Solace (13 page)

No, he hadn’t. Aaron leaned back in his chair, unsure what to say. He tabbed out, trying to look up custody laws, but everything blurred together in a tangle of legal jargon.

He finally typed.

Aaron’s fingers clenched around the mouse. He thought he understood Shane. He’d had a lot of patience with the man because, frankly, it was warranted.

But sometimes he was so fucking frustrating…

But Aaron didn’t type anything else. He enabled the group voice chat that was built into the game, hearing the crackle of feedback from the speakers of Shane’s laptop.

After a few moments, a noise alerted him to the fact that Shane had signed on, too.

Aaron spoke first.

“You’re not a psychopath. Stop saying you are.”

He tried to keep his voice firm, even if it wavered halfway through.

“Can’t deny I’m fucked up, though.”

Shane sounded rough. His voice was hoarse, his throat likely dry. He had that tone of someone who needed a lot more sleep than he’d managed, too.

“But you’re working on things. That’s reason enough to take this to court. And… I’ll testify,” he said before he had a chance to think better of it. “You need… what’s it called? A character reference, right?”

“Why the fuck would you do that after what I did to you?”

He sounded genuinely shocked, and Aaron’s gut clenched. They were friends, weren’t they? If nothing else.

“You don’t deserve to lose Rebecca. You have to stop punishing yourself.”

Silence met this. He heard the creak of the old couch and imagined Shane sitting back on it, or maybe laying down with the laptop on his chest.

Aaron suddenly wished he could be there, curled up with him. But he had no place at Shane’s side. Not like that.

After a long while, Shane finally said something else.

“How’s your speech thing going?”

It wasn’t as graceful a diversion as he usually managed. Aaron would blame it on the hangover. Or maybe Shane was just learning it was obvious no matter how he did it.

“It’s… going, I guess.”

He heard Shane laugh. It was dry and brief, but even that small glimpse of happiness warmed him.

“So you’re avoiding it.”

“Pretty much.”

“You can practice with me if you want. Promise I won’t jump you.”

Aaron froze at that. Shane was just being playful, and it felt good to coax him out of the mood he’d been in earlier; the mood he’d obviously been in last night.

But Aaron was in a mood of his own. He didn’t think he could force the words past his lips, though, and so he typed into group chat.

“Aaron…” Shane’s voice was low, almost a growl.

Aaron looked at the door, breathless. He halfway expected Shane to come striding through it at any moment. But from the silence in the other room, Shane hadn’t even left the couch.

That… was probably for the best. Aaron raked a hand through his hair and decided being playful and flirtatious in response just wasn’t going to work as well as when Shane did it.

So he opted for a confession.

“Every time I think about talking I just freeze up.”

He shifted in his seat, considering his long-cold coffee. He should have gotten himself a glass of water or something, but he didn’t want to break the spell and erode this barrier before Shane was ready.

Even now he could recognize his brain was stalling. He laced his hands behind his head and sighed.

“My dad was big on negative reinforcement. I guess that’s how his dad raised him. He always said it made him a better man.”

Aaron wasn’t so sure about that.

“I was really shy as a kid, so my dad would just sort of shove me into public and force me to talk to anyone and everyone. And if I didn’t, he’d humiliate me.”

Usually until Aaron ended up in tears.

“Jesus,” Shane said on an exhale.

“I started having trouble with stuttering. I’d get so worked up thinking about what he would do if I didn’t talk that I tripped over my words.” Even now, he could feel that anxiety scratching at the back of his throat. “He hired a speech coach who basically just yelled at me to try and get it to go away. If any of my teachers ‘“coddled”‘ me, he complained to the principal. He ended up getting one of them fired.”

“Sounds like a great guy,” Shane said dryly.

Aaron couldn’t even laugh. As a kid, when he’d been old enough to realize what his father had done was wrong, he’d never really considered it to be that bad. There were other kids whose dads beat them. He had it easy compared to them.

