The Death of Perry Many Paws (15 page)

“I heard the most interesting thing on the news today,” Thelma announced as we seated ourselves around the table. “On a farm someplace chickens were dying and they couldn’t figure out why. Eventually they discovered that the chickens were being scared to death …”

“How could someone scare chickens to death, mom?”

“That’s the second most interesting part. They were being scared to death by low-flying air balloons that launched out of the fields by the farm …”

“And the first
most
interesting part?” I had to ask.

“When the chickens were scared they would run around uncontrollably and eventually run smack into some solid surface. The unhatched eggs inside them would explode and they would die of periodontal disease!”

“Mom, periodontal disease has to do with gums and we all know chickens don’t have gums.”

“Oh, it’s something like that … ah, I remember, peritonitis. That’s what it was. Peritonitis.”

“Where did you hear such a thing?” Diane asked.

“Paul Harvey Jr. news on the radio this morning.”

Ted nodded, forking a mound of mac and cheese into his mouth. “We listen to Paul Harvey Jr. every day. He has all the interesting news, doesn’t he, honey?”

“You betcha, honeybunch!”

Diane then proceeded to give a quick rundown on what each of her five children were up to. In addition to the twins in college and Kara and Kristen, she had a son Kaleb, who was a junior in high school. I was just musing on whether Kaleb might know Grace’s stepson Ryan when Thelma grabbed my wrist just as I was about to take a drink of water. The water splashed into my mac and cheese. She didn’t seem to notice.

“Tamsen. I can’t believe we’re going on and on like this about family without first offering our condolences on the loss of your uncle. I’m so sorry.”

I patted her hand. “That’s OK, Thelma. I was in a daze at the funeral but I did see you and Ted there and I appreciate that you came …”

“Oh, but we had to. For you, of course, because we’ve all been friends since you and Diane were young mothers, but we also had to come for Claudia.”

“I didn’t realize you and Claudia were friends.”

“Oh, not what you would call friends exactly. We didn’t really hang out with her, did we, Ted?”

Ted shook his head and started sneaking mac and cheese off Thelma’s plate. She unclenched my wrist to slap his. “You’ve had enough. Don’t be a pig! Now what was I saying. Oh, Ted and I grew up with Claudia and her brothers but we didn’t run in the same social circles. But Franklin always seemed like a nice boy, didn’t he, Ted?”

“Yup. He wasn’t a jerk like some of his rich friends. He was always nice to everyone whether they were in his set or not. Good guy. Don’t know what happened to him, though …”

“Shush, Ted. We don’t need to talk about that.”

“No, wait. I’d like to hear about Franklin and how he changed,” I insisted. “Claudia is always so vague about it. Do you know anything about what happened to him?”

“No, we don’t really know for a fact, now do we, Ted?”

Ted shook his head and eyed Diane’s plate. She pushed it over to him and he dug in. The man was insatiable when it came to gourmet mac and cheese.

“Do you have any idea at all about what happened to him?” It had never occurred to me that Thelma and Ted might know something about Uncle Franklin. They were about the same age as Claudia, and they did all grow up in Birdsey Falls, but I had never pictured them as acquaintances.

“I remember he liked to make maps and organize treasure hunts. He was really good at it. He would let everyone play and divide us into groups. Remember, Ted? You used to play, too.”

Ted nodded. “Yup, it was a good time. He was a real smart fella. Good organizer, too. Would have been good in the military or someplace that needed organizers. I liked him. He was always decent to me.”

“He was real artistic, too. Remember, Ted? Those maps he drew were real fancy …”

“Yeah, real fancy maps. They looked like something from a book. Nice guy. Real nice guy.”

Nice guy. Good artist. Excellent organizer. Well-liked. These did not seem to be the ingredients for a breakdown. Diane’s phone rang and she excused herself and stepped outside the dining room. Ted quickly pushed her plate back to her place when Thelma wasn’t
looking. He smiled and winked at me and began to look around to see what the waitress was bringing for dessert. He caught her eye and she came by with a tray of tapioca pudding and Rice Krispie treats and handed one out for each of us. I passed mine over to Ted and he smiled and gave me another wink.

“Do you remember when Franklin changed, Thelma?” I asked.

