The Drought (The hilarious laugh-out loud comedy about dating disasters!) (35 page)

“
I’m sure you
guys will work it out,” I said as we sat in the café across the
road from our office. Outside, the city was alive with the usual
buzz of Monday morning rush hour.

“
No, we
won’t,” Kelly said sipping on her coffee. She had managed to
compose herself, but her eyes were still red and puffy. “This has
been coming for a long time. The way he behaved on Saturday night
was the final straw.”

“
I’m really
sorry if it had anything to do with me...”

“
It is not
your fault,” Kelly said. “He has always been insanely jealous. We
had a blazing row on Saturday night. When we met up on Sunday to
sort things out, I realised I didn’t want to do this
anymore.”

I knew what Kelly meant; I had
gone through the same thing before breaking up with Stacey. When
you spend more time being unhappy in a relationship than happy, you
know it is time to call it a day. I just hoped that Kelly’s
break-up had gone smoother than mine. She hadn’t mentioned any
baseball bat-wielding best friends yet so the signs were good.

“
How did he
take it?” I asked.

“
Not well,”
Kelly said. “He accused me of cheating. Cheating with you, and just
about every other guy I have come into contact with over the last
three months.”

“
And there was
me thinking I was special,” I said, trying to lighten the
mood.

Kelly smiled, but I could tell
her mind was elsewhere. She stared out of the window, gazing at
nothing in particular. I hated seeing her like this. She was always
so bubbly, but now she just looked lost.

“
What am I
going to do, Dan?” she looked back at me as tears started to well
up in her eyes. I moved around the table and put my arm around
her.

“
Things will
be okay,” I told her. “I know it doesn’t seem like it now, but
everything happens for a reason.” She buried her head into my chest
and sobbed.

“
Hey,” I said.
“Why don’t we go out for drinks tonight to take your mind off
things? You could probably do with a good night out.”

“
That would be
nice.”

*

I spent the rest of the day
trying to keep Kelly’s spirits up. She had been sitting quietly at
her computer for the most part. I had tried everything to take her
mind off Paul. We only had a couple of hours left and I decided a
break was in order.

“
Cuppa?” I
asked.

“
You read my
mind,” Kelly said.

I stood at the kitchen area at
the end of the office waiting for the kettle to boil. I glanced
back towards Kelly who was staring blankly at her computer
screen.

“
Excuse me,
Don,” I heard Shaila say. I turned to see her standing next to me.
She looked amazing.

“
Oh, hi
Shaila,” I said nervously. I had tried avoiding all contact with
the ice queen ever since I had been threatened with sexual
harassment.

“
I just wanted
to say...” she started. Here we go I thought to myself. What was
she going to accuse me of now? I hadn’t emailed, joked, or poked
her in ages. I promise!

“
...sorry.”

“
What?” I was
so shocked I even burnt myself as I poured boiling water into my
mug.

“
I know I
haven’t been the easiest person to work with these last few months.
I’ve had some personal problems to deal with and brought those
problems to work with me. It wasn’t fair of me to take that out on
you and for that I apologise.”

Even though she still remained
very business-like, she managed a smile. The ice queen had finally
cracked! She had a terrific smile and looked even more gorgeous. I
didn’t know whether to joke or poke.

“
That’s okay,”
I said. “Don’t worry about it.”

“
So I was
thinking, perhaps I could take you out for a drink this evening
after work to make up for it?” Shaila said with the cutest of
grins. I couldn’t believe my luck. This was fantastic. The woman of
my dreams was asking me – Don Hilles – out on a date.

I looked around the office. I
wanted someone, anyone, to witness this moment, to make it even
more real than it already was. I spotted Pete Crowford suspiciously
looking in my direction. I saw Dick poking his head out of his
office, trying to pretend that he wasn’t watching.

And then I saw Kelly.

“
I’m really
sorry,” I said turning back to Shaila. “But I can’t make
tonight.”

