The Girl in the Comfortable Quiet (15 page)

My brows hitch up. “Really? I’ll go down with
you.”

“No, stay. We’ll stop in your room and check on
Kaley before we turn in. I’ll call you if there’s a problem. But there won’t
be. So stay.”

She practically pushes me back into my seat. What
the heck is up with her? And then everything speeds up around me. Hugs, kisses,
goodbyes all at once.

I am suddenly alone on the rooftop with Alan
before I even know how it’s happened.

I stare into my wine.
Not good, Chrissie. Not
good.

I look at him. “Is something wrong?”

With easy grace, Alan rises from his chair and
settles on the spot beside me on the sofa only recently vacated by Linda.

“Not a thing. Why would you wonder that?” he
murmurs softly.

I stare up at him. “You’ve been very quiet
tonight. You feel pissed off to me.”

He laughs. “Why would I be angry? I’m never angry
when I’m with you, Chrissie.”

I don’t know what to say to that. Or rather I
don’t know what to say after
how
he said that.

“No?” I finally manage to say. “I recall a time
or two you were very angry and with me.”

A slight smile touches his lips. “No. Never.”

Beneath his unreadable surface I feel just a
smidge of
my Alan
in there.

I study his face, suspicious. “Why did you chase
everyone off?”

He shakes his head. “I didn’t. You did.”

“Me?”

Those black eyes hold me like a caress. “When you
walked through that door you took my breath away. You look stunning tonight,
Chrissie. I’ve been lost in my thoughts ever since. It makes me bad company.
That’s why everyone left.”

“Good thoughts or bad thoughts?” I ask, hiding
behind a dose of deliberate silly.

His eyes lock on me. “A little of both.”

“I don’t know how I should take that.”

His gaze changes into something smoky and hooded.
“Don’t take it any way.”

I lower my gaze. I notice that I’m sitting tense
on the edge of the seat. I ease back and turn a little into him.

Four hours later, we’re still talking and sipping
wine on the patio. It’s nearly dawn. I don’t know where the minutes went, but I
don’t want to go back to my room, even though I know I need to.

I just want to stay longer. We’ve talked about
nothing, meaningless tidbits of nothing, the same way we talked all night when
I called to thank him for Kaley’s gifts and to tell him I wanted us to be
friends.

Hours of harmless nothing that have left me
consumed by him. As if my senses are no longer my own, they are his, in that
way that used to be
us
before I ruined it. I’m feeling it so strongly,
in a way that hasn’t visited me in years. That unrelenting pull to move closer
to him, though we are sitting too close now.

I concentrate on the cherry tip of his cigarette.
I tell myself not to, but I just want to touch him, only a little. I lift the
cigarette from his hand, my fingers brushing his, before I quickly pull them
back, close my lips around the filter and take a shallow puff.

Alan laughs, tired and amused. “What are you
doing, Chrissie? You don’t smoke.”

I exhale slowly. “Yes I do. Not a lot. Only when
I drink. Never more than one puff. I think it’s a Catholic girl thing. We puff
when we drink.”

I set the cigarette back into the hold of his
index and middle finger. I’m suddenly feeling overwhelmed by my emotions.

I feel him studying me. “What are you thinking,
Chrissie?”

I lower my gaze. “That I’m a pretty rotten
friend. That I should thank you, Alan, for everything you’ve done for me.
You’ve been a really good friend to me and I thought I should tell you that.”

He takes a long drag of his cigarette. It looks
like he’s debating what to say to me. He laughs. “I am a great friend to all my
ex-lovers.” He smiles, a charming sort of self-deprecating smile. “Now I just
have to figure out how to be a great friend to my current lovers.”

That comment stirs more in me than I want it to.
Thoughts of us in New York. The craziness. How much I loved him. How kind and
gentle he always was with me.

I tilt my head and peek at Alan from beneath my
lashes. “You were a great friend, when we were lovers, to me.”

Those black eyes lock on me. He puts out his
cigarette. “Tell me what’s going on, Chrissie. I know when something is wrong
with you. It’s been obvious for the last few weeks. Longer, actually. I’m
starting to get concerned. I’d like to help you if you’d let me.”

I struggle to maintain my composure, even though
my heart is lodged in my throat from suddenly understanding what’s been
happening here. Alan maneuvered the entire evening so he could chat me up and lull
me into a comfort zone because he wanted me to tell him what’s going on with
me.

A part of me is touched that he still cares
enough to make such an effort over me. The greater part—definitely irrationally
so—is hurt.

