Stages of Grace (19 page)

"Oh, how long was I out?"

"About three hours."

"Really?
I don’t get why I'm so tired."

"I've heard moving can be emotionally draining."

"That must be it."

"Did you want to get out?"

"Yes, thanks"

I unfold myself from the passenger seat. It feels wonderful to stretch. I slowly walk around to the back of the car and lean on the trunk, looking about. The rest stop is on the small side. It has a gas station with a built in deli and a bank of vending machines near the bathrooms. There is a grassy area with a couple of picnic benches for people to sit and eat at. It’s almost lunch time. I wonder if Ryan's hungry. He’s gone to the restroom. It’s probably a smart idea that I do the same. When I get back to the car, he is there, waiting for me.

"Should we eat lunch?" I ask.

"Sure. I’m not really hungry, though.
Big breakfast."

I laugh, remembering our faces when his plate came out.

"We could always buy sandwiches now and eat them later."

We walk over to the deli to see what they offer. Ryan, again, refuses to let me pay. I don’t mind, I won’t have a source of income when I get to Florida. Just thinking about it makes me nervous. It’s hard not to second-guess my choices. I'm leaving so much behind: a good job that I loved and Jon. I don’t know what to think about Jon. When it comes to him, I just feel unsettled. It had been my goal for so long to make our relat
ionship work. It feels like I've given up, but had he given up first?

When we get back to the car with our sandwiches, I take over driving. It feels good to have something to do, and Ryan makes a good navigator. I feel somewhat guilty for sleeping instead of helping when he drove.

"If you're tired, feel free to take a nap."

"I'm not tired."

"Well, if you get tired."

"Alright.
Hey, Texas! We haven't seen that one yet, have we?" Ryan searches for it on our list.

I'm still winning, but it makes me smile that Ryan hasn't given up yet. While we drive, I ask him about New Zealand. It seems like another world.
It's weird thinking it's summer there Ryan tells me The Lord of the Rings movies were filmed there, and fans still visit to see locations from the films. He grew up playing soccer, or football as they called it, and rugby. He was the bane of existence to his older sisters, always messing up their plans. He tells me the funniest story about one of his older sisters having a big party, and he was home and allowed to attend. Well, all of her friends thought it would be hysterical to get him drunk, He had been maybe eleven at the time.

He drank everything they gave him, including at one point, something red. It may have been a daiquiri, but it did not agree with him, and he got sick. He had never been sick like that before, and his vomit was red. He was still so drunk he thought he was throwing up blood. He
wasn’t but it did not stop him from going to each and every member of the party to say goodbye. You see, he was saying goodbye because he was certain that he was dying.

"I actually remember feeling quite calm abo
ut dying. God, I was such a prat. I felt like a right idiot the next morning when I figured out I was still alive. Many of her friends had spent the night. I avoided them all, I was so embarrassed. She is still mates with some of those kids. My sister and her mates still take the piss, sorry still tease me about it."

"I wish I had brothers or sisters."

"I didn’t growing up. They were such a pain, and God, when they were teenagers I thought they were mad. Now that I'm older, I get how lucky I was to have them. They used to beat the crap out of me, and I deserved it but they were my fiercest protectors if anyone else said a foul word towards me."

"You're lucky to have that."

"I am. I know it."

Ryan asks me if I have any embarrassing tales from my childhood. I tell him about my dad and what an outdoorsman he was.

"He loved camping and hiking, fishing, really almost anything outdoorsy. He also loved owls. I always tried to please him, and one morning when I was playing in a park near our home, I saw what I thought was an owl. It was really a large hawk, but I was little and couldn’t tell the difference. I wasn’t sure why but the hawk landed not far from me and looked at me. I became convinced I would be able to get it to follow me home and give it to my father as a gift. Using a, ‘here, birdy birdy’ I tried unsuccessfully to get it to follow me. A neighbor saw me near the bird and came and shooed it away. He then yelled at me, saying how unsafe it was for me to be near that kind of bird. I was devastated. Not only had I learned it wasn't an owl, but he'd made me feel silly. I remember going home in tears at my failure."

"That's a lovely story, Grace. I can tell how much you cared for your dad."

I nod, keeping my eyes on the road. If I look at him right now I'm pretty sure I'll cry. I feel overwhelmed by sadness in leaving my home. It’s where I had grown up. Where my parents had died. I think to
that
day, the day I stood on the banks of the Cuyahoga and watched their ashes sink into the river. It feels like I am abandoning them somehow. I don’t speak much after that. We fly through the Carolina's but get snarled up in Georgia. We finally reach an exit on the far side of the city and call it a day. There had been some small hope of reaching Tampa that night, but we're tired and decide to make a fresh start of it the next morning. I don’t mind the delay. It only means another day before accepting I do not live in Cleveland anymore. We find a hotel and get checked in, again with two double beds. This place is much nicer and more updated than the motel we had stayed in the night before. I pass the bed closer to the door and set my bag on the one further away.

"Room service?"

"That sounds wonderful. I don't want to get back in the car anytime soon," I reply.

"My treat."

I smile at him and shake my head. He had tried to pay for the room this time, but I refused. It didn’t feel right. He already paid for his plane ticket and didn't let me pay him back. I won't let him pay for either of the rooms. We take our time looking at the menu. I end up ordering pancakes, which makes Ryan laugh. I like breakfast foods, and the only other thing that sounds appealing to me is a hamburger, and we've already had that two nights in a row. Ryan orders a chicken dish and dessert for both of us.

