what.”

“Elaine,” he said, “if I knew I’d tell you. But I don’t, so don’t keep asking me.”

“A train?”

“Good God,” Benjamin said. He walked to his bed and looked under his pillow.

“Benjamin?”

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“What!”

“I don’t want you to leave tomorrow until you know where you’re going.”

He turned around, holding the pillow in one of his hands, and frowned at her.

“I want you to have a definite plan before you leave.”

“What for,” he said.

“Because I want you to.”

“Well, do you want me to leave or not.”

She nodded.

“Then what’s this all about.”

“Will you tell me a definite plan before you leave?”

“Well, are you concerned about me or something?”

“Benjamin,” she said, standing up from the chair, “You came up here because of me. You sold your car because of me. You’ve changed your entire life because of me and now you’re leaving because of me.”

“So?”

“So you make me responsible for you,” she said.

Benjamin turned around and put the pillow back at the head of the bed. “Elaine?”

“I don’t want to be worried that you’re drunk out in some gutter because of me.”

“Oh my God.”

“Then what are you going to do!”

“I don’t know!” he said, turning around and taking a step toward her. “I don’t know! I don’t know!” I don’t know!”

“Well, make up your mind before you go.”

“Elaine,” he said, “what business is it of yours what I do.”

“You make it my business, Benjamin.”

“I don’t.”

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“What do you mean you don’t,” she said. “Do you think I can just ignore somebody who rearranges their life because of me?”

“Come on, Elaine.”

“Do you think I can?”

“Why can’t you.”

“Because I can’t.”

“Then you’re a phony.”

“What?”

“Elaine, you’re a phony,” he said. “If you tell me to leave one minute, then tell me to stay the next, then—”

Elaine turned around and walked toward the door. “Good-bye,”

she said.

“Well Elaine?”

She slammed the door behind her. Benjamin heard her walking quickly down the stairs and then out the front door. The front door banged shut and then he hurried out of his room and after her. When he caught up with her she was almost to the corner. “Elaine,” he said.

She shook her head and kept walking.

“Elaine?”

“Just get out of here,” she said. She stopped on the curb, looked down the street, then walked across to the other side.

“I’m sorry I said that, Elaine.”

“Will you just leave please?” she said. She reached up to wipe one of her cheeks with the back of her hand but kept walking.

“Elaine!” Benjamin said. He took her arm but she pulled it away.

“Elaine, I didn’t mean that.”

“Don’t you see what you’re doing?” she said, stopping suddenly to look up at him.

“What?”

“Can’t you see what’s happening? What’s going to happen?”

He frowned at her. “What is,” he said. When she didn’t answer he looked down at the sidewalk. “Anyway I didn’t mean that,” he said.

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A student walked past them carrying a book. Benjamin glanced at him, then back at Elaine. “Well Elaine?” he said.

“What.”

“Do you want me to stay around then? Till I figure out what I’m going to do?”

“Do what you want,” she said.

“But I mean if you’d worry about me then I’ll try and get a definite plan before I go.”

She took his hand and looked at it. “Do what you want,” she said, “will you?” She looked up into his face a moment, then dropped his hand and walked on down the sidewalk.

“Well Elaine?”

She didn’t stop or look back.

“Elaine, I’ll try and get a definite plan,” he said after her.

She kept walking.

“Elaine?” he said. “I’ll call you in a day or two when I have a definite plan. All right?”

She continued on down the sidewalk.

“All right, Elaine?”

She turned around the corner and out of sight.

It was several days later that he called her. It was in the evening. He ate dinner in the university cafeteria, then walked up toward his rooming house and into the phone booth on the corner of his block.

“This is Benjamin,” he said when she answered. “I’m still here.”

She didn’t say anything.

“I say I’m still here.”

“I heard you.”

Benjamin nodded.

“Do you have any plans yet?”

“No.”

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For a long time it was quiet. Benjamin looked down through the glass walls of the booth at a torn piece of paper in the gutter. When he was finished looking at it he raised his head and cleared his throat.

“Elaine?” he said.

“What.”

“I mean what do you want me to do.”

She was quiet.

“You see, I don’t know quite where I stand,” he said. “Do you want me to go or do you want me to stay.”

“Well, don’t you have a mind?” she said.

“What?”

“Well, don’t you have a mind?” she said.

“Of course.”

“Then why don’t you make it up.”

“Well, Elaine. I mean you said not to go until I had some plans.”

“And you don’t.”

“Well I don’t have any good ones,” he said. “I was thinking I might take a trip up through Canada but I decided against it.”

“Well what am I supposed to do.”

“What?”

“What am I supposed to do!”

“About what.”

“About you.”

“Well you told me you’d worry unless I had something definite.”

“Do you think I can study?”

“What?”

“Do you think I can think?”

“Well, Elaine.”

“Do you think I can do anything with you on my mind twenty-four—”

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“Now Elaine,” Benjamin said. “You told me you’d worry unless I had definite plans.”

It was quiet again. Finally Elaine cleared her throat. “What’s wrong with Canada,” she said.

“I lost interest.”

“How about Mexico.”

“I’ve been there.”

“Hawaii?”

“No.”

“Why not.”

“I have no urge to go there.”

“Well what do you have an urge to do.”

