The Game Series (62 page)

“He’s the reason you cut, isn’t he?” Blake asks me softly, yet angrily.

I nod. “The pain from cutting took away the pain from him. When I cut, I couldn’t feel the bruises from the punches or the kicks. I couldn’t feel the pain inside from the person I trusted, the person I was sure I loved, breaking me into two. I lived in fear constantly. I had to double check what I was wearing, the way I’d done my hair, how I was acting, who I was talking to, the plans I was making. All of it had to be Pearce-approved. I wasn’t allowed to look attractive for other guys or spend my weekends with the girls like I used to.

“Maddie kept trying to get through to me. She’d accepted Pearce for what he was – hopelessly addicted to heroin without an escape in sight. I didn’t want to accept that, so I didn’t. Or maybe I was too scared to accept it. I think that’s probably right, considering how much I feared him. Eventually, she gave up because she couldn’t get through to me. I was blinded by the Pearce I remembered and a faint childish hope that Pearce would one day come back. He never did and he never would.”

I open my eyes, and Blake holds my hand even tighter, his other fist clenched. His jaw is clenched shut and his eyes are hard.

“I put up with it for so long. All the abuse… The kicks, the punches, the shoves… I hid it every time, relishing the winter when there was always thick sweaters to wear to cover the bruises on my arms from slipping on the ice. No one knew, no one except Maddie, but even then she couldn’t prove it. I’d never admit it. I was stuck in a loop; go out, get hit, come home, cut. It repeated itself several times a week until I finally broke. Until he finally broke me.

“His friends were all assholes, but I’ll always silently thank Jake for walking in when he did. If he didn’t walk in with the heroin that would calm Pearce, I have no doubt he would have taken it further than he ever did. His temperament, that day, had changed from physically violent to… something worse. You know, I can’t even say the words. It’s been a year, and he never actually did it, but I still can’t say them.

“That’s when I decided. I knew I’d never been that scared in my life before. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t scream, I could barely even talk. My parents were out of town on a work trip, so I gathered all the razors I could find and snapped them under my foot, taking the blades out. I was scared they’d get blunt and I wouldn’t be able to move to get another, that I’d be stuck in some sort of crazy limbo between life and death until I was found. Then I ran a bath, stripped to my underwear, and climbed in it.”

The water had been hot, red hot, but I’d barely felt it as I sank my body into the tub. All I felt was the ice cold metal already slicing into my palm where I was gripping it so tightly and the sweet release of my blood breaking through my skin. I opened my hand, looked at the blades, and set them all except one on the side of the bath.

“It was freeing, knowing what I was doing. In my mind there was no way it wouldn’t work. There was no way anyone could know or that anyone would find me. I was spurred on by the thought I wouldn’t be in pain anymore.”

“Weren’t you scared?”

“There’s no reason to be scared of death if you’re already living in hell.”

The blade slid across my skin easily, and a part of me reveled in the splitting of my skin and the spilling of my blood. I took the metal from my skin and touched it to a different place, leisurely moving it across my stomach. I watched in awe as my blood mixed with the bath water, swirling and swilling around me.

A part of me knew this was wrong, knew what I was feeling wasn’t right, but I couldn’t stop. I had to make the pain stop, because that was all I could feel. I was numb physically, exhausted mentally, and drained emotionally.

I just wanted to breathe again
.

Blake’s arms go around me, and his chest heaves. He buries his face in my hair, and I squeeze my eyes shut as I remember. I remember the sting, the only thing I felt at all, and I remember counting the minutes and cuts, keeping them in time with the other. One cut per minute. One fresh bleed every sixty seconds.

Tears wracked my body, great heaving sobs, and I jabbed the tiny blade into my skin over and over. I wasn’t even cutting anymore, I was shredding. I was shredding and mauling my skin like it would make me bleed faster. I sliced my way up my leg to my thigh, where I paused, trying to determine where my artery was. Where I could cut to end it in minutes.

“Then I got desperate. I wasn’t bleeding fast enough. I needed to bleed more, faster, harder, deeper. I needed it over, and I needed it over right that second.”

I had only a rough idea. I took a punt. I pushed the razor blade into my skin harder than I ever had and tore it up my leg. Blood spilled out of the gash, flooding the water with a brilliant, vivid red, and I sobbed harder and harder. I sobbed for everything I was leaving behind and the pain that would be caused.

But my pain was greater than any that would be caused by my death. No one could possibly hurt more than I was
.

