The Charlotte Chronicles (14 page)

“Eh, why not? Being an asshole to you takes effort. You’re too nice. It’s like kicking a kitten.”

“There was a compliment in there somewhere.”

Colin rises and stretches and then ambles over to give me a kiss on the top of my forehead. “It is. Wish I had a girl like you, Miss C. I’ll see you tomorrow. Let me know how it goes.”

I ring Nathan almost before Colin has left. He doesn’t answer.

I hang up and dial again. It would be early evening there. It rings several times.

I get on the computer, but he’s not available on Skype.

I text him.

Nothing back.

I text Nick next.

He
responds immediately. 

There’s a long pause.

I decide to confess. 

Colin was right. 

I don’t mention that I needed help.

And with that, a little of my hollow parts are filled out.

“
A
re you sure
?”

I nod, refusing to look up. Dad exhales heavily. He’s frustrated with me and casts a beseeching expression of help toward my mother. He wants me to say it out loud, but my mouth is sealed shut. I’m afraid of what will come out if I open it. But she’s not going to convince me to change my mind. The sadness and fucking pity on her face are the exact reasons I’m sure of my decision.

“You’re going to miss Switzerland.” He makes a last ditch effort to change my mind. What he doesn’t get is that he’s barking up the wrong tree, chasing the wrong ball—whatever wrong metaphor there is, he’s doing it.

“You mean Charlotte.”

There. I’ve said her name. Acknowledged her existence. The piercing agony that slices through me as the vowels and consonants reverberate through my head is less this time than the last. I’ll keep saying it until I can’t feel anything any longer. Not pain, humiliation, shame, or even . . . love. I just want to stop feeling.

Because if I went to Switzerland and the first thing I saw on Charlotte’s face was the expression my mom is currently wearing I’d . . . well, it wouldn’t be good.

We sit there in silence, waiting. I’m waiting to be dismissed. Dad’s waiting me to say something, anything. I’m hollow inside. I retched out every ounce of liquid in me earlier today when I woke up nearly bare-assed in my bed with only vague memories of what happened the night before.

I dry heaved for half an hour after Nick anxiously recited how he found me in a room on the third floor of Juliette’s house starring in my very own personal porno.

After I kicked Nick out, I sat in shock and horror watching the video while texts from Charlotte came in, first cheerful and then worried. After my continued silence came the calls and the unplayed voicemails.

The sounds echoed in the bathroom, and I turned the volume off to shut out the barf-inducing fake porno sighs from the two girls in the video. One of the girls I hadn’t ever seen before. She’s kissing me, or at least her face is on top of mine. I look dead. My mouth was slack, and my eyes were closed. Greta was grinding on top of me. It looked like they were fucking a corpse. Nick swears we weren’t fucking. That it was all for show.  I don’t even care at this point. What I know is that someone took something precious from me: Charlotte’s trust.

What could I say to her? No matter how many times everyone says it wasn’t my fault, I know that isn’t true. I could have made different choices. Like staying home and not going to Juliette’s. Or walking away when the fuckhead challenged me. Or paying more attention to Nick’s warnings about Greta.

“You’re not at fault,” Dad says gently, as if he can read my mind. Maybe he can. And if that’s true, it’s just another reason to get away. I don’t want to be where everyone knows me and can tell every little thing I’m thinking. Where everyone looks at me with pity. “You’re the victim.”

I fucking hate that word. I’m over six feet tall. Over two hundred pounds. “I’m no victim,” I bite out.

Mom sucks back a sob, which tears at me. I should have protected all of us. That’s my job. But I let everyone down, and now I’m weak and used up. Worse, the guys at school are acting as if I’m some kind of fucking hero. The texts they’d sent? All congratulatory with a whiff of jealousy. No, no one would believe that I’d been done wrong, no matter that I was drugged. No matter that I didn’t want it.

Charlotte would have made me text back “It’s
you’re,
you dumbass.” I didn’t respond to any of them.

No one is going to believe that I was forced to do something against my will. No one would believe I was . . . I can’t even say the word in my own head.

Dad sighs again. “Okay, hoss. You’re going to have to come to your own conclusions. But let me repeat my words. You didn’t do anything wrong. Not by going to the party. Not by fighting some asshole. Not by drinking. No one deserves what happened to you. Not a female and not a male. With time, you’ll come to that realization too. I called Gray. He’s expecting you at the beach house, where you’ll spend time with Sam and him and the kids.”

I open my mouth to protest, but Dad gives me the
I’m talking
look. “Only for a week. No arguments or you don’t get to enlist early and you’ll have to cool your heels here until your eighteen.”

