Sweet Forty-Two (11 page)

“Georgia ... the combination of medicine we have her on right now is the best she’s responded to. Why don’t we help that along with a round of—”

“No. I’m not sending her into seizures in the hopes that it rewires her brain so she can function normally again.”

“It’s not
just
a hope. It has a very high success rate of—”

“I’m aware of the numbers, Dr. Carver. I’m also aware of the potential negative side effects. So is my mother. Again, the answer is
no
.”

Dr. Carver stood and squared his chin toward me. “Your mother is here on her own accord, isn’t that correct?”

“Yes.” I scrunched my forehead, wondering what this lead-in was all about.

“If her history is any indication, she’ll likely be released within a few days. If she gets worse and has to eventually be involuntarily admitted, we’ll be completely out of proactive options unless you okay the use of ECT.”

Normally Dr. Carver would walk me back down the hallway and into the visiting room. This time, however his statuesque figure remained rooted by his desk, and I took that as my cue to leave. I knew he was her doctor and not my friend, but with one movement of his hands into his white coat pockets, he drew his line in the sand. He wasn’t going to budge on his opinion of the ECT.

Neither was I.

Upon returning to the visiting room, I was thrown off balance by its emptiness. Not just the absence of other patients, but the absence of my mother.

“She got tired,” Daniel said as he waved to me from across the room. “She went to bed. This is her usual time.”

I ran a hand through my hair, tightening it at the back of my neck. “Of course. I’m so used to coming here when she wakes up around three in the morning ... I just lost track of what time of day it was.”

I remained in my lonely spot on the floor until a firm arm wrapped around my shoulders. “It’s okay, Georgia. It’s tiring. Go home and get some sleep. See you at three?”

I looked up at Daniel’s compassionate eyes, wondering how long he’d be able to hold onto that empathy. “Do you ever go home?”

“Sometimes.” He smiled and squeezed my shoulders. “I usually work doubles. No wife. No kids. Why not? I love working here.”

I could have given him about twenty years worth of “why nots”, but I just smiled back and made my way through the maze of secured doors and hallways until I was back in my car, resting my head on my steering wheel and begging to hit the bottom of this rabbit hole.

“That’s fuckin’ awesome, dude. You’re going to love living with Georgia. She’s a trip.” CJ rummaged through Bo and Ember’s refrigerator. “Get your act together in the next couple of days and I can help you move in.”

“Thanks. I’m not moving in
with
her, CJ. It’s across from her. And, I expect your lazy ass to help me.” I shifted on the stool at the center island.

Ember set a plate topped with salad in front of me. “Wait, she stayed here last night? How did I miss that?”

“Because,” CJ spoke into the cheese drawer, “you were busy in
siracha
.”

I laughed as Ember scrunched her nose. “I was
what?
”

“You were in your headstand this morning.” I chuckled at CJ’s interpretation of Sanskrit.

“Oh.” She raised her eyebrow at CJ, indicating
idiot
. “Anyway, are you sure you want to do that? I mean, it seems like you’d have to deal with a lot of ... foot traffic.”

“What do you mean? It’s a residential spot, apart from the bakery that’s downstairs.” I reminded myself to ask Georgia again about that place.

Ember grumbled as CJ cluttered the island with a pound of meat and cheese, and other CJ-sandwich necessities, like mustard, mayo, and ketchup. Don’t ask.

“What I mean is, she seems like she’s pretty ... popular with the patrons at the bar.”

CJ slapped together a sandwich, took a bite, and responded with a mouth full of turkey. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“Oh come on, guys,” Ember looked exasperated as she played with the strings on her hoodie, “each night we were there she left with a different guy, and was all over everyone else. Don’t you think it’s all a bit ... much?”

My stomach twisted as CJ’s eyes shot to Ember defensively. “First of all, princess, she’s an adult. Second of all, she doesn’t do anything different than I, or half the other guys at Finnegan’s do every weekend, so you don’t need to judge her.”

“I judge
you
,” Ember mumbled between bites of organic lettuce from her parents’ garden.

“And I judge
you
,” CJ shot back. “Seriously, what do you care what she does with her time?”

Ember dropped her fork onto her plate. “You want to know why? I’ve spent nearly five years working for a domestic violence organization. It doesn’t matter how much we want gender roles
not
to matter, CJ. They do. The fact is, Georgia is almost infinitely times more likely to get raped than you ever will be by behaving the same exact way you do. And, the fact that
you
encourage her makes you incredibly irresponsible. You call yourself a friend? I call you clueless.”

“Regan,” Ember turned to me before CJ could respond, “if you do take that apartment, promise me you’ll be careful, and that you’ll keep an eye out. For her.”

I swallowed a forkful of seeds, nodding as my throat constricted around Ember’s implications. I hadn’t, honestly, thought much about Georgia’s safety in her actions. I’d spent too much time thinking Ember was judging her, being a bitch because she perceived her as slutty. Maybe that was an impression I’d had, too.

It frustrated me that she behaved the way she did. She was beautiful, funny, charming, and badass. I didn’t know enough about her, and I wasn’t close enough to her, though, to suggest she lead her life any other way.

Looking up, I found CJ red-faced and holding his sandwich in mid-air, staring at Ember. “What makes you think she’s going to get raped?”

“It’s not what I think, CJ. I was just telling you statistics. When she behaves like that, it’s going to invite the wrong kind of guy one of these times. It doesn’t cross your mind, CJ, because you’re not like that. You’d never do that. But, unfortunately, not all guys are like you. And, when alcohol and/or drugs are involved, even
more
people get into trouble.”

CJ didn’t respond. There was no attack, no smart-ass comment. He simply sat in silence. We all did.

