S.T.I.N.K.B.O.M.B. (22 page)

‘Can I see?’ Barney asked.

Gemma held up the phone to show the two words she’d written in the outgoing text field.

‘Cool! Let’s try it and see what happens,’ suggested Barney. ‘But we have to be ready to roll as soon as the door opens.’

‘I’ll stay out here and work the comms,’ Gemma offered, unzipping her rucksack and fishing out four tiny rubber earpieces. ‘If we all wear these we can stay in touch. I
can use my laptop to try and give you some sort of tech support. I’d better contact IC in her meeting – break it to her that we haven’t exactly followed her orders to the
letter.’

‘So what’s the deal?’ Archie asked, working the rubber bud into his ear. ‘Are we still operating on a surveillance-only basis?’

Gemma smiled wryly. ‘As Holden Grey might say there’s a time for surveillance and a time to engage, and this is one of those.’

‘Sorry which one?’

‘Do keep up, Agent Yankee.’ Gemma winked. ‘It’s time to engage.’

‘OK,’ Archie said resolutely. ‘Let’s do this.’

‘Yes!’ Barney gave the air a furtive uppercut. Touching his earpiece, he mumbled to himself, ‘We have a go situation. I say again, we have a go.’

‘Finn,’ Archie called gently, distracting him from the view, ‘can you enter some numbers into the keypad for us?’

Finn turned and smiled pleasantly. ‘What keypad’s that?’

When Finn had entered the final number, the four companions held their breath.

‘Pssshhhht.’

It sounded as though someone had popped open a giant can of Coke but when Archie spun round he saw where the pneumatic hiss had come from. A short distance from where he stood, a large round
logo about four metres in diameter was painted on the roof. The black circle was bisected by a golden flash of lightning with the words ‘RALLY Against the World’ written down the zigzag
design in red letters.

As he watched, his mouth dry and his palms wet, he saw a jagged fissure open up along the edge of the lightning. With silent elegance the zigzag crack yawned open like the mouth of a hungry
shark. Within seconds the two halves of the circle had glided out of sight, leaving a large round hole in the roof.

Archie crept forward and peered tentatively into the opening. A flight of glossy white stairs led down into Dr Doom’s hideout.

He turned and saw a look of utter joy on Barney’s face.

‘I know it’s a silly question,’ Archie said, feeling sick with nerves, ‘but are you sure you want to go through with this?’

Barney grinned. ‘Does James Bond drive a fast car?’

‘OK. I’ll go first. Finn, you come behind me, and Barney, you bring up the rear.’

‘Copy that,’ said Barney.

‘Stay in touch,’ said Gemma.

Archie nodded grimly then turned and put one foot on to the staircase leading into the hideout. ‘Everyone stay close,’ he muttered. ‘Let’s go and let off a STINKBOMB
right under Doctor Doom’s nose.’

Archie crouched low as he descended the short flight of stairs, ducking his head under the roof to check no one was waiting for him below. Finn and Barney followed, all three
pausing to assess their surroundings when they reached the metal grille floor. They were standing in a long straight corridor that was octagonal in section, its walls constructed of smooth white
epoxy.

‘I can’t believe there aren’t any guards here,’ Archie whispered, but as he spoke he understood why. Attached to the ceiling just above his head and painted white to
disguise its presence, a security camera was trained on the entrance.

‘We’re busted,’ he said, pointing to the surveillance device. ‘It’s looking straight at us – its little red light is blinking and everything.’

‘Don’t worry,’ said Barney confidently ‘That’ll feed into a security suite somewhere nearby where a lone guard will be monitoring about ten screens. At least
that’s what he’s supposed to be doing – he’ll actually be reading the paper or snoozing and paying no attention to what’s happening on the monitors in front of
him.’

‘That would be pretty convenient,’ Archie said dubiously.

‘Do you hear a warning siren?’ Barney asked. ‘Or a computerised voice going,
Intruder, intruder
?’

Archie paused for a moment. ‘Er, no.’

‘So we’re good to go,’ Barney concluded. ‘All we need to do is find the security suite, overpower the inattentive guard, and put on the spare boiler suits that will be
hanging up in the room.’

‘Boiler suits?’ Archie repeated, wrinkling his nose.

‘Yuh.’ Barney looked at Archie as though he was totally clueless. ‘All evil masterminds’ henchmen wear white boiler suits. Everyone knows that. It’ll be a piece of
cake, I promise.’

‘I hope you’re right,’ Archie whispered, leading the way down the corridor.

As they neared a T-junction at the end of the passageway Archie heard voices accompanied by the metallic clang of approaching footsteps.

‘Guards!’ Barney hissed. ‘Hide!’

‘That’s easier said than done,’ Archie whispered, scanning the empty corridor. ‘It’s not like there’s a handy sofa to duck behind.’

For a second the three companions froze helplessly in the middle of the passage. Then Archie noticed something out of the corner of his eye.

There was a small alcove in the wall right next to where he was standing. He ducked into it, pulling Finn and Barney with him. The three friends pressed their backs to the wall and held their
breath as two figures clad in white boiler suits passed the end of the corridor.

‘Looks like you were right about the outfits,’ Archie whispered when the footsteps had receded out of earshot.

‘Don’t sound so surprised,’ Barney smiled. ‘I know my stuff.’

‘OK then, Einstein,’ Archie said, raising one eyebrow. ‘Where do we go from here?’

Barney narrowed his eyes as he peered down the corridor. ‘My instincts tell me we should proceed and surveil our options from the junction up ahead.’

‘If you ask me,’ Finn offered, ‘I think the security suite might be through this door.’