It’s a compromise I can live with. “We done?”

At his nod, I rise and walk toward the door. As I’m leaving, he says, “I’m proud of you. Proud that you’re my eldest. You’re a good boy, Nathan, and you’ll be a good man. Don’t listen to the rest of the shit that’s swirling around your head. We love you.”

He draws my stiff body into a hug, and I’m tempted to lean into him like I’m a child again, but right now, I don’t deserve it. Mom is next. 

“You think you see pity in my eyes, but it’s not. It’s anger. You can be angry too. You have the right to be angry about what happened but don’t hold that inside you. Let it out. We love you so much, honey.” She clutches me tight.

I squeeze her back because, shit, I can’t help it. She’s my mom. But the hug is all I can give.

Nick comes in while I’m packing. “Charlotte texted me. Said she was having problems connecting.”

Unspoken is the question of when I’m going to call her. “Yeah, I just . . .” I run a hand through my hair. “You gotta take care of her now, Nick.”

His return gaze is somber, and he allows me to leave without another word.

Dear Nate
,

I’m sorry you weren’t here for the birthday party. We had ice cream cake, and the restaurant served limoncello which Dad encouraged me to drink. It was so awful! I hated it, and everyone at the table laughed including our waiter who brought it. Dad says that all liquor is that awful and I should stay away. It’s like he thinks I’ve never snuck sips of his brandy with you. ;)

Your mom gave me a writing set, which is why you are getting this handwritten letter. It’s beautiful paper, isn’t it? I already ruined about ten pages trying to write in a straight line. How do people write without lines? This time I’m using a ruler, and it’s working out better.

Anyway, she said that your dad and her used to write letters when he was in the Marines. Isn’t that cool? I can’t see your dad writing love letters. He gave me a weird look the other day, asking if he had some leftover dinner on his nose, which he didn’t. But I couldn’t stop staring at him because you know he seems so imposing and, well, not a little uptight at times. Don’t get me wrong. I totally adore Uncle Noah, but Daddy is so much more easy-going, and I could totally see him writing my mom corny love letters. When I asked Daddy if he wrote to Mom, he said no. That he couldn’t bear to be away from her long enough to write a letter. That and he didn’t know Mom while he was in the military.

Your dad told me that you are joining up, though, because you want to be a Navy SEAL, which seems both awesome and dangerous at the same time. I wish you would have told me, but I guess I understand why you didn’t. I probably would have begged you not to go and because I was sick or whatever, you might have changed your plans. I didn’t realize what a selfish girl I’ve been! It’s so easy to get caught up in my own problems like the stupid things about losing your hair or your eyebrows! Who needs eyebrows???!! No one, right? They are like . . . the appendix. Unnecessary things. My new resolution in life is to stop worrying about stupid things. I’m going to save my energy and worry about big things like . . . when am I going to see you again? I miss you so much.

Is it selfish of me to say that? I hope not. Because I tried not to say it, but it spilled out here at the end, and now that I’m almost done, I don’t have the will to try to write another version tonight. I know that I’ll just end up saying the same thing. I can’t keep it inside. 

I love you and miss you, but I’m trying to understand that our lives are both changing and that you just need a little space. I get that. Okay, I don’t really get that, but I’m trying to. I’m including a picture that Colin took of the family. I should be going home in three months. 

I hope you’ll be home then. Your dad wasn’t sure of your schedule. Let me know, though, so I can keep sending you these letters. Wow, this pen is really awesome. Your mom picks out great stuff.  

Love and miss you a thousand times,

Charlotte

D
ear Nate
,

It’s been weird being back at North Prep. I feel like I don’t even know anyone here anymore—that I’m disconnected with it all. If it weren’t for Nick, I think I would ask my parents if I could go somewhere else. You may have heard that Greta transferred before the fall semester started. She originally enrolled at St. James Academy, but I guess word had gotten out about what happened with you and she had to drop out.  The last I knew she was going to public school. No one here talks about it anymore. There’s new scandals, like the substitute chemistry teacher who got caught having sex with Alison Morrisey. Do you remember her? Really quiet girl? Long, curly auburn hair? Her hair was gorgeous, and apparently the chem teacher couldn’t keep his hands off her.

He’s getting prosecuted. Poor Alison claims she loves him. It’s a pretty big mess. Speaking of messes, everyone is upset with Nick and me because we ruined prom. Some girl—I don’t know who as she hasn’t fessed up to it—nominated Nick for prom king. He threatened to quit the team if anyone voted for him. There were several write-ins, but his threat was effective enough to see that he came in a distant third. He wanted me to go with him, but I didn’t feel up to it, so he decided to stay home. Word got around that he wasn’t going and half the team ended up at your place, which made all the folks at the dance furious.

