The Fine Line (20 page)

But I was scared. 

As I took another step back, his expression turned angry.  “What do you want, Liv?  You want to lay in bed with me all night like it doesn’t mean anything?”

My eyes stung as tears crept into them.  I just wanted him.  Forever.  The problem was, I couldn’t figure out how to make it happen.

“I want to be friends,” I breathed, my mind racing.

My words caused his anger to intensify.  “Bullshit.”  He moved toward me and grabbed me at the waist, pressing his body on mine.  “Friends don’t do what we do.  Friends don’t feel the way we feel.  You can’t hide it from me, Liv!  I know you too damn well.  Stop lying to me.  Stop lying to
yourself
!”

His face was an inch from mine.  My breath became quicker, heavier, as my heart pounded in my ears and my body started to weaken.  I wanted his lips.  I wanted
him
.  He took me behind the neck.  “The way you look at me when I touch you…”  He tightened his grip on me, his chest heaving up and down with each heavy breath.  His voice became deep, raspy.  Sexy. “…like how you’re looking at me right now...I’m not imagining it.  I
know
you want me.  I can see it in your eyes.  You want me just as much as I want you.”

I tried to shove him off me, but he was too strong.  His grip was too tight, and he wasn’t letting go.  I squirmed and struggled trying to escape his grasp.  “Let go of me!” 

In an instant, he let go and took a step back, looking at me, confused.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.  God, I just want this fucking game to STOP!”  He grasped his hair and paced away from me, to the other side of the room.  He placed his hands on his hips and looked down, shaking his head.

Then, he came back and looked me directly in the eye.  “Do you understand how devastating it is for me every time you do this shit?  What the fuck am I supposed to think when you tell me you want me to keep you
warm
?  Then when I get too close, you push me away?  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  You’re NOT my friend.  Because a
friend
wouldn’t do that.  It’s like a knife being constantly twisted into my gut.  And I can’t fucking handle it anymore!  All I want is…”

The pain in his voice destroyed me.  He had no idea how much he meant to me.  And who could blame him?  Before he could say another word, I placed my fingers over his mouth.  “Shh.  Please stop.” 

He froze. 

My hand cupped his jaw while my thumb moved slowly across the stubble on his face.  As he looked into my eyes with apprehension, my hand slid behind his head and I pulled him to me, pressing my lips gently on his.  As our mouths parted open, and my tongue met his, all my fears and anxiety were forgotten.  The only thing that mattered, the only thing that existed, was us, right now, in this moment.

The wall around me, which had taken eighteen years to build, crumbled in a matter of seconds.  I finally allowed myself to feel the intensity of the electricity between us.  And it felt better than I could have ever imagined.

“I’m sorry,” I rasped between kisses.  “Please don’t be mad at me.  I don’t want to hurt you.  You mean so much to me.”

He exhaled heavily as if those words had completely unraveled him.  Grabbing me fiercely, he removed my coat.  His soft lips on my neck sent a surge through me.  My hands slid under his shirt and slowly lifted it up and over his head, revealing his perfect abdomen, which was exquisitely shadowed in the blue flickering light.  His eyes darkened as he gazed into mine, but the way he looked at me was more than just lust.  He needed me.  He needed every part of me.  Mind, body, and soul.  I knew because not only was it an expression that could not be fabricated, it was a look that matched my deepest inner emotions.  We needed each other.

“Tell me,” he husked as his wet lips trailed down my neck.  “I need to know this is real. Tell me what you want, Liv.” 

“You.”  I breathed without hesitation.  His warm breath grazed my earlobe as he exhaled.  “You, Logan.”  He gazed at me with a mixture of shock, disbelief, and hope.  “I can’t get you out of my mind.  All I think about is when I’ll see you next.  I dream about you.”  My filter was gone.  Any sort of rational thought process became non-existent the moment my lips touched his and my wall came crashing to the ground.  Come to think of it, I’ve never been rational when it came to Logan Tanner.  “And yes…I want your touch.  More than anything.  I want
you
.”  

His hands cupped my cheeks and as his warm, wet lips consumed every part of my mouth, a whimper escaped my throat.  Then, he pulled back and looked into my eyes.  “Do you have any idea how long I’ve waited to hear that?” 