‘You remember the layout?’ Archie asked urgently.

Finn shook his head. ‘No,’ he said with an apologetic shrug.

Archie pursed his lips into a tense smile. ‘So what makes you think the security suite is behind this door?’

It says so right there.’ Finn pointed one stubby finger at a small sign on the door.

Archie edged out of the alcove and ducked against the wall next to the door. Holding a finger to his lips he tugged Finn’s sleeve, and the fish boy shuffled back and
crouched behind him. Barney stepped into the corridor and pressed his back against the wall on the other side of the doorway.

‘What now?’ Archie mouthed.

Barney responded immediately with a series of briskly executed hand gestures. When he had finished he stepped in front of the doorway, grabbed the locking lever and began to turn it
anticlockwise.

‘Wait!’ Archie hissed, gripping his friend’s shoulder and hauling him back. ‘I didn’t understand any of that.’

Resuming his position next to the doorway, Barney sighed and shook his head patronisingly before repeating the sequence of signals, this time at a slightly slower pace. ‘Did you copy
that
?’ he whispered when he had finished.

‘I don’t think so,’ Archie replied. ‘Unless you actually want me to poke myself in the eyes while you arm-wrestle someone before commanding their dog to sit?’

Barney rolled his eyes before repeating the gestures in super-slow time, explaining what each of them meant. ‘You keep a lookout (Barney pointed a finger at Archie then jabbed two fingers
of one hand towards his own eyes) while I open the door (he mimed rotating the lever) and take down the inattentive guard with a single karate chop to the neck (he sliced his hand downward from his
ear to his side). They’re standard field signals, you know.’

‘Really?’ mused Archie. ‘They actually have a field signal for
I’m going to take down the inattentive guard with a single karate chop to the neck
? Because if you
ask me, it really looks like you’re telling a dog to sit.’

‘I suggest you check your manuals, Agent Yankee.’

‘OK.’ Archie exhaled, letting the air flap his lips. Then he continued tentatively, ‘Are you sure you can take down the guard with a karate chop anyway? I mean, I’m not
being funny but you’re not exactly a highly trained unarmed-combat specialist. I’m not even sure you could take down a teddy bear without back-up.’

‘Trust me, it’s easy’ Barney assured his friend. ‘You just sneak up behind them and . . .
Hiiiyyaah
.’

‘Hiiiyyaah?’ Archie grimaced quizzically.

‘Hiiiyyaah.’ Barney nodded. ‘You chop them right where their neck meets their shoulder and they keel over like a sack of spuds. I’ve seen it done loads of
times.’

‘Yeah, in
films
.’

‘Was I right about the boiler suits?’

‘Yeah, but . . .’

Before Archie could protest further, Barney got hold of the locking handle and, with a movement that did actually resemble an arm-wrestler levering his opponent’s hand on to the table,
opened the door.

Archie and Finn crouched in the alcove to monitor the empty corridor but Archie couldn’t resist turning to watch Barney enter the security suite. Behind the door was a small windowless
room in which a single figure wearing a hooded white boiler suit was sitting at a plain desk. Mounted on the wall beyond the desk were ten flat-screen TVs showing assorted sections of
corridors.

Barney crept towards the guard, who was slouched in his chair with his back to the doorway. When he was no more than a foot behind the figure he realised the guard was actually asleep on the job
– just as he had predicted.

Raising his right arm, he brought the edge of his palm to within an inch of the guard’s neck and took a few practice swings, each time stopping his hand short of its target. Confident he
had perfected his aim, he raised his arm above his head and chopped his hand down on the guard’s shoulder with all his might.

‘HhiiiyyyaaaAAHH!’

Archie winced at the force of the blow then watched events unfold in a matter of seconds.

Barney took a step back as the guard rocked forward in his seat.

He’s actually unconscious, Archie thought, giving Barney a surprised thumbs up.

Then the guard jumped to his feet and wheeled round, clutching his neck.

‘OWWWW!’ he groaned angrily. ‘That REALLY hurt!’

Barney and the guard stared at each other for a moment, each as stunned as the other by the turn of events.

‘Who are you?’ the guard demanded. ‘How did you get here?’

‘I could ask you the same thing,’ Barney said suavely if nonsensically.

The guard shook his head vigorously to throw off the effects of Barney’s karate chop then, as if he’d just remembered the purpose of his job, he lunged at the intruder.

Barney danced backwards, dodging two or three punches before retaliating with a volley of crisp blows that left the guard unconscious. At least, that’s how he imagined it.

In reality Barney’s evasive footwork was so sluggish that he’d only retreated about a metre before the guard was upon him, hands wide apart. As the guard’s arms began to close,
Barney tried to duck under the embrace but he was too slow and the guard gathered him up in what looked like a powerful bear hug.

‘He’s got Barney’ Archie told Finn urgently. ‘Wait here.’

Before he’d had a chance to formulate a plan, Archie leaped into the security suite.

‘Drop him,’ he ordered, ‘or I’m going to drop you.’

The guard glanced over his shoulder at Archie. His features were masked by the hood of his boiler suit, which covered his head like a bag with just a narrow rectangle of blacked-out plastic to
see through. Without a word the guard proceeded to squeeze Barney with greater force, squashing his fleshy pink cheek against his chest.

‘OK,’ Archie shrugged. ‘Have it your way.’

Skipping deftly to one side so that he was behind the guard, Archie leaped high into the air and drove his right leg out straight, slamming his heel into the guard’s back. The guard
exhaled with a groan, stumbling forward a couple of steps and releasing his grip on Barney.