Smother (27 page)

Leo shook his head and placed the last box on the kitchen counter. “I need to go.”

It had been a comfort to know all she had to do was look out her window and see his tattoo shop in order to connect with a piece of Leo. Now there were streets and half a town between them. It disconcerted her, formed a lump in her throat.

Breathe.

Reese took a deep inhalation of air and slowly released it. “Thanks for your help.”

He nodded and turned to leave, but then he hesitated and turned back to her. “Birds have to be free, Reese. You’re getting there.”

Her eyes pricked with tears. “Get out,” she told him, but there was a wobbly smile on her face.

Leo inclined his head and quietly left.

I don’t believe that anything is truly broken. The word implies something needing, or unable, to be fixed. Picture a shattered vase. The pieces may be sharp, and tiny, but they are fierce. Beautiful exactly as they are. Look at them. See them shine. Notice things you never would have before. A certain color here, a line there, a curve otherwise unknown. Why take all of those perfectly imperfect pieces and try to glue them back together? They’re better on their own, as they are now.
Things need to break to show us they have strength no matter what form they take. ~ Leo

She’d grown up learning that the ones meant to protect you were the ones you had to fear. Safety was an illusion. A home of love—it didn’t exist. It never had, not for her. Lies upon lies, that’s what her childhood had been.

And now here he stood: the greatest lie of them all.

Reese knew it was him before she saw his face. The wind lightly teased his dark hair, and even though he was several feet away, she swore she could smell him. It was a scent reminiscent of her lost and mostly forgotten past—before the bad, and one she’d never connected with him before now. It was a mixture of pine and citrus. Snow. Winter. Dead hope and lost dreams.

He was by an iced-over tree with his back to her, standing in her yard like he had every right. Reese didn’t need to ask how he knew where she lived—he knew more about her than she did. She studied his long black coat, the clash of black boots against the white ground, and wondered how this man, this stranger, made any part of her.

She wanted to look into his eyes and she wanted to either find something of herself, or nothing at all.

He slowly turned to face her. Reese didn’t know what she expected to see in his expression, but it wasn’t the nothingness that she did. She now knew where Leo got that look from. She wondered what else he’d learned from a father not meant to be his, but also not meant to be hers. Even with the blankness of his features telling her not to ask questions, his eyes drew her in like a vortex of whispered answers.

“Why are you here?”

“I needed to see you.”

“Why?” Her voice was an echo of its normal volume.

“You’re my daughter.” A simple fact that didn’t mean enough. Never had, never would.

“And?” Reese’s heart felt like it was going to explode in her chest.

Tightness formed around his mouth. He repeated, “And I needed to see you.”

“You’ve apparently known where I was my whole life, and you never once tried to see me. Why now?”

“I had to talk to you. I had to see you—just this one time.” Frown lines formed between his eyebrows, took his stern features and turned them into grieving ones.

“You loved us.” It wasn’t what she planned to say, but the words fell from her lips without consent. She inhaled shakily, figuring she might as well get the rest out. “Morgan and me—I’ve seen the pictures. You loved us.”

His lips turned down infinitesimally. “Of course I did.”

“Then why did you leave?” Reese wanted her voice to be strong, but it shook. All of her was.

Her father shoved his hands in his coat pockets and turned to show her his profile. Morgan had his nose and chin—Reese had his eyes. She was finding herself and her sister in him. It hurt, but it also stitched back up a flayed part of her. It was impossible to know who she really was when she didn’t even know who made her.

He looked at her with eyes that should be warm but were cold. “That’s why I left.”

Reese took a step toward him. “Did you even think about us? Wonder? Worry? Care about how we were at all? If we had enough food, or clothes, or any of the material things kids need?”

If he had even financially supported them, maybe her mother wouldn’t have turned to Brad. Then again, there were so many things she could say that would have changed things, but none of them changed what was.

“Yes. I thought of you often—”

“Not enough,” she interrupted. “Did you see the house we lived in? Did you see how worn our clothes were? Maybe you could have thought of us a little more often than you did.”

He touched his eyebrow before dropping his hand. “You were to be cared for. There was money—more than enough money to see the three of you through the years.”

“We never saw any of it,” Reese said through stiff lips. Either it was never sent, her mother spent it, or Brad got a hold of it.
Doesn’t matter now. It’s gone.

“I had hoped for your life to be different than it is.”

“That makes two of us.”

This man was her father, but he wasn’t. He was the embodiment of her savior that never came. None of him was real. He was all of her hopes put into one single being, and then the result of all of those dreams crushed. Her rescuer didn’t exist.

“I want you to tell me everything. Right now.” If she only understood, maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much. Reese didn’t want it to hurt anymore. She wanted all of this done.

A hint of amusement curved his lips and put stars in his eyes, but it quickly died. “You’re demanding.”

“Do you find anything about this humorous? Because I don’t.”

“You remind me of me.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

His gaze narrowed on her. “No. I guess you wouldn’t.”

“Did you know what was happening?”

Her father’s mouth tightened. “I didn’t start to figure things out until after Morgan’s death. By then, you were gone, and it was too late for her. I should have paid better attention. I should have known.” He dropped his hand and glanced at her before showing her his back. The second of guilt she caught in his expression spoke in ways he hadn’t himself.

It was always the same story, told by different people.

“She took her own life.” Bleakness coated his words, enough to make her think maybe he had cared about them, in some way.

Reese couldn’t respond to that, couldn’t dwell on her sister’s actions, or she would splinter.

