The Blue-Haired Bombshell (32 page)

Rushing at Sputnik, I drew back GUS for the finishing blow and asked, ‘‘What computer is he using?’’

‘‘Ma me, hic,’’ HARV said.

Now that was something else I wasn’t expecting. The surprise caused me to hesitate just a split nano before swinging at Sputnik. He reached up and caught GUS between his hands. Standing up, he ripped GUS from my grasp. He tossed GUS over his shoulder, smiling at me all the while.

GUS hit the floor with a clank. ‘‘I’m all right! I’m all right!’’ he shouted.

‘‘This is so not good!’’ I said.

‘‘My half, hic, guiding him is not inebriated,’’ HARV told me.

I had pretty much guessed that by now.

‘‘Inebriated,’’ HARV giggled. ‘‘Funny word.’’

Sputnik sprung up, head butting me in the midsection. It hurt, but not enough to stop me from grabbing his head between my arms then dropping down on top of him, slamming us both to floor, him face-first. That had to hurt.

I bounced back to my feet before he knew what hit him. He groaned and tried pushing himself upward, giving me the perfect target, his face. I drove my foot down toward his forehead. My foot froze in mid-kick, less than a whisker’s length from finishing him off. DOS!

I spun away from Sputnik. I didn’t want to. An unseen force was pulling me around. It was a psi. DOS! Psis are great when they are on your side but a pain in the ass when they’re against you.

Across the room I saw Carol lying at Lea’s feet. Carol and HARV had been able to take out some bots, an ape or two, and a psi, but they were far too outnumbered. Lea, Melda, and the rest of the standing psis and apes were now concentrating their attention on me. A snowball on the sun would have had a better chance.

‘‘I thought your father, husband, uncle, male role model, leader called dibs on me,’’ I shouted to them.

That was met with looks of total confusion.

‘‘Sputnik, your boss, said he wanted me all to himself,’’ I said.

Their smiles showed me that now they understood.

‘‘We don’t think he would have wanted you to win,’’
they all echoed inside my head, with a hive-mind-like sentiment.

Sputnik forced himself up off the ground.

‘‘My family is right. I would not have wanted you to win!’’

He clubbed me on the back of my head with GUS. Things started spinning around and then went black.

Chapter 32

‘‘Zaaaach, Zaach, wake up,’’
I heard HARV calling from the deep regions of my mind.

My eyes shot open. The good news was it appeared HARV was back. The bad news was I was trapped in a big tube. I was pretty certain it was the inside of a cryo-chamber. My hands and feet we were tied and I was getting colder. Yep, there are times it really hoovers to be right.

‘‘HARV, you’re back?’’ I asked.

‘‘If I wasn’t, you’d be frozen stiff by now,’’ HARV added.

‘‘A simple yes would have sufficed.’’

‘‘Yes,’’ HARV said. ‘‘I am back.’’

‘‘Can’t just say, yes, can you?’’

‘‘No,’’ HARV said. ‘‘Apparently not.’’

‘‘Are you okay now?’’ I asked.

‘‘Better than ever. Melda underestimated my will. She may be a good scientist and a powerful psi but she really knows diddly-squat about my advanced, cognitive abilities. I was able to reprogram myself so I am no longer drunk and more important, able to block their attempts to control me.’’

‘‘HARV, you just said
diddly-squat
.’’

‘‘Yes, clearly I am not totally back to normal. Still, me functioning at 80 percent is better than any other three computers in the known worlds functioning at 100 percent, or any number of humans functioning at 110 percent.’’

‘‘HARV, you just said . . .’’

‘‘I know, please don’t remind me. I am running corrective subroutines now.’’

I looked around, as much as I could move my head. I didn’t see much but I noticed Carol in the chamber next to me.

‘‘They are freezing Carol, too?’’ I asked.

‘‘Yes. Sputnik is saving her for a later day. He figures once Earth is destroyed she will cooperate with them without having to be reprogrammed.’’

‘‘How does he figure that?’’

There was a pause. ‘‘He’s an egomaniac. He believes whatever he thinks is the absolute truth. To him, his thoughts are like the Gospel and Koran but much more sacred and pure (since he didn’t write those books). That’s part of the reason he didn’t want me interfacing with his bio armor anymore. He thought I was somehow hindering him. That’s the only way he could justify you beating him.’’

‘‘Were you hindering him?’’

