Tearing Down Walls (Love Under Construction Series Book 2) (36 page)

“What ‘others?’” Vic shook his head. “Is this even weirder than what you’ve already told me?” Laura asked.

Vic chuckled. “No. It’s just that I’m not sure you can handle it.”

“I’m stronger than I look. Try me,” she said, challenging him. And Vic didn’t make it a habit to back down.

“There’s been more than one, but this lady will always stand out in my mind. She more or less wanted me to beat her to death.”

“What?” Laura almost shrieked.

“I know, I know. It was hard for me too. But there was a reason,” he said. Then he took a deep breath and started telling her about Evie, not by name, of course, but why she’d wanted the discipline, about what he’d experienced working with her and how he hadn’t been able to help her. Laura was struck by how grieved he seemed about the whole thing.

“Have you seen her again?” Laura asked.

“No. I’m afraid that she’ll keep looking until she finds some sadistic bastard who’ll jump on the chance to inflict that much pain, and she’ll really get hurt. And it hurts me to think about the fact that it’s exactly what she wants.” Vic’s voice was thick with emotion, and Laura was shocked. He cared about these people, people that would be thought of as freaks by most everyone else. She didn’t understand, but she did respect what he was trying to do, for himself and for them.

“So . . .” she began, trying to change gears, “you got involved in this to try to get your impulses under control?”

“Among other things.”

Laura wondered if she should ask the next question on her mind, then decided if she didn’t, it would be her fault if something came up to bite her in the ass later. “What ‘other things?’”

Vic hesitated. He felt like honesty was the only way to go, but he was also afraid – afraid of giving her too much ammunition to hurt him. But what could she do to him that would hurt worse than the way she’d already treated him? “I hoped it would let me help . . .” He stopped and stared at his hands.

Laura waited. Finally, she asked, “What, Vic? Help what?”

“Not what.” He paused. “Who.”

“Well then, who?” She was getting a little annoyed.

“Um,” he started, looking up at her, “. . . you.”

Laura couldn’t think straight. That’s why he’d done this, to try to find a way to help her? “How did you think that could help me, fucking random people night after night?”

“Like I said before, that has nothing to do with it. That’s just a small part of it, at least for me. If I went there every night and not one member wanted a private session, that would be fine. That’s not why I’m there. At all.” He sighed. “I can see you don’t understand this. I don’t know any other way to explain it to you. I don’t know why I thought this would work.”

“What? The work at the club?”

“No.” He paused for a few seconds, then said, “You. Me. Anything between us.”

Laura felt like he’d slapped her.
Yeah, that’s it. I’m so hopelessly damaged that I’m not worth it.
“So that’s it? You don’t even explain to me how this was supposed to help me? I don’t understand what you’re talking about, so you just give up on me? Why does this feel so damn familiar to me?”

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it. From the talk we had at the hospital after the Taser incident, I thought you’d decided that you wanted things to change. But it seems pretty clear that you’ve gotten comfortable with the mess you’re dealing with, all the shit that’s bottled up inside you, and you don’t think things could get better. And I can’t help you if you don’t want help. Plus I don’t want to get into the nuts and bolts of it yet. So I don’t know what to do at this point.” Vic sat back on the sofa, dropped his head back, and closed his eyes.

Laura tried to get her wits about her and think. She had to admit that, while she found his methods kind of weird, his motivation was something that took her by surprise. He was putting himself out there every night, in some compromising and maybe even dangerous situations, thinking he’d find a way to help her. That was something no one had ever done for her, not to mention that when Wagner had come after her, Vic had run right straight to her instead of running away. Even her parents hadn’t done that. When she’d finally come back to the area, they’d just stepped away when they realized how prickly her experiences had made her. Even though Peyton, José, Steve, Tony, and Nikki had been kind to her, no one had ever tried to reach out to her with a solution – nobody but Vic.

Had she really grown comfortable in her misery? Decided she enjoyed being a bitch? Forgotten what it felt like to feel – really feel? She took a deep breath and screwed up what courage she had left. He’d put a lot on the line for her, and she knew it was time for her to man up, but she wasn’t sure she could live with what he was doing. “So what would it take to get you to stop going to the club?”

Vic’s eyes popped open and he stared at the ceiling. Where was she going with this? “I’ve built a life for myself through the club. I’m not alone all the time. I’m not sitting at home, waiting for Tony and Nikki to invite me over, for Clayton and Brittany to ask if I want to come see the kids. The people I meet there like me. They respect me. The time I’ve put into keeping my body in shape has paid off. The women melt when I walk through the room, and it’s validating. I’m not waiting to get lucky. Women approach me, and the women I have sex with thank me. They
thank
me.” He sighed, a desperate, hopeless kind of sound that made her shudder.

She saw his face tense as he spoke again. “So unless you’re prepared to make some kind of commitment, I’m not leaving there, not to bow to some manipulation, only to find myself alone again next week, next month.” He dropped his head and looked at her, distrust thick in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I just can’t. I’ve worked too hard. I need to know what you want before I can even consider that.” He waited.

Laura squirmed. This wasn’t what she’d thought was going to happen. She thought she’d drop that carrot, dangle it, and he’d jump on it. And then what? She hadn’t thought that through, and she certainly hadn’t been prepared to be pushed into this corner. So she decided to shift gears, then straightened her back and looked Vic square in the face. “What would you helping me consist of? And what kind of commitment do you want from me?”

“What do you have to offer?” Vic asked, crossing his arms across his chest. His pecs flexed and Laura almost lost her train of thought.

“We’re both so damaged that I don’t know if we could ever have anything together. But I’m willing to try, and it sounds like you’re more than willing to,” she said, wondering what he’d say.

“I just need to know: Do you trust me?” he asked her, afraid of the answer.

Just as easily as breathing, she said, “Completely.”

