The Broken Destiny (36 page)

I felt enraged and mortified. Self-hatred consumed every inch of me. I thought of nothing else but getting away from it. Rage boiled within until there was an explosion that shattered the wall from one dimension to the next. My senses came to. I sat up fiercely and shook the cold hard ground from my body. I stood, I rose and I came back from the dead! I looked into my shallow grave. A black fire burned all around me. Looking up, I glared at the witchdoctor who was glaring back at me, his sister, Nomsa, stood at his side. Water poured over me, sizzling as it touched my skin. I heard Maya call out my name. Kronan was holding her back and I was glad he did. I was about to do extremely violent things.

I screamed, my own voice frightening me. What have they done? I didn’t want to be what I had become. I didn’t want to owe death to my soul. I was more a ‘thing’ than I had ever been. The ancestors’ spirit was still inside me. I held out my hand toward the witchdoctor, squeezing down onto his lifeline, which became visible as my soul slowly came back to me. And, while my soul poured back into my old body, I saw things that no human could ever see. I could see souls. I could see lifelines encircling these souls. They reached up into the sky and beyond. Colors vibrated from everything – the trees, the grass and even the rain. The witchdoctor started to gasp for air. I could feel that I was squeezing the life out of him. I turned to Nomsa without letting go of her brother’s lifeline and lifted her off the ground with my other hand, without actually touching her. It was not my power, but the ‘thing’ I had become. Then I came back to the fore.

“What have you done?!” I screeched at them.

Taking severe umbrage, I had a fierce hunger to get away. Nomsa squirmed under my iron grip. Maya screamed for me to let go. I dropped them both and yelled out again. The urge to smash something or someone into tiny little pieces was physically powerful. The witchdoctor lay on the ground still gasping for air. I reached for him and threw all the rage and disgust within me that did not belong to me, at him. A loud bang resonated through the air, transferring Shaka’s spirit into his body.

“No!” Nomsa managed to shout before she broke into a coughing fit. I had squeezed her throat so hard that I had almost broken it. “It will… kill… him,” she was eventually able to spit out.

I looked at Maya’s terrified face.
This is all wrong. It has all gone totally wrong.
I looked up to the sky as acid tears welled up inside me.
Save me from myself
, I pleaded. I felt myself break. The next thing I knew, all the vibrations had seized and I was in a forest clearing. A lush, green jungle surrounded me. Moss covered almost every rock and every single piece of ground in all directions. I had never been there before and I had no idea where I was and how to get out of there. I fiercely searched the faces of the crowd of people that surrounded me for the resurrection ceremony. Nearly everyone I knew was there. Tatos was there, tall and strong, his bow and arrows strapped across his back, as was Willard, who was ready to strike with a sword should I try to kill him. Kronan stood motionless, his fingers nervously fumbling at the beads strung across his chest. Enoch was missing, of course, because I had killed him. I still didn’t regret it as much as I should have, and I wasn’t ashamed of it either. Anaya stood quietly, long hair sheeted to her head by the rain. Maya stood next to Arriana, who looked weaker than ever. Maya wanted to say something. I could see it in her navy eyes and I could tell by the way she scanned my face. I glowered at David and his gang, who just stood there looking like a single unit. Their black hoodies pulled over their heads, arms crossed over their chests. I looked back at Maya. Her face looked strained and tired. Everyone kept their eyes on me – judging me. I was fine with it because I was judging myself, and I knew my own judgment would exceed theirs. Never in a million years could I fix what I had done and the absence of Troy only confirmed it. I felt a supernova explode inside me. It sent a wave of rippling rage through the air, striking everything and everyone in its path. I became the darkness once more. I tore my wet clothes from my body like I was shedding my very skin. I took off, past the bodies sprawled across the wet grass. My feet sank into the wet ground as I pushed down harder onto the soft mud to obtain more grip, thereby increasing my speed. I had flattened everything around me. I ran past flattened trees, rage and hate heavy upon me. Colors of the forest blurred into one single gray-green mess. I needed to get away from it all. I needed to get far away from myself. From the uprising that was happening within me.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Evolve

To find yourself, just look inside the remnants of your past.