But these days he wondered.

“How’d you get through it?”

He knew what Shane meant. He didn’t stutter anymore. Not unless he was speaking in front of a crowd and too nervous to control it. But there was a reason he always thought about everything before he said it. His father hadn’t been a part of his life since he’d come out, thank God. But he was still there. Still laughing at him, yelling at him, pushing at him to stop being weak.

“I got better at hiding it,” he said with a smile.

He heard Shane let out a sigh before he said, “That’s fucking terrible.”

Aaron couldn’t stop himself from scoffing. “It’s nothing compared to what you’ve been through.”

“There’s no award for the person who’s been through the most shit.” And then, quieter, “Trust me, I know.”

“Maybe not, but breaking into a cold sweat at the thought of giving a speech isn’t the same as—”“

“It doesn’t matter,” Shane said brusquely. “And anyway, I had a great life as a kid. My shit went to hell because of the choices I made. Not because my dad was an asshole.”

Aaron wanted to argue with him. Not about his dad—he’d long since given up trying to defend the man’s actions—but because he didn’t agree that Shane’s circumstances had happened because of his choices. Maybe he’d chosen to go into the military, but that didn’t mean he should come out of it… scarred. Changed.

He guessed Shane wouldn’t want him saying that, though. And what did he know about it?

“Any time you wanna go over your speech, let me know. Can’t say I’m good at it, but I owe you the help.”

“You don’t owe me anything,” Aaron said quietly. Before he could talk himself out of it, he added, “I don’t know what you’re telling yourself, but you didn’t force me into anything. I wanted what happened last night.”

Maybe he hadn’t imagined it happening the way it did. Then again, maybe he had. Shane was, at first glance, that confident alpha male he never thought to fantasize about. But then… that wasn’t who Shane really was. Not deep down. And maybe when he really thought about being intimate with Shane, he thought about something else.

“I was still an asshole,” Shane said, so quiet Aaron almost didn’t hear him. “I treated you the same way I treated random guys I knew I wasn’t ever going to see again. Random guys who didn’t mean anything to me.”

For a very long moment, Aaron forgot how to breathe. He couldn’t have heard that right. Shane couldn’t be saying that Aaron… meant something to him. And if he was saying that, it didn’t mean what Aaron thought. It didn’t mean what Aaron hoped.

God. When had he gotten in so far over his head?

“You’re my friend. I’ve fucked up a lot of shit in my life, but I don’t wanna fuck that up.”

Aaron turned his head away from the mic, letting out a heavy breath. Friend. They were just friends. It was silly to think anything else. He shouldn’t feel disappointed.

“You haven’t.”

He didn’t hear Shane moving through the house at first. His mind was still fixed on their conversation, pulling apart every word and trying to figure out how he’d managed to seize on that one glimmer of hope. When the door to the guest bedroom suddenly opened, Aaron let out a strangled yelp.

“Shit, sorry. I should’ve said something.”

Aaron’s mouth worked. He looked up at Shane, shaking his head. “No, no. It’s okay. You just surprised me.”

The glimmer of a smile ghosted across Shane’s face, and Aaron calmed a bit. Shane looked… better. He’d cleaned up a bit, and he seemed a lot better hydrated than he had the previous night. More than that, there was a light in his eyes that put Aaron at ease.

“I just figured I’d see if you wanted to hang out. Watch some TV or something.”

As friends. It felt like a punch to the gut, but Aaron smiled just the same. Normally he preferred to stay behind a computer screen, but right now, he needed that closeness. He needed to know Shane was whole and solid. Even it was as a friend.

“That sounds like a great idea.”

A
fter their conversation
, Aaron insisted on training Buttercup to help Shane in a crowd.

For the first few days, Shane resisted. He wasn’t ready for that. He didn’t want to think about it. But after sitting down with a lawyer, he realized he’d have to be ready for it. He couldn’t just keep Becca penned inside, and he didn’t know how much of a crowd he’d face in the courtroom. If he flipped his shit, he’d never have a chance.

