Sing Like You Know the Words (53 page)

Jane was not much shorter than
Matthew. She was thin, verging on skinny, but she had good strong
hands with a firm grip that fit with the determined expression she
showed the world, except when she got that sad, hopeful look.

The next day was a disaster. The
hospital called about Jane’s father, and the news was not good.

-They say that he’s had a
stroke, almost certainly more than one. They say he might not last
the day.

-You have to go, of course.
There was nothing else Matthew could say.

-Jason?

-We’ll be alright, really. I’ll
look after him and he can look after me. There’s plenty to keep him
busy here.

-He likes you, Matt.

There was no reply for Matthew
to make to that.

For a few hours after she was
gone, Jason was fine with the television. Then he started to mind
that Jane was not there. Matthew tried to divert him with food.
There was a takeaway service on the site that looked like being
more fun than cooking. Matthew considered himself reasonably at
home in a kitchen, but he was not enthusiastic to tackle the
various kinds of fried food that seemed to interest Jason.

Jason was excited about the
takeaway, but when it arrived there was a problem. The fries were
not the same as the fries he was used to at home, and he couldn’t
eat them. Matthew started to argue, but realized that it would be
much easier to bake some of the oven chips that Jane had brought
with them in bulk, anticipating this difficulty. After lunch, Jason
had a nap and Matthew had a beer.

Next would be the water play
area; he knew that. Matthew found the prospect simply frightening.
He managed to get Jason there and changed without too many
problems. The boy was so excited that he was gurgling rather than
speaking. Matthew decided that the sounds were a form of
laughter.

Once released, Jason ran at the
slides, at the pool, at the special lagoon where the current washed
you around in a great loop. He wanted to do everything at once,
again and again. Mostly Matthew just stood and watched.

What could he have been thinking
of, he wondered? He’d left Amy; he’d done that to himself, and he
still couldn’t explain why. He’d broken her heart as well as
wrecking his own life and he would always have to live with
that.

Worse, he’d jumped straight into
bed with this woman he hardly knew, who had an idiot child in tow.
Idiot was the wrong word to use, needlessly cruel, but he didn’t
know the right word. Why not? He was supposed to be the clever one.
The truth was that Matthew was the idiot, to have put himself in
this position.

Of course, he and Jane had made
no promises to each other, it was all supposed to be low key, but
it was him who had suggested that they share time together with
Jason. In any case Matthew had spent enough time with women who had
issues over the years. He should know by now that there was no such
thing as no promises.

Just friends though, we agreed
that. She said she understood that it was too soon after the other
thing for me to be more than that to anyone.

Say what you like to yourself,
but you know that somewhere in her there’s hope growing that you
have to crush. The sooner the better, it hurts less. I’m not a
saint he thought; never have pretended to be. I’m not the right
person for this situation. I’m cold and stiff and I look at the
world with my brain not my heart. And what good is a brain for
dealing with Jason? The most stupid thing he could have done was to
suggest this trip in the first place.

The thoughts went round his
head, panic and self-loathing chasing each other in ever faster
spirals. He reminded himself to keep an eye on the boy, in case
things should get even worse.

Matthew was not really worried
about Jason being safe. The place was designed for kids and the boy
was robust enough. He could even swim a little, in an ungainly,
splashy way, which seemed to delight him; keeping afloat well
enough without achieving much in the way of forward motion.

It was the other kids who caused
Matthew concern. They seemed harmless enough: mostly they were
concentrating on enjoying themselves, accompanied by parents, or in
small groups. It was just that Jason was so loud, so full of
laughter, enjoying himself so much in his animal way. He was bound
to attract attention. And he was odd to look at. The children would
notice that right away. They would have a word for it; not one of
the words he remembered from the playground, but something like
that; probably something even more cruel.

Matthew watched Jason splashing,
oblivious to everything but the intense joy of the moment, and all
he could think of was how quickly that could change, how easy it
would be for someone, maybe even without meaning anything by it, to
shatter that glee and turn it into something else: fear, pain,
confusion, humiliation. And children were cruel, everyone knew
that. Well the first little bastard who tried to be clever had
better watch out.