Vic almost fell off the sofa. And she was serious too – he could see it on her face. He tried to collect his thoughts. “Then we have something we can work with. If you want to come out of that shell, I think I can help you do that. But we’ve got a problem with all of it.”

Now she was willing and he was backing out? “So what kind of problem would that be?”

Vic chuckled. “I don’t think Louisville and Lexington’s finest will do what they did tonight on a regular basis, if that’s how you got here, and I think it is, considering Bryson went all the way to Lexington and then back here when he belongs in Louisville.” Laura nodded. “So I don’t know how we’re even going to manage to be in the same place at the same time. I do not,” he said, leaning toward her and dropping his voice, “
I do not
want to lead him to you. I want you safer, not in more danger because of me. I don’t know how we’ll work that out. But I’ll think about it and work on it if you will.”

Laura nodded again. “Can I tell you something?” she asked him on impulse.

“Anything, honey. You should know that by now.”

“This is the first time . . .” she said, then had to stop and take a deep breath. She started again, and managed to say, “This is the first time I’ve thought I might have a chance at being, um, I don’t know, normal?”

Vic laughed out loud. “What the hell is normal? I have no idea!”

Laura giggled too – the first time in weeks. “Yeah, I don’t know either! I’m sure not one to define normal!”

“By the way . . . who engineered this little
incontro
?”

“Huh?”

“Sorry. Italian. Meeting.”

“Who do you think?” Laura laughed.

“Yeah,” Vic smiled. “That’s what I thought!” He reached toward her, and Laura took his hand. “We’ve got a lot of work to do, but first, we’ve got to make sure you live to do it. And at least now we’ve cleared the air between us. No more secrets,” Vic said, looking at her hand and tracing the veins on the back of it.

“Yeah,” Laura said. “No more secrets.” But she was lying and she knew it. There was one more secret, and she couldn’t tell it. Regardless what Vic did to try to help her, that one secret could undo everything.

“Hey! You guys finished eating? Bryson can come and pick her up.”

“Everything go okay?” Tony asked Vic.

“Yeah. Later.”

“Gotcha. We’ll talk after she leaves. You okay?”

“Good,” Vic said and didn’t elaborate.

“Yeah, I get it, she’s right there. Okay. We’ll be home in a minute,” Tony told him. “On our way.”

Vic hung up and looked at Laura. “They’ll be here in a few minutes. So is everything okay between us? Can we both agree that we want to see if there’s anything here that we can turn into a relationship?”

Laura almost blushed. “Yes.”

“Before they get here, I want to answer your question,” Vic told her, and took her hand again. “I can’t stop going to the club. Not until I know if this is going anywhere. Can you understand that? Why I can’t just throw away the only thing that’s given me any hope in years for something that may or may not materialize?”

“I sort of feel like you don’t want to make a real effort,” Laura said, looking sadder than Vic thought she was able to.

“No, that’s not it at all. I know you don’t understand, and that’s okay. You’ve just got to trust that when the time is right, if there is something between us, I’ll walk away from the club and that’ll be it. Can you trust me to do that?”

Laura tried to push down the discomfort she felt about him going to the club. She could tell he was resolved to stay there until she could tell him how she felt about him, and she couldn’t do that because she didn’t know. It suddenly occurred to her that this all hinged on her. Vic had a life; he had an exceptional job, and now he had what he felt was purpose, even though it was difficult for her to fathom how he could do what he was doing. She was the one who needed help, the one who was unable to tell someone as good and kind as Vic that she at least admired him, if not something more, because she was the one who couldn’t feel a damn thing. Her heart and her brain had been numb for a long time, and she didn’t want that anymore. She wanted to feel something, and the something she wanted to feel was something for Vic. There was a time to finally trust someone, and this was it.

“Yes. I can.” It was the first time she’d said that to anyone in a long time. “I’ll trust you to know if and when you need to do that. But you have to promise me that you’re not going to bail on me if . . . if things don’t go exactly like you think they will.” That wasn’t a good enough way to insulate herself if he found out her secret, but it was a little something to fall back on.

“If – when – we find a way to work together, that’s a commitment I’ll honor,” Vic assured her. “I won’t bail on you. You have my word.” He squeezed her hand, and she squeezed his back. That made him smile.

“Hey, guys, we’re back!” Nikki sang out. Laura and Vic could hear Nikki and Tony talking in the foyer, and Bryson strolled into the great room. Laura snatched her hand away from Vic’s, and she regretted it immediately, but when she sneaked a peek at his face, his eyes were smiling.

“About ready to go?” Bryson asked. Laura nodded and stood, and Vic rose behind her.

Tony strode into the room with Nikki right behind him. “Wish you could both stay and visit for awhile, but I think Bryson needs to get home.”

“Wish I could stay too,” Laura said, “but I guess I’d better get back to Molly’s.” Bryson started to the front door, and Laura followed, Vic trailing behind. He fought the urge to reach out and take her hand; he knew she’d just snap it back with everyone standing around.

When they reached the door, Laura felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to find Nikki standing there. “I’m sorry I tricked you like that. I hope it won’t make you distrust me from now on,” Nikki said, looking a little flushed.

“It’s okay. We’re good,” Laura told her, trying to put some warmth in her voice. Instead of hugging her, Nikki gave her a tiny wave and went back into the great room to Tony.

“Hey, Bryson, can we have just a minute, please?” Vic asked.

“Sure. I’ll wait in the car,” the detective told him.

With Bryson out the door, Vic turned to Laura. “For anyone else, this would be the point where I kissed you goodbye, but I’m guessing you wouldn’t be comfortable with that.”

Laura shuddered. “No.”

“So until we can figure out how to do this with your current situation, can I at least call you on the phone? Talk to you? Maybe once or twice a day?”