And that small bit of hope Aaron had given him was everything right now; the only thing he was holding onto.

So he’d agreed to let Aaron start training him and Buttercup both. He’d learned commands to get Buttercup to place herself between him and anyone who happened to get too close, and signals he could give her when he needed to quickly escape a crowd before something bad happened.

Tonight was the real test, though. They were going to put Buttercup’s training to use. Tonight, Aaron wanted to go to the Pierson County Fair. They’d seen the sign for it when they were at the park. Shane had joked about getting a funnel cake, and Aaron had run with it.

He should never have opened his mouth.

But if he was honest with himself, it did sound fun. He could use a night out that wasn’t spent drinking until he couldn’t see straight. And it would give him a chance to spend some time with Aaron without having to focus on training,

They hadn’t had any non–work time together since that morning—or day, maybe—they’d spent on the couch just watching TV. It had been… nice. But not as nice as Shane had wanted. At first, he’d just thought his body was being stupid again. He hadn’t stopped wanting Aaron. After thinking he’d gotten it out of his system, all it took was that one little comment from Aaron to make his cock rock hard again, even if he felt terrible.

But he hadn’t felt that raw need when they sat together. He’d just wished Aaron had scooted a little closer. Maybe lain down. He’d had the weirdest image of Aaron laying his head on his lap.

It was stupid. He’d done those things with Shell, back when they’d been young and in love. But he and Aaron weren’t in love. He wasn’t sure what they were.

For tonight, at least, they were just two grown-ass men going to the county fair.

When they made it up to the portable that served as a ticket window, Shane put his hand on Aaron’s arm to stop him from going for his wallet.

That action earned him a slight flush, and Shane smiled in triumph. At least until a security guard greeted them at the gate.

“I’m sorry, sir. No pets allowed on the premises.”

“She’s a service dog,” Aaron said with a surprising amount of confidence, gesturing down to her harness.

Buttercup looked up at the man, her tongue lolling out of the side of her mouth. She was really good at not looking like a service dog.

But the security guard looked a little sheepish. “Very sorry, of course she can go in with you, sir.”

Shane arched a brow. That was it? A harness and a one-sentence explanation? Then again, the county would get itself into a lot of trouble if it tried to deny service dogs.

Once they cleared the gate—a spot that wasn’t too busy, thankfully—Shane leaned close enough for Aaron to hear him.

“Look at you lying out your ass,” he teased with a grin.

“It wasn’t a lie,” Aaron said, and he had the grace to look completely mortified. “She
is
a service dog.”

“Yeah, but she’s not certified.”

“She’s doing on-the-job training.”

If it was good enough for Aaron, it was good enough for Shane. He gave a little shrug, easing Buttercup’s lead through his fingers so he could keep it at the length Aaron had taught him.

On his left, Buttercup walked in a slow heel. Aaron was on his right, and while he should have felt closed in, he felt a little… safer than he might have otherwise.

It gave him a chance to take in the sights. The Pierson County Fair wasn’t anything amazing. He was pretty sure the whole thing could be loaded up on ten tractor trailers at most. But it brought back good memories for him. He’d gone with his parents a few times, and had always loved the dinky little rides that were designed to make you barf up your funnel cake.

At least, that’s what his dad had always said.

Shane smiled at the memory.

“I’d love to bring Becca here,” he said absently.

“You’ll get to.”

He hoped he would. It definitely wouldn’t be this year, because he could already feel that little prickle in the back of his consciousness whenever someone drifted too close. But maybe next year.

They walked around for a half hour, and Aaron subtly managed a snack break whenever Shane started to get a little bit cranky. First it was a stand selling fried stuff on sticks. He’d gotten a huge sausage-dog thing, and he’d snuck Buttercup a piece when Aaron wasn’t looking. Then it was the funnel cake stand, as promised.