‘‘I wish,’’ HARV said. ‘‘All my spare routines were being used to try to break free of the psi’s control. You beat him without me helping you or hurting him. His massive ego just can’t accept that. So now I’m supposed to freeze with you while all my backups and coprocessors get destroyed on Earth.’’

I smiled. Yep, Sputnik was a politician all right. His ego jammed the door open just enough to give us a chance to escape. Now I needed to find a way to push the opening wider. I looked at Carol out of the corner of my eye.

‘‘HARV, can you contact Carol?’’

‘‘I may be able to use my wireless connection to reach her through her PIHI-Pod,’’ HARV said.

‘‘Try it,’’ I ordered.

‘‘Turn your head toward her.’’

‘‘Why?’’

‘‘Zach, I’m only functioning with the chips directly in the lens in your eye. It would help matters greatly if you did what you were told and gave me a direct line of view with Carol.’’

‘‘Yes, sir,’’ I said, turning my head.

‘‘And that snotty attitude doesn’t help!’’ HARV added.

As I understood it, normally the HARV chip I have in my eye lens is just one of many virtual processors that HARV’s personality or presence uses. Now that he was being isolated from the rest of the chips, my link with HARV was weakened. I was betting that, even in his weakened condition, he was still more than enough computer to get the job done.

I trained my vision on Carol. I saw the small PIHI-POD she was wearing as a diamond on her right ear. I concentrated on it.

‘‘Open your eyes wider!’’ HARV scolded.

‘‘It’s not easy to concentrate and hold my eyes so open.’’

‘‘Zach, don’t concentrate. Just do what I tell you.’’

I did as I was told. I forced my eyes open as wide as possible.

‘‘Hold steady,’’ HARV said.

At first I was going to complain that it wasn’t like he was performing brain surgery, but I realized that in a way he was. Carol was still lying there, eyes closed.

‘‘Nothing is happening,’’ I said.

‘‘Be patient. Halo XX wasn’t programmed in a day you know.’’

‘‘I am being patient.’’

‘‘Quiet,’’ HARV ordered.

I saw Carol’s right eye start to twitch, slowly at first, but then it built up the steam it needed. Both eyes opened wide. Her head moved from one side to another.

‘‘Did they really think this would hold me?’’ she said.

‘‘They assumed you’d sleep until you were frozen,’’ I answered.

‘‘You know what they say about assuming,’’ Carol said.

Carol squinted her eyes. The top of her chamber flew across the room. Carol moved her arm forward, snapping her restraints like they were old-fashioned peanut brittle. She looked down at her leg restraints. They surrendered to her will without much of a fight, curling up and rolling to the ground. Carol slipped out of her chamber. Her feet touched the floor. She stretched out.

‘‘Now I’m mad,’’ she said.

Carol pointed at the latches holding my chamber lid tight. The latches crinkled up then fell to the ground. With a snap of her fingers, Carol sent the chamber top flying away.

‘‘Thanks,’’ I told her. ‘‘Just be careful to only pop my restraints and not my bones,’’ I cautioned.

‘‘Don’t be a baby,’’ HARV said.

‘‘I second that,’’ Carol said.

She motioned with her right hand toward her body. My restraints flew off me. I tumbled to the ground.

‘‘You could have given me a bit more warning,’’ I said.

‘‘You’re welcome, Tió.’’

I pushed up off the ground. I saw roughly thirty heavily armed apes charging us. I pointed them out to HARV and Carol.

‘‘We got company, guys.’’

Carol started to ripple with energy. Her hair danced off her shoulders as she levitated off the ground. ‘‘These Mooners have pissed me off,’’ she said. ‘‘Time to let the genie out of the bottle!’’

The apes, seeing Carol’s little display of power, stopped in their tracks. They held their arms up over their heads waving them in the universal ‘‘slow down, don’t kill’’ sort of way.

‘‘Hey, we’re on your side!’’ one of the apes shouted.

Now
that
was a surprise.

Chapter 33

Carol, HARV, and I waited for the apes to come to us. I wasn’t sure what I found more of a shocker, that the apes could talk or that they claimed to be on our side. The apes were all wearing armor and carrying sidearms but they were approaching us in a calm, non-threatening manner. I had a good feeling about this. Not good enough for Carol or HARV to lower their guards or for me to lower my gun I keep in my ankle holster (my good old Colt .44). I was feeling secure, not stupid. My .44 was light but still packed enough for a wallop to put an ape down, as long as I hit him or her square between the eyes.