Somehow this is my fault, of course, rather than Nick’s. He tries to solve this problem by glaring at everyone, which only makes matters worse. I seriously cannot wait for school to be done. This probably sounds stupid and dumb to you as you’re traipsing across the jungle or wherever you are currently, but that’s the boring stuff that’s going on at home.

Love and miss you,

Charlotte

Dear Nate,

Is paper in such scarce supply that you had to rip off the bottom of my letter to write your little message? I don’t even know if it counts as a letter. “Fuck em, keep writing” barely exceeds the length of your greeting. I think in the days of the telegraph, people exchanged longer dispatches. I’m sending you this book of letters between John Quincy Adams and his wife Abigail so that you have a better idea of what a real letter looks like. You could send me a message over the web, you know. Even a picture. We could Skype even. I know. I know. That’s an irrational suggestion because in this day and age of technology, where there’s virtual reality eyewear on every street corner, why would we ever try something like that out.

Your mom told me that when she and your dad wrote to each other they pledged only to write letters rather than send electronic messages. At the last Sunday dinner, I asked her what they wrote about, and she said the weather and that your dad complained about how hot it was. Your dad smirked and said that it was always very hot around your mom. Nick gagged, and your dad playfully cuffed him. It’s adorable that your parents are still so in love with each other. I want that, though. I want what your parents have and what my parents have, don’t you?

Nick and I got in a huge fight the other day. He got a full ride scholarship to Notre Dame for football, which I’m sure you already know. When I told him I hadn’t even applied and I’m not going to, he totally lost it. He’d said that I ruined it. It being all of his plans. I’ve decided not to go to college. It’s just not for me. I’m barely eking by right now, and it’s taking everything I’ve got. I don’t even want to think about how horrible college would be when I’d have to read a thousand pages a night and then be able to spit it out the next day in some coherent fashion. And then there’d be the students who read Tolstoy and Dostoevsky for fun! I had to look up how to spell those names, by the way.

I’m going to stick close to home. I tried to explain to Nick that even if I had applied, I wouldn’t have gotten in. And did he think we would just room together? He’d have to live with the football players, and I’d live in my tiny apartment surrounded by people smarter than me. I’m tired of being around people who are all smarter than me.

He came around. Did he tell you we’ve been playing video games together? It’s good therapy for my hand/eye coordination, according to the docs. One of these days I’m going to beat his ass. If you were here, you would be impressed. I miss you. I wish you were here. Write me longer letters next time.

Love you,

Charlotte

Dear Nate,

I’m sorry I asked for longer letters. I didn’t realize it was going to make you stop writing at all. I’ve enclosed a full sheet of paper for you in case you don’t have any of your own. Now that Nick is gone, it’s so quiet around here. Your mom and dad drive over for every home game. I’ve taken to going with them because it’s like a tomb at home. I think we should get a dog or something.

I got a job. Dad said that I could work for him, so I started as an assistant to his assistant. He’s really disorganized. Mom says that my scatterbrained behavior comes less from the radiation and mostly from genetics. My day consists of getting up, going to his office trailer, and filing. I had no idea there was so much paperwork when it came to building things. I can safely say that I’ll be looking for another job soon. I’ve never been so bored. Ever.

Nick is loving college, but we are both worried about you. He said he hasn’t heard from you in months. And while that is disturbing, it also made me feel good because at least I know that you weren’t just ignoring me. I’m still waiting for you, just like I promised.

Miss you a thousand times more than the last letter,

Charlotte

Dear Nate,

I’ve come to the conclusion that letter writing is cathartic. It’s the only rational reason I keep writing despite the fact that you never respond. Did the paper I sent you get destroyed? You’d better not be writing anyone else on my paper. Ha ha ha! Just kidding. Actually I’m not kidding. What are you doing with my paper? You certainly aren’t sending it to me.

I don’t mean to be nagging or negative, but what is going on? I feel like I’m writing into the void.

Speaking of void, I’ve been filling my time with community college. Mom said if I was bored doing filing that I should learn a trade. I’m enrolled in City College downtown, and I confess that I kind of love it. I’m not sure what I want to do, so I’m taking a bunch of weird courses, trying a little of everything. I took a welding course which was pretty neat. This one guy, Paul, is like an artist. His welds are so perfect and hardly need any grinding, which is like sanding with the metal disc. He helped me with my own poor technique.

