SWAY (Part 1) (29 page)

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Monday morning I took off my ring and put it back on about fourteen times before deciding that I didn’t want to leave it behind when I went to school. Part of me wanted to wear it just to show everyone up, because I had done what no other girl before me had been able to do. I’d gotten Ryan Mullins to commit to me.

Part of me wanted to keep my ring a secret so that I wouldn’t look like an ass later if he decided to separate for three months or when the wrong person at school found out about Jacob and blabbed to ever
ybody about it.

This was how it would be for the rest of our lives. Ryan would always have a child with another girl. My marrying him wouldn’t change that. Keeping
it a secret wouldn’t change it, either. It would come to light and I would be ready to deal with it.

I was surprised the girls at school swooned instead of
snarled when talking to me about my ring. It was a nice distraction. I was allowed to leave our real life and revert to our fantasy life.

After school, I decided to bite the bullet and go talk to Pam, tell her everything—well not everything, just about Jacob. I knew it would hurt her feelings if I didn’t. Besides, I wasn’t sure how long Justin would keep the news that Ryan had a son to hi
mself.

Pam already knew about Katie. She was sort of sitting there when I told Justin about her.

When I walked into Pam’s boutique, she gushed over seeing me, like always.

“Do you have a minute to talk?” I asked.

“Sure.”

She led me to the seating area near the dressing rooms. We sat opposite of one another in steely blue tufted back armchairs, a rectang
ular mirrored accent table with a small vase of freshly cut flowers between us.

“W
hat’s up?” Pam asked.

“Um, I just wanted to tell you something…” I revealed slowly, unsure how to say the words to her, unsure I wanted to now that I was here. “…you know before…” I began and trailed off again.

“He already told me, sweetie,” Pam said softly. I guess the only secrets Justin could keep were about his own life. I breathed out raggedly and ran my hands down my thighs.

“But he didn’t tell me about that,” she gasped, darting around the table, taking my left hand to examine my ring.

I smiled. “Ryan gave it to me Friday.”

“Is it…
are you?” she asked, wide eyed.

“No, it’s a promise ring. There’s still
a lot
we have to sort out before we could…”
get married
. I don’t know why I couldn’t say those words out loud.

“Well, I think getting everything in order first is very smart of the two of you to.”

“I’m sorry you had to hear about Jacob from Justin. I wasn’t trying to keep it from you. I’m still processing it, really.”

“I know, sweetie,” she smiled. “I knew you would talk to me about it when you were ready.”

I exhaled, relieved that I had an actual person to discuss Jacob and Katie with, other than Ryan. I had been encouraging him to have a relationship with Jacob so I didn’t exactly want to tell him that I was nervous about it, and about how Katie will feel about me. I imagined that she might not be too thrilled about her son being around me when he’s at Ryan’s. But if Valerie took away his house, that wouldn’t be much of an issue.

I also didn’t know how Katie felt about the idea that she and Ryan should be the ones getting married. She could have been just as turned off by the thought as Ryan was, or she could have been in agre
ement with their parents and wanted to marry Ryan. I desperately hoped that wasn’t the case.

Pam told me that I should do my best to get along with
Katie and respect her boundaries when it came to Jacob. She thought it would be a good idea for Katie and me to talk about what we expected from each other as far as Jacob’s care went.

Pam and I had a nice, long conversation that was very helpful to me, but during most of
it I was thinking about Justin. I couldn’t help it. I wondered if I should bring up that I hadn’t talked to him since New Year’s Day or not. Then I figured that if Justin had told Pam my business that she must know why he didn’t call me on my birthday.

“Have you talked to Justin? Is he doing okay?” I asked. She frowned, looking slightly surprised. “He didn’t call you on your birt
hday?” she asked.

“He texted me.”

“Oh,” she said, the puckered position of her mouth linge
ring, then falling back into a frown.

“He’s mad, isn’t he?”

“I don’t think he’s mad,” she sighed. “I’m just not sure how to explain his feelings. I think that maybe he’s having a hard time understanding,” she said. Meaning he didn’t get why I decided to stay with Ryan after I found out he slept with Katie, then still hung around once I found out she’d had his baby. “Maybe…consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed,” she sighed again. “And then have a conversation with him. The two of you should really sit down and talk about
everything
that’s happened recently.”