“There is nothing wrong, Alan. I’m OK. Everything
is good. But thank you for worrying and thank you for asking. You really are a
wonderful friend.”

He leans forward into me. The voice I hear is not
the one I expect. “Chrissie.”

I stand up and turn toward the rooftop entrance.
Neil is crossing the terrace toward me.

“Neil, what are you doing here? Why didn’t you
tell me you were coming?”

His hands cup my cheeks and he kisses me deeply,
passionately. He eases back from me. “I was a jerk when you left, and I wanted
to come, tell you that and that I’m sorry.”

I rest my cheek against his chest to hide my
expression. “You didn’t have to do this.”

He buries his lips in my hair. “Yes I did. I love
you, Chrissie.”

His arms tremble as he holds me tightly clutched
against him. My lids drift open and I see Alan watching us. My heart clenches.
There are times those black eyes hurt me so.

~~~

We
return to the hotel room and Neil takes me to the bed. He undresses us quickly,
pushes me back against the mattress and covers me with his body. He is on fire.
He plunges into me hard and deep. Unexpectedly, a thrill runs through me.
Bludgeoning carnality. Him taking me. Me taking him. Hard fucking, emotionally
vacant, disconnected sex.

We both are on fire. Out of nowhere. In a way we
haven’t been for years.

My head sways on the pillow as he thrusts into
me. I haven’t felt the burning climb this quickly, this way in too long. I am
dripping and pulsing, desperate and hungry.

Neil groans into my mouth, pumping, filling,
searching in my flesh. I look at his face, passion-taut. His eyes are closed.
Through my swirling senses I feel a prick. His body is here but he is lost in
his own thoughts just like I am.

But the thrusts are good. I’m almost there. My
hips start to move more fiercely, using his body to hit all my spots of
arousal, just as Neil is using my body to fuck whoever he is in his head.

It’s messed up. Wrong. It won’t fix anything. I
should probably stop this. My lids drift closed and behind them all I see is
black. I come apart, wet and tight and throbbing around him.

“Oh fuck,” Neil growls, plunging painfully into
me, overwhelmed by his climax and the intensity of his release.

He collapses atop my body. We are both breathing
heavily. I stare. I pant. I am frazzled and disoriented by what we just did.

Neil rolls off me. I want to cry. I want to get
angry. I can’t do either. I know who I just fucked in my thoughts. I can’t hide
from the truth any longer. But who was Neil fucking in his head?

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Two
weeks later

I
hurry through our hotel suite trying to find Neil. I go to the nursery, and
hang back in the doorway.

Neil is sitting on the floor with Kaley, and they
are playing blocks. He’s such a good father. It’s been a huge help having him
travel with us. The list of the things I’ve done badly has never included
having Neil as Kaley’s father.

I do a fast inspection of him. He looks good. The
final two weeks on the road haven’t been a completely awful thing. He looks
better than he did when he got to Rome. And today, in London, he looks like
my
Neil
. Well, at least my Neil when he is with Kaley.

Neil looks up.

I hold my arms wide. “Do I look OK?”

He shakes his head, his eyes shimmering. “You’re
beautiful, Chrissie. Why do you ask? You always look beautiful.”

I smile. “What time does our plane for Santa
Barbara leave tomorrow?”

“We should be at the airstrip by 10 a.m.”

I make a face. “
Airstrip?
Jack is going to
give you such crap if you’ve decided it’s private aviation for us from now on.
But with Kaley, definitely a good call, Neil.”

He laughs then looks at Kaley. She’s pulling his
arm, fighting for his attention. He sets another block on their stack.

I watch them for a moment. “You’re joining us for
dinner, right?”

He nods.

I check my watch. “How long do you think you’ll
be before you get to the restaurant?”

He shrugs. “Half hour. Nothing more.” He picks up
Kaley, lying back on the floor. He gives her a kiss and holds her in the air
above him. She’s giggling. “I’ll be right behind you. As soon as I get this
demon asleep.”

He blows on her stomach. She laughs harder.

I cross the room to him. I kiss Kaley on the
cheek and then Neil on the top of his head. “Let’s not stay late. Let’s get out
of there early since we have a morning plane tomorrow. I’m so ready to be back
home. I’m glad this tour is done for me.”

“Fine, Chrissie.”

I leave the hotel room, take the elevator to the
first floor, navigate through the crowded lobby, and cross the busy street.

The interior of the restaurant is dark, smoky and
loud. I’m ushered to the table in the private alcove. Alan and his entourage
are already here. I sink down in the vacant chair beside Linda which she
has
pretty much decided is my customary spot. Next to her. A good distance from
Alan.
So
obvious what you are thinking, Linda, but it has kept peace
with Neil.