T
he forest blurred past me as I kept running. I felt myself evolving with every angry breath I took and I could sense that it was killing me. There was a tight pull in my calf muscles as the soft, saturated forest floor gave way to a rise at the base of the mountain. The distant strikes of lightning and crashing thunder summoned me and the rain kept coming. It was harder and colder than before as the icy drops stung my naked body. I wanted the rain to shower down on me as hard and as cold as it could until it cut away all the wrong I had done. There was something there inside me that should never exist; I could feel its rottenness threatening to evolve me into a monster. I kept running until my throat was on fire, but the rage didn’t subside. It only got worse. I screamed as my feet dragged through frozen mud, lacerating my skin, suddenly halting where the land fell away. I had come to a sudden stop near a cliff that overlooked a strong river cutting through the mountains like glass separating truth from fiction. I wanted to go so far away that it would seem like I had never existed. I believed that every decision I had ever made would melt away the farther away I got.
I can never go back. How would I explain to Maya what I had done? How could I be with Troy?
He had seen a part of me no one should ever have seen. He saw what I was – a murderer – a monster. I thought I had been doing the right thing, but it had felt wrong from the very first dark breath I took. And just like I fell for Enoch, I dived into the wrong, like it was the only choice I had.
How could I have been so wrong? How could I have destroyed and disfigured myself like that?
In that precise moment, I hated being me more than I ever had before. I walked closer to the edge of the cliff. My feet tender, the skin shredded from clawing up the jagged stone walls of the mountain. I slipped as my feet rested upon smooth moss. I stared into the storm.
How did I get like this?
I had to find the truth and I knew it was out there somewhere. I just had to get away. I had to separate myself from the
thing
inside me. I needed to be alone, somewhere where nothing could be tarnished by me in the process of self-discovery. Because I was about to rip everything inside me to shreds, I wanted to kill once more. I had to go somewhere where I could fathom what I had become. I was rotting from self-pity and self-loathing. I sucked in what should have been fear, but was in fact rage and plunged down the rock face. The wall of the cliff passed quickly as I fell. I twisted and turned, somersaulted and flew through the air. I lost my breath as an icy wind flew past me, my speed accelerating. I straightened out, staring at the wall of water coming directly for me and for a second I felt free, but then my body shook as I smashed down hard onto the cold, stiff surface of the water and broke through into the silent world below. My body submerged in icy, silver water. As I sank deeper the water washed over me, soothing my skin and clearing my mind just long enough for me to feel my heart.
Broken
. I knew running away was taking the easy way out, and I admit that running away was easier than having to control the extreme anger and hatred I felt, but couldn’t understand why. I could never be
this
in front of those I cared for. Troy could never see me that way. They would leave me if they knew what existed within me. The Council would kill me. I would never be able to get rid of those feelings and to properly understand them if they were there, watching me, judging me. Never would they see the wounds of a monster, they would only see the monster. I thought that maybe if I just stayed away for a while, I could get a grip on myself and get it all out of my system and then maybe I could go back and face them all, even Troy.
Would he want to be with something like me?
I wondered. I couldn’t imagine how he would. I felt better for a moment, but then the vile thoughts came back. Thoughts such as I had killed, I had been possessed, I had possessed another and I had given my body to a man I hated just to get back at him, but worse than this, I had given a sacred part of me away just to gain power! Ultimately, the truth was that I didn’t get back at him at all.
I
was the fool, once again. He’d won. Once again, I had changed myself and become someone I was not, for what? Power and revenge? I will never forgive myself for that – never, ever
.
I didn’t belong in their world anymore. I hated them for bringing me back. I hated that they believed in the prophecy. I didn’t think I deserved to move past all that had happened, so I swam with the current and came up for air at least twice before I realized I didn’t have to. I dove back down, swimming like a fish, my legs as one. It felt easier than walking. It felt better than walking. Troy’s face suddenly flashed before my eyes. My body shook as the tears came crashing through. I wanted him there with me. I wanted him to save me. I knew he was the only one who could smooth out the wrinkles of my tainted soul.
But, why hadn’t he been there when I rose?
I pondered. Because he knew what I had become when I tried to take my own life. I had given up just like I had done so many times before. He was right. I was naïve. Dave’s words rang through my mind.
He always comes back.
I wondered what they meant.
If they were true and he could look past everything, could I let myself be with him?
The answer was no, not like this. I blocked my mind from descending to a horrid state of self-pity. I told myself I had made my choices on my own, and that I should be finding a way to break free from the chains of filth that were smothering the Ava I ought to be. I continued swimming with the current. It was dark and quiet beneath the surface of the ocean, but not as dark as it was inside me. When fish swam past me, I wanted to reach out and touch them. Even though Shaka’s spirit was no longer in me, he had left something behind. I could sense it. I noticed that my skin was glowing like red-hot coals once the fire had gone out. I hoped that the evil within me was dying out too. But, how could the evil inside me die out if I didn’t know how to release it, or let it go? On the one hand, letting go of the evil flowing in my veins meant I would have to give up my powers, which I didn’t want to lose. I would become normal and invisible again. To be normal was not an option for me. I decided I wanted it all back. I was in two minds. I was destined to not be normal, but to be at peace with myself, I had to change. I had already changed to gain power. What else was I capable of, just to feel that power again? I wanted the best of both worlds, but that wasn’t possible. It rarely was.