We got to go to a job site and Paul stuck with me the entire time, making sure no one tried anything funny and helping me perfect my welds. I told him that I wasn’t interested in welding as a career, but it fit him perfectly. I introduced him to Dad to see if there were any jobs for Paul after he was done with his apprenticeship and classes.

I think you’d like Paul. He’s a straight-up, no bullshit kind of guy. I asked him what it meant when a guy told you he loved you, promised to love you forever, and then took off without ever saying goodbye. Paul said that the guy wasn’t interested any longer and didn’t know how to tell me. Or was a coward. But I know you aren’t a coward. You’re fearless. He doesn’t know you like I do.

More likely you are busy, doing something dangerous, and you just can’t write back. Right? I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss you.

Write back. Please.

Love your loneliest girl,

Charlotte

Dear Nate,

OMG really? You can’t write me one letter in return, but you sic poor Nick on me? He came driving down from Notre Dame in one day because he had to check out some asshole named Paul. I cannot believe you. Seriously. Paul is married with two kids and a gorgeous wife. He’s also like ten years older than me.

I’m not even in welding anymore. I told you that I was trying out a bunch of different classes. Just FYI, I’m taking floral design and my instructor Neil is fucking amazing.

Love,

Charlotte

PS: Don’t you dare send Nick again. He’s not your errand boy.

Dear Nate,

That’s all you’re going to write? I don’t even know what you are “sorry” about. Sorry that you don’t write to me? Sorry that you can’t bring yourself to break it off? Sorry that I’m too dumb and too stubborn to give up on us?

I was out with my co-workers from the vet clinic and my supervisor, Emma, kept asking me why I never dated anyone. I guess I had too many beers because I spilled the whole story about us. About how we grew up together and that after I was diagnosed with the tumor, you told me that you loved me. You made me promise that it would always be “only you.”

Emma said that I was a fool and I was wasting the best years of my life. You will be happy to know the other girls at the table said if a Navy SEAL really could hold his breath for like ten minutes straight, I should at least give you one chance to make me see heaven before I got rid of you for good. There are so many people that keep telling me that I’m too dumb for words to be spending my evenings writing letters to you when I get nothing in return.

I’d like to say that they don’t know you like I know you, but honestly? I don’t know if I do know you anymore. It’s been years, Nate, and in all that time, I’ve only received a handful of responses from you. I still love you, but I need you. I need you to tell me you love me too.

Love,

Charlotte

Dear Nate,

I’m sorry I was so pissy in my last few letters. I don’t know what came over me. Please forgive me. I just miss you so so much.

Love you,

Charlotte

Dear Nate,

I think this is going to be my last letter to you. I can’t take it anymore. The years of your absence are literally killing my heart. I feel myself being diminished every day. I kept hoping, thinking that if I just gave you time, you’d come back to me like you promised. “It will always be Nathan and Charlotte,” you told me once. I held on to that for years now, but as each week, month, year has passed, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m the only one who still believes in that concept anymore.

These things on my letter aren’t tears. They are splotches made by this soda can — oh, what the hell. Of course they are my tears. I’ve shed what seems like a million of them. Seeing you at the rare holiday and never being able to touch you. Hardly ever getting a response from you, despite the fact that I’ve written my damn hand off. All of those things eat away at me as if tiny insects are nibbling at my skin, sucking my blood until one day I will wake up a hollow shell.

And I don’t get it. I see the longing in your eyes. I know that look because I see it every day in my mirror, but you keep rejecting me, pushing me away. I can’t take it any longer. When I had to have my shunt replaced, I know that was you in the room. I felt you. You were gone when I woke up, but I didn’t need to ask my parents or yours who sat with me through the night. I SMELLED YOU even in my sleep. Yet you left. Why did you never even speak to me once? Why haven’t I felt the touch of your hand or the press of your lips against me? I don’t have the answers to these questions, and they haunt me. You, our love, our past is haunting me.

My friends say that it’s completely unhealthy for me to be hung up on you. I think even Nick has given up hope that you’ll ever come around. He’s not even apologizing or explaining things away anymore. Like “Nate’s on a mission” or “He talks about you all the time” or “Just give him space.”

I’ve waited so long for you. And for what? To be given what reward? To turn twenty-two and not have you around? It’s been six years! Six. I’m so dried up, I don’t even remember what it feels like to interact with other guys. I’ve turned away men in the prime of my dating life because I believed in the words “It will always be Nathan and Charlotte.”

I’m just done, Nate. Done.

I love you. I will always love you, but for my sake and probably for yours too, I have got to move on.

Yours,

Charlotte