“That’s the last thing I remember,” I whisper, turning my face so my ear is over Blake’s heart. The steady thumping calms me. “I passed out from blood loss. I don’t know how long I was there for before Maddie found me, but she did. I hate myself for that, you know? I hate that out of all the people in the world that could find me that way, it was my best friend. She’d already watched her mom die in front of her, and I’d left the very real possibility she was going to watch her best friend die, too.”

“But you didn’t,” Blake says hoarsely.

I shake my head. “No. I didn’t. She called an ambulance, and they saved me. They told me later about the cut on my thigh, but apparently I’d done enough of a job I would have been dead within the hour if Maddie didn’t come.”

“What if she didn’t?”

“Then I would have haunted her late ass for the rest of her life.” I laugh a little. “I used to wish she didn’t come, but now I’m glad she did. She really did save my life.”

Blake breathes in heavily. “And goddamn it, Abbi, I’m glad she did.”

“Me too.”

“But her brother or not, I think I might just fucking kill him if I ever see him.”

A smile twitches at my lips. “You’ll be waiting a while. He’s in jail.”

“For what he did to you?”

“No. For drugs. Fifteen years. I never went to the police – there was no point. I was too ill to stand in court and I didn’t even know he’d been arrested until I came home. He’s getting what he deserves. His life is on hold and mine is going on. It’s a long, hard slog sometimes, but I’m living. He’s just alive.”

Blake strokes my hair gently, his fingers threading through the strands, and I feel him press a kiss to the top of my head.

“Bloody right you’re living,” he says. “And, I promise you, I’ll show you exactly what you should expect from a guy.”

“Which is what?”

“Everything you could ever want and need. But that rule only applies to you, because we all have to get what we deserve, and you deserve the world and more.”

I wrap my arms around his waist and bury my face in his neck. “I already have it.”

The week leading up to our performance is filled with a heady mixture of work, endless dancing sessions, and watching Abbi fight with herself over the choice she’s made about us. I see it every time we dance – the things that haunt her are all too real now she’s finally let herself talk to me about it. They’re so real even I can see them, and they hang over her like the weighty cloud they are.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve told her we’ll slow down and take a step back. I’ve also lost count of how many times she’s told me to shut up.

Today is the first time I’ve seen her excited. She’s practically bouncing on the balls of her feet with a childish smile on her face as we wait outside her house for Maddie, her boyfriend, and her dad.

“So Maddie and Braden met because of a game, right?” I frown.

“Yeah. Both of their friends challenged them to make the other fall in love with them within a month. Kind of coincidental, I know, but hey.”

“I’m guessing they both succeeded.”

“God, you’re clever today.” She grins at me.

I smirk, tugging on a lock of her hair. “Don’t start with me, Jenkins.”

“Or what, Smith?”

“Or this.” I grab her and pull her against me, holding her tightly.

“I don’t see the problem.” She relaxes into my hold.

“Huh. I guess that kind of backfired, right?”

“Yep.” She laughs. “Okay, um, something you should know about Braden.”

“This doesn’t sound good.”

“No, it’s not bad. He’s just… Well, he’s kind of obnoxious if I’m honest. He’s the guy you love to hate.”

“Fuckin’ hell, my reputation precedes me again,” a guy’s voice says from behind Abbi.

“Dollar,” Maddie’s voice demands. “Now.”

“Mads…”

“No. One dollar, Braden.”

Braden sighs, digging into his pocket, and looks at Abbi. “You heard this crap, Abbi? She’s making me pay every time I swear. My girlfriend and my mother are conspiring against me.”

“So she should,” Abbi replies. “You swear too much.”

“Thank you.” Maddie takes the dollar from Braden’s hand and tucks it into her own pocket. “Don’t worry, it’s going to a good cause.”

“Sure as hell isn’t,” Braden mutters.

“Hey, if you stop swearing now, you won’t have to take me to dinner at all.”

Abbi snorts. “You’re making him take you to dinner with the money you’re taking for him swearing?”

Maddie beams. “Yep. I debated a pair of shoes first, but thought he should see
some
of it. Although, the shoe thing is totally plausible. The amount he swears, it’d only take a couple of months to save up for some Jimmy Choos or something.”

“You’re not buying fu-“ Braden pauses. “Fudging shoes with the money you take off me for swearing.”

She narrows her eyes, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “I’m debating charging you fifty cents for an almost swear.”

