Read The Alchemaster's Apprentice Online
Authors: Walter Moers
The Alchemaster's Apprentice (43 page)
‘It’s a snail. A very rare one.’
‘What about it?’
‘Ghoolion rendered one down and preserved its fat.’
‘Well?’
‘The fat of Planorbula armigera contains remnants of the slime the snail excretes and leaves behind it, and this slime has the same chemical composition as mucilago.’
The Uggly looked astonished. ‘How do you know that?’
‘It’s part of the alchemical knowledge Ghoolion has been drumming into this.’ Echo raised a forepaw and tapped his head.
‘Off you go, then!’ cried Izanuela. ‘Run back to the castle and fetch some of this snail fat. In the meantime, I’ll -’
‘No can do,’ said Echo.
‘Why not?’
‘There are several locks on the door of the cellar where the fat is stored. I can’t get them open by myself.’
Izanuela rose from her chair and drew herself up. ‘Oh, no,’ she said, folding her arms, ‘not again. Count me out.’
‘I went into the Toadwoods all by myself,’ said Echo, ‘and you didn’t warn me about the toad. You owe me one.’
‘No, I don’t!’ she said defiantly.
‘They’re pretty sophisticated locks,’ Echo said thoughtfully, ‘but we should be able to open them between the two of us.’
The Uggly had fallen silent.
‘Have you forgotten what you said just now? “This is the moment to brew the potion. Here, today, tonight! It’s now or never!”’
Izanuela groaned.
‘“Copious streams of sweat shall flow from my overheated brow …”’ Echo reprised.
‘Yes, yes,’ she groaned again, ‘“as I brew the magic broth that will help me plight my troth!”’
‘That’s the spirit,’ said Echo. ‘Do you by any chance have a flute in the house? And a picklock? We’ll be needing a candle, too.’
The Burglary
H
aving satisfied himself that the Alchemaster was busy in his laboratory, Echo hurried back to the castle entrance, where Izanuela was already waiting for him. Then they set off for the cellars.
aving satisfied himself that the Alchemaster was busy in his laboratory, Echo hurried back to the castle entrance, where Izanuela was already waiting for him. Then they set off for the cellars.
‘There’s something else I should tell you,’ Echo whispered as they were creeping down the long, dark stairs.
‘What’s that?’
‘There’s a Snow-White Widow down there.’
The Uggly stopped short. ‘He’s got a Snow-White Widow?’ she hissed. ‘In the cellars?’
‘She’s shut up in a glass cage.’
‘How do you know?’
‘I’ve seen her.’
‘That’s very reassuring. Thanks for telling me, I feel much better now.’
‘It’s all right, we won’t be going anywhere near her,’ Echo whispered. ‘She’s in a remote part of the cellars.’
Izanuela reluctantly continued to descend the stairs. ‘A Snow-White Widow on top of everything else!’ she grumbled. ‘A few days ago I was leading a peaceful Ugglian existence. A client would occasionally complain that one of my predictions hadn’t come true, but that was the worst that could happen. Now I’m breaking into Ghoolion’s castle and working on a love potion. I steal plants, I almost fall to my death, I break one regulation after another, I risk my life as well as my fortune teller’s licence. And who am I doing all this for? A stray Crat. Can you give me one good reason why I should?’
They had reached the foot of the stairs.
‘We need some light,’ said Echo.
Izanuela lit the candle she had brought with her. To Echo, the dark, vaulted ceilings looked as menacing and close to collapse as they had the first time. He had never thought he would pay another visit to this loathsome part of the castle, still less of his own volition.
They made their way in silence through the series of underground chambers, which teemed with insects that shunned the light of their candle. Echo couldn’t help recalling Ghoolion’s memorable account of the ancient building’s gruesome history, but he refrained from sharing it with the Uggly, who strangely kept a bridle on her tongue for once. Whether this was because of their oppressive surroundings or the Alchemaster’s proximity, he couldn’t tell. It was probably a mixture of both - of awe and unrequited love - that had reduced Izanuela to silence. When they came to the door of the fat store, as they eventually did, she shone the candle on its numerous padlocks.
