The Blaze Ignites (20 page)

“Azrel you –”

“Can’t you understand?” I cried, stopping
myself before I could literally pull at my hair. “I have no
purpose, no use! I have nothing! She has everything she needs
except me out of her way! I can’t help Casdanarus! She
can
!”
My tone came out more pleading then I had intended. I hoped he
could understand what I was saying—understand the magnitude of what
a problem my own existence was, to understand
anything!
His
eyes were blank, though. He was only trying to think of ways to
comfort me. He wasn’t hearing my words.

I rested against the wall, raised my knees
and stared at them. In that moment, I gave up. I gave up trying to
make him understand. I gave up everything right then and there. I
had no more fight left in me. I was done. What was the use?

I numbly reached into my pocket and pulled
out the necklace chain and held it out to him. “The maps are in my
room. Have someone take you there,” I said still looking at my
knees. “You and the others find the owner. I have no purpose to be
with you any longer. If you need the White Warrior, she’ll have no
trouble visiting you in that ‘other world.’”

After a moment he spoke. “Azrel, I’m not. .
.”

“Just go!” I screamed, on the verge of
strangling him, and threw the necklace at his chest. I had to grip
my head before I gripped his throat. I hated him right now. I hated
him for not understanding, hated him for not listening to what I
was saying.

He looked at me for a moment, then finally
picked up the necklace from the floor and stood. Before I could
breathe a sigh of relief, he spoke. “Do you know what I think? I
think neither you nor the White Warrior can exist without the
other. Without a body to fight with, the White Warrior is just an
idle force of magic and has to have others do what she needs; and
without your magic,
you
can’t fully be whole.”

“If you say so,” I replied, uninterested.

“You know what else I think?”

“Pray tell.”

“I think I expected more from you, Azrel.” I
moved my eyes to him to see his brows drawn and a frown of
disappointment on his face. “I think your father expected more,
too. I never imagined, while growing up with you, that you would
let yourself become this weak, selfish, sobbing person.” I looked
at the opposite wall again. “The Azrel I grew up with loved life,
loved her hours of training and studying, and was determined to be
the best warrior she could be. The Azrel I knew loved her father
and everything that went with him, even his past.” He may as well
have twisted a knife in my stomach. “Even though she believed her
father fled a world-altering battle, she respected him. She loved
him. Your father is probably turning in his grave right now because
you’ve let yourself succumb to
this
.” He threw both his
hands in my direction, palms up, looking at me in almost disgust.
“His daughter, his warrior, his beloved who he trusted to carry on
his mission, who he trusted to bring honor to his long stained
name,” Ortheldo shook his head. “Disappointed doesn’t even scratch
the surface of how he probably feels watching you from the Sky
now.”

I didn’t even care to argue with him. I lay
myself back down on the floor. “Thank you. You can leave now.” I
heard him turn and start down the hall.

He was right. I wasn’t the same Azrel he grew
up with. The Pitt had destroyed the person I once was. The abuse,
the “jokes” they’d played, the hatred and mocking. I could have
fought them, prevented those abusive instances, but I’d been forced
to keep the secret of what I was. In doing so, I’d been forced to
endure the cruelty. Through seven years of that abuse I’d never
shed a tear because I couldn’t. Oh, but the day she went too far
and hit my brother was the last day I’d been willing to stand it.
Harm to my brother was the one thing I wouldn’t—and
couldn’t
—take, so I’d stopped it. Too bad it had taken seven
years. Those years had been enough to bury the Azrel that Ortheldo
had known.

“So why not dig her up?” another voice
said.

I looked down the hall to see Addredoc
approaching. I looked back towards the opposite wall. “Because she
was buried for so long that she suffocated to death. There’s no
point.”

I heard his footsteps close the distance
between us. “I don’t believe that.”

I rolled my eyes. “Believe or don’t believe
what you want. I really don’t care.”

“Well,” he said and sat on the floor in front
of me with his knees up, his ankles crossed, and his elbows
casually resting on them, “I just don’t believe a warrior would
have such a death.”