She leans into me. “Where’s Neil? Isn’t he
coming?”

I crinkle my nose. “Kaley is still awake. He’s
trying to get her to sleep. He’s coming, though.”

The minutes tick by. Everyone is in a good mood.
It’s the end of the European leg for them; for me, the end of the tour.

I check my watch. I frown. Two hours? Neil said
he’d be right behind me. I wonder if there is a problem with Kaley.

Linda turns toward me. “Is something wrong,
Chrissie?”

I look up. “Neil said he would be right behind me
when I left our room. It’s been two hours. Maybe something is wrong with
Kaley.”

She gestures toward the bar. “I saw Neil in there
about an hour ago.” She laughs, a little drunk. “I was so busy talking it
didn’t even occur to me that he didn’t join us.”

She laughs harder. I smile but inside I’m feeling
anxious, though I don’t know why. It doesn’t make sense Neil would come to the
restaurant and not join me at the table.

I stand. “Maybe Neil got hung up with something.
I’ll be right back.”

Linda nods, smiles, and gestures with her
wineglass again. “That way, Chrissie. Hurry back, though, dear.”

I hurry from the table into the crowded bar. I
look. Nope, I don’t see him. I notice an exit sign. An outdoor bar. Maybe Neil
went there.

I push through the doors and I’m hit with a blast
of cold. God, it’s freaking freezing out here. Rubbing my hands up and down my
arms to stay warm, my gaze searches the patio. Empty.

I start to turn back.

“But my life isn’t my own,” I hear Neil exclaim
in a ragged growl.

Frantically, my gaze roams. I freeze. Neil is
standing in a dark corner of the patio and I can tell by his stance he is upset
and arguing with someone.

“All that making it big means is there are more
people watching me,” Neil continues. “I have less freedom. I’m more isolated.
Everyone expecting something and depending on me and telling me what to do.
Fucking marriage. When do I get something I want? Something for me? Never.
That’s how my life is.”

My heart stills in my chest and my emotions go
into chaotic free fall. I’m about to go to Neil when another voice stops me.

“You just have to be careful,” someone says from
an area of the patio I can’t see but—oh no, I know that voice.

I move just enough to see who Neil is talking
this way with.
Andy!
What the hell is Andy doing in London and why is
Neil talking about personal stuff and especially about us?

“Tell them you want some time off,” Andy advises.
“Take some time for you. Just be careful. You can have it all if you want it.
There is no reason you can’t.”

“Careful,” Neil says, frustrated. “That’s how I
live every fucking minute of my life. I just want to take off. Disappear. Go
somewhere. Anywhere. Where I don’t have to think. Where I can just breathe and
be.”

“Chrissie seems like an all right girl. Like she
really cares about you. Tell her the truth. Tell her you need some downtime.
Alone. She’ll understand.”

My body goes cold.
Understand? Understand
what?

Neil rakes a hand through his hair. “It doesn’t
work that way. Not in marriage. Not when you have a kid. Not with any girl. Not
even with Chrissie.”

“If you need space from her, she should be willing
to give it,” Andy says supportively, but somehow it sounds like a criticism of
me.

Neil shakes his head. “Can’t do it. And I won’t
do it. Not to her. I need to keep the marriage working. My whole fucking world
falls apart if the marriage falls apart. I can’t let her know how I’m feeling.
She takes everything too hard.”

“I’m sorry, man. It must suck being trapped this
way,” Andy says and he steps in and gives Neil a firm, wraparound hug, patting
him on the back.

I watch in disbelief, stunned by both what I’m
witnessing and what I’ve heard. Since when have Neil and Andy been
this good
of friends again? Good enough friends to talk about our private junk, the kind
of things Neil should be talking about to me and won’t anymore. It feels like I
suddenly don’t know my husband, seeing him with Andy, which is strange.

As for the things Neil said about me, our
marriage, I can’t grab hold of any of it well enough to even process what Neil
said. Coming face-to-face with the discovery that it is not my imagination,
that somehow things have gone terribly wrong with Neil and me, is too
overwhelming on its own to deal with.

How did my marriage get this bad, with Andy
replacing me as Neil’s confidant and friend? What is happening in my life?

I can’t take in air. They are talking, standing
close to each other, and I can’t hear the words but their gestures and body
language make everything inside me more chaotic. I’m completely unnerved.

I take a step backward toward the door I left
open, hoping to get out of here before Neil finds me watching them, but Neil
looks up and turns, startled. His eyes fix on me and something flashes in his
gaze that instinctively sends me at a run away from them.

I don’t know why I’m running from him. I don’t
know what I witnessed. Not really, since I didn’t hear the entire conversation.