‘The one at the top is an acoustico-elemental lock,’ Echo said in a whisper, although no one could possibly have heard him. ‘That’s probably the hardest.’
‘Oh, I know those things of old,’ Izanuela said with a grin. ‘The Grailsund University authorities used one to secure the door of the room in which they kept their coveted Ugglimical diplomas. They’re child’s play to open.’
‘Just a minute,’ said Echo. ‘Are you telling me you stole your diploma?’
Izanuela blushed furiously. ‘Whoops!’ she said. ‘It just slipped out.’
‘I won’t tell anyone,’ Echo promised, ‘but only if you get that thing open.’
‘If you recite the correct names of the elements in the correct order - and you must know them if he opened the lock in your presence - it’s quite simple.’
Echo whispered the names in her ear.
‘Bismuth, niobium, antimony!’ cried Izanuela, and the lock sprang open.
‘Hey,’ said Echo, ‘how did you do that? The words kept getting twisted up on my tongue.’
‘The trick is to use your tongue to rearrange the individual syllables,’ she said. ‘I expect you remember what a talented tongue I have, don’t you?’ She extended the long green thing in question and Echo gave a reminiscent shudder.
‘Oh dear,’ she said, rattling the next padlock, ‘this is a numerical lock. I’ve no head for figures.’
‘This one’s mine,’ said Echo. ‘I made a note of the numerals Ghoolion spoke into it. Eighteen … twelve … six hundred and sixty-six … four thousand one hundred and two … seventeen million eight hundred and eighty-eight thousand five hundred and sixty-four …’
He reeled off the long series of numerals effortlessly. The padlock sprang open just as he finished.
‘You really do have a fabulous memory,’ Izanuela said admiringly. ‘You could make money out of it. Me, I can hardly remember my own birthday.’
‘Ghoolion used an invisible key for the next lock,’ Echo recalled. ‘Where are we going to get an invisible key?’
‘No need. Pedlars sell them to gullible yokels at country fairs. They’re rubbish. The key is invisible so no one can see it only has two wards, that’s all. I’ll get it open with the picklock.’
She produced the burglar’s tool from her cloak and poked around in the padlock. It sprang open almost at once.
‘Great,’ said Echo. ‘Now we need the flute. The next one is an unmusical lock made of cacophonated steel.’
‘Child’s play,’ Izanuela said scornfully. She brought out the flute and played exactly the same discordant notes as Ghoolion. The padlock opened by itself.
‘Well, I never!’ Echo exclaimed. ‘How come you knew that frightful tune? I thought you’d have to toot away for ages.’
‘It wasn’t hard to guess,’ said Izanuela. ‘Ghoolion has given me earache more than once by playing that tune. It’s his favourite way of tormenting Ugglies.’
She applied herself to the next lock. ‘Hm,’ she muttered. ‘A Florinthian shamlock with triple tumblers. This is another kettle of fish altogether.’ Methodically, she set to work with the skeleton key and had it open within minutes.
‘Wow!’ said Echo. ‘Where did you learn to do that?’
‘Listen, my friend,’ Izanuela said sombrely, fixing him with the piercing gaze that had unnerved him once before, ‘I’m an Uggly. My sisters and I belong to a downtrodden race. People have always found fault with us. Once upon a time they used to lock us up or put us in the stocks - in fact they even burned us at the stake, although no one likes to mention that nowadays. Over the centuries, we were forced to acquire certain skills that aren’t in full conformity with the laws of Zamonia. Picking locks is the most innocuous of them. Now … Do you want me to get this door open, or would you prefer to go on asking stupid questions?’
‘All right,’ said Echo, thoroughly intimidated, ‘I’ll keep quiet.’
The Uggly gave him another piercing stare and went back to work. Sometimes she manipulated the picklock, sometimes she used a hairpin or a piece of wire conjured from the depths of her cloak. Padlock after padlock yielded to her deft touch.
‘That’s it,’ she said when the last one sprang open. ‘The way is clear.’
They entered the fat cellar. It was as dry, cool, clean and tidy as it had been the first time. The Alchemaster’s balls of fat were neatly arrayed in long rows.
‘This’, Echo said as he walked past the shelves, ‘is where Ghoolion stores the fat and the death rattles of the rare animals he tortures and renders down. How do you feel about him now you’ve seen this place?’