I smile into the back of Abbi’s head, understanding why Maddie is Abbi’s best friend. The girl is bloody brilliant.

“Don’t make me threaten you, Stevens,” Braden threatens.

“Honey…” Maddie places her hands on his chest and gazes up at him. “There’s nothing you could threaten me with that wouldn’t hurt you more. Sweet of you to try, though.” She pats him and winks at me. “Hi, Blake. Meet my caveman, Braden. Caveman, this is Blake.”

“Alright, mate,” I say, and we shake hands briefly.

“I will be soon. Abbi, tell me your dad has beer in that house.”

“Of course he does. It’s the fourth of July. What do you take him for?” Abbi scoffs.

“I told you.” Maddie pokes his arm. “Now you and Blake can go inside and find her dad and do guy stuff.”

“Tryin’ to get rid of me, Angel?” Braden looks at her.

“Me? Never.” Maddie turns to me. “Between you and me, I am. He’s done nothing but talk about how this is the first Independence Day he’s spent not on the beach, the poor baby.”

“I swear, Maddie…”

“Yes, Braden, you do. You swear a freakin’ lot. We all know.”

He takes a deep breath but there’s a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “You know what? I’m gonna go get that beer.” He looks at me. “Comin’?”

Go and get a beer, or stay with what looks like Double Trouble. No brainer. “Yep, I’m coming.”

We all walk into the house, Abbi and Maddie heading towards the stairs and us to the garden.

Maddie pauses. “Braden?”

“Yes, Angel?” He turns around, a smile on his face.

She twists her lips into an amused smirk. “Be nice.”

“I’m always nice.” He grins.

~

Abbi was right. The guy is obnoxious, but you can’t help but like him. He’s honest and has no issues with saying what’s on his mind when it’s on his mind. Quite like Maddie, so I’m not surprised they have an almost constant comfortable banter that entertains everyone around them.

And, since beer loosens people’s tongues, she’s already added seven dollars to her collection from him.

“I carry one dollar bills around for that reason,” he grumbles, handing over the ninth. “She better pick a damn expensive restaurant, I tell you that.”

“She’s a girl. She’ll have no problems there,” I reply.

“Ha! True that.” He leans back on the chair. “Better the restaurant than the shoes. She has enough, and half of them are in my freakin’ bedroom.”

I smirk. “So you guys are at college in California, right?”

“Yeah. I grew up there.”

“Why didn’t you stay down there for this weekend?”

“Almost did. I would have if it wasn’t for Maddie. Fourth of July was her mom’s favorite holiday when she was alive. It didn’t feel right asking her to stay with my parents when I knew she really wanted to be here. Besides, she misses Abbi like fuckin’ crazy when she’s at college.”

“Abbi’s the same about her.” I look over at them giggling like two kids.

“They’re joined at the damn hip when they’re together. I remember the first time I came home with Maddie and she introduced us. Abbi was a total different person, but the second those girls got talking she turned into the girl she is right now. I’m pretty sure she hated me at first, if I’m honest.” He pauses. “In fact, I’m not entirely sure she likes me that much now.”

We both laugh.

“She does.” I watch her as she tucks her hair behind her ear, exposing the side of her face to me. “She’s comfortable with you, at least. I can tell.”

I can feel Braden’s eyes on me, as if he’s deciding whether or not to say something. The silence lasts only a minute.

“She’s told you.”

Not a question.

I nod.

“Everything?”

“In as few words as she could.”

“Shit the bed.” He exhales and takes his eyes from me, turning them in the direction mine are in. On the girls. “She trusts you.”

“I know.”

“Nah, man. I mean she really fuckin’ trusts you. She could barely tell herself about what she’d been through three months ago, and now she’s told you everything. That’s important for her, y’know? When I first met her she was a shadow of the person she is now, and she was adamant all she cared about was Juilliard. No guys. She wasn’t interested in relationships at all, and who can blame her? That asshole Pearce fucked her over good, and if I’d known it all when the shit turned up in Berkeley I would have ripped his goddamn head off.” Braden takes a deep breath. “Abbi swore she’d never tell anyone what she’d been through; she was certain the only people that would ever know would be Maddie, Dr. Hausen, and me. She trusts me because Maddie does. But now you know, and
she
told you.

“I tell you what, dude. She’s told you, and that means she trusts you more than just the normal way. She’s trusting you with you with her heart and giving you the power to destroy it. After the way Pearce destroyed her, I can hardly fucking believe it, yet at the same time, it’s totally believable.”

