Sexual Perversity in Chicago and the Duck Variations (2 page)

DANNY
: Nobody does it normally anymore.

BERNIE
: It's these young broads. They don't know what the fuck they want.

DANNY
: You think she was a pro?

BERNIE
: A pro, Dan . . .

DANNY
: Yes.

BERNIE
: . . . is how you think about yourself. You see my point?

DANNY
: Yeah.

BERNIE
: Well, all right, then. I'll tell you one thing . . . she knew all the pro moves.

JOAN
and
DEB
at the apartment that they share
.
JOAN
is getting ready to go out.

JOAN
: Men.

DEBORAH
: Yup.

JOAN
: They're all after only one thing.

DEBORAH
: Yes. I know.
(Pause.)

JOAN
: But it's never the
same
thing.

JOAN
is at a singles bar seated alone
.
BERNARD
spots her and moves to her table
.

BERNIE
: Evening. Good evening.

JOAN
: Good evening.

BERNIE
: How would you like some company.
(Pause.)
What if I was to sit down here? What would that do for you, huh?

JOAN
: No, I don't think so, no.

Pause
.

Is there something I can do for you?

BERNIE
: Nope. Not a thing in the world, no. I'm just
standing
here, looking for some place to sit down, huh?
(Pause. Sits down at her table.)

Well, is it a free country, or what?

JOAN
: Don't torture me, just let me hear it, okay?

BERNIE
(Pause):
So here I am. I'm just in town for a one-day layover and I happen to find myself in this bar. So, so far so good. What am I going to do? I could lounge alone and lonely and stare into my drink, or I could take the bull by the horns and make an effort to enjoy myself . . .

JOAN
: Are you making this up?

BERNIE
: So hold on. So I see you seated at this table and I say to myself, “Doug McKenzie, there is a young woman,” I say to myself, “What is she doing here?”, and I think she is here for the same reasons as I. To enjoy herself, and perhaps, to meet provocative people.
(Pause.)
I'm a meteorologist for TWA. It's an incredibly interesting, but lonely job. . . . Stuck in the cockpit of some jumbo jet hours at a time . . . nothing to look at but charts . . . What are you drinking?

JOAN
: Scotch on the rocks.

BERNIE
: You're a scotch drinker, huh?

JOAN
: Yes.

BERNIE
: Well, what the hell, you're drinking scotch. But I say “Why pigeonhole ourselves?” A person makes an effort to enjoy himself, why pin a label on it, huh? This is life. You learn a lot about life working for the airlines. Because you're constantly in touch, you know with what?, with the idea of Death.
(Pause.)
Not that I'm a fan of morbidness, and so on. I mean what are you doing here? You're by yourself, I can see that. So what do you come here for? To what?
To meet interesting new people or not.
(Pause.)
What else is there?

JOAN
: Can I tell you something?

BERNIE
: You bet.

JOAN
: Forgive me if I'm being too personal . . . but I do not find you sexually attractive.
(Pause.)

BERNIE
: What is that, some new kind of line? Huh? I mean, not that I mind what you think, if that's what you think . . . but. . . that's a fucking rotten thing to say.

JOAN
: I'll live.

BERNIE
: All kidding aside . . . lookit, I'm a fucking professional, huh? My life is a bunch of having to make split-second decisions. Life or death fucking decisions. So that's what it is, so okay. I work hard, I play hard. Comes I got a day off I wanna relax a bit . . . I wander—quite by accident—into this bar. I have a drink or two . . . perhaps a drop too much. Perhaps I get
too
loose (it's been known to happen).
^*
So what do I see? A nice young woman sitting by herself . . .

JOAN
: We've done this one.

BERNIE
: So just who the fuck do you think you are, God's gift to Women? I mean where do you fucking get off with this shit. You don't want to get come on to, go enroll in a convent. You think I don't have better things to do? I don't have better ways to spend my off hours than to listen to some nowhere cunt try out cute bits on me? I mean why don't you just clean
your fucking act up, Missy. You're living in a city in 1976.
(Pause.)
Am I getting through to you?

JOAN
: I think I'd like to be left alone.

BERNIE
: Ah, you're breaking my heart. My fucking heart is pumping pisswater for you. You're torturing me with your pain and aloofness. You know that?

JOAN
: I'm terribly sorry.

BERNIE
: Sorry don't mean shit. You're a grown woman, behave like it for chrissakes. Huh? I mean, what the fuck do you think society is, just a bunch of rules strung together for your personal pleasure?

JOAN
: Sometimes I think I'm not a very nice person.

BERNIE
: You flatter yourself, (
JOAN
rises.)
So where are you going now?

JOAN
: My little boy is sick, and I really should be getting home.

BERNIE
: Cockteaser.

JOAN
: I beg your pardon?

BERNIE
: You heard me.

JOAN
: I have never been called that in my life.

BERNIE
: Well, you just lost your cherry.

JOAN
: I . . . I find that very insulting.

BERNIE
: Go get a lawyer, bitch. Go get a writ, you got yourself a case.

(
Pause.)

JOAN
(sits down again):
I . . . I'm . . . I'm sorry if I was being rude to you.

BERNIE
: Oh, you're sorry if you were being rude to me.

JOAN
: Yes.

BERNIE
: You got a lot of fuckin’ nerve.
(Rises, calls for check, exits.)

At work
,
DAN
and
BERNARD
are at work. They are filing.

BERNIE
: The main thing, Dan . . .

DANNY
: Yes?

BERNIE
: The main thing about
broads
. . .

DANNY
: Yes?

BERNIE
: Is two things. One: The Way to Get Laid is to Treat ‘Em Like Shit . . .

DANNY
: Yeah . . .

BERNIE
: . . . and Two: Nothing . . .
nothing
makes you so attractive to the opposite sex as getting your rocks off on a regular basis.

The Library
,
DEB
is seated, working
,
DAN
cruises her and so on.

DANNY
: Hi.

DEBORAH
: Hello.

DANNY
: I saw you at the Art Institute.

DEBORAH
: Uh huh.

DANNY
: I remembered your hair.

DEBORAH
: Hair memory.

DANNY
: You were in the Impressionists room.
(Pause.) Monet . . . (Pause.)

DEBORAH
: Uh huh.

DANNY
: You're very attractive. I like the way you look.
(Pause.)
You were drawing in charcoal. It was nice.
(Pause.)
Are you a student at the Art Institute?

DEBORAH
: No, I work.

DANNY
: Work, huh? . . . work.
(Pause.)
I'll bet you're good at it.
(Pause.)
Is someone taking up a lot of your time these days?

DEBORAH
: You mean a man?

DANNY
: Yes, a man.

DEBORAH
: I'm a Lesbian.
(Pause.)

DANNY
: As a physical preference, or from political beliefs?

BERNARD'S
apartment
.
BERNARD
is seated in front of the television at three in the morning.

TV: When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are. If, on the other hand, you apply for a personal loan, all sorts of circumstantial evidence is required. I wonder if any mathematician has done serious research on the efficacity of prayer. For example: you're walking down the street thinking “God, if I don't get laid tonight, I don't know
what
all!” (A common form of prayer) And all of a sudden, WHAM!
(Pause.)
Perhaps you do get laid, or perhaps you get hit by a cab, or perhaps you meet the man or woman of your persuasion. But the prayer is uttered—yes it is—solely as a lamentation, and with no real belief in its causal properties.