They sat on a bench out of the way, but Buttercup was as much a magnet for people as she was a deterrent. He hadn’t told her to put herself between him and other people yet, so she just lay at his feet, alert but not on edge whenever anyone came up.

He was pretty sure, if left to her own devices, Buttercup would love being given attention by kids with sticky fingers from cotton candy. But Shane was glad Aaron was there to explain that Buttercup was on duty.

Even if he couldn’t help teasing him.

“You’re really good at making kids sad. I think that one was on the verge of tears.”

Aaron’s eyes widened. “What? I didn’t mean to…” He stopped though, and gave Shane the side eye. Then, to Shane’s surprise, he… hip-bumped him. “You’re an asshole.”

He was smiling when he said it, and Shane grinned in return. “Never claimed to be anything different.”

The longer they sat and talked, sharing a huge funnel cake that even Shane couldn’t devour by himself, the more he started to notice the looks they were getting.

It started to stir an uncomfortable, anxious feeling in his gut.

And it also made his mind run wild.

What did all those people think? Could they tell he’d fucked Aaron? That he still wanted him? It wasn’t like Shane had stamped a big red sign on him that said as much, and if he’d seen two guys sitting together, he probably wouldn’t have thought much of it.

But… Aaron’s whole body was practically turned toward him. Their knees were touching. It wasn’t that Shane hadn’t noticed, he just hadn’t been bothered by it. At all. Which was a huge fucking shock to him.

Christ, was he on a date right now? He’d paid, and he’d technically bought them both dinner, though his mom definitely wouldn’t call any of this actual food. They’d also spent the better part of an hour walking around and talking about the fairs and shit they’d gone to as kids.

It sounded like a date. But Shane didn’t date men.

As more people passed by, Shane’s anxiety grew.

It wasn’t because the rest of the world apparently thought he was dating Aaron. It was just because the rest of the world didn’t have any business sticking its fucking nose in his personal life.

And if anyone meant Aaron harm…

Shane suddenly felt warmth against the back of his hand. When he looked down, he saw Aaron’s slender fingers resting over top of his.

“You had Buttercup’s lead in a death grip,” he said quietly, his brow knit in concern.

“Feels like everybody’s looking at me. Even if I know they probably don’t give a shit.”

Aaron smiled sadly. “I know. My dad always used to say I was just self-centered.”

“That’s complete bullshit.”

Aaron’s smile kicked up into a grin. “I know that, too.”

That strange, warm, fluttering feeling stirred in his chest again. It wasn’t like Aaron never smiled. But seeing him smile like that felt… different.

Aaron jerked his head to the side, motioning toward a row of booths. “Come on. You can beat me at some bad carnival games.”

Shane smirked, and followed Aaron over to the row of colorful booths. There wasn’t much variety. Just a few of the regular games. A ring toss, something with darts and balloons, a game where he was meant to knock down bottles he was sure were filled with cement or something, and a shooting gallery.

For obvious reasons, Shane stayed far away from the last. Instead, he went for the bottles. He hefted a ball in his hand, drew back, and threw it as hard as he could. It would have been enough force to break an actual glass bottle, but this bottle just toppled gracelessly, landing in the dirt on its side. The rest went with it, and an annoying dinging signaled that he’d won.

That was easier than he’d thought. Maybe there was some benefit to all this pent-up aggression.

“Anything from the top row,” the man running the game said.

“Pick whatever you want,” Shane said, nudging Aaron gently.

“You’re the one who won it. You should give it to Becca.”

He could. If he was ever allowed to see Becca again. But Shane tried to pull his thoughts from that dark path, giving Aaron a smile.

“Just pick something, or I’m going to have him pull down that weird hairless monkey thing.”

Aaron wrinkled his nose, then stood back and considered his options. He seemed to be taking it very seriously, and after a few moments—during which time the game runner turned his attention to someone else—he finally selected a giant blue bear.