I glanced at him and then at the wall again.
“How did you find me?”

“Like the Deralilya, I feel your presence at
all times. It’s what comes with the territory of being in her
command.”

“Did she order you to come to me?”

“No.”

“Then you don’t need to be here.”

“I thought you might need a friend.”

“I don’t need a friend. I need to be left
alone.”

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

My teeth clenched. “You used your magic to
read my thoughts about the warrior inside me being buried, and I’m
sure you weren’t far off when Ortheldo and I were sharing words.”
He smiled. “So, since you already
know
what’s wrong, can you
leave me alone now or can’t you read my mind anymore?”

“I’d rather talk to you.”

“Gods!” I shouted slapping my palm onto the
floor and sat up in a huff. “About
what?!
”

“About digging up the warrior you once
were.”

I rested my back and head against the wall
behind me. “She’s dead, I told you. She started dying the day she
lost her father, and then the people of The Pitt killed her
completely.”

“Why did she start dying the day she lost her
father?”

“Why do you think?” I snapped. “He was her
everything! He was her mentor, her trainer, her parent, her only
source of love and reason for living.”

“Wasn’t Ortheldo a reason for living?”

I stopped breathing for a moment.

“Wasn’t he a good friend to you? Or was he
hateful and spiteful like the rest of the world was towards your
father?”

“No, he wasn’t,” I admitted. “But our
friendship bond wasn’t as strong as the one between my father and
me.”

“What about your mother?”

“What about her? She’s dead too.”

He was quiet a moment, staring at me evenly
with brown eyes that penetrated me deeply without doing anything.
“What about Rabryn?” he asked, tilting his head to the side and
looking at me more thoughtfully.

My heart stopped and then it fluttered alive
when I thought about Rabryn and my first time ever meeting him. I
thought about how I felt when Beldorn told me I had a little
brother.

“Didn’t he love you and care about you?
Didn’t he fight at your side the entire time you were in The Pitt?
Didn’t he sacrifice much to do so?”

I swallowed hard, suddenly feeling …was it
shame? I swallowed again. “He loved me, but he couldn’t always keep
the abuse I endured at bay. In fact I urged him to stay out of it.”
I shrugged. “Granted, he rarely listened to me on the matter, but
the abuse was…” I just shook my head. He wouldn’t understand no
matter how I might put it. “It smothered her.”

“It may have smothered her, but it didn’t
kill her.”

I turned my eyes to him and held my breath,
realizing he was going somewhere with this. There was nothing more
annoying than a wise wizard with an opinion.

“I think Rabryn’s constant love for you and
his defense on your behalf breathed some life into that buried
warrior.”

“You think wrong,” I said in a shaky voice,
avoiding his eyes, trying not to buy into this.

“I also think Rabryn would be upset if he
knew that all he sacrificed for you was for nothing.”

“I don’t think so. He knows how I was
treated.”

“As do I.” I wondered what he meant for a
moment, and then I recalled Acalith saying the White Warrior had
shown her and the others my past. The thought that they knew about
my abuse made me bow my head in shame. “Which makes me wonder,” he
continued, “why didn’t you kill yourself?” I snapped my eyes up to
him. “Not that I’m implying you
should
have, but that’s a
lot of cruelty to endure.”

“Because I had a mission to carry out,” I
replied. I held my breath at my own words, realizing all at once
that
this
was where he was going.

His gentle smile confirmed it. “So why don’t
you carry out that mission?”

I let my breath out through my nose and
looked away from him. I wasn’t sure I had any fight left in me. Not
with the knowledge that I and my magic were two separate
people.

I felt his gentle fingertips on my cheek. I
couldn’t resist the soft touch as he turned my face back to him.
The look in his eyes made me forget how to breathe for a second.
His penetrating brown eyes looked at me with such…passion, and such
longing. How strange that he would look at me in such a way.

“Whether you want to admit it or not,” he
said softly, “your mission to bring honor back to your father’s
name has also breathed life into that buried warrior.” He shook his
head and smiled gently. “She’s not dead.”