“
Are you
sure,” she seductively leaned in towards me.

“
Yeah, I’ve
already made plans but how about...”

“
Fine, suit
yourself,” Shaila snapped, flicking her hair and storming back to
her desk.

*

Murphy’s Bar was busier than
usual. The new Monday night karaoke theme had brought in a few more
punters who wanted to try their hand at being Michael Jackson or
Robbie Williams for the night.

“
Do you think
I’m doing the right thing?” Kelly said nursing her pink and orange
coloured cocktail.

“
Well
personally I would have gone for a drink in blue.”

“
You know what
I mean,” Kelly said smiling. It was good to see her smiling again.
She had spent most of the day making impromptu trips to the ladies
after getting text messages from Paul. Her phone beeped again. She
picked it up and her expression immediately told me who it was
from.

“
Why is he
doing this?” she said sounding stressed.

“
What is he
saying now?”

“
He asked me
earlier if we could meet up to talk. I told him I didn’t think it
would be a good idea and that we should give each other some space.
This is what he texted back.”

Fine. I hope you have a nice
life.

“
Why is he
being such a dick?” Kelly said. My sentiments exactly, but I kept
my mouth shut.

The evening
turned into night and we knocked back cocktail after cocktail. We
laughed at the poor deluded souls who got up on stage thinking they
could sing, and we sung at the top of our lungs when someone got up
to sing
Livin’ on a Prayer.
By 10pm we were well and truly pissed.

“
And do you
know what else he always used to do?” Kelly slurred. “He would
stick his finger up my bum during sex. I bloody hated it when he
did that.”

“
Yeah, I hate
that too,” I joked.

“
He had this
obsession with my bum. He was forever asking me for anal sex and
hovering his penis around my bum, like that was some sort of mating
call I would be unable to resist. What is it with you guys and anal
sex?” Kelly laughed out loud.

“
I think it is
the primate instinct in us. We are like hunters, or explorers. We
see a hole and, well...” I chugged back my cocktail. “We want to
explore inside.”

“
That is
disgusting!” Kelly said giggling. “I told him once that we could
have anal sex on one condition,” Kelly paused. “That I got to do
him first with a strap on. You should have seen his
face.”

We both started to laugh
uncontrollably. Her phone beeped again and she picked it up off the
table. In the background the DJ was asking for Sam Jones to come up
to the stage.

“
Why does he
keep doing this?” Kelly said as her laughter turned to anger. “He
is now saying he wants me to pick my stuff up from his place
tomorrow or he is going to throw it all out.”

“
Don’t let him
get to you,” I said. But it was clear her emotions, mixed with four
hours’ worth of drinking, were going to get the better of her
again.

This is the second call for Sam
Jones to come to the stage, Sam Jones to the stage please.

A tear trickled down her face,
followed by a second, and she held her hand up to her face and
carefully wiped her eyes in that way that girls do to try and
prevent their make-up smudging. I handed her a tissue and offered
some words of comfort, but it didn’t help.

Do we have a Sam Jones in here?
Sam Jones to the stage please.

I had never been the best at
dealing with other people’s emotions, and sitting here three sheets
to the wind did not enhance my social skills to adequately deal
with this situation. Her sobs were on the verge of turning into
wails. I felt completely helpless.

This is the final call for Sam
Jones.

That was it. “I’m Sam Jones!” I
shouted, jumping to my feet with my hand raised in the air. Kelly
looked up, bewilderment across her face, but at least she had
temporarily stopped crying.

“
Up you come
then,” the DJ said inviting me on to the stage. I got up and saw
Kelly give me a look as to ask what in
God’s name was I doing? The truth was I really didn’t have a
plan. All I wanted to do was to cheer Kelly up.

“
Are you sure
you’re Sam Jones?” the DJ asked, holding his hand over the mic. My
disguise had been rumbled, but I remained calm. Whatever happened I
was going to sing. I
would
cheer Kelly up.