“Well, I know he never went to college like the rest of his friends. Ted and I didn’t go to college either but we weren’t expected to. Ted’s family had the grocery store so he naturally went to work there after high school and no one in my family ever went to college so I never even thought about going. Of course, we wanted Diane to go and I always wished that maybe I had gone, too, when I was her age. But after high school I was anxious to get a job so Ted and I could work a year or so and get married. Which is what we did …”

“Never regretted a minute of it, either.”

Thelma started eating her Rice Krispie treat and looking around the dining room to see who was there. “Look Ted, there’s Muriel Wilson. I haven’t seen her for a while. I heard she got stuck in her bathtub and they had to call the EMTs to get her out. I wonder if she was hurt.”

“Maybe just embarrassed,” Ted suggested. “A woman her size should have a walk-in shower, not a tub. Can’t imagine what the water displacement must be when Muriel hoists herself into the tub.” I could tell Bugg Hill was a hotbed of gossip and getting stuck in your tub and having EMTs get you out had to be a story that lived on for a long time.

“You know, her uncle Ernie was real famous for finding a dead body once. Just stumbled across it in the woods while he was out walking his dog. Imagine that,” Thelma said.

“Most bodies are discovered by either early morning dog walkers or joggers. If you avoid either activity you should be safe from running across something awful like that. Whose body was it?” Ted asked.

“No idea. That’s as far into the story as she’s ever gotten. Just announces her uncle Ernie found a body and then someone goes on to something else. Sometimes it’s hard to finish a thought here because …”

“What’s that Gladys woman done to her hair?” Ted interrupted, speaking quite loudly and actually pointing at her. Luckily Diane was just re-entering the dining room so it looked like her father was pointing at her. Thelma reached up and yanked his arm down.

“Don’t point! I think they put too much conditioner or something in her hair because it’s lying all flat on her head.”

“But what about that weird color? Conditioner causes that? Don’t we have conditioner in our shower? I’m not using that. Don’t you use it, either. I don’t want you to look like that!” Ted’s arm started to come back up and Thelma slapped it back down.

“Thelma, you were saying something about Franklin and not going to college like his friends,” I said, attempting to get her back on track. Although I was kind of curious as to what caused Gladys’ hair to be that strange greenish color.

“Oh, yes. Franklin …”

“Nice guy. Real nice guy …”

“He was sick or something. Remember, Ted? He wasn’t at school for the longest time.”

“I think he had that kissing disease. What’s it called?” Ted asked Diane.

“Mono, Dad. Kevin had it, remember?”

“Yup. I told Kevin it was the kissing disease. He liked that! Maybe that’s what Franklin had. He was out of school for several months as I recall. But that isn’t why he didn’t go to college. It was a couple years before graduation that he was sick.”

“Weren’t you and Franklin on the basketball team together?”

“Yup. Now I remember. He must have had that mono our freshman year cause I remember he was out most of the spring and then
couldn’t play in the fall because he wasn’t cleared by the doctor and was way behind in school. We needed him, too. Big loss to the team. As a matter of fact, he never played on the team again after that. I guess maybe he was always sickly.”

“Were there any more treasure hunts or things like that?” I asked. Maybe I could start to narrow in on when Franklin started having emotional issues and then delve deeper. Claudia didn’t seem to remember much other than what she personally had been doing and Sybil wasn’t much better.

“We sort of outgrew the treasure hunt thing. But come to think of it, it might have been around that time. Without Franklin to organize them and make the maps and stuff we sort of drifted away from treasure hunting and on to other things. I don’t remember doing any more treasure hunts after he came back to school. It was a long time ago.”

“I know. And I appreciate anything you can tell me. I’ve always been curious about Franklin and now that he’s dead …”

“Murdered!” Thelma whispered loudly enough for everyone in the dining room to hear her and turn to look at us.

“Shush, mom!”

“I wasn’t loud.”

“Yes you were. People are staring,” Diane scolded.

“Tamsen, do you think his murder had to do with the mono?” Ted questioned. “I’ve never heard of mono leading to murder.”

Thelma got into the swing of things. “You know, if mono is a kissing disease then that means he had to be kissing someone and maybe they got sick, too, and wanted revenge.”