-You look very therioush, Mayou.
Jason paused in the middle of his curious, wobbly run to treat
Matthew to a huge grin. You need to have more thfun.

And with that he was away again.
I suppose he’s right, Matthew thought; if only life were that
simple.

Contrary to his expectation,
none of the children showed any inclination to be unpleasant to
Jason, even after he approached some of them to organize a game.
They allowed him to order them around; laughing at the increasingly
chaotic instructions he issued, but playing along; some of the
older kids reassuring the others that it was okay. It went on until
Jason himself collapsed in a fit of giggles.

Matthew was watching from the
side, wondering how he could possibly get himself and Jason changed
back into street clothes when the boy was so excited. He looked at
his watch.

-You’re the father of that poor
boy aren’t you?

A lady reclining in a sun
lounger was talking to him.

-Er, yes.

Was she going to accuse Jason of
making a disturbance?

-Looks like he’s really enjoying
himself. But it must be hard for you. Bad enough with our two who,
er, don’t have problems. I’m sorry that sounds very clumsy. That’s
my husband with our kids over there look.

Her smile was slightly shy.

-If you are thinking about how
to get away, now is not such a bad time. The changing area gets a
bit busy later.

-Yes I was wondering how I would
manage it.

-You sneak off now and get
yourself changed first. We’ll keep an eye on him for you. If he
notices you are gone and gets upset Jeff can bring him in to the
changing area.

-Thank you. Thanks very
much.

Everything went smoothly. It was
only afterwards that Matthew thought he should have asked the names
of the helpful couple. Arriving back at the chalet finally, Matthew
was thinking; in some dumb kind of way, I actually enjoyed
today.

Normally Jason went to bed
early. He slept a lot. He liked to sleep, and to eat, and to watch
television. He said these were his three favourite things. He knew
all the characters of every soap opera, even if he confused them
occasionally. He would demand to be given summaries of the
storylines, and he corrected any inaccuracies with pedantic
insistence. Matthew never saw any of these programmes and was
hopeless at the game, but Jason showed amused tolerance of his
ignorance.

On this night, Jason decided
that his best pyjamas had been left behind. He couldn’t sleep. He
wouldn’t sleep. Matthew supposed that really he was missing Jane,
though he didn’t say so. Eventually exhaustion overcame him as he
was watching one of the DVD’s that he knew off by heart.

How did people cope before
television, thought Matthew? It was a stupid question, but that was
what he had been reduced to. He would be happy to watch an episode
of a soap himself right now, if he could have beer to go with
it.

Jane arrived back early the next
morning, as it was getting light. Her father had survived, but he
was not thought likely to improve much. Jason was quiet and well
behaved. They made another visit to the pool. Jason ordered pizza
with flat sausage for his tea. He was asleep by seven in the
evening.

-Home tomorrow, Jane smiled. I’m
sorry it’s been like this, but without you I don’t know what I
would have done. Thank you, for everything. It must have been
horrible for you. Not what you expected.

-I didn’t know what to expect.
Anyway you had all the extra driving and stress. It’s not as if we
could have planned for this.

You have to tell her now, he was
thinking, before she starts to talk about what we should do next
weekend and how cute the boy is.

-Jason asked me to tell you how
much he enjoyed himself. He likes you. I like you. We’ll get over
it I suppose.

Oh god, here it comes. Don’t get
into this. No-one promised anything. It was just going to be a fun
weekend and no obligations either way. Don’t start feeling guilty,
especially not because of what Amy said. It’s nothing to do with
Amy and she knew nothing about this situation. Kindest is to kill
this right now, before anyone gets their hopes up.

-Matt, what’s wrong? You look as
sick as Jason did in the car. I only said thank you, for both of
us. It’s been a really nice break for us and you’ve been very good
about everything. I guess we both know what comes next, so let’s
just shake hands, yes?