The snow glittered white beneath her boots, looking serene and undisturbed. “You have pictures. You should have been able to figure it out by looking at the pictures. Did you even see them? I know you had to have looked at them, but did you really
see
them?” Her voice sounded pathetic. She was asking for things he could not give her, but that little girl inside demanded the questions be asked.

“No,” he answered softly. “I didn’t.”

Her expectations were too high. She needed and wanted something that was not to be hers. Why would he notice? Why would anyone?

Reese took a breath, ashamed when it sounded like a sob. “Why did you leave?”

“I was trying to protect you.”

“From?”

“Me. My life.”

She wrapped her arms around herself. “I cannot fathom it being worse than what we were given in its place.”

He turned to face her, tearing her truths apart just by his presence. She’d prayed so often and so desperately for him to come. Now here he was. Too late. He was too late. Too late for Morgan, too late for her. She saw herself in a stranger. She saw her sister, and it knifed her over and over.

“You’re alive.”

Reese frowned. “What are you saying?”

“If I had stayed, you might not be.” His features hardened. “I can’t regret that here you stand, breathing. Alive.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I go after people, and I take care of them.” His dark eyes drilled into hers, told her to understand.

“Take care of them?” A haze formed over her eyes, distorted her father’s image.

“Yes.” He took a step closer. “People hire me, but I have my own agenda as well. I deal with dangerous men on a daily basis. This is my life. Do you understand yet? Because I can’t spell it out for you.”

She bristled at his words, at the insult to her intelligence. And then, behind that, was the confession. He was paid to hurt people. He paid others to hurt people. He probably killed. He was a murderer. Reese’s father was a murderer. One bad father figure could be switched out for another. An urge to laugh pummeled her, but she knew if she started, she wouldn’t stop.

“I’m not mocking you,” he told her softly.

Her throat tightened.

“I wasn’t there for you like I should have been, but I kept track of you. You have so much potential, such a smart young woman.” Richard’s eyes flashed. “Why are you wasting it on this sham of a life?”

“You’re a hired killer,” she said through unmoving lips. “A hitman.”

He shifted his stance. “I prefer mercenary.”

“You abandoned me and my sister. We were sexually abused by the man our mom told us to call Dad. Morgan couldn’t deal with it and got into drugs. She killed herself.”

She took a step toward him.

“I’m not much better—maybe I’m worse. I’ve used sex to feel wanted and loved. I let men abuse me. I drink too much, and occasionally do drugs. But worst of all, I ruin any chance of finding happiness because I don’t think I deserve it. I intentionally hurt others before they can hurt me. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t just end it like Morgan did.”

Reese was close enough to him now to see him flinch at her words. Why should they matter to him? Why did anything she do make a difference to him? He was a stranger, nothing. Brown eyes unwavering from hers, blank expression. Cold, so cold. He wasn’t just a man she didn’t know, but a man she didn’t want to know.

“So when you tell me I’m wasting my life, I want to clench my hand and I want to punch you in the face. This life is a waste, and do you know what I’m doing with it? I’m trying to survive it. Fuck being smart when you can’t stand to look at yourself in the mirror. When you have nightmares of men abusing you, even when you’re awake.”

Her mouth trembled. “When you want nothing more than to shut it all off, but you can’t. I’ve done so much shit I can’t forgive myself for, so why would anyone else? Smartness really doesn’t have a place in my life,
Dad.
”

He didn’t speak for a long time. Instead he examined her, looked into her, saw her, all of it done with those disinterested eyes. “I realized it wasn’t the best choice, but I didn’t have an alternative. I thought I could have a normal life with your mother and you girls—I even hoped for it, but I quickly found out it wasn’t to be. I was brought up in this world, Reese, and it’s the only world I’ve ever known. I couldn’t leave it.”

“So instead you left us.” Tossed aside, no longer wanted.

“It was the only choice I had.”

“I don’t want to hear your excuses.”

“A deal went bad, and I was the one they were going to come after. I couldn’t put you and your sister at risk. I left, found the men, and I eliminated the threat. But there were always more, there was always someone else coming after me. I stayed away because of that, because I wanted you and your sister to live in peace. I didn’t want you to know my world. I don’t regret that.”

Reese looked down.

“I do regret not knowing the hell you were living in sooner. I would have destroyed him, I swear to you I would have.” Conviction narrowed his eyes and thinned his mouth.

What good did it do now? It was over. Done. Finished.

She met his eyes. “How does Leo fit into all of this?”

Anger flashed across his features. “I took him in when he was just a kid. I couldn’t help my own kids, but I thought maybe I could help him—it was a similar situation for Mick. I told Leo to observe you, but to not get involved.” He paused. “There’s a code. And Leo broke that.”

“So you broke his face?” Reese spat the words, her emotions jumbled up to the point she feared they would burst forth and destroy them both.

Shadows darkened his face. “I didn’t enjoy it, but it was necessary. There is no place for impulsiveness in this business. You do your job, and you don’t care about the subjects.”

“I’m just a subject?” she spat.

“You’re my daughter,” he thundered, brown lava slicing into and holding her gaze. “You’re my daughter and that knowledge should have made him keep his distance like nothing else could.”

Reese took a step back, struggled to swallow around an uncooperative throat. She was surprised by his tone of voice. The look in his eyes told her not to even try to doubt it. Possessiveness, in a person who shouldn’t have any.

“In name only.” Her voice was wooden. To show emotion would take away any control she still had. “Leo’s treated me better than anyone else, better than you. And you punished him for it. You disgust me.”

He raised a hand to silence her. “To him you were supposed to be a business deal and nothing more. He had a task, a simple one, and he fucked it all up. He not only went after bad men, he went after dangerous men. He compromised the business, and he put his life at risk. He put
your
life at risk.”