The Act of Marriage: The Beauty of Sexual Love (37 page)

Happiness is not automatic for a Christian. Each of the diagrams above represents a Christian, but obviously one Christian is miserable, the other happy. The reason is clear. The person with the self-controlled spiritual life reveals that self is back on the throne and he is living independent of God. This is unfortunately a common state for many Christians, and it always produces unhappiness. In fact, many Christians who live this way are more miserable than non-Christians because, in addition to making a mess of their lives through selfish decisions, they also are increasingly convicted by the indwelling Spirit.

The Christ-controlled spiritual life pictured above shows Christ daily in command of the decision-making processes of life. These individuals, like everyone else, will have to make such decisions as to where they will work, how they will treat their families, who will be their friends, and where they will live. However, they will
inquire of the Lord
where they will work, how they will treat their families, who will be their friends, and where they will live. When Christ controls one’s life, that person seeks to do those things and think those thoughts that please the Lord, who in turn will grant that person an abundance of the love, joy, and peace that guarantees the happiness every human being desires.

Christ in control of a person’s spiritual life is truly the missing dimension to life. When He directs an individual’s spiritual nature, that person’s clean thought patterns will produce good feelings and in turn engender the physical responses everyone wants. For this reason we believe that a couple with Christ in control will enjoy the act of love over the long years of marriage more than other people. Good thought patterns and attitudes spark the good actions that all married couples need.

Love is the first of the “fruit of the Spirit” mentioned in Galatians 5:22–23. The person whose life is Christ-controlled will possess a greater capacity to love his or her partner. The best way to increase one’s capacity to love is to bestow it on another.

God’s Cure for Incompatibility

In recent years the most common excuse for divorce has been incompatibility. Because many have come into my office with this complaint, I have developed a basic technique for dealing with it. One typical couple will serve as an example.

After the wife had reported her sordid tale of woe, she exclaimed, “There is no hope for our marriage because Sam and I are no longer compatible.” This meant that they no longer lived together in sexual unity, in this case avoiding intercourse for five months.

I asked Sara, “Has it always been this way?” Naturally she replied no. What couple would ever think of getting married knowing they were incompatible? Some couples who complain of incompatibility were so compatible during their courting days that they couldn’t keep their hands off each other. This indicates that they
learned
to be incompatible. Such discord has nothing to do with biology, physiology, or bodily function, but as we shall prove, it has everything to do with mental and spiritual sin.

Most couples today are attracted to each other on the emotional and physical levels because they are thrown together in a work or social environment. They notice that their body chemistry—or as I like to refer to it, biological magnetic attraction—sparks an emotional response. This is always an exciting experience for two red-blooded young people of the opposite sex. But if they lack a spiritual dimension to life, their first contact will produce additional associations that in turn fan their emotions and further spark their physical attraction. If they have been brainwashed by the free-love precepts of today’s campus humanists, they may start living together and enjoy expressing their drives much as do animals. Many still wisely reserve their sexual expression for marriage, but in either case, after the novelty wears off, the couple discovers that a wealth of mental disagreement is producing conflict and incompatibility.

Attraction on two levels

Every couple is destined to discover after marriage that they are not so similar in their likes and dislikes as they had thought before marriage. Their backgrounds, intelligence, and education may be different, and they may find themselves strongly disagreeing on such vital issues as money, children, manners, family, business, and social events. If these differences can be faced unselfishly, they will not create incompatibility; but if self reigns on the throne of their will, they are going to indulge in thought patterns of ingratitude, revenge, and animosity. Such thoughts turn love, joy, and peace into bitterness and hatred—the very ingredients that produce incompatibility.

The development of incompatibility

At the time Sara came in, she and Sam shared no spiritual dimension, and thus their individual selfishness had made them incompatible. But when Sara accepted Christ as her Lord and Savior in my office that day, she canceled their divorce proceeding and went home to become a loving, submissive, gracious wife. She had become convinced that such attitudes were God’s will for her life.

At my recommendation she did not tell Sam immediately about her new faith in Christ. Instead she waited until he noticed the obvious change in her. It did not take long. At the first spontaneous show of affection he was suspicious that she had been on a spending spree. Before long, however, he was forced to acknowledge her sincerity and candor. Within ten weeks Sam also came to a saving knowledge of Christ, and they have enjoyed a compatible relationship for many years.