“It may have taken all this time for them to track him down.”

“That makes no sense, Ted. He’s always lived in Birdsey Falls. You can track anyone down here in about ten minutes.”

“True.” That seemed to slow the conversation down.

Diane was beginning to look at me with the we-need-to-get-out-of-here look. “It’s getting time for your naps.”

Ted snapped his fingers. “I got it. Maybe the girl he gave mono to eventually married someone and they found out that Franklin had given her mono so the husband came to Birdsey Falls and killed Franklin for revenge.”

“Wait! Maybe the husband found out and got jealous and deserted his wife so she got mad and killed Franklin for revenge for ruining her marriage, her only chance at happiness.”

“Mom! The ‘girl’ would have to be in her eighties now. I don’t picture an eighty year old woman stabbing Franklin because he gave her mono in high school.”

“But her husband might,” Ted offered.

I sincerely wished I had never brought it up. The next thing you knew they would be claiming Gladys of the green hair was the spurned wife and her hair was flat due to being a murderess. I stood up.

“Thelma, Ted, thank you so much for lunch. It’s really been fun but I have to get going.”

Diane grabbed her jacket. There were hugs and kisses all around and promises to get together again soon. When we left Ted was trying to attract the waitress’s eye for another round of Rice Krispie treats and Thelma was sitting with her head in her hands staring at Gladys’ green hair.

On the way home, I had planned to discuss Diane’s relationship with Donny the cop and tell her about the excitement at our house last night. I wondered if word of the alleged break-in had gotten to Diane via Donny and what was being said. The drive from Bugg Hill to my house is not a long one so I would have to talk like a radio car ad disclaimer to fit this all in. In the end I opted for what was foremost on my mind.

“Sorry about that crazy lunch,” Diane said as we climbed into her car. “Sometimes my folks get a little carried away.”

I waved her apology away and fastened my seat belt. “Are you kidding? I love your folks. They’re a lot of fun and so unpretentious. I’d rather have them for in-laws than Claudia any day.”

“They are kind of cute, aren’t they?” Diane laughed.

“Have you ever missed your period, Diane?”

“Of course, five times!”

“No, no. I mean since you’ve been in your forties. Sort of preparing for menopause or something. Do you know anything about that?”

“Sure. My ob-gyn told me I was in the midst of perimenopause when I had my last physical. He said it was the natural part of aging that signaled the end of my reproductive years. Frankly I was amazed that my reproductive years were finally going to end. Missed periods are a part of that. I’ve missed a few off and on the last two years. I can’t wait until they stop altogether.”

“I missed my period and that’s never happened to me before. I’m not sure if its peri-menopause or if I’m pregnant.”

“You could call your doctor but the first time that happened to me, and I told the receptionist my age, she suggested I take a home pregnancy test rather than come into the office because I probably wasn’t pregnant. And I wasn’t, thank God. It’s happened a couple times since then and I’ve never been pregnant. I don’t think I’ll even bother taking the test the next time. We’re getting old, Tamsen.”

“At the risk of sounding like I’m in high school, I don’t even dare go buy a home pregnancy test kit. I mean, most of the cashiers in the grocery store and the drug store are either people we grew up with or friends of Abbey’s. I’d be so embarrassed.”

Diane nodded her head vigorously. “I know. I know. The first time I went into the drug store to get the kit I got in line and noticed the cashier was a classmate of Kevin’s and Keith’s. I moved to
another line and saw that the cashier was a woman I’d been on the PTA with, a horrible gossip. I ended up just leaving the kit there and walking out.”

“So how did you finally get one?”

“Scott happened to be in Boston on business for a couple days. I asked him to buy me one there, where no one knew who we were.”

“He didn’t mind?”

“He wasn’t too thrilled but after we found out I wasn’t pregnant he was so relieved that he forgave me for the embarrassment of purchasing the kit. When it happened again, about six months later, the doctor told me this could go on for several years. Remember this summer when Scott and I went to New York for the weekend to see ‘Spamalot’?”

“Yes.”

“I bought six kits while we were there. That way we wouldn’t have to agonize about buying them anymore.”

“Do you have any left?”