The Adventures of a Love Investigator, 527 Naked Men & One Woman (3 page)

I look away as he forces another bite of sandwich, mayo oozing, and continues to tell me his tale. “This girl I had been dating for six months broke up with me and went back to her old boyfriend. As she went out the door, she asked if we could still be friends in case her relationship didn’t work. She wanted to keep me available while she ran off with someone else.”

James swallows the mouthful of turkey sub that’s been choking his words and touches a paper napkin to the blob of white that clings to his lower lip.

“She tells me, ‘I think you’re such a great guy. I want to be able to come crawling back to you in case this other thing doesn’t work out.’

“This happens to me all the time,” he grumbles. “We start going out. We become intimate. Then the woman tells me about her past boyfriends.”

He gnaws on the sandwich again. “One woman was in her early thirties. She said her ‘ex’ was an ‘older guy’ like me. I’m forty-nine. He shakes his head in disgust. “Old... And I’ve never been married. Can you believe it?”

Initially, no, but I was in the process of re-evaluating my first impressions.

He continues, “We went out for a couple of months. Things were going fine. I started talking about something we might do over the summer. We might go boating. And she just flinched. My intuition told me something clicked in her mind that she didn’t like when I mentioned that.”

He’s having trouble swallowing and pauses to wash down the sandwich with a slug of Diet Coke. “I asked her what was wrong and she said her old boyfriend called her up. He wanted to get back together and she was going to give him another try.” The words fly in a torrent. He barely stops for a breath.

I mentally rehearse the Heimlich maneuver, just in case.

“I told her to call me if things didn’t work out with him. That was the end of it. I never heard from her again.”

James looks at me for a response. I hide behind a bite of my pastrami sandwich as he races on. “And then I met another woman. I fell head-over-heels in love with this girl. She was separated from her husband and in the process of getting a divorce. I flipped out over her.”

He swigs his Coke. “To make another long story short, she went back with her ex. I’m starting to get tired of all my girlfriends going back with their old boyfriends and ex-husbands.” The rest of his words are lost in another mouthful of turkey.

His cell phone rings a jarring computerized jingle. It’s a call from his office. He dispatches it quickly and we return to his problems.

“Why haven’t you ever married?” I ask, leery of the temper I sense lurking under the surface.

“I haven’t found the right woman and that gives me huge periods of real depression and loneliness. Maybe I’m too picky. I just don’t feel like my married friends can relate to me anymore because they have families there for them. I don’t and it’s extremely difficult to be alone in a world of couples. I sometimes get furious ‘cause I feel short-changed by life.”

The thought of telling him that he needs to mellow crosses my mind. But I don’t know that for sure. I’m no expert. Just here to listen.

“When I was thirty, I was just the most immature little puppy toad you ever did see. I’m a late bloomer. I wasn’t even close to being ready for any long term serious relationship. I didn’t have my shit together. Now I’m way beyond that. I do have my career, and my life, and my shit together ... if I could only find some
willing
woman to love.”

Is love defined as someone who is willing?

I have no words of encouragement. I think of my female friends and wonder if any of them would be ...
willing
?

Mr. Real Estate Success Story gives me a hurting look. He has no idea why he’s still on the market. He’s appears uncomfortable with my clinical stare. “What?” He asks.

An idea bubble forms over my head – this dude feels safe in picking up what other men lay down. He’s never “out there” risking commitment – not when the chances are excellent that the woman he chooses will return to the other guy. He’s looking to lose from the beginning.
Wow. I’m getting good at drive-by analysis.

James excuses himself and returns with a framed photo of a smiling woman – a digitally enhanced picture of a female in full war paint – lashes and cheeks professionally made up and big hair that might snap at a touch.

“This is, or
was
Mina. She went back to her husband.” He places the picture on the coffee table, sits down, and stares at it as if willing it to life.

“Once I fall in love it’s hard for me to fall out. It’s hard for me going in and harder coming out.” He looks at the ceiling, a glint of grease perched on his chin.