These were the lies that created me.

My legs pushed against the invisible wall of water behind me. I kept going deeper and deeper into the ocean. I felt at peace there. I couldn’t think anymore, because the more I thought, the more I lost myself in my thoughts. I thought myself into corners, into dead ends and back around again. I had overanalyzed everything to a point where nothing made sense to me anymore. I wanted to take back everything I had said and done. I didn’t want to take it back out of regret, but because I wanted to be with Troy. I could not be that person and be with Troy, because he deserved so much more. My rage and frustration broke through to the surface as I emerged from the ocean furious. The wind breathed cold ice onto my ears and bit at my face with razor sharp teeth. Looking around and up to the sky, I saw that the clouds were breaking overhead and that a violet sky lurked behind the dark, stained clouds. The rain had subsided completely, making it easy for me to see the shoreline in the distance. I was exhausted – in all aspects. I let a wave carry me nearer the shore and staying in the ocean, I followed the shoreline, swimming passively and catching wave after wave. I was enjoying myself, but I knew I couldn’t stay there forever and that not working through all the bad things that had happened would only make me feel worse. I was more afraid of what I would become, rather than what I had already done. I had to resolve all my appalling feelings before I could be myself again and before I could beg Troy for his forgiveness. If I was going to be with him it had to be the real me, I just didn’t know who that was anymore.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Oh, please. I am sorry for everything I have ever done,” I said out loud.

I kept repeating those words of remorse like a mantra until I was eventually washed up onto the beach and dumped onto the sand. I regretted changing myself and using my dark side, including becoming a despicable being. I was sorry for taking the easy way out. I was sorry for being such a coward. I was consumed by so much hate, yet somehow, I had become the very thing that I had hated. Fuelled by my insecurities, I wanted to have power and look what had happened. I had ruined everything. I had ruined myself. That is not something you could offer someone you wanted to be with.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” I repeated persistently, but the tears never came. I didn’t feel myself break with forgiveness. I only felt more rage.