“Nothing,” he said.

“What do you do then.”

“What?”

“If you don’t have the urge to do anything what do you do all the time.

What did you do today.”

“Went to the show.”

“How was it.”

“All right,” he said. He frowned. “But I mean what do you want me to do.”

“Can’t you think?”

“I can think Elaine, but you said to stay around.”

“Then stay around.”

“But I’m having trouble making plans.”

“Benjamin,” she said. “I want you to do something, because I’m going crazy.”

“You are.”

“Yes I am.”

“Then tell me to leave,” he said. “All you have to do is tell me to leave, then I’ll leave.”

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She didn’t answer.

“Will you do that?”

“I’m trying to write a paper.”

“All right. But could you just tell me you want me to go, please?”

“Are you simple?” she said.

“What?”

“I mean what do I have to say to you, Benjamin.”

“Well you have to say either that you want me to go or you want me to stay.”

“Do I?”

“Well yes,” he said. “If you’re going to worry about me, then I’d better not go till I have a plan. Are you going to worry about me?”

“Benjamin,” she said. “What do you think. Do you think I even would have come to this phone if I—”

“Shall I go or shall I stay!”

“I think you are simple.”

“I’m not simple, Elaine.”

“Then can’t you—can’t you see the way I feel?”

“Well why don’t you tell me the way you feel.”

“Goodbye, Benjamin.”

Benjamin frowned. “Well, shall I go then?” he said.

“Why don’t you.”

“Why don’t I go?”

“Yes.”

“All right,” he said. “I mean that’s all you had to say.”

Elaine hung up.

Two hours later Benjamin had finished packing. He snapped the locks shut on his suitcase and set it on the floor. Then he walked down the hall to brush his teeth. When he was finished he carried his toothbrush and toothpaste back into his room and reopened his suitcase and packed them into it. Then he undressed, put on his pajamas and went to bed.

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Sometime later in the night he woke up. He turned over and was just about asleep again when he heard somebody’s throat being cleared in the room. “What?” he said. He sat up in his bed but there was no answer. “Hello?” he said. Again it was quiet. He sat a long time frowning into the darkness, then suddenly the light was turned on.

Elaine was standing beside the door.

He blinked. “Elaine?” he said.

She didn’t answer him but remained standing just inside the doorway with her hand on the light switch.

Benjamin sat up farther in his bed. “What’s happening,” he said.

She lowered her hand from the light switch.

“What’s happening,” Benjamin said again. He waited a while longer and when she still didn’t answer he slowly pushed the covers back and stepped down onto the floor. “What is it,” he said, walking slowly across the room toward her in his pajamas.

She shook her head.

Benjamin stopped several feet from her and leaned slightly forward.

“Have you been crying?” he said.

She cleared her throat quietly but didn’t say anything.

“What’s wrong,” Benjamin said. He took another step toward her.

“Benjamin?”

“What.”

“Will you kiss me?”

He waited a moment, then took a final step toward her and raised his arms slowly up around her. He bent his head down and kissed her. For a long time neither of them moved, then Elaine put her arms around him and again neither of them moved until Benjamin lifted his head.

“Elaine?” he said, frowning over the top of her head and out into the hallway.

“What.”

“Will you marry me?”

She shook her head.

“You won’t?”

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“I don’t know,” she said quietly.

“But you might?”

She nodded.

“You might, did you say?”

“I might.”

“Is that so? You might marry me?”

“What time is it.”

“Well wait a minute,” Benjamin said. Keeping one arm around her he leaned sideways and closed the door with his other hand.

“What time is it.”

“Well sit down here,” Benjamin said. “Sit down here a minute and talk.”

“I can’t.”

“You can’t talk?”

“I can’t stay.”

“Here,” Benjamin said. He walked to his desk for the chair and set it in the center of the room.

“What time is it.”

“Sit down here, Elaine.”

“I have to go.”

“Go?”

“I have to be in by twelve.”

“In the dormitory?”

She nodded.

“Well look,” Benjamin said. He glanced at his watch. “You’ve got five minutes yet. Sit down, Elaine.”

“I can’t.”

“But you might marry me, did you say?”

“I don’t know.”

“But you might?”

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She nodded.

“You aren’t joking me.”

“No.”

“You aren’t drunk or something.”

“No.”

“Well when.”

“What?”

“When shall we get married,” he said. “Tomorrow?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t know what’s happening.”

He walked back to stand in front of her again. “You don’t know what’s happening?”

“No.”

“You mean you’re confused?”

She nodded.

“Well look,” he said. “Don’t be confused. We’re getting married.”

“I don’t see how we can,” she said.

“We just can.”

“I’m going back now.”

“But Elaine?”

“What.”

“I mean what’s happening.”

“I don’t know,” she said. She turned around and opened the door.

“Elaine,” he said. He took her arm. “I mean are you serious about this?”

“I’ll think about it.”

“You really will?”

“Yes.”

He turned her around again and kissed her. “Well Elaine?” he said when he was through.

“What.”

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“Let’s get together sometime.”

She nodded.

“Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow night,” she said. “Goodbye.” She turned around and walked out through the door, closing it behind her.

Benjamin stared at it a few moments, then turned and hurried across his room to the window and pushed it open. “Elaine?” he said.