One of the apes, one with gray bordering on white fur, led the group towards us. They came within three or four meters from us before I waved my .44 at them, cueing them to stop. They did.

‘‘My name is Priscilla, Ape Commander,’’ the gray ape said in a higher pitched tone.

For the first time I noticed this gorilla’s uniform protruded in the chest protector more than the others’, plus she had longer hair.

‘‘Priscilla the gorilla,’’ I said with a slight giggle.

The big ape sighed. ‘‘Yes, my cousin Maurice was your driver when you arrived. He informed me you would get a kick out of my name.’’

‘‘Maurice is a smart man, ah, ape,’’ I said.

Priscilla arched her shoulders. ‘‘He’s a big fan of your work.’’ Priscilla pointed at my gun. ‘‘We would be grateful if you lowered your weapon,’’ she said. ‘‘We have no intention to harm you. You’re actually cute, for a human,’’ she said with a wink.

Though the wink freaked me out, she seemed sincere. I just needed a better reason to lower my gun than sincerity.

‘‘If we wanted to blow you away we could have killed you while your were unconscious or simply blown up the building,’’ the big ape said.

‘‘Yeah, well, Sputnik wants us all alive,’’ I countered.

‘‘If you haven’t figured it out yet, Sputnik’s wants are low on our priority list,’’ the ape countered.

She had me on that one. I dropped my gun to my side. I didn’t put it away, but it was no longer on a hair trigger. The apes all seemed more relaxed.

‘‘So, you guys aren’t Sputnik fans?’’ I said.

‘‘Pleeease!’’ Priscilla said, spraying her words. I guess that’s why the apes signed so much.

‘‘Why are you apes helping us?’’ HARV asked.

‘‘We all have friends and family on Earth; we don’t want them killed,’’ an ape from the back row said.

‘‘Makes sense,’’ HARV agreed.

‘‘And Sputnik is a radical nutcase squared,’’ Priscilla said. She looked at Carol and me for a reaction. We didn’t give her any so she went on. ‘‘Everybody is happy and treated fairly, my not-so-hairy ass!’’

‘‘You’ve noticed the discrepancies?’’ I said, more cynically than not.

Priscilla pointed to the top of her skull. ‘‘When you’ve been on the bottom of the totem pole as long as we’ve been, you can’t help but notice the footprints on your head.’’

‘‘Good point. Are all the apes with you and against him?’’

Priscilla shook her head no. Of course she did; it would have been too easy if she didn’t. ‘‘Sorry. We’re split pretty much fifty-fifty on this one. Lots of our comrades don’t want to change the status quo. They know Sputnik is bad. Hell, his ego is so powerful it gives off its own scent. But they are afraid the alternative could be worse. And they don’t want to mess with his psis.’’

‘‘They can be formidable,’’ Carol said, speaking from experience.

Priscilla dropped her hands to her side. ‘‘The bottom line is, cutie, some of us just aren’t that smart and some of us hate change.’’

‘‘Apes are no different than humans,’’ HARV said. ‘‘Actually, apes admit it. So they are probably smarter than humans.’’

Priscilla gave HARV a big toothy grin. The other apes behind her did too. Priscilla held out her hand to me.

‘‘Do we have an understanding, Mr. Johnson?’’

I studied her hand and arm; her rippling muscles were apparent, despite her fur. If we were going to get out of this we were going to need all the friends with muscles we could find.

I shook her hand, trying to ignore the fact that she had called me cutie.

‘‘I can never have too many friends.’’

‘‘How true,’’ HARV said. ‘‘Zach’s list of enemies is large enough to fill a small stadium. Not just the enemies, the list itself.’’

Priscilla reached behind her back, grabbing something. She brought her hand forward holding GUS. ‘‘How’s this for a peace offering?’’

I took GUS from her. GUS blinked to life.

‘‘Greetings, Zachary Nixon Johnson. Your DNA has been detected on my hilt. I will now reactivate myself on your command.’’

‘‘Go for it,’’ I said.

‘‘Is that a yes?’’ GUS asked.

‘‘Yes,’’ HARV, Carol, and I all answered.

‘‘I am now activated and ready for action!’’

I popped GUS back up my sleeve.

‘‘Speaking of action,’’ Priscilla said. ‘‘What’s your plan, honey buns?’’

HARV chuckled. ‘‘I don’t believe the word
plan
is in Zach’s dictionary.’’

I ignored HARV. ‘‘What’s the status?’’