Everything
, I thought. Yikes. That word made me wonder if
everything
hadn’t gone back to normal for Justin after Christmas. If that was the case, then I wasn’t so sure I could have a conversation with him yet. Especially about
everything
. I would have to tell him about my ring, and I didn’t want Justin to hate me for moving forward with Ryan.

***

I promised myself that I wouldn’t worry until I had to, but I couldn’t help it. Truthfully, I had been since I heard Valerie unload her ultimatum. Thinking about what Ryan would decide possessed my thoughts. It was eleven-thirty. I’d been lying in bed for an hour and a half and realized there was no way I was going to be able to sleep. I needed to see Ryan.

I quietly snuck downstairs and left my parents a note in case they woke, and then drove to Ryan’s house in Harmon, still in my p
ajamas. I used the key he had given me for my birthday to let myself inside. The familiar scent of his house escaped, rushing against me as I opened the door, making me feel even more desperate to get to him.

I stopped in the doorway of Ryan’s bedroom and looked at him. As I watched him lying there curved on his side, his arms wrapped around his pillow, I felt completely at peace, but the fee
ling faded once the thought of having to be without him for three months crept back in.

Not talking, not touching. I closed my eyes and breathed out, trying to free some of the pain I felt, allowing my tears to fall freely down my face.

I wanted to break down, I wanted to run to his side and beg him not to let me go—not to separate us. We could live without the money and land. We wouldn’t need any of it as long as we had each other. But I couldn’t do that to him. He was already struggling.

I slipped beneath the covers and slid my body behind his, his warmth inviting me to come closer. My arm curved over his side, I pressed my face against his neck and breathed him in. The scent stung me, sending a scorching ache down my throat, bur
ning its way through the rest of my body. The thought of losing him hurt so much. I loved him, and every part of me needed him to stay with me.

Ryan turned over and faced me. My heart impatiently pounded as he wiped away my tears. His eyes concentrated on mine. Peering into them, I knew he’d made his decision.

Ryan’s fingers intertwined with mine and we both held on, desperately clinging to the moment, to each other, as we both feared what would happen next.

Maybe he was right. I mean, who gets everything they want without sacrificing something? I just hoped he wasn’t sacr
ificing the wrong thing.

***

Ryan had talked to his father after Valerie left Saturday night. He didn’t agree with what she was doing, but confirmed that she could do exactly what she’d said and there was nothing anyone could do about it. John said he would talk to her, but all three of us knew it wouldn’t do any good.

I knew I’d be sacrificing my dignity by going to see V
alerie, but felt if I could convince her to let it go, it would be worth it. I was so desperate to keep this from happening that I convinced myself there was no way she could go through with separating us. There was no way she hated me that much, so much that she was willing to forgo Ryan’s happiness and punish him for wanting me and not Katie.

I was expecting a housekeeper to answer the door, so when Valerie swung it open I was caught off guard. She was wearing a pale pink fitted dress, holding a glass of red wine in the hand that wasn’t wrenched around the door handle, making it clear that she wasn’t going to invite me in.

She had a slight smile on her lips as she took in my hysterical appearance.

“I see my son has made his choice,” she said, pleased.

My eyes soaked her up as I stood there. There had to be a soul hidden inside that perfect shell of hers. Even murderers had souls. They proved it by asking for forgiveness. Valerie was human; she had to have a soft spot in there somewhere.

“Shouldn’t you be in school?” Valerie asked as I stared at her, contemplating how to begin—what I should say to make her change her mind.
What was it that she needed to hear in order to call off this whole ridiculous thing
?

“I’d hate for your parents to be visited by a truancy officer at their place of business. How would that look to their patients?
If they can’t make sure their own child is in school, how helpful could they be to someone who really needs it?”

I ignored her words. Although I wouldn’t be surprised if she r
eported me the moment I left.

“Don’t do this. Please,” I breathed, tearing up again. “Don’t separate us. He’ll have a relationship with Jacob.
And Katie. I promise you. I’ll make sure of it. I’ll do anything else you want—just don’t keep us away from each other.”

Valerie laughed. “You’re offering to help
me
?”