-What do you mean, shake?

-Shake hands, no hard feelings.
I get it.

-You get what?

-Look Matt, I’m not an idiot and
your face couldn’t be easier to read. It didn’t turn out like you
thought and that’s no one’s fault so leave it at that. We said low
key from the start; this was always going to be too much of a shock
for you. I’ve been through it all before. I don’t mind, really. I
just don’t want us to go through explanations and justifications. I
can’t do that side of it any more.

-You’re dumping me.

-Of course not, I’m just trying
to save you the trouble of dumping me.

-You’re dumping me because you
have a handicapped son.

-Jason´s not my son.

-What?

-I never said he was. I just
said he was Jason and you never asked. You never asked what his
condition was either – it´s Downs´ syndrome. Jason is my brother.
My parents were old when they had him and then my mum died, and dad
lost his mind. Dad´s in one of those homes where they just sit all
day, in the same chair. So I had to choose. I couldn´t look after
both of them. And you didn´t ask about any of this which is why I
know you aren´t planning on staying around.

Matthew was shaking:

-You’re right. I’m no good to
anyone. I don´t consider other people and I pretend that´s ok
because I care about people in general. You´d be better off to dump
me. But please Jane, think about. Why not give us a chance?

Jane stepped back from him for a
moment. She seemed to be evaluating something.

-Are you sure of what you’re
saying Matthew? Don’t think I don’t see you or that you’ve swept me
off my feet. Some of the things you do and say, I could punch you
in the face. But then I see you with Jason, reaching out to him,
and the way he looks at you, and I know there is something better
in you. If only you can find it in yourself.

They kissed. Jane looked at
him.

-Admit it though, just now, you
were thinking how to tell me that it was finished.

-I don´t know what I was going
to say, Matthew replied, realising that it was true.

For some reason they both
started crying.

-Do you think we will be
alright? Matthew asked.

Matthew, that´s just the kind of
stupid question you would ask. Let’s not talk just now. We can go
to bed instead and after you can tell me about your day with Jason.
We´ll take one step at a time from there.

Chapter Fifteen

Matthew was spending some time
talking to David’s family and friends and writing up what they had
to say. David had asked him to do it: he described the work as
helping him to put together what he called a personal memoir, and
he insisted on paying Matthew for his time. Matthew claimed that he
was being pressed to commit biography. They laughed at that, but
Matthew supposed that it was true. David had always had it in his
mind that at some stage he would leave a record for whatever
posterity awaited him, but these days it was obvious that there
would be no call for a published biography: knowing that made the
task a little sad.

At least Matthew gained the
opportunity to meet David’s father again, after many years. Matthew
was surprised to hear that the old man was prepared to help with
the project. To have your life story written up was an enterprise
that was likely to strike the older Mr Thomas as more than a little
self regarding, even if David insisted that it was only intended
for family. It seemed that the old man had mellowed with age. He
might even relish the chance to go over some of the old family
stories. Matthew looked forward to hearing what he would have to
say.

But the father still wasn’t one
for tall tales and anecdotes. The plain truth had always served
him. He was more interested to hear what Matthew had to say about
his own life and the world in general. He was still active, and
bright enough, though slightly deaf and short in his answers, a man
rooted in the external world, even as the external world was
falling away from him. It was not difficult to imagine the
difficult times that father and son must have had when the boy was
growing up.

Unlike Matthew’s own parent, Mr
Thomas had moved in his retirement. He lived at the coast, within
easy reach of the moors, his small modern flat not actually in
sight of the sea, but a short walk away from it. When Matthew
visited, it was a typical day on the northern shore, the wind
driving in a fine rain and the sea and shore merging in shades of
grey light. There was an austere grandeur about it that was at odds
with the neat little housing development with its bungalows and cul
de sac. Matthew would have preferred to find an old fisherman’s
cottage in an idyllic hamlet, but then he did not have to live
there. He could understand how the combination of nature outside,
and practical comfort inside, would appeal to the old man.