I don't feel the same sense of overwhelming exhaustion I felt the day before. Today, home feels so far away. I still wonder if I live somewhere else, will it still be my
home? I had not realized how hard this would be. I thought I wasn’t leaving anything behind. Now I understood better how that had been wrong. I'm confused about Ryan. I wonder if he likes me. I guess I know he likes me, but wonder if he likes me likes me. There had been that night at Kate's when I thought he might kiss me. Do I even want him to like me like that?

He’s nice, and I’m attracted to him, but I'm just so unsure about everything. Most of all, I'm sad and am not even sure why. It's like there are so many things in my mind that it’s overflowing: leaving, missing my parents, feeling like I failed with Jon, being unemployed, not knowing what I have gotten myself into. Each concern washes over me in a seemingly endless loop, some of them lasting longer than others. I wish I had someone to talk to about it. It’s a lot to deal with all by myself. The idea of talking to Ryan about it is embarrassing, but I don’t know what else to do.

He seems to pick up on it, and while we wait for our food, say, "Grace, you seem a bit down. Everything okay?"

I sit on the edge of my bed "I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just feel overwhelmed."

He pulls a chair over and sits in front of me "I can understand how leaving home feels."

"Do you ever get homesick?" I ask, looking down at my hands.

"Sure."

"But you still have family there and a reason to go back" I argue.

He reaches out and puts his hand on mine "Grace, you never need a reason to go back. If you're ever homesick, you can go back and visit any time."

I look up at him "I'm just scared it wouldn’t feel like home anymore."

"After some time it probably won't. Things will change, and if you aren’t there to see it happen, it will feel strange and different. The first time I went home was after a new shopping center had gone up. I wasn't ready for how different it seemed."

"What did you do?"

"Try and stay busy in the beginning. Too much free time lets you over think things."

"I don’t even have a job yet."

He hesitates. "Would you like to work with me?"

"You don’t have to do that
" I say, shaking my head.

"Seriously."

My mouth drops "But I know nothing about boats or the water."

"I can teach you" he replies, tilting his head to the side.

"I just—I don’t know."

"Come on. It'd be fun" he's smiling now.

His hand is still on mine. He moves it when I look down at it "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely."

"You can fire me if I'm awful."

"Grace, don’t be silly
." he stands and hesitates before pushing the chair back.

I s
mile, I have a job. I don't give care how much it pays. The idea he would hire me at all…My head turns when I hear the knock at the door. Our food has arrived. I feel a little better. Talking about it had helped. Pancakes too. After we eat, I call Kate let her know we're staying in Georgia for the night because of traffic. Kate is so excited I’m coming she is fine with waiting another day. At this point, we're only five hours away, depending on traffic. We will get there just after lunchtime tomorrow.

Ryan and I stay up talking that night, each in our beds. Ryan doesn’t wear a shirt when he goes to bed, just pajama bottoms that hang low on his hips. It feels strange, lying down, turned on my side, talking to him. I have to remind myself not to stare at him. It’s hard not to, though. He's turned on his side, head propped up on his hand. He's excited about me coming to work with him. He says we can carpool, and he can teach me everything he knows.

His enthusiasm is infectious, temporarily banishing my gloomy mood. I have to believe I can do this. It’s too far to turn back now.

"Grace?"

"Huh?" I squint at him.

"Did you fall asleep?"

"I'm just resting my eyes" I mumble.

"Mm hmm."

"I was." I yawn loudly. "Just a little."

"Alright, Grace. Sweet dreams."

"I'm up. I am," and I’m asleep.

The next morning, I wake up first. I turn to watch Ryan as he sleeps. He's on his stomach with a pillow
under one of his arms and head. His hair is in his eyes, and I have the sudden urge to brush it to the side. Recognizing how absolutely creepy that would be, I get up to shower instead. Once I’m dressed I open the bathroom door to let some steam out. I’m brushing my hair when Ryan pops his head in the door, making me jump.

"Didn’t mean to startle you.
Just wanted to know if the john was free."

"Of course.
Here, let me get out of your way."

At the doorway, we both move in the same direction.
First left, then right, until I am able to squeeze past him. I feel warm from being so close to him in all of his shirtless glory. I tell myself to slow down when it comes to Ryan. Sure, he flirted with me when I was in Florida. I can still imagine his forehead against my own after our dance. However, since then, he has been nothing but friendly, and now if I'm going to be working with him, it would not be wise to be lusting after him. Most of all, my attraction to him makes me feel guilty. My relationship with Jon, while troubled, has only just ended. What kind of person does it make me to forget those feelings so quickly?

"I'm sorry, what?"

Oh my God, I had been thinking out loud. I clap my hand over my mouth, eyes wide. What had he heard? My reaction seems to confuse him. He cocks his head at me.

I lower my hand. "I hadn't realized I was talking out loud."

"No worries, Grace. I heard you, but I didn’t hear what you were saying."

Thank God!
"Whew. I was just thinking."

"What were you thinking about?"

"Um, the move" I lie.

His forehead creases.
"Okay."

I can tell he doesn’t believe me but am grateful that he doesn’t press the issue. How embarrassing. Once Ryan is dressed, we head to the lobby together. This hotel has a complimentary breakfast so we won’t have to worry about stopping on the way out. It’s strange to think I’ll be arriving at my new home today. I’m looking forward to seeing Kate and sleeping in that bed again but, I still can't shake off the melancholy.

Ryan drives first, we are maybe five hours from Tampa, and we'll stop halfway for a bite and to refuel. I'll drive the last leg. I want to learn my way around, and Ryan promises to point out important landmarks.

"Do you think you'll apply at any doctors’ offices?"

"Probably. It’s all I really know how to do."