Izanuela sighed. ‘That’s the trouble with feelings,’ she said. ‘They’re hard to reconcile with common sense. Believe me, I’m just as horrified by Ghoolion as you are. I’d really sooner poison him than brew him a love potion, but what can I do?’ She cast her eyes up at the ceiling.
Echo read out the names on the labels: ‘Porphyrio veterum … Numida meleagris … Python molurus … Nyctibius grandis … Stenops gracilis … Moloch horridus … Testacella halotidea. Ah, here are the snails! And there it is: Planorbula armigera!’
Izanuela snatched the ball of fat and stowed it in her cloak.
‘What if he notices it’s gone?’ she asked.
‘He’s far too busy at present to count his balls of fat, and even if he did, what …’
Echo broke off. His sensitive ears had alerted him to something.
‘What is it?’ asked Izanuela.
‘Ghoolion’s coming!’ Echo could definitely hear the clatter of his iron-shod feet.
‘Then let’s get out of here, quick!’ Izanuela’s convulsive movements suggested that she was trying to run in all directions at once.
‘Too late! He’ll be here in no time.’
‘What shall we do?’ Izanuela whispered anxiously. ‘What on earth shall we do?’
‘We’ll simply have to hide.’
‘But he’ll see there’s been a break-in. The open padlocks! He’ll search the place.’
‘Leave it to me,’ Echo said. ‘I’ve had an idea. Get down behind that cupboard and keep still. And blow out that candle.’
Izanuela complied. She too could now hear Ghoolion’s footsteps. Echo groped his way to the back of the cellar and crouched down in a corner just as Ghoolion appeared in the doorway. The cellar was suddenly bathed in multicoloured light by the will-o’-the-wisp lantern in his hand.
‘Who’s there?’ he called sternly. ‘Who has been suicidal enough to break into my cellar?’
There was a moment’s absolute silence. Echo’s heart was racing. At last he plucked up all his courage.
‘It’s only little me, Master,’ he called jauntily. ‘Echo.’
He emerged into the light of Ghoolion’s lantern.
‘What are you doing down here?’ the Alchemaster demanded sharply. ‘How did you get those locks open?’
‘What,
me
open them?’ Echo sounded mystified. ‘I’m only a little Crat. The door was wide open when I got here.’
me
open them?’ Echo sounded mystified. ‘I’m only a little Crat. The door was wide open when I got here.’
‘It was open?’ said Ghoolion. He looked dumbfounded.
‘How else could I have got in? I thought
you’d
left it open for me, the way you do the door to the roof.’
you’d
left it open for me, the way you do the door to the roof.’
Ghoolion seemed to lose his balance for a moment. He lurched sideways, swinging the lantern to and fro.
‘I must have forgotten to lock up,’ he muttered. ‘I’m thoroughly overworked, I suppose.’
‘I know you are,’ said Echo. ‘I hardly ever see you these days.’
The Alchemaster gave a sudden start. His face stiffened.
‘You didn’t answer my question,’ he said sharply. ‘What are you doing down here? I thought you were afraid of these cellars.’
Echo sighed. ‘Oh, nobody with a future as limited as mine wastes time on silly phobias. An idea occurred to me recently, while I was paying my first visit to the Toadwoods. I don’t know what you propose to do with my remains once you’ve boiled off the fat, but one thing’s for sure: I don’t want to be buried there.’
Ghoolion lowered the lantern.
‘I see,’ he said. ‘In that case, where?’
‘Well, this cellar is a nice, cool, clean place. The insects and rats can’t get in, and if my fat is going to be stored here anyway, I thought …’ Echo broke off.
‘You want to be buried down here?’ asked Ghoolion.
‘Yes, in a manner of speaking. If it isn’t too much trouble, you could stuff me like those mummies of yours. Then you’d have a nice memento of me and I wouldn’t be so completely cut off from the rest of the world.’
Ghoolion grinned. ‘Oh, is that all? You’re going to make a pretty demanding corpse. Anything else?’
‘Yes, there is,’ said Echo, ‘while we’re on the subject. I’d like you to put me in a particular spot. Would you mind coming with me?’
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