I walked up the embankment. Naked, cold and shivering, I collapsed on the sand. I thought of the rage and hatred I had felt earlier, and I went numb. I needed to break myself, this
thing
inside me, before I could forgive myself. I had to strip myself of everything I wasn’t to find myself, to be human again. I wanted to destroy every single part of this darkness and to hit hard against the dreadfulness that was me, until I had chipped away every single piece of regret. Regret was my next fall. I then wanted to stomp those pieces deep into the fires of my wounded soul. I was determined to destroy that part of myself, not to kill myself, but to destroy myself. I wanted to hurt myself so badly that I would finally
feel
something, so that I could feel guilt for killing Enoch and for using my body as a powerful tool. Trying to climb further up the embankment was like climbing up a wall of quicksand. It had rained for so long that the red sand had been washed onto the beach. As I finally reached the top of the embankment, I realized where I had taken myself. I was back where it had all began. The Zulu Kingdom lay before me, high up above the scarred land. Black ash and mud covered the land far and wide. I kept walking and walking until I encountered some guards. They scrambled to get away at the sight of me. The stench of evil and death hung in the air like hell itself. I hated the place, severely hated it, but not as much as I hated myself at that point. All I could feel was hate and intense anger. I could feel nothing else. I wanted to be moved by love. I wanted to
feel
love, something, anything, but the destruction within. As I got to the empty throne, a dreadful wrath rose up inside me like a dark flame and once more a supernova exploded within me, flattening everything in its path. The villagers screamed and crawled away from me. I climbed up onto the platform where the throne stood. My body was covered in mud. The witchdoctor’s throne became a symbol of my self-hate as it stared at me and taunted me. I held out my hand and screamed as the fury built up. Anger surged through my body and shot out through my hand, obliterating the throne. Pieces of bone, stone and leather flung through the air. Not feeling any better, I turned to the guards who stood in a half circle a short distance away from me. I could see clearly over the entire expanse of the Zulu Kingdom. The three crescent moons smiled down on me, their beams setting the night on fire. I had spent the entire day in the ocean, wasting away. Despite the fact that the moons were one-eighth of their normal size, they shone down with an iridescent glow that sprawled long shadows across the soaked ground. I realized that that was what the ancestors’ spirit had meant when he had talked about the moons smiling, and that was when the ceremony was meant to take place; why all the Zulu people had been dressed in their traditional clothing.
What do I need to do to make it all go away?
I pleaded for an answer, any answer. The number of guards surrounding me increased as I sat down on the steps of what was left of the platform. The cold stone stung my naked skin. I just sat there with my hands under my chin, blankly staring at them.

“What are you waiting for?” I asked them. “Come and get me.”

They just stood there. The villagers came closer as my anger faded to sadness, a hollow dark sadness I wanted to lose myself in. I caught a glimpse of the young queen’s face as she pushed her way through the crowd. I sighed in relief that she had not been harmed.
One less death on my conscience
, I thought. I stood up and walked a few paces into the thick of the mud. My shadow stretched tall and thin in front of me – like a snake. I didn’t flinch on realizing I was entirely unclothed. I didn’t feel naked. I felt smothered by the filth that was I. The regret clung to me like a thick coat and dragged me down to the ground. The young queen shouted out as the Zulu warriors repeatedly hit me, whipped me and kicked me. They struck me with the back of their spears. I felt my skin pop open with every blow. They didn’t care, why should I have?

“Is that all you’ve got?” I yelled as I looked up at them and wiped the blood from my face. It was the same strange red as before. I smiled.
I am still me.

I stared at them vacantly as their fists came crashing into my face. Each blow made me feel a little less. I didn’t want them to stop. I wanted them to beat the poison out of me. I wanted my loathing to bleed out of me with every blow that hit me. I felt myself slipping away. I coiled up into a small ball and hoped that I would disappear under their fists. I should never have traded my virginity for power. When Troy kissed me, it was like a promise that everything would be okay. Well, nothing was okay and it would never be okay. There is nothing I can do to make it all stop. I did what I did and there was no taking it back. I was trash..…

“Stop!” a deep voice boomed through the night air and then there was silence.