Shane got the man’s attention again, and the bear was released from its clip. Without hesitating, he handed it over to Aaron.

“I really can’t take this,” Aaron said, but he was smiling all the same.

Shane just shrugged. “You can always win me one. Then we’ll be even.”

Aaron pursed his lips, holding the bear close. He seemed to survey the row of booths, his eyes coming to rest on the dart game.

Shane grinned, following him over to the booth. Another dollar spent, and Aaron was given a selection of darts with dull tips. Probably enough to pierce a balloon, though, if Aaron was lucky.

He stood back, watching Aaron square up and aim. The first cluster of darts didn’t do that well. Aaron paid another dollar, and another after that. By the fourth dollar, he’d apparently made several mathematical adjustments to his aim, because he managed to hit and pop every balloon.

Shane whistled, impressed. “Who knew you were a darts champion.”

“On the fourth try,” Aaron mumbled.

“You still get the prize.”

Aaron nodded, then nudged him the same way he’d nudged Aaron earlier. “You pick. But no hairless monkeys.”

Shane made a mock face of disapproval, but looked up at the stuffed animals that were hanging on the top row.

“That one,” he said, pointing to a yellow dog.

It didn’t look like Buttercup. Not really. But rather than carry the animal, he deftly unlaced one of his boots and used the stretch of paracord to tie the toy to Buttercup’s harness so that it looked like it was along for the ride.

Aaron’s smile was definitely worth it.

They walked around for a little while longer, until Shane spotted one of the rides he’d enjoyed as a kid.

He put a hand on Aaron’s arm to stop him, then nodded toward the line. “You feel like giving it a go?”

“Sure,” Aaron said dubiously. “I didn’t want to keep my dinner anyway.”

Shane grinned. “That’s half the fun of the fair.”

“If you say so.”

At first, the line wasn’t much of a problem. They stood in the back, with Buttercup on one side, and Aaron on the other.

But once people started filing in after them, Shane felt his pulse start to race. A group of five teenagers huddled behind them, and they didn’t seem to have any fucking idea what personal space meant. They were loud and pushy, and drifted way too close for Shane’s comfort.

Aaron must have noticed, because he caught Shane’s gaze after a moment.

“We don’t have to do this, you know. You’ve already made a ton of progress.”

A ton of progress? Sure, he’d managed to mostly act normal around strangers for a couple of hours. Big fucking whoop.

He shook his head. “I’m fine.” And then, because he knew Aaron didn’t buy that, added, “it’ll pass.”

But it didn’t pass. Shane felt that gnawing energy build up inside of him, coiling into a tight ball.

“Give her the commands,” Aaron said quietly.

Shane glanced down at Buttercup. She was looking up at him expectantly, her ears quirked in a way that told him she was paying attention to what was going on.

“Guard,” he said roughly.

Buttercup acted without hesitation, moving so that her body was between Shane and the people in front of him. The length of her gave him a few feet, and some of that anxiety dimmed.

But the group of teenagers were still behind him, and still completely oblivious to his discomfort. Shane’s jaw clenched. Before he could say anything, though, Aaron took the spot opposite Buttercup. His face was a little pale, his expression unreadable, but he stood straight and tall.

His body didn’t block them completely, but just like Buttercup, Aaron gave him more room. A sense of relief washed over him, and he nodded slowly. As the line moved forward, both Buttercup and Aaron kept their places. They made it onto the ride without incident, and after he gave the command, Buttercup quickly led him out of the crowd.

But Aaron was there too, protecting his six.

He’d never realized it before. Buttercup was great. She’d given him a freedom he wouldn’t have had otherwise. But he wasn’t sure he’d be doing as well without Aaron there, too. Aaron, who was sacrificing his own comfort for Shane’s sake.

As the night wound down, Shane found himself just staring at Aaron. And again, Shane felt that on twinge in his chest.

He’d never had feelings for another man before. It was… Strange. But maybe not unwelcome.

And maybe not even that surprising.