If this were a rare experience, I would hesitate to cite it. One the contrary, I have found that making Christ the Lord of their life is a couple’s best cure for incompatibility.

The cure for incompatibility

A compatible marriage is a happy marriage, producing the finest environment for raising children. Although every couple anticipates a harmonious marriage, few experience it because they have never considered the missing dimension, the spiritual side of their nature. When that part of marriage is right, everything else seems to fall into a proper perspective.

When Jesus Christ warned us that we can do nothing without Him, He knew we were unable to establish a truly happy marriage without His guidance. The first recourse of a couple who are not enjoying the ultimate blessings that God intended for them should be to let Jesus Christ take control of their spirits, minds, and emotions. This can occasion a miraculous improvement in the relationship between two people.

Fifteen

Practical Answers to Common Questions

Lovemaking is an intricate art that must be practiced by two people for them to enjoy mutual satisfaction. As in any activity that requires cooperation between two humans, a malfunction can be triggered by the inadvertent mistake of one or the other. We have tried to deal with the most important aspects of lovemaking, but to be exhaustive would make this book so long that no reader could finish it. Supplemental to these major areas we have selected the most frequently asked questions on sex and answered them briefly and specifically. This chapter contains such questions arranged alphabetically by subject. It is hoped they cover
your
most urgent questions.

During the past forty years we have conducted more than eight hundred Family Life Seminars throughout the United States and Canada, reaching nearly one million people. At many of these seminars we asked the participants to submit questions concerning family living. More than 50 percent of these questions pertained to sexual adjustment. Our questionnaire, examined in chapter 13, contained a space at the end for important questions regarding sex, and almost every survey response included one or more questions. The obvious need for help on this score has greatly influenced us to write this book, particularly this chapter on sex questions.

Many of our answers will be different from those given by the popular sex writers of our day. We make no apology for this, because we are committed to the authority of the Bible, testing all problems and ideas by its principles. We believe that the key to happiness is to know the principles of God and do them (John 7:17). Secular writers are usually humanists who start with the fallacious premise that man is an animal and can satisfy his basic drives and passions in any way he desires as long as he doesn’t hurt someone else. By contrast, we believe that man is a special creation of God and that the Bible is His manual on human behavior. Where the Bible speaks clearly on a subject, therefore, we will probably be 180 degrees in opposition to the humanistic viewpoint.

There are two reasons why we are convinced that obedience to biblical principles on this delicate subject produces far greater happiness than does the philosophy of humanism:

1. Biblical principles come from a loving, all-knowing God who understands what is best for the human race (His special creation).

2. We have seen so many miserable devotees of humanism switch to biblical principles and find happiness that we are convinced they work.

One thing should be kept in mind when a person finds answers to life’s questions in the Bible: God’s Word doesn’t cover every single facet of married love in detail. Thus it is easy to be swayed by traditions or opinions that may or may not be grounded in Scripture but instead are carryovers from a past cultural practice or standard. We have tried to be fair in such matters and strip ourselves of unscriptural prejudices when answering these questions. Where the Bible speaks clearly, we speak positively; where the Bible is silent, we offer our opinions.

Abortion

Is it ever right for a Christian woman to have an abortion?

A crucial issue in today’ society relates to the morality of abortion. Ever since the 1973 Supreme Court ruling granted a constitutional guarantee of privacy in such matters and left the decision to the individual woman during the first six months of her pregnancy, legalized abortions have increased at a catastrophic rate. Currently they are said to be 4000 per day or a total of 1.5 million per year. Many opponents of abortion had earlier warned that if it were made legal, it would result in promiscuity, infidelity, venereal disease, and guilt. Who can deny the accuracy of their forecast?

There are two kinds of abortions—natural and induced. Although medical science cannot tell why, some women abort their pregnancies naturally, which may be nature’s way of dealing with birth defects or other prenatal complications. Induced abortions are medically simple if performed by a competent doctor in the early stages of pregnancy. There are two reasons for inducing an abortion: (1) to save the life of the mother when such action is necessary; this is called a “therapeutic abortion”; and (2) to serve the wishes of the mother, because she is either unmarried or does not want the child. In such cases those making such a decision must bear the moral responsibility for their actions.