“Yes,” I felt my throat tighten around the word, barely able to shove it past my lips.

“I don’t need your help. Ryan’s doing what I want. I’m getting my way, Annie. Why would I choose your way when I can have my own?” She raised an eyebrow, awaiting my answer. I hated her in that moment. I’d never wanted to hurt another person so much in my life. I smashed my mouth closed so that all of the horrible things I was thinking couldn’t fly out and cause her to do even more damage. I considered my words before speaking again. I needed to make them count.

“I know what you’re hoping for, but this won’t break us,” I threatened her.

“We’ll see, dear.” Valerie’s red mouth formed a wicked smirk. “Here’s to seeing less of you in the future,” she said, raising her glass of wine before closing the door in my face.

I’d known better than to go to her. She was right. She was ge
tting her way and now I had to worry about what kind of shit she was going to pull once she had Ryan and me apart.

38

Ryan and I spent our last night together before we had to separate at The Metro Hotel. I wasn’t nearly as excited about being here with him as I was the first time, since I was on the verge of heartbroken.

Ryan had written letters for me to keep while we were apart. I gave him a watch, which seemed ridiculously inappropr
iate after he handed me love letters. I wouldn’t have given it to him at all if I hadn’t had the good sense to have it inscribed, making it more personal, although not as personal as love letters. Ironically, I’d had his mother’s words inscribed on the back.

True Love Never Dies

Those were probably the truest words his mother had ever spoken. I didn’t tell Ryan I’d gone to see Valerie because I knew it wouldn’t change anything and I didn’t want to upset him, not tonight.

He loved the watch and promised he’d never take it off. “It has one of those fancy settings that I know nothing about, but the salesman set the alarm to go off at 12:01 when day ninety begins.”  The next time we’d be allowed to see each other. Ryan kissed me. “I can’t wait,” he breathed.

The rest of our night moved in slow motion. Everything seemed to linger, allowing me to capture each moment and lock it up tightly in my memory.

“I want to love you like this forever,” Ryan murmured. “I’m g
oing to love you like this forever.” Every inch of me knew he meant it.

I hardly slept at all. My eyes were puffy from crying so much a
fter Ryan fell asleep. I lay awake watching him, listening to him breathe, missing him already and preparing myself for the possibility that he may not come back to me once he left in the morning. I knew better than to underestimate Valerie. I knew she had probably already begun scheming, dreaming up a plan to get Ryan and Katie together while I was out of the way.

I finally drifted off, but started to cry again as soon as I woke. Ryan tried to comfort me, but I was inconsolable. He drove me home and walked me to my front door. He kissed me one last time. “I love you so much.” I was angry that I couldn’t see him clearly, because of my tears. “We’ll be together again before you know it.” Ryan smiled, lighting up his magnif
icent face.

“I love you,” I somehow managed to get out. My brain was screaming for him not to leave me, begging him, but I never would have been able to ask that of him.

The loss I felt as I watched Ryan drive away scorched my already raw insides. Being away from Ryan was going to be complete torture for me and Valerie knew it. This was her sick brand of vengeance. I would always hate her for doing this to us, no matter how it turned out.

I had taken the t-shirt Ryan wore yesterday when we left the h
otel because it smelled like him. I knew it wouldn’t take long for the scent to fade, but it would comfort me for a while anyway.

Ryan asked me to get something of mine for him to keep. I gave him the pillow I slept with. “I know the pillowcase doesn’t match your linens,” I began apologetically.

Ryan kissed me. “I don’t care that it doesn’t match, Reynolds. I just care that it belongs to you, that I can have this piece of you with me at night.”  

I went inside my quiet, empty house and stood in the foyer taking in for a moment just how alone I was before I trudged u
pstairs and spread the letters Ryan had written me over my bed. He’d asked me to wait to read them. He didn’t want me to waste time on them while we were together last night. He wanted us to focus on each other instead.

“These are meant to remind you of me once we’re apart,” he’d said. “They’ll remind you of everything—all the promises we’ve made and how much I love you.”

It was so hard on day one to imagine reaching day ninety. I heard Ryan’s voice in my head telling me that this would all be over soon and we would be back together before we knew it. That sentiment resonated in my brain, giving me hope that our relationship might actually survive.