I searched his eyes, as if the very hope for
me to move on was hidden somewhere in them. “Why don’t you believe
she could die from being smothered?”

“I said I doubt a
warrior
would have
such a death.”

“Why?”

“How many warriors, in your extensive history
lessons, did you read about who died by suffocation of others’
hatred?”

I remained silent and thoughtful, but bitter.
I may as well be the first.

“A warrior dies when he or she is run through
by a blade,” Addredoc continued, “or impaled by an arrow during
combat. Warriors aren’t supposed to die by any other means outside
of war. That’s why they’re called warriors.”

He glanced at my lips for a moment and then
looked deeply into my eyes again. He looked at me with such longing
that I felt drawn into him. His thumb began to softly caress my
cheek and he moved his face closer to mine. I couldn’t believe he
might kiss me.

“You’re still a warrior,” he said softly,
almost whispered. His warm breath was on my face and his brows
furrowed as he looked at me, almost begging me to believe him. “The
warrior inside of you isn’t dead. She just needs to be dug up from
the mess of your past.” He moved his face a little closer to mine,
looking unsure of the gesture. “She just needs to come above all
that. Not necessarily let it go yet, but rise above it for now.” He
swallowed. “You need to realize you
are
a warrior, a very
powerful warrior, and she will live again.”

He glanced at my lips a second time. He
wanted to kiss me, but something was stopping him. Fear of
rejection? Fear of being disrespectful? I wasn’t sure…and I really
didn’t care. I leaned forward and locked my lips with his.
Goodness, his mouth was so clean and so soft as he kissed me. I
caressed his cheeks with my knuckles, then ran my fingers up
through his soft black hair, clutching it gently at the back. I
parted his lips with my tongue to see what he tasted like and I
wasn’t disappointed.

After a long moment he slowly pulled away
from me. His breathing was a little heavier and his eyes were wide
with shock. “I…I’m sorry.” He breathed, then swallowed heavily.
“I’ve wanted to kiss you forever. But now that I have, I feel
ashamed and guilty. Have I…done something wrong?”

I shook my head. I shocked myself when I
realized I didn’t want to move away from him. I hardened myself
though, and leaned back to sit against the hall wall again. “No,
but if you feel guilty, just think of it as a gesture of
comfort.”

He gave me a brief forced smile, but it was
gone as soon as he started to stand. He looked down at me when he
was on his feet. “I’ll leave you to think about what I said, then
make your decision to stay here or not. I wouldn’t contemplate too
long, though. Rabryn and Ortheldo are already on their way to the
stables.”

I nodded, though my decision was already
made; I was staying here until I found a way to let the White
Warrior live and end my own existence. When Addredoc was out of
sight, I lay back down on my side in the hallway and thought about
how I might do that.

I must have fallen asleep again because the
next thing I knew, I felt a powerful presence all around me. It was
so strong that my eyes opened wide and my heart raced. Something or
someone was here. I slowly sat up and looked around the hall, but
no one was around.

Addredoc’s words were on my mind as I
searched the hallway with my eyes. I kept hearing them over and
over again…until I suddenly heard something else, and my heart
dropped through my feet when I realized what presence I was
sensing.

Ortheldo

“Ya!” I yelled at my horse and put her into a
full gallop. Rabryn was quickly riding beside me, but I didn’t dare
look at him for fear I might take my rage out on him.

“You’re really going to do it? You’re really
going to leave her here?”

I clenched my jaw. “You bet I am.”

All I wanted to think about was getting out
of there. I didn’t want to think about Azrel, but my mind was on
her anyway. She was dead, or at least the Azrel I’d grown up with
was. I’d lost her the day she fell into the Ambuel River. Though
I’d been in denial for the past nine years, clinging to the hope
that I would find her alive again someday, I was now
well
over it. Only the anger stage of my grief lingered. Rage pounded in
my veins so hard I actually had to flex my fingers into and out of
fists to relax the tension in them.

“I told you what she said to me, and Addredoc
told you everything else. I have no reason or desire to be near her
right now.”