After cleaning up from lunch, I tracked CJ down outside in the sand. His feet were buried as his forearms were propped up on his bent knees. I sat next to him, mimicking his position and staring out into the water until he was ready to talk.

“It’s not like that with her. Georgia...” He let his head fall, staring between his knees.

“Like what?”

“She’s not ... just she’s not like
that
.” CJ’s hands bounced, as he seemed to search for words that weren’t coming.

“I’m not worried, CJ. You said you two hung out a lot in high school, and whatever—”

“I’m worried. Her dad died.”

“Yeah, she told me. And her mom...” I sighed. There was so much loss everywhere.

CJ’s back straightened. “She told you about her mom?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, “gone, too.”

“Oh,” CJ looked at his knuckles, “yeah. Now they’re both gone.”

“When did her mom die?”

CJ shook his head. “It was all just really bad...”

I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and he didn’t move. He didn’t pull away. Even though I’m not his brother, I suddenly felt extreme guilt for not being around for him during the time I’d gone away to boarding school and then to college. It seems a lot happened in the two years CJ had left of high school while I was at the conservatory.

“Just keep an eye on her for me, okay? She’s been through a lot, and I didn’t even know about her dad until last night.” CJ’s face broke down a little as he covered his face with his hands.

I hadn’t seen him cry since the last time I kicked his ass when I was twelve and he was ten, so I wasn’t absolutely sure that’s what he was doing. Still, I gave his shoulder another squeeze just in case.

“I don’t really have much stuff.” I broke the stiff silence. “Do you want to swing by the place and check it out with me?”

CJ rubbed the back of his neck. “Sure, is she gonna be there?”

I shrugged. “Not sure. She said she had something to do north of La Jolla today. She didn’t say what.”

“Let’s go, then. I want to have time today to play around in that recording studio where you lucky bastards get to spend the next few months.”

I stood, reaching a hand down to help CJ up. “Let’s go, brother.”

“Now this ...
this
is a view!” CJ pressed his forehead ... and his palms against my once-clean picture window.

“Yes, and forevermore I’ll gaze at your greasy forehead print at sunset, wishing you were here.” I slapped the back of his head and handed him window cleaner and paper towels I’d picked up at the grocery store on our way over.

It only took us one trip to get all of my things from Bo and Ember’s place over to my new apartment. There was a futon and a dresser left in the apartment, so I moved them to my bedroom, vowing to pick up some other furniture later in the week.

“I’m gonna miss you.” CJ tossed the used paper towels into my still unlined trashcan and walked toward me with his hands in his pockets.

I raised a cautionary eyebrow. “Like miss me, miss me? Or, get ready for one of CJ’s smart-ass jokes, miss me?”

He laughed. A full laugh that stripped away his punk exterior. “No, I mean really miss you. You just came back last summer, then everything with Rae...” He pulled one hand out of his pocket and rubbed it along the back of his neck.

He didn’t bring Rae up often. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was emotionally stunted, or because he was unsure how to handle the conversation. The way his eyes never left my face, though, suggested the latter.

“It’s okay, man. It gets better everyday.” I sighed, resting my back against the expansive living room wall.

CJ shouldered up next to me. “No, it doesn’t.”

I turned to look at him, and found him staring at me with a look on his face as dry as scotch. “I...”

“Just because you find better ways to deal with it, doesn’t mean it gets
better.
”

As his words worked a perfect circle into my gut, I slid down the wall. “You’re right. Nothing is
better
. Easier some days? Maybe. But nothing can possibly ever be better.”

CJ followed my lead and sat next to me, knees bent, hands clasped between them.

“I’m sorry, man ... I might not believe in love for myself, but you two definitely loved each other.”

“We did.” Tears infiltrated my eyes as the unsettling tingling returned to my hands.

“Don’t be ashamed to talk to someone. Anyone.”

I whipped my head in his direction and softly chuckled. “What did you just say? Did you just give me mental health advice?”

He started to answer, but I cut him off. “Nah, you’re right, I think. Maybe. No, you’re definitely right. I almost kissed Georgia today, for fuck’s sake.”

“You
what?
” CJ’s eye’s widened, and if his voice had eyes, they would have widened too.

Burying my face in my hands, I groaned. “Dumbest move ever, right? This girl I barely know offers me this incredible apartment on the cheap and I try to make a move?”

“Eh,” CJ laughed, “maybe your excitement got a little redirected.”

“You’re an asshole. Seriously, though. I didn’t mean to. I don’t even ... she’s not really my type. And even though I couldn’t admit it to myself at the time, when she pulled away I felt a huge sense of relief. Like I’m carrying around guilt, or something. About Rae.”

CJ punched my shoulder. “
She
backed away? Burn, dude. Burn. Way to put the Kane family name to shame.”

“CJ,” I sighed, “somehow I doubt that our forefathers dreamed that the activities you concern yourself with would be
dignifying
to our family name.”

He stood and held out his hand. “You’re wrong. I’m definitely a legend.”

“In the healthcare industry, maybe.” I mumbled as I reached for his hand. He pulled his away, sending me back to the floor.

“I’m always safe, dude.” He used his helping hand to give me the finger.

“Whatever. Ready to go see the recording studio?” I stood and fished the apartment key from my pocket, heading for the door.

“Only if I can bang on the drums,” he jested.

“Only if that’s the only thing you bang while we’re there.”

“
Damn it
,” he playfully hissed. “Good one.”

As we drove to the studio, I replayed the bonehead move I’d made to try to kiss Georgia, and prayed that she’d just forget about it.

There was still too much of Rae swimming in my heart to let my lips confuse someone else.