I shook my head slightly, causing a slight grin to form on his face.  It quickly faded and as the intensity in his expression grew, he studied every part of my face and hair.  Savoring me.  Appreciating me.  Loving me.

He slipped his hands under my shirt and slowly brought it up, as his hands brushed over the bare skin underneath it.  I lifted my hands in the air, allowing him to remove it and drop it to the floor.  Goosebumps prickled my body from the cool air on my skin.  His hands moved down my back and in one smooth motion, he lifted me up as if I weighed no more than an ounce.  My legs crossed around his waist and my arms around his neck. 

He walked to the bed and slowly, effortlessly, laid me down onto it. He began to kiss my neck and chest, then smoothly unbuttoned my pants and removed them as if he had done it a thousand times before.  As I fumbled with his belt, I began to worry about how much more experience he had than I did.  I pushed his jeans down as far as I could, then we removed them the rest of the way with our feet. 

His warm hand on my stomach slowly moved down under the hem of my underwear, and in an instant, I was no longer cold.  My skin was on fire.  My heart was coming out of my chest.  I needed him, but there was something he needed to know first.

My hand grabbed his wrist.  “I’ve never done this before,” I blurted out. 

“Never done what?” he absently responded as he continued to kiss me.  A second later, he stopped as the realization of the meaning behind my words swept through his expression.  He looked at me, confused beyond belief.  “Are you serious?  But I thought…Really?”

I nodded.  “Is that a problem?”

He examined me as if he were seeing me for the first time.  His gaze moved from my hair, to my eyes, to my lips, then wandered around the room.  “Yeah, it is.  We can’t.  We have to stop.” 

He began to move off me, but I held him tight.  “Why?”

“Look at this place.  Your first time can’t be in some sleazy motel, Liv.  You deserve so much better than that.” 

“Where it happens doesn’t matter to me, Logan.”  I brought my lips to his ear and lightly kissed his earlobe.  “Who it’s with matters,” I whispered as I trailed a path of kisses down his neck.  “And I want you, Logan.  I want it to be with you.  Right now.  Don’t stop.” 

He strongly exhaled, losing all control.  “Ahh, fuck.” 

His impatient lips pressed against my neck as he unclasped and removed my bra, then flung it somewhere. I tugged his boxer briefs down, and he removed them the rest of the way.  Then he pressed against me through the thin fabric of my underwear.  I panted heavily, waiting for him to remove them, but to my dismay, he stopped.

“Stay here,” he commanded.

Where exactly did he think I would go?  I watched as he left the bed and walked over to his coat.  He removed a small, square packet from the inside pocket just before I heard it rip open.  Had he been planning this?  When he finished, he came back to me, and swiftly removed my panties. 

I readily waited as he brought his body above mine.  I should’ve been more nervous, more afraid, but with him it was as though all the stars had aligned in the sky, waiting for this moment to happen.  All I felt was anticipation.  The mixture of love and desire in his piercing eyes, as his face hovered above me, mixed with the feel of his warm body between my thighs made my stomach quiver. 

“Are you sure?” he whispered.

I nodded.  “Yes.”  I never wanted anything more. 

He studied my eyes, my hair, my lips, savoring every part of this moment.  His gaze stayed focused on mine when he gently, cautiously entered me. I took a deep breath in and squeezed my nails into his back from the pain.  His eyes flooded with warmth as he leaned down and began kissing my neck. 

“Are you okay?” he breathed in a low, husky voice.

“M-hmm,” I whispered.  “Please don’t stop.”

As he slowly continued, the pain started to decrease.   Then, after a few more moments, it was joined by intense, erogenous pleasure.  The mixture of pleasure and pain felt incredible.

A faint moan freed itself from my throat as I began to let go.  The more we moved, the heavier my breaths became.  Finally relaxed to a point where I no longer felt restrained, I let go of my tight grasp and moved my hands to his hips, instinctively helping to guide the rhythm of our collective motion

“Oh...God…Liv,” Logan husked as his thrusts quickened.  Sensing my lack of restraint, he pushed himself into me harder, and faster, as his own self-control dissipated.  The pain was still there slightly, but I didn’t care.  The feeling of him finally being this close, outweighed it a million times over.

“I need to see you,” he urged.  “Open your eyes.”