Still staring upward, he speaks. “There is nothing I would like more than a monogamous relationship. I’m known in certain circles for being the biggest damn tom cat and the biggest heartbreaker playboy type, which is ridiculous.”

I silently agree.

He snaps back and makes eye contact with me. “You know, my boat’s docked at Holiday Marina on Lake Lanier.”

Oh, oh ... Where’s this going?

“Why don’t we just run up and take the boat out for the day?”

“Thanks. I have another interview this afternoon. Besides, I like to keep a professional distance.”

“Yeah, I get it.” His voice takes on a testy tone.

I glance at the front door and fire my character defining question at him, “Would you die for the woman you loved?”

“That would be kinda stupid,” he answers. Without a second thought, he eyes my pastrami. “Can I have a bite of your sandwich, since you’ve obviously stopped eating it?”

I hand over my sandwich, icked at the thought of my DNA touching his mouth.

“Well, thanks for the interview. Don’t get up, I can find my way out.” I feel the need to be on the other side of his door – now.

Mr. Lonely follows me, continuing to talk even as I back down his driveway. In my haste, I forget to take the parking brake off.
Creep.

Shaken but not stirred, I continue my investigation, sorting through the men of Atlanta. I have twenty-seven more interviews set for the city that gave us Rhett Butler and
Gone with the Wind.

“I would love to find a woman I could be weak with.”

~ Rick, 24, single

Case 119 / Rick

For two months I’ve made Atlanta my home base. I was even able to do a small real estate deal while I spent time visiting another buddy. My guy friends love to hear my tales from the male underbelly. It makes them feel superior.

I sit at a small sunlit table in a hotel restaurant on Peachtree Street. Rick, my latest interviewee, like ninety-percent of the others has been referred to me by a previous interviewee. I imagine I’m the best kept secret in guy-world.

Rick is African-American, twenty-four, with copper colored skin and deep brown eyes. We have a short time to talk before the lunch hour crunch. We’re five minutes into the interview and I learn he’s from a good home that sat on the wrong side of the tracks.

“When I came to Atlanta for my new job, I didn’t really have family or friends here. Everything I have is at home in Pittsburgh, everything I loved or that loved me. I grew up in a single parent household. I watched my mom work at least two jobs at once to support us.”

He seems to be deciding how much of his story to share. “With me being in love with Aileen and her deciding to stay with her family, it was a very sad time for me. I really had to get into myself and stay focused on my reasons for coming here.

“I was at a point where I could turn back or I could go forward. One of the reasons I went forward was Aileen’s decision not to come with me. It was clear we didn’t have a strong enough foundation. He speaks softly, hungry for intimacy of any kind. I prepare myself emotionally. These interviews have become roller coaster rides where I have no control over how long or how low they go. The lows are so low that they frequently derail me, emotionally.

The waitress brings our coffee. Rick continues, “I want to accomplish the ability to buy time. So many people don’t get a chance to do whatever they’d like to do because they don’t have the time. That would have been my gift to Aileen ... time. A person who’s successful has the ability to make money to the point where even when they’re resting, they’re earning money. And that gives you the chance to grow, the time to love.”

Does love require time – in order to survive?

He fiddles with the creamers, placing two side by side on the white cotton tablecloth. A clip of silence hangs heavy in the air. I give him the space to adjust his thoughts.

Rick speaks, “Men still don’t understand that honor is a big part of love – not just honoring the woman, but honoring yourself and your word. That’s why love doesn’t last – not like it used to.”

This I hear from a man-child young enough to be my kid. We’re close to some real answers.
Tread softly.

“My mom did the best she could to tell us about people in general and how to set the guidelines. But there are lots of details you can’t see until they happen. Men have a tendency to sweet talk to get what they want. We promise the world.”

“Tell me about guy-promises,”

His laugh is light, angry. “What’s going on in a guy’s mind when he promises whatever? Lust. A male without refinement can’t see a woman in the proper light that she deserves to be seen in and appreciate her for her qualities. It’s just another form of greed. Because he wants sex, he’ll do anything to get it.”