“
Yes,” I
answered confidently taking the microphone in one hand.

“
You’re
Samantha
Jones?”

Gulp. I turned
to the screen and saw the title of the song flash up on the screen.
I was filled with apprehension. Sam Jones was a
girl.
No self-respecting male would
ever choose this song, but there was no going back now. I was going
to sing. I stared at TV and followed the words on the
screen.

A hushed silence fell across
the crowd. Not because I was singing the song well – I couldn’t
hold a tune if my life depended on it. It was more in amazement
that a bloke was singing such a female anthem.

I Will Survive.

It felt like I had a thousand
pair of eyes on me, but only one pair of eyes mattered. I started
to sing and just like the words to the song, at first I was afraid
– I was petrified. Kelly looked shocked, but as I stumbled my way
through Gloria Gaynor’s words I saw a smile start to break on her
face.

I was half expecting to be
booed off the stage, but instead something amazing happened. Kelly
raised her hands over her mouth, and tears started to flow again.
But this time they were tears of joy. The sight urged me to put
everything I had into the song. My effort didn’t go amiss and
before you knew it every single person was singing along as only a
room full of drunks could.

I grew in confidence, belting
out lyrics just like every wronged woman had done at some point in
her life. I started to strut a strut that Mick Jagger would have
been proud of. I held the mic out to the crowd and touched hands
with my new adoring fans. Kelly clapped and laughed, and I could
see that twinkle back in her eyes. I waved her towards me and she
raced to the stage to join me in a duet. We sang it loud. We sang
it proud. We sang it with passion. We sang it completely tone
deaf.

But it didn’t matter. It was
the perfect end to the evening. At the end of the song we embraced
and the cheer inside Murphy’s Bar that night was deafening. Even
Gloria Gaynor would have given us a standing ovation.

*

“
That was
amazing,” Kelly said, linking arms with me as I walked her back to
her flat. “I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun. Thank
you, Dan.”

“
Don’t mention
it,” I said. We arrived outside her front door. “Are you going to
be okay?”

“
You know
what,” Kelly pursed her lips. “I think I am. Thank you again for
such a great evening.”

She put her arms around me and
kissed me on the cheek. At that moment I felt a surge of adrenalin
run through me. Kelly was the one girl I never got tongue-tied
around. The one girl I always felt comfortable with. She slowly
pulled her face away from me and we met each other’s gaze. She
smiled, and I knew what I had to do. All the nervousness I had felt
with other girls had completely evaporated. I leaned forward and
kissed her. And for a split second she kissed me back.

“
Dan,” she
said startled, pushing me back. “What are you doing?”

“
But I
thought...”

“
You thought
what? Here is Kelly on the rebound so why don’t I take advantage?”
She was mad.

“
No, that’s
not what I...”

“
What, you
thought you hadn’t been able to get anyone into bed for the last
seven months so you thought you would try your luck with
me?”

“
I promise you
I...”

“
I thought you
were better than that,” Kelly said pulling away from me, and
stomping up the steps to her flat. “But you are just like all of
the rest.”

“
Kelly,
wait...” The door slammed.

*

The next couple of days were a
bit of a blur. I just wanted to see Kelly and tell her how sorry I
was. But she called in sick on Tuesday morning, and again on
Wednesday. I had tried calling and texting her but got no
reply.

I kept playing the moments of
that night over and over in my head. Why had I jeopardised such an
important friendship? I realised how lucky I was to have a friend
like Kelly, and how she had deserved better.

Kelly finally returned to work
on the Thursday morning, but Dick had called her in to his office
before I’d even had the chance to speak to her. I was so nervous
about seeing her that even my palms were sweaty. I had a horrible
feeling in the pit of my stomach that I might have inflicted some
sort of lasting damage on our friendship. After what seemed like an
eternity, Kelly came and sat down at her desk.