I looked into his exquisite eyes and when I saw their intensity, I could no longer contain myself.  “Oh Logan,” I breathed as the build-up inside of me finally erupted. 

In one last motion, he glided into me and stayed there for a moment, his arms trembling as he let out one last moan.  Every muscle in my body relaxed as our movement slowed.  Finally, he collapsed on top of me and rested his hot, damp head on my chest.  We both breathed quickly and heavily, waiting for our hearts to go back to a normal pace.  I wanted him to stay this close forever.

“Holy fuck,” he declared.  He pulled away and moved himself beside me, looking up at the ceiling.  “Holy fuck,” he said again, causing me to smile.

“Yeah,” I sighed.  After several minutes, I continued. “You say fuck a lot.” 

He smiled contently at me as he took my hand and brought it to his lips and gently kissed my fingers.  “Yeah, well, I’ve never felt anything like that before.” 

Knowing all about his past exploits, I gave him a curious expression.  “Huh?”

“Nothing like
that
,” he repeated.  “I’m serious.” 

After several silent moments, he moved to his side, placing his arm under the pillow that his head was resting on, and he looked at me with serious eyes.  “Liv, I’ve never felt this way before.  I’ve never wanted another human being as much as I want you.  And I don’t just mean like this.  I want to make you happy.”

He lifted himself up so that he was resting on his elbow.  With his other hand, he traced his fingers down my jawline to my chin, holding my gaze on his.  “I don’t know what it is, but being with you just feels good.  It feels right.  It’s better than any-fucking-thing I’ve ever known.”

My body turned to the side to face him.  “Why are you so nice to me?  I’ve been so mean.”

He hesitated.  “Because I love you.  And you’re not mean—don’t ever say that.  You’re fucking amazing.”

It was the third time he said those three words.  Our eyes locked, and he brought his face to mine, gently grazing my lips with his.  I smiled as he rested his head on my pillow and kissed my shoulder. 

“Thank you for the birthday present,” I said.

“Is that what you call it?”

I laughed.  “Presents!  I mean all of them.  At school.  It meant a lot to me.”

He smiled.  “Can I ask you something?” 

“You just did.”

He chuckled.  “Smart ass.  Why did you think I was going to leave you back there at the gas station?  You have to know I wouldn’t do that.”

My smile faded as I shifted onto my back and stared blankly at the ceiling.  “I don’t know.  It was just a feeling, I guess.”  I wanted to tell him that everyone leaves eventually; it was just a matter of time.  I wanted to say that there’s no getting around that inevitable fact, no matter how hard we would try to fight it, but I knew he’d brush it off or deny it for my sake.  “I just got the feeling your time with me was done.” 

For some reason, my stomach turned when I said it.  I peeked at him before turning back to face him.  He glared at me, perplexed.  “My time with you will never be done.  No matter what happens.  I’ll never be done with you, Liv,” he sighed.  “You don’t look happy.”

“Being with you makes me happy, Logan.”  I moved so that my head rested on his chest and my arm hugged his middle.  “I am happy with you.”  It was only a half-lie.  In truth, being with him made me happier than anything.  But it was a bittersweet happiness because from this moment on, it would be overshadowed by the wait and wonder of when and how our relationship would dissolve.

Chapter Twenty-One

The room vibrated.  Rattling from the pictures on the walls grabbed me, pulling me out of my dream state.  The train felt as though it was directly behind the motel.  I didn’t remember seeing any train tracks last night, but then again, it was dark and my mind was on other things.  As I laid still with my eyes closed, the rumble and roar dissipated until it was gone completely. 

Slowly, as I evolved into a state of consciousness, I became aware of the heat radiating from Logan’s abdomen onto my back, the arm blanketing my shoulder, and the legs tangled up in mine.  His bare skin on mine immersed me in serenity.  I breathed in the scent of aftershave, sweat, and Logan as I stretched, and when I exhaled, a small hum came out of my throat.  I could get used to this. 

I weaved his limp fingers in mine and brought them to my lips.  From the dim blue light that came through the cracks on the edges of the closed window drapes, it appeared to be just after dawn.

“Mmm.” he moaned as I gently kissed each fingertip. 

“Good morning,” I whispered.

“Mornin’,” he mumbled just before he placed a gentle kiss between my shoulder blades.  He kissed my shoulder then rested his head back on his pillow.