“How about guilt? Ever happen?”

“It depends on the man. The majority of the time no, because then you have to acknowledge what you’re really doing. There are people who on the outside appear good as gold, but inside they’re beasts. When you’re dealing with an animal, they’re operating on instinct. They see something they want and they’ll do whatever they gotta do to get it. I feel women have been put in a position where they have to react to what’s coming at them.”

I check his face, looking for the con. I can’t find it. He’s genuine.

Rick shakes his head in a weary way. “It’s definitely men that created the climate we have because a woman can’t be herself even in today’s work force. She has to appear emotionless. People don’t understand that there’s no greater or lesser when you’re dealing with a man or a woman.”

This young man has given me a lot to work with. I pick my words carefully. “You’re carrying a lot of who your mom is with you. Has she been able to prepare you for fatherhood?”

He nods. “I would have to say I was prepared by my mother seventy-percent and by the streets, thirty-percent. The streets teach you intangible things. Things you’ll never see being in the home. There are certain passages and hardships. The streets have no mercy. The streets will beat the hell out of you until you stand up and be a man or a woman.”

He goes silent. I wait until he’s ready to speak again.

“My mother would tell me how not to get into a predicament, but I’m hard-headed. Sometimes there’s no advice on how to get out of trouble. I felt like I didn’t want to go to my mother, because she told me not to do those things in the first place. There’s no one I could turn to except my peers and they’re just as ignorant as I am.”

I lean back in my chair, arms crossed, protecting myself from his words.

Rick continues, thoughtful. “The streets teach you that time is precious. You never know what’s gonna happen from one minute to the next. The streets don’t teach you how to think cause you don’t really have time to think.”

He studies my face to see if I’m following. “On the streets if a man is with a woman, they both have each other’s lives in one another’s hands. Being the way men are today, there’s certain remarks street men are gonna make towards women, that’s just the way men are. And I feel that if I’m with a woman, it’s my nature to protect her. There’s no telling how things could escalate. So I feel that when we both step outside we have to be careful how we carry ourselves. Short skirts and stuff hanging out, that doesn’t attract me, but it can attract trouble, big trouble.”

He describes a life or death situation based on what his date is wearing. I realize I’ve been holding my breath. I exhale.

Rick looks at me concerned that I’m shocked by what he’s revealed. “It’s okay. I just never thought about it that way before.” I speak matter-of-factly, but that’s not the way I feel.

“A lot of single people who have goals, their time is so used up in working that they really don’t have time to get to know a person. Sometimes you just don’t want a relationship because you know it’s gonna cause problems. So you’re alone. You meet somebody and it’s perfect because they don’t know you and you don’t know them. So for that moment, it’s good.

“If you could freeze it, you could stay in that moment forever. As that time wears on you’re gonna want to become closer to that person. You start thinking in the back of your mind, it’s not gonna last.

“You just want to draw it up to as high a level as you can draw. Sometimes the highest level is sex, that’s as close as you can get. Two people becoming one. My current girlfriend cares about me but it’s not love. She tells me she loves me, but if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anybody. It’s not that she does things that are self-destructive, it’s that she doesn’t see the beauty in herself.”

“Your thinking is so clear. I don’t always get such on-target interviews.”

He looks pleased. “It’s not that hard to figure men out. We’re very simple. We have a one-track mind. We’re not as smart as we think we are. It’s extremely easy for a woman to gently mold the man in the direction she wants him to go. Then he thinks he came up with the idea himself.”

We sit, silent. The interview has been top notch.

“What’s it all about, Rick?”

“Life or love?” He smiles. “A woman would have to understand that she’s my heaven on earth. When we step outside of our home, it’s hell. So when we come home, there has to be a lot of communication and a lot of mending.”

“But how do you mend?”

“You try not to break in the first place. You show your woman that your word is your bond. You have to give her the security of knowing that you’re gonna do the best that you can do. At the same time, you have to be a man. No woman likes a man that she can control one hundred-percent. You have to be a man at the right time.”