“That last statement makes no sense at all.”

“I can’t believe it ‘cause of how certain she was before, but I can believe it ‘cause the whole time we’ve talked, you ain’t taken your eyes off her.”

With that sentence, I know he gets it. He gets it better than anyone could.

“Would you take your eyes off if you had a girl like her?”

“You’ve seen my girl, right?” Braden laughs. “I’ve had my ass kicked in English more times than I fuckin’ remember because she’s distracted me. Ever since we met, it was always her. I’d put a bet on it was the same for you.”

“Pretty much.”

The girls stand, moving to cross the garden to us as Abbi’s dad comes out of the house, fireworks in his arms. Maddie’s dad follows him out, having showed up an hour or so earlier, carrying just a lighter and whistling. Abbi’s mum rolls her eyes at them.

“I wonder when you two will grow up,” she muses.

“Never,” Maddie’s dad declares. “Growing up is far too boring.”

“And if we grew up, we wouldn’t have an excuse for the antics we get up to on our fishing weekends!” Abbi’s dad puts in.

“I don’t want to know,” her mum mutters to herself.

“By the way, mate.” I nudge Braden as Maddie and Abbi approach us. “You owe Maddie nine dollars.”

“Fuck.” He pauses. “Make that ten.”

“Hey.” I glance at him. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

He turns his face toward me, a smug smile gracing his lips. “Know what, man? I think I like you.”

Maddie stops in front of us and combs her eyes over me before looking at Braden. “You didn’t get your club out, then?”

“For the love of God, Maddie.”

She grins, perching on his knee and pinching his cheek. “You’re so easy to wind up.”

“She’s right,” Abbi agrees. “So, how much do you owe her?”

“Nothing,” he lies.

“Really?” Maddie and Abbi say in unison, looking at me with raised eyebrows.

“Bloody hell, that was creepy,” I mutter. “Really. He didn’t swear once.”

Braden grins, wrapping his arms around Maddie’s waist and kissing her cheek. “Looks like we’re stuck with McDonald’s, Mads.”

A loud bang interrupts whatever she was about to reply with, making us all jump. Abbi trips over her feet, falling onto my lap, and I laugh. Both at her and the look on her dad’s face.

“S’alright,” he calls, turning around and waving us all off. “Lit the damn thing by accident.”

Maddie’s dad grins, flicking the lighter in his hand.

“Dad!” Maddie yells. “Stop being a child!”

“Again with the growing up.” Abbi’s mum sighs, looking at me. “You’ll get used to these two, Blake.”

“No he won’t,” Abbi argues. “I’m still not used to it and I’ve lived with it for my whole life.”

“Watch it, Princess,” her dad calls. “I still buy your birthday presents!”

“I get to dance on my birthday this year,” she shouts back. “That’s the best present.”

Birthday?

“Wait, when’s your birthday?” I curl my arm around her waist and poke her side.

“Um, Sunday.”

“Performance day?”

“Um, yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because Abbi hates birthdays,” Maddie replies for her. “For someone who dreams of being in the spotlight, she sure hates the limelight.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve said that before,” I think out loud.

“Damn, you really didn’t know?” Braden asks in awe.

“No idea, mate.”

He shakes his head. “Shoulda told him, Abbi. You know guys need six months’ notice to get birthdays and shi-
eeeeeeet
right.” He glances at Maddie who narrows her eyes. “I said sheet, I said sheet!”

“Mmm.”

Abbi smiles. “I hate birthdays. I don’t like the fuss.”

“How am I supposed to find you something for your birthday in a day?”

“Fireworks!” Both Abbi and Maddie’s dad’s yell excitedly.

“That’s where they get it,” Braden mutters.

“I don’t need anything for my birthday,” Abbi protests, tucking her fingers around mine. “I get to dance on my birthday. There’s nothing that can top that.”

“Oh damn,” Braden says in the same mutter. “Now she’s done it.”

“Done what?” Abbi looks around.

“You’ve said nothing can beat dancing on your birthday. That shit is a challenge.” He digs into his pocket and hands Maddie a dollar before she’s even opened her mouth. “Now he’s gonna have to find something to top it.”

“No he doesn’t!”

“I do,” I say. “In one bloody day.”

Maddie smiles slyly. “It’s a good job I’m here. Blake, what are you doing tomorrow?”

“Apparently, shopping for a present for Abbi.”

“No shopping needed. I know exactly what you can get her.”