It could be just a big giant nothing taken out of context. Neil can’t want out
of the marriage. It isn’t that, yet my suddenly frazzled nerves scream not to
stay and find out.

I disappear into the long, dark, narrow hallway,
darting past bodies. I slow my step just before cutting into the stuffy,
overcrowded restaurant.

“Chrissie, will you stop?” I hear Neil shout too
loudly, anxiously, from behind me.

I stumble into a full cart of dishes on my way to
the table where Alan and his mob are still laughing and drinking. It would be
so much better if no one were there, if they’d all magically deserted the
restaurant so I could grab my stuff and get out of here without anyone seeing
what I can fast tell is going to be a scene if Neil catches me.

I can hear Neil calling after me again, his voice
softer, but I can’t bring into focus his words. Everything pressing in on me is
dark, suffocating, and unclear.

Linda notices me first. Her eyes widen, her gaze
rapidly shifting from me to what I am sure is Neil close behind, and I can see
the moment she realizes something is wrong.

Her expression changes into one of alarm.
“Chrissie, what’s going on?”

Her voice cuts through the ear-splitting
cacophony with the loudness of a launching space shuttle. Damn, why does Linda
have to always be so loud? Any hope this would pass discreetly dies an instant
death.

They are all staring at me now. I avoid Alan’s
sharp watching gaze as I motion across the table at Len. “Can you hand me my
things, please?”

Neil’s voice cuts through the low hum that
descended over the table with my arrival. “Don’t you ever walk away from me
again,” he shouts, causing me to whirl in time to see him kicking a chair.

It takes a moment for my mind to catch up and
believe he actually did that. Oh no, I’ve seen that expression before. Totally
together, always calm Neil is in complete disarray. Furious. Edgy. Coiled as if
ready to explode. I don’t know why he’s angry, since I am the one who should be
pissed off and my only offense was listening to a conversation where my husband
complained about our marriage to a guy I thought we both despised.

I stare at him, dread curling in my digestive
tract. “What’s wrong with you tonight?”

“I’m tired of the bullshit, Chrissie. Tired of everything.”

I feel the heavy pressure of too many eyes on me
all at once. A flash burn covers my skin. How could Neil say that in front of
all these people and more than a few members of the press?

I lift my chin. “Then why don’t you just leave
since you’re tired of everything? Fly back to Santa Barbara without me.”

Neil’s expression rapidly changes. “Jesus Christ,
Chrissie. I didn’t mean you. Why do you overreact to every fucking little
thing?”

“I don’t,” I manage to counter, and inside I know
he did mean me. I can feel it, sharp and clear inside me. His pent-up
restlessness and physical distance, the time off he talked about on the patio;
it was about me. Not everything else. He wants time off from me and our
marriage.

I stare at him with painfully wide and stricken
eyes. “I’m getting out of here. You do whatever you want to do.”

I lean across the table, taking my stuff from
Len.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper to no one in particular
without making eye contact with any of them.

I start to leave. Neil reaches for me. I try to
twist away, but his fingers tighten on my arm.

“Take your hand off me, Neil.”

When he doesn’t immediately respond, Alan stands
up and this horrible moment just drops another notch lower. Time seems to stop,
hover, and then Neil steps back.

I keep my eyes carefully averted as I make my way
through the room, somehow maintaining my composure even though everything
inside me is frantically twirling.

I’m breathing heavily by the time I reach the
street and what little steadiness I have is gone. I start to move anxiously,
shaking my hands, trying to figure out what just happened and what to do.

Neil doesn’t follow me. I sort of thought he
would. But he wants away from me. And I don’t know why. What did I do? What is
wrong with me that he wants away?

I’m brushing fiercely at my tears as warm hands
slip over my shoulders. I’m turned into Linda’s chest and she is holding me.

“It will be all right, Chrissie,” she says
gently, her fingers moving soothingly on my back. “It’s just a fight. It’s not
the end of the world. All men are stupid at times. We’ll go back to the hotel.
You two take a night apart. It will all smooth out on its own by morning.”

I stare up at her, bathed in that
Linda-can-fix-anything aura, wanting to believe her, but I can feel that something
is very wrong and it is only going to go more wrong from here.

All smooth out? How do you smooth out your
husband no longer wanting to be with you?

~~~

The
hotel room door opens and I shove my tissue into my robe pocket. I look at the
clock. 11 a.m.